My Number One Rule.

DO NOT ruin my stretch. If I'm mid-stretch, don't fuck with me, don't touch me, don't even look at me. I will go hands on. Stretches are little gifts that your body builds up over long periods of time and presents to you at the perfect moment to brighten your day. If you disrupt that, you're an asshole. 

To be clear, I'm not talking about warm-up stretches. That's for the birds. I'm talking about the stretch that makes your legs tremble. The type that makes you do a weird moan yell thing. Yawns count too, they're mouth stretches. 

I have shitty friends. I've said this multiple times. When we were younger and somebody was stretching, you most likely we're getting jumped on. If you yawned, you guaranteed a fish hook. If you don't know what a fish hook is, it's when somebody puts their disgusting finger in your mouth and pulls you by your cheek. I never took part in these shenanigans, I found it to be the most disrespectful thing you could to do to a person. 

My friends learned quick that this was one game I wouldn't partake in. Normally, that wasn't an option. I'm not a guy to easily be disrespected. I take 99.9% of insults on the chin and I volley all pranks. But if you ruin the only couple seconds of pure peace in my day, you'll regret it. It will come to fisticuffs, and it has. 

Every once in awhile someone outside of the normal crew we're with will touch me during a stretch. All my friends gasp and wait to see what I'll do. If I genuinely believe they didn't know my preexisting stance on stretch interruption, they'll be issued one final warning. Not to brag, but I have to explain this concept every time I start seeing a new girl. That's never a fun one, because they always think I'm joking and will without fail fuck around the next time I stretch. They also get one warning. Now, I'm not saying I'd fucking uppercut a girl for neutralizing my stretch, but I will walk out that second and never speak to her again. I'd rather she'd cheat on me. 

Look at that picture up top, looks like Shia LaBeouf's deadbeat cousin or something. I don't know how to wrap this up. I didn't have an underlying message to get across here. I think I just wrote this to get my warning out to more people. Don't fuck with my stretch.