Tragedy struck my household this morning. My dad got bagels and it turns out we have no cream cheese. Was it safe to risk it all going out for a bag of bagels this morning? Who's to say. Dad claims the local establishment is safe. He's not a doctor or anything but I really wanted a bagel so I agreed with him.
Beating out my sleeping brother, I got the plain which was bunking with an everything. I really thought it was going to be a good day. I sliced up my bagel, and my father's cause I figured I owed him a kindness. I went to the fridge to get us the cream cheese and it wasn't there. That can't be right, I closed the door, collected my thoughts and reopened the refrigerator. Not in the usual door spot, ok, maybe somebody put it on a shelf or something. Nothing. Not Philadelphia, not whipped, not even that weird cream cheese that comes in the pink container. Slowly, I turned to my disappointment of a father and asked him if he bought cream cheese. I knew he hadn't, but I hung onto my delusions because the prospect of a few more seconds of hope was better than nothing. That's when he said it. "I'm not going back out, just use the butter".
I must have been adopted. Butter? BUTTER?! Do I look like a serial killer to you? Only lefties and communists butter their bagels. Seriously, let's look at that picture above. That neanderthal is buttering his bagel with a steak knife! There's no form. Just clumps of butter placed randomly around the bagel. I don't need to see the 'After' picture to know that shit isn't going to spread correctly. I mean look at it! If you wanted me to butter something, you should have bought a bag of rolls.
I don't know the history of cream cheese but I just realized right now that I always assumed it was created solely for bagels. I remember eating a stuffed mushroom and learning how to make buffalo chicken dip, thinking "Wow that's a creative way to use something that's only used for bagels". Cream cheese was made for bagels. Bagels were made to be cream cheesed. So if you do butter your bagel, grab that steak knife you use to spread it, and take a long hard look at your wrist.
Beating out my sleeping brother, I got the plain which was bunking with an everything. I really thought it was going to be a good day. I sliced up my bagel, and my father's cause I figured I owed him a kindness. I went to the fridge to get us the cream cheese and it wasn't there. That can't be right, I closed the door, collected my thoughts and reopened the refrigerator. Not in the usual door spot, ok, maybe somebody put it on a shelf or something. Nothing. Not Philadelphia, not whipped, not even that weird cream cheese that comes in the pink container. Slowly, I turned to my disappointment of a father and asked him if he bought cream cheese. I knew he hadn't, but I hung onto my delusions because the prospect of a few more seconds of hope was better than nothing. That's when he said it. "I'm not going back out, just use the butter".
I must have been adopted. Butter? BUTTER?! Do I look like a serial killer to you? Only lefties and communists butter their bagels. Seriously, let's look at that picture above. That neanderthal is buttering his bagel with a steak knife! There's no form. Just clumps of butter placed randomly around the bagel. I don't need to see the 'After' picture to know that shit isn't going to spread correctly. I mean look at it! If you wanted me to butter something, you should have bought a bag of rolls.
I don't know the history of cream cheese but I just realized right now that I always assumed it was created solely for bagels. I remember eating a stuffed mushroom and learning how to make buffalo chicken dip, thinking "Wow that's a creative way to use something that's only used for bagels". Cream cheese was made for bagels. Bagels were made to be cream cheesed. So if you do butter your bagel, grab that steak knife you use to spread it, and take a long hard look at your wrist.
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