I don't know what our girlfriends and fiances think goes on in this chat, but if we gave the a thousand guesses today I don't think they'd get it right. My invisible girlfriend would definitely get it wrong. There's no rhyme or reason to the paths of our conversations. No one knows how the topics start but they don't even end in the same realm. For instance, today we started with bear attacks and it ended with me getting shamed for a friend's dead grandma.
There's thirteen people in the group chat. For today's story, you only need to concern yourself with three other characters. For the sake of their stupid privacy we'll name them F, S, and M. It's the first letter of their names. Ok, so recently my friends have become obsessed with something called hoodsite or something like that. From what I gather, it's a not very Christian website that posts shit like cartel beheadings and people getting their faces skinned off. Not my cup of tea, so I'm going to have to take their word for it. Today's topic from the site was a man who got his face mangled by a bear and then killed the bear.
The guy lives somehow. It sounds like the inside of his face was dangling from the outside. There was an argument for about fifteen minutes whether the bear ripped the dude's face out with his claws or with his teeth. My money is on claws but there's no time for that right now. Apparently the man's transformation from the plastic surgery was miraculous. On the topic of the mangled face, F said "I'd just wanna die prob", thus began my snowball.
Seeing F's comment I texted S outside of the chat and saying, "Want to see F get mad?". Back in the group chat I wrote "F would rather see both his grandmas kill each other or whatever fucked up shit he said that night". Now this was a callback to a 4th of July BBQ six years ago where S attempted to push F in the pool and F wound up chipping his front tooth in half. That's when F wished death upon his sweet poor grandmothers. We were pretty drunk that night, and F has vehemently denied ever saying that, but we all swore we heard him say some variation of that. My theory is that when the joke didn't go over well, he figured that we were all drunk enough to deny it for the rest of his life. It's only been brought up a few times since. Anyway, F responded in the chat telling me to shut the fuck up and that sometimes he want's to bash my face in. Not unlike his face, the night he lost half a tooth.
The chat went on to talk about the Russian mob somehow. It might've gotten too awkward after F's obvious anger, and half the chat HAHA'ing my text. Those HAHA's are like crack to me. You've met S and F, now here comes M. He does not come bearing good news.
Couple hours later F texts the group chat between him, S and I. Every group chat has sub groups and if you don't think that's true, than you're the friend nobody's comfortable hanging out one on one with. Sorry you found out this way. Right, so F texts in a screen shot to me and S of his conversation with M about how his grandma died last night. F thought he had me dead in the dirt. He sent the screen shot with "Wow a lot of badly timed dead grandma jokes today". S half-jokingly called me a scumbag which was dismissed by F who stated he was being serious.
I let it sit there for a bit. F is one of the most ruthless, most inappropriate friends I have. So I replied only with this:
"If you pull that trigger aight, you pull that trigger for a fucking honorable reason. Like an honorable man! Not like some fucking civilian that does not understand the wicked way of our world mate." I will not be chastised by the man who was just joking about a real human being, who got his face ripped off by a bear. This wasn't some fucking scene from The Revenant. This is the life we chose. We laugh at things when we aren't supposed to be laughing. We've made jokes that would make Lucifer himself blush. So I made a couple of dead grandma jokes? "What fucking line am I supposed to have crossed!"
p.s. For the record, I didn't not know about the passing of M's grandmother before I made the joke. Much like Alfie not knowing they'd use Tommy's son. It was the principle that got to me. RIP
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