Putin’s Instagram Is Being Spammed By Horny Peace Pleaders

We don’t take nothin serious. Long story short, Russia is deploying troops on their border because they don’t like that all the countries that surround them are joining NATO. I’m not a politician or a journalist but I’m pretty positive that’s the meat and potatoes of it. How does America respond? Horny comments online. 

Click on any picture on Putin’s Instagram. It’s flooded with comments like “Vladdy Dadddyy 🥺” and “Please Vladdy don’t start a war, this isn’t the you I 

know” and “my thrussy will create world peace daddy putin, let me flew u out 😏🥰”. I’m not entirely sure what a thrussy is but if it can save lives I say we try it. 

There’s less than a 1% chance that Putin runs his own account but I’m positive that he’s aware of the comment situation. Imagine being the person who has to explain to Vladimir Putin what’s happening on his Instagram? The man is on the verge of starting World War III and you have to tell him that people are pleading for peace by saying “pwease vladdy daddy I promise to be a good little kitten” and using a shit ton of these emojis 💅 💅 💅 💅 . Did he chuckle or flip open the glass casing for the nuke button?

Social media warfare is officially another thing we have to deal with now. I wrote back in early December about how Ukraine meme'd Russia when all of this kicked off. I liked the strategy then to try and lighten the mood but it clearly didn’t work since the situation has escalated since then. 

That’s why this comment campaign makes me nervous. What if he’s pacing around his office right now like “these mf don’t take you serious out there”. Then we’re all in big trouble. It’s serious, it’s scary, and I can’t help cracking up scrolling through the comments. 

The Problem With Movies, Books, and TV Shows

I have an addiction to storytelling. I’ve watched an embarassing amount of TV shows and by today’s standards, read a shit ton of books. At any given time, I’m normally watching three shows. One dramatic show that I need to devote my full attention to. One easy going show to fall asleep to that doesn’t require me to see every single scene. And normally, one show that I’ve been watching that just dropped a new season. Books, are little portable TV shows that don’t require wifi. I’m normally reading one science fiction and one fiction book at the same time and switch back and forth depending on what I’m in the mood for. 

Anyone who reads or watches too much TV understands that it’s a long term commitment. An investement in hopes that your time spent properly equates to your satisfaction level at the conclusion. The only problem is every ending is the same. 

*Spoilers ahead for a whole bunch of shit. Ozark, Al Pacino movies, GOT, Boardwalk Empire, Sopranos, Vikings, Sons Of Anarchy.

This all occurred to me as I watched the last season (sike) of Ozark. I like to play detective when I’m watching a show and predict endings before I see them. But anyone who watches Ozark or has a brain already knows how it’s going to end. Marty will probably go work for the FBI. Wendy is going to die, possibly murdered by one of her children or Ruth, and whoever’s running the cartel is going to be dethroned. It’s not a guaranteed blueprint but one thing is for certain: it won’t end well for the Byrdes. It can’t. They’re not allowed. The Byrdes have done too much wrong for everything to turn out right. 

I’m picking on Ozark, and to be fair I’m only assuming the ending, but it’s everywhere. Either Al Pacino croaks over in the chair or he eats bullets at the top of the staircase because “crime doesn’t pay!” All of Daenerys work is undone and she’s stabbed by Jon because “the ends don’t justify the means!”. “Power belongs to the people!” so the winner of the throne is the weird emo wheelchair kid who’s basically the reincarnation of the psychohistory of humanity. Tony cuts to black, Ragnar’s dropped in the snake pit, Jax Teller kills himself, Nucky is shot on the boardwalk of all places, and just wait to you see how Dune ends. The list goes on and on and on. 

The problem with this is that you’re treating your audience like they’re stupid. Like if someone watches Ozark or Scarface they’re going to launder money for the cartel or sling coke. “Well, there were no repercussions for the Byrdes or Tony Montano, so why not me!” And I’m not calling to change the end of Scarface, it was perfect. All I’m suggesting is that not every single story has to follow the same old Hollywood tropes. 

The creator is being dishonest to their audience and their characters when every story makes you pay for the sins you’ve committed. The truth is, sometimes ruthless people get away with everything. Sometimes shitty things happens to people with good morales. To see that actually played out on a screen would be the biggest twist in decades. 

Just once I’d like to see an invader rise to power and claim the kingdom they’re fighting for. See a criminal make it out with all the hard work they put in with a shit ton of money and a happily ever after. But I won’t hold my breath. 

At least we have the last season of Peaky Blinders to look forward to, wonder what will happen…

Why Did Georgia’s Leading WR Transfer To Bama?

It’s been sixteen days since the National Championship and I’m only now able to talk about it. Going into the game I really didn’t think we stood a chance. Yes I said we, I’m still paying UA monthly, I’ve earned that right. After the first quarter I remember thinking holy shit we’re going to win this this. But it wouldn’t be a National Championship without Bama losing it’s star receiver. Metchie gone, Jameson 65 yards in the first fucking quarter before dying and Bryce still threw for 369! *Exhale*, count to ten. Like I was saying, Georgia’s receiver. 

Saban told you he didn’t like the idea of a portal, now you all have to pay. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and then beat ‘em even worse. Alabama has reached into the transfer portal and came out with the best corner, running back, and now wide receiver. 

This now brings Alabama’s total to eleven top 100 recruits of the 2021 class. We’ve taken 39th ranked Eli Ricks from LSU, All-ACC running back Jahmyr Gibbs from Georgia Tech, and Georgia’s leading receiver in yards and touchdowns, Jermaine Burton.

Even if none of these transfers pan out, which let’s face it, is unlikely. Having a top recruit transfer is like signing or trading for a first rounder in the NFL. You know there’s potential untapped there and you’re excited for it to blossom on your team. 

Now you might be wondering why a reciever who just won a Natty would abandon ship to join his school’s rival. It’s simple really. Stetson Bennett stinks. I don’t know what demons he summoned for that second half but he isn’t good. Georgia fans were literally calling for JT Daniels mid game. But now that he’s won a National Championship, Georgia will Georgia and never be able to admit the obvious- he’s not their best chance to win. *See Justin Fields.

Stetson won’t be the best option for the Bulldogs, but the receiving core in particular. I told you that Jermaine Burton was their lead receiver and that may have led you to believe he had a good year. Burton had 497 yards and 5 touchdowns. Not a bad year, but not exactly what you imagine for the best wide receiver on a championship team. 

Alabama is no stranger to taking under appreciated talent from blue blood programs and turning them into stars. Take Jameson Williams for example. In his first two years at Ohio State, Jameson posted a combine 266 yards and 3 touchdowns. In his only season with Alabama, he put up 1572 yards and 15 total touchdowns, solidifying his spot in the first round of the draft. For comparison, Georgia’s top four wide receivers combined for a total of 1564 yards and  15 touchdowns. 

Jermaine Burton has already won a National Championship, it’s time for him to focus on his draft stock. Stetson Bennett simply isn’t going to do it for him. Nice guy and all, good story, but he stinks. PLUS if it’s National Championships that tickles Jermaine’s fancy, why not join the program with the best odds? 

Of course I’m making all of this make total sense in the details. But this entire blog could’ve been answered in one sentence. Why? Because Nick Saban, and he’s out for blood. 

Barbershop Arguments: NFL Overtime Edition

Before my barber had his own shop he used to cut his clients out of his house. We could smoke, jack up his K/D on Call of Duty, and bullshit freely. He took care of us too, $10 for a cut no tip. When we were in high school anyway. If any one of my friends needed a haircut we’d go there as a unit just to hang out. It’s made us really close with our barber but also capable of losing our shit in his shop. 

We’ve had blow out fights. Which can get bit concerning when someone has a straight edge razor to your neck. Making customers nervous outside of the appropriate age group to be screaming in public about the latest football Sunday. But it always ends in a dap and a nice tip. 

Today’s argument centered around the NFL’s need for change concerning the overtime rules. To my surprise, my barber was against it. To his surprise, I was for it. But I’m staunchly aware that him taking a contrarian stance on everything is probably good for business. 

My barber claims, and I haven’t heard this argument yet, that extending overtime for both teams to have a shot at scoring is “soft”. He says that your defense has to step up and make and play. That allowing the other quarterback a chance to tie it is, “participation trophy culture.” This is where it really started to go off the rails. My barber began to compare the current OT rules as capitalism and the proposed change as socialism. 

I refuted, that not everything has to be political. It’s just sports, it’s not that deep. I only see it as the most logical solution to the coin toss having too much influence on stakes this high. I asked him if every other sport is “soft” and “socialist” since literally every other league allows both teams an opportunity to score. 

He responded with saying that this overtime makes the most sense for football since it’s the only sport that has the offense and defense as two separate units. The the initial defense has just as much an opportunity to make a play than the offense has to score. That Baseball, NBA, and hockey, all the players are on both offense and defense. Damn, didn’t expect that. I could tell he’d been having this argument for days now. 

He almost had me, almost. I said, okay so if it’s Yankees vs Astros in the playoffs, should the first team to hit a home run automatically win? No. My pitcher has a chance to stop your hitters and their pitcher has an opportunity to stop mine. He didn’t like that, it turned personal. 

He called me weird and didn’t expect this “soft” approach from me. That since “he played football” he “probably sees it differently.” Lunatic.

I told him he’s in the minority which he refused to believe. And as far as his “I played” argument, nearly all the players in the NFL, current and HOFers, were tweeting that the rule needs to be changed. Like his two years of high school varsity somehow stacks up to their professional careers. 

It was getting heated. So we agreed to leave it as a generational gap thing. Yeah, I don’t know, he’s only twelve years older than me. But we were scaring the high school kid in there who kept side eyeing the door. 

I prefer the college football rules on the fifty yard line. I think it’s the most fair and dramatic way to resolve games. Plus it’d be fun as fuck and jack up overs. I’ve also seen the “first to 8” approach and I’d be alright with that too. But something needs to change. I don’t care what the guy who fucked up my hairline says. 

At the end of the day, it’s why I love getting hair cuts. If you’re barber isn’t obsessed with conspiracy theories or dropping the clippers to scream in your face about sports, you’re in the wrong shop. 

Jackson Mahomes Is The Man

Haters. The whole lot of you. This country has a serious jealousy problem. I’m not sure where it originated with Jackson Mahomes. Maybe it’s because his sick dance moves, or because his brother is Pat Mahomes, or because he’s nice at basketball, but it’s out of control. I’ve never seen anyone so universally hated on the internet for virtually no reason. 

It’s hard to imagine someone who doesn’t know Jackson for how far his influence reaches. But if I had to explain him to someone who’s never heard of him I’d say he’s a great dancer who likes to cheer on his brother at football games. Oh, and he’s 21 years old and America wants to drive his lifeless body through the the streets like he’s Mussolini. 

Twen-ty-one-years-old. Meanwhile every single move he makes warrants a full investigation from the fun police. Like everyone applauding that fraud ass Kansas City bar who put Jackson on blast over Instagram. Oh I’m sorry, a 21 year-old is a dick at a bar? That’s national news now? Because I’m so sure all of you were just model fucking citizens your first year of legally drinking. I’ll tell you what, that KC bar lost a customer for life in me. 

I’m not saying Jackson’s perfect. He’s close, but he’s not without fault. Sean Taylor was a hero in every sense of the word and Jackson recklessly disgraced his memory by dancing on his memorial. Jackson acknowledged his mistake, publicly apologized, and plead that he was unaware of the memorial. Not only was he unaware, he claims he was told to go into the roped off area. But the WFT wouldn’t possibly set Jackson up to get the heat off their own skeletons in the closet, would they? Plus to be fair, if you didn’t look down it could have been easily mistaken for a roped off dancing area.

Don’t believe me? Here’s Jackson’s almost identical roped off area in Arrowhead. Only difference is Chiefs’ chains are yellow and WFT’s are white: 

These two incidents have contributed to Jackson being constantly harassed. Whether on his viral Renegade videos, from his suite, or being called “Mahomo” on the sidelines before the Bronco game. What’s wrong with people? Jackson’s just quirky and he’s explained multiple times that he identifies as straight. Even if he wasn’t, so what? Slurs from the stands is fucked up either way you slice it. Not that it matters if he was, but Jackson’s really not gay. Here’s a picture of him tonguing a ten. Find a new slant. 

For the amount of hate, criticism, and abuse Jackson takes online and in real life, he might be the most patient person of all time. Alright so one time he spilled a little water on a Ravens fan who spent the entire game heckling him. Oh no! Not water! How will that man ever recover?! One slip up, that was it. Every other thing hurled at Jackson is met with silent and peaceful resolve. No matter how cruel or unrelenting. 

Luckily, he has his best friend and sister in law Brittany to stand up for him when people are being dicks. Oh, but we hate her for some reason too. Because….why again? She yells when her Super Bowl winning husband scores a touchdown? Or because she dances with Jackson? I’m starting to think the media couldn’t find anything wrong with Mahomes so it turned everyone against his family and all you little rodents took the cheese. 

 

Oooooh right I remember. We want her thrown in jail because she sprayed champagne on fans after her husband won probably the best playoff game of all time. Because we would never stand for that, right? 

Right?

Right? 

(Alright this website sucks and my pictures are hit or miss so if it doesn’t load, it’s a lot less dramatic, but it’s Kyle Lowry spraying fans after the NBA title and some hockey player doing the same after presumably the Stanley Cup. I’m not entirely sure, I don’t care about hockey. But don’t take my word for it, Google’s a helluva drug.)

Despite the incessant attacks on Jackson and his family, he takes it all in stride. Admirable to say the least. If people tried to ruin my reputation on a weekly basis I’d be out for blood. But not our king. No, how does Jackson respond? Dances right in your fucking face. Deal with it. 

Play Until The Whistle

Do not go gentle into that good night. Jamie Escander, a Chilean soccer player, scored one final goal from beyond the grave. R-I-PK. While in his coffin, Jamie met the lads on the pitch for one last round of footy. His teammate passed a ball off his final resting place, setting up the assist against what has to be the worst goalkeeper to ever lace em up. 

It’s always been twistedly funny to me that wakes and funerals aren’t for the dead but for the living. The dead don’t care what’s going on, they’re dead. Like look what they’re doing with Jamie Escander, they’re just fucking around with a corpse. With our growing demand of spectacles and viral moments, funerals are becoming more and more entertaining. 

Like this guy who the mortician dolled up to play one last hand of poker. 

Or the baller who was buried in his hummer.

And I’m not criticizing anyone here, I also have a specific send off. I want to be the first dead person to be blasted into space. Loved ones could look up at the stars and think of me. I’d commandeer the entire sky. Plus my body would never decompose. Best part is my last contribution to the universe would go one of two ways. Either I’d enter into a foreign planet’s atmosphere like a burning Phoenix and crash land like a meteor. OR, and fingers crossed on this one, I’m found by intelligent life millions of lightyears away, becoming the most mysterious artifact in the history of their civilization. 

A Cruel Prank During Work

Teenagers are the meanest species alive. They hold nothing sacred, they have no decency, and are often downright cruel. But sometimes, they pull off the funniest shit. Don’t get me wrong, this prank I’m about to tell you about was malicious, but still unbelievably funny. 

I was informed by neighbors that there was a crazy man going around knocking on doors at 1:00 am. I go and check the houses that were supposedly knocked on and don’t see a soul. Nothing broken, nothing out of place, nothing seemingly happening. Maybe it was kids playing Ding Dong ditch or something. I’m about to give up when I see a car coming down the road at a creepily low speed. I motion to the car to stop and the driver rolls down the window. 

Because I was raised with respect, I looked the man in the eyes as I spoke with him. The guy’s about thirty. Not to be sacrilegious, but he had a beard and hair that looked like he styled it after every Jesus poster that hung in the halls of my Catholic elementary school. He tells me he was trying to contact a friend and must have had the wrong house. But his eyes were bulging out of his head. Not in a crazy way like I was previously told, but in a nervous kind of way. He was shaking uncontrollably. 

You have to understand, this is a dark residential neighborhood. Street lamps that have been there since the seventies. Whatever dim light they were capable of casting was blocked out by tall trees. But as my eyes began to adjust to the dark, I got the whole picture. The driver must have seen the realization on my face. 

“I can explain.” 

What I originally thought was a black wife beater was evidently a lace one-piece woman’s lingerie. Very, very, see through. The shapes on the floor below the passenger seat was a sea of dildos. The lipstick in his cup holder was still twisted open. 

“Wha…Uhhh…” 

I tried my best to stay serious but this was the first time I had literally caught someone with their pants down. This stranger didn’t look guilty, he looked embarrassed. He had a sheepish nervous grin on and told me it was ok to laugh. He must have seen me struggling. That was all the consent I needed, I lost it. 

When I regained my composure, I asked him what the hell is going on. He was stuttering and still pretty high strung. So I told him I’m not here to judge him that I just need to make sure nothing inappropriate was occurring. I explained that knocking on people’s doors at 1:00 while a nuisance, isn’t illegal. So if he had an explanation like he originally stated, now was a damn good time to come out with it. 

He let out a deep sigh and showed me his grindr profile. Sure as shit, the house he was knocking on was the address he was instructed to meet at. Along with very descriptive back and forth of what the two meeting up were planning to do to each other. Accompanied by a whole lot of pictures of very large black penises. 

When I was convinced that everything the driver thought was going to occur was a consensual agreement between two adult profiles, I instructed him to put his phone away. 

“Hey man, it’s all good. You like what you like, nothing wrong with that.” And then through gritted teeth I said, “I guess tonight didn’t go as planned, huh?” 

He replied, “I just knew it too. I knew it was too good to be true.” 

Before he left I asked him what happened to his car. It was beat to shit. Cracked windows, carved up door, and mirrors hanging off. He said “Crazy girlfriend!” 

“Alright get the fuck out of here, I have no idea what’s happening and the more questions I ask, the more confused I am.” 

The house that he was sent to had a registered sex offender living there. It’s public knowledge because of Megan’s Law. It’s a theory, but also probably a fact, that a bunch of kids got bored and made a grindr profile and sent a bunch of horned up dudes in lingerie to a pervert’s house. The victim here was really the bi-sexual crossdressing dildo-wielding Jesus who was only trying to let his freak flag fly. 

In Defense Of Cam Akers

Multiple fights broke out during the Ram’s physical 34-11 win over the Cardinals. One such fight occurred after Cam Akers lowered his shoulder into Budda Baker during a first down run to the five yard line. It was evident to the viewers that Budda was injured, and Akers gestured tauntingly for Baker to stay down. 

https://twitter.com/mainteamsports2/status/1483282760093470721?s=21

Not the best visual. Was it the classiest move to Tyron Lue a guy who had clearly lost control over his limbs? Certainly not. But anyone who believes that Akers knew the extent of the seriousness of the situation is a moron. 

It was a mistake made in the the heat of the moment but a mistake nevertheless. 

But let’s break down the heat of the moment for a second. Cam Akers is coming off an achilles injury that has claimed the career of just about every running back not named Adrian Peterson. And he did it in an astounding six months. I thought I was going to tear my achilles just watching his recovery video below. 

https://twitter.com/pff_jarad/status/1466082818904125444?s=21

So coming off an injury that had him calling his mother crying, doing it at a record pace, and then not only playing, but contributing heavily to a playoff win with 95 total yards - do we think that maybe Cam was a little jacked up? Of course he was and the moment got the best of him. 

Not only that, but this kind of behavior used to not only be acceptable, but encouraged. But don’t take my word for it, watch this unforgettable segment of Patrice O’Neal on the decline of brutality in football. 

“We’d be lookin for his mother crying, be like ‘that’s right lady, that’s what you get for letting him out here with killers.’ He can’t even wiggle his toes, take his socks.” 

There’s still a gladiator mentality when someone steps out on the gridiron. Something primal comes out with a big hit, truck stick, or turnover. Up until very recently, celebrating that was part of the game. The officials, the league, and quite frankly, societal norms, have changed to force you to suppress emotions that appear involuntary. 

I’m not excusing what Akers did or arguing that he should be allowed celebrate a dead body on the football field. What I’m saying is maybe we shouldn’t condemn the man who was obviously apologetic for a mistake he made in the heat of the moment. 

“@thereal_cam3: Prays up to Budda 🙏🏾 I didn’t know he was hurt after the play but I have nothing but respect for him .”

Thankfully, it appears that Budda Baker has been released from the hospital and in good spirits. The star safety initially took to his Instagram from his hospital bed to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Budda also informed everyone that his tests came back clean and that he will make a full recovery. 

Never Ask Someone To Place Your Bets

During the weekend, my brain looks like that Galfanakis gif with all the numbers flying around. It’s hard to keep track of everything I put out. Spreads, props, and odds from four different sportsbooks are swirling around my head and as I try my best to stay above water. Then the worst person in the world comes along and asks you to place a bet for them. 

This person can’t place their own bet for one of the three following reasons. 

The most forgiven and acceptable is that they’re out of state. If the air space they find themselves in won’t physically allow them to place a bet, I’ll place it. Begrudgingly, but I’ll do it. 

The next is the person who has gone over the limit they’ve set for themself. Don’t put me in that situation. If you have a limit that you’ve clearly gone over you most likely have a problem. If I don’t place it, you think I’m a bad friend. If I do place it, I’m enabling your addiction and definitely a bad friend. 

The last person is the worst of all. The guy who needs to hide his bets from his girlfriend/fiancé/wife. She already doesn’t like me, don’t rope me into your squabbles. Either stop gambling or break up with her. Spreads or spouse, pick one. 

Let me explain why this is such a shitty thing to do to a gambler. I’ve already spent the last few days researching what I like and what I’m not touching. I’ve set my lineup and I’m content with it. You asking me to place a bet puts me in a pickle. 

If I fade the bet you ask me to place and it wins I’m going to be furious. I’ll see the money in the top right corner and be like, “Fucking nice, what hit?” and then sink into my couch when I realize they’re not my winnings. What a depressing venmo to have to send.

So for fear of sending that demoralizing venmo, I rode with you. Despite being spread thin, I’m now forced to place my finances on your brain. If it wins, no harm no foul. But if it loses? I’m gonna freak out. I knew it wasn’t a good bet, that’s why I didn’t have it in my own lineup. Why the fuck did I trust Kyler’s over throwing yards in a parlay against Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey in a playoff game? I’m a fucking Rams fan!

So from here on out I will not be placing other people’s bets unless one of the two conditions are met. You pay a finder’s fee on winnings, or give me enough money to place two identical bets. These are my terms, good day. 

How Is A$AP Rocky Wearing My High School’s Varsity Jacket?

I always thought that if Rihanna was pictured next to a St. John Vianney letterman jacket that it’d be me next to her. No I didn’t. The above picture has flooded my timeline on platform. A$AP Rocky has decided to don my alma mater’s varsity jacket and everyone in my area has lost their minds over it. 

This has timed up perfectly with that Hungarian study making rounds on the internet that states, “People Who Are Obsessed With Celebrities May Be Less Intelligent.” Given the responses, you would think that A$AP Rocky collectively asked my entire school to come hangout with him and Rihanna. Everyone is shitting their pants. 

The comments, posts, and quote tweets have been embarrassing to say the least. People offering up their own jackets like the rapper is collecting them. Rival school’s alumni suggesting to Rihanna that she wears their letterman. The Asbury Park Press even picked up the story. Everyone wants to know why. 

But the question isn’t why, it’s a fresh jacket, that’s why. But rather how did he get the jacket? How did A$AP Rocky come across a bright yellow letterman from middle of nowhere, Holmdel, NJ?

Please allow me to be one of those idiots who obsess over celebrities momentarily. 

One popular theory is that he bought the jacket from a thrift store. This seems the odds on favorite but let’s explore all possibilities. For starters, ASAP Rocky grew up in Elmwood, NJ which is about forty minutes from SJV. It’s plausible that he knew someone from the high school and obtained it personally. Another prospect is that his stylist went to the school and presented it to him. Or his stylist just saw it and thought it was fresh. But if you want to get really juicy, maybe he slept with someone from the school and took the jacket as a trophy. The women’s jackets are the same exact thing as the mens’. Possible? Sure, but who from the Class Of 03-07 was possibly hot enough to bag the dude who’s dicking down Rihanna? 

If you want to know who’s jacket it is it’s not difficult to narrow down the suspect. First, the emblem on the back is a soccer ball with “03” in the middle. The name of the owner is on the left breast. ASAP has filed the name down to just “na”. So you only have to grab a 2003 SJV Yearbook and look at the men and women’s soccer teams. Look for a “na” in each of their names. My guess is it’s a Christina or Brianna. 

Although, the APP is now claiming to have found the former owner. A Tara Driscoll, Class of 2003. She states that the name script is a “ra” and not a “na”. Tara said she lost jacket years ago and that she would like it back. Seems like a bit of an opportunist to me, I’m not totally convinced of her story. Tara would have had a black jacket which goes with winning a state championship in 2000 which she claims to still have. So you still have the black one but lost the yellow one? Wouldn’t they be right next to each other in the back of the closet? Oh and you lost it and A$AP Rocky just happened to find it? Give me a break. Sounds to me like someone wants their name in the newspaper and a chat with a famous rapper. 

But it is curious. Rihanna had to have commented on it when she saw the jacket. How do you not? Does he know what school the jackets from? Did A$AP or Rihanna google my scho…No. I need to stop. I MUST reclaim my intelligence. 

Dive In: A New Podcast On The Lives Of Every Day People

I’ve always been drawn to dive bars. When going on road trips or driving in areas I’m unfamiliar with they always seem to snatch my attention. I like the ones with the yellowed out signs that look like they were hung in 1978. It makes me nostalgic to visit a place I’ve never been to. Who’s drinking in there? Who owns it? How has this bar, a little bigger than a shack, stayed open for the last forty something years? What are they doing right? 

I like a place where the capacity is low and the prices are lower. Where the bartender knows your order and you know all their pressing life issues. It’s normally got a dartboard with frayed our darts. Bonus points if they have an announcement sign outside that they can slide the letters and beer prices into. 

I can attribute my fascination for small time bars to my Uncle. He’s taken me to a dive bar an hour and a half away from his home where everyone knew his name. We once went to a sketchy dive in the Bahamas and said we were “fishing”. I thought I was going to be held for ransom, but that’s a story for another time.

The first dive he ever took me to was a biker bar not too far from my house. I was nineteen maybe, confident I wasn’t drinking age. We walked into the bar and it felt like a movie scene. I would have sworn the music skipped, every head turned, and a pool stick dropped to the floor. My Uncle with arms wide open, screamed “HEY WHO’S BIKES ARE OUT THERE?! I WAS CHECKING THEM OUT AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED THEM ALL OVER.” I couldn’t believe this was how I was going to die. The biggest man I’ve ever seen very calmly replied, “Tell the kid to leave and start praying.” To which my Uncle said “NAAAHH I’M JUST KIDDING, BUY EVERYONE A ROUND!” And everyone cheered? With their arms too roughly around our necks, we learned the bikers were doing a charity run for children’s leukemia. 

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Anyone could be disarmed with the right amount of confidence and a free drink. 
I would like to start a podcast that explores that avenue. Going from town to town to find the best dive bars and listening to stories. Daytime, of course. The people drinking in the afternoon in a dimly lit dive have the most to say.  I’d offer free drinks to anyone who could tell me the best story. 
The story could be anything as long as it’s true. It could be happy or sad, funny or dramatic. I’m great at telling stories but I also know how to extract the most out of a storyteller. Marc Pachter once coined a term on his TED Talk on interviewing, calling it a “living self-portrait”, which I think perfectly describes my goal here. Guide regular, hardworking people, to portray their story and their lives through this medium. 
I first got this idea while visiting a little Scottish bar in Kearny, NJ. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s but still remembers things from like fifty years ago. So I took him to where he first moved to when he immigrated here. Despite the sign on the wall of a list of names of people who weren’t allowed in the establishment for not paying dues, my Grandpa assured me we were fine. And we were. More than fine actually. I was shocked at the amount of people who knew who he was regardless of him not stepping foot in there for decades. There was one older gentleman who pulled me to aside while my grandfather was out gallivanting who whispered to me, “I owe your Granda my life.” These bars used to sponsor local soccer clubs. As luck would have it, this was one of my Grandpa’s old teammates. He went on to tell me a story about how their club entered a European tournament and that he roomed with Grandpa. While they were in Germany, this man was arrested. He said he was terrified and sat there for hours in a German prison not even sure what they picked him up for. He came to find out that he was arrested on the suspicion of sexually assaulting a woman outside of a bar. Which he denied, vehemently. The police took him because the victim said the attacker had a foreign accent. He said my Grandfather went down to the station and almost got locked up for yelling at the police. He swore that they hadn’t left the room the entire night since they were preparing for their big game. He told them to go out and look for the monster who actually did this. Days later they caught the bastard who committed the crime and he was released. He told me he sat there thinking about his life was ruined but that my Grandpa came every day to fight on his behalf. After his story my Grandpa came back to join us and the man said, “Great to see ya Willie,” and clasped him on the shoulder as he walked away. My Grandpa asked me “Who the hell was that?” and if you can’t see the hilarity in that then I don’t know what to tell you. 
But it goes to show you that you never know what someone’s been through. Who could’ve guessed this sweet old man in a Scottish bar was once in a German prison under false pretenses and that my Grandfather fought tooth and nail to get him out?
I expect these stories to contain sensitive information. The guest could give me their first name and town like a radio show or remain completely anonymous. I understand people want to share things without taking ownership. It’s their story and however they feel most comfortable delivering it is okay by me. 
Plus I’d take pictures of the bar to post with the release of an episode. The bars I plan to visit are family-owned establishments. Exposure could go a long way for a dive bar. How many people have lost their favorite bar? How many families have lost their business? This podcast could be a way for them to get there name out there to the masses. 
For a project like this, I think it’d be best to do it in seasons. I think ten to twelve episodes a year would be appropriate. I’d want people to look forward to the drop of a new season. Not just another obligatory listen on the docket. 
Every quarterback needs to be dual-threat nowadays. It would appear every blogger also needs a podcast. I’ll be as versatile as you need me to be. 

Metaverse Suggestions For A Media/Gambling Conglomerate

During my time with the Oculus Quest 2 I’ve taken down a zombie religion cult, manipulated time like the Matrix, became a secret agent, and spent time as a wooden lighthouse keeper. So I’m pretty much a pro. While getting myself acclimated to a parallel virtual world, I’ve noticed what works for the upcoming Metaverse and what’s just meh. 

If I worked for a media and gambling giant, here’s what I would suggest. 

There’s a key distinction that needs to be made here between interaction and interactive. Allow consumers to interact with your media the same way as always just on a separate platform. Blogs, videos, and podcasts, posted to an Oculus app same as your phone. Will a lot of people use the Metaverse to read and watch videos? Probably not at the moment, unless they get a notification while in a game or something. Why put on those big ass goggles when you can read or watch on your phone? So how do you get people onto your Metaverse app? Install interactive features. 

I wrote a blog back in April talking about making a board game of “The Dozen Trivia” where players can read off questions given to them or write in their own. With the Metaverse, a Dozen Trivia game would be straight fire. You could challenge friends or go head to head with your favorite Barstool personalities. See if you could get the celebrity mashups yourself. Or steal a question from Brandon. If you pre record Jeff asking teams questions, you can have put in pauses and steals for the customer to answer. The best part from a business standpoint is this game would be perpetual. You could update questions every six months or annually and charge each time for the new season. Like Fortnite or Call Of Duty expansion packs. The customer will feel like they’re actually on their favorite Barstool show from their living room. 

People go to this fake world but want it to be as real as possible. It doesn’t make sense really, but it does. It gives you access to places in the real world that you’d otherwise have no business being in. Which brings me to my next point. Invest in VR cameras. Allow people to put on the headset so they can stand next to Dave as he does a pizza review. Or sit in the studio with the PMT boys while they record. Or allow Erika to give you life advice face to face. Or let people see how tall Coley actually is. You get it. People want to feel like they’re a part of your product, and the Metaverse can put them right in the room with you safely and not stalker-y fashion.

On to gambling. 

The arms race to the first successful virtual casino is going to be intense. Yes, you’ll be able to walk around a room playing cards, roulette, and slots but I’m predicting that novelty will wear off pretty quickly. Why put the goggles on your face to see a ball spin round and round a roulette wheel when you can just as easily do it on your phone? You have to provide opportunities that people can’t see on their phones. 

Gambling has evolved from the traditional Pesci and De Niro casinos. If you can make it a game, you can sure as fuck gamble on it. For instance, say you had a multiplier game. We’ll call it, “To The Moon”. You place a wager and step into a rocket. The rocket shoots up towards the moon and it’s breathtaking as you look out your windows as you see yourself leaving the atmosphere. The higher the rocket goes, the higher the multiplier gets. But the player doesn’t know when the rocket will explode. If you pull out and glide back down to earth, you take your cash with whatever the multiplier was at. If the rocket explodes before you eject yourself, you lose everything. 
Now, is this a lot like “The Rocket Game” on DraftKings? Yeah it is. But it’d look really cool and there’s gotta be a way around it legally. DraftKings doesn’t own rockets. But if you can’t shake the pesky bastards, there’s other avenues to take. Like say you made a multiplayer game where you’re on a gridiron that looks like it goes on forever. You place a bet and get the football handed off to you. The more yards your back gains, the higher the multiplier goes. You never know if they’re going to juke a defender or break a tackle. So if you slide before you’re tackled, you take your money and run. But if you get hit sticked before you slide, you lose everything. 
But what about sports betting? How can we tackle that in the Metaverse. What I would do immediately is partner up with NASCAR. We’re a still a ways away from watching POV baseball, basketball, football, or hockey on a professional level. The cameras would have to be as big as the tip of a pinky to place on somebody while they’re playing. But putting a camera in a car? No problem. How fucking rock n roll would it be to place a bet on a race in the Metaverse, and then hop into the car of the driver you bet for the last lap. Cars bumping into you, going unimaginable speeds, and money on the line as you sit right behind the wheel. 
The Metaverse is limitless. All it takes is an imagination and you could build pretty much whatever the fuck you want. You can view things larger than life, live lavishly, blow zombies heads off, or rub virtual shoulders with your favorite bloggers and podcasters. 

Group Chat Politics

We live in an interesting time in human existence. With the massive boom in technology and instant communication, we’re the ones who’ll set the ground rules and etiquette for generations to come. There’s a lot of trial and error, sure. But I think most group chats operate on the same frequency. Everyone has a role to play. 

Every chat needs a hype man. This is the person who rallies the troops and gets everyone out to the bars. Normally a little too animated, but somebody has to be. They’ll call people pussies who decide to hang in or go on anniversary dinners with their girlfriends instead of drinks with the boys. Besides partying, they don’t provide anything of substance. But they will be the first person to “haha” one of your jokes. 

The empath is the moral compass of the group. They get you to participate in things that you don’t want to do but probably should be doing. They’re the one who asks the guy who’s moving if he needs US to help, essentially volunteering the entire chat. The empath constantly needs to feel like they’re a good person and be recognized for it. They’ll say “Happy Birthday” to someone in the chat instead of texting them individually to make it look like they beat everyone else to being a good friend. 

The dark cloud is the opposite of the hype man. They have a problem with every and any plans the group makes. They’re a bit of an outcast. Most of their texts get skipped over or cause radio silence in an otherwise empty chat. They’re the “anything going on tonight?” person who gets no response. If it wasn’t for the empath the dark cloud would probably murder the rest of the chat. 

The “haha” slut. Every single thing the slut says in the chat is an attempt at a joke. This varies from group to group and you pray you have a jester that sticks the landing. They’re normally the runner up for “Most Funny” in your high school year book and have been chasing the title ever since. 

The sports debater. This guy spends his time searching multiple sports media socials for “build-a-lineups”, rumor mills, and what-if scenarios. They post them in the chat to purposely incite riots. Their take is always the correct one and they’ll decimate your battery defending it. The debater is the one who causes 124 new notifications when you come back to your phone after putting it down for ten minutes. 

If you’re not part of a sub-chat, you’re the dark cloud. Sub-chats are made up of your closest friends inside the collective group chat. They’re essential to stay sane. You use sub-chats to talk shit about something someone said or did in the main chat. It isn’t polite to put someone on blast in front of the entire group but gossip is encouraged in the sub-chat. 

The rival is the bane of your existence. Every plan you suggest they have an alternative. They’re on every opposite side of each debate you join into. They refuse to “haha” any of your jokes no matter how fire it is. They’re a jealous piece of shit and normally the person you’re closest to in the entire group. Real best friends don’t want to see their friends shine. 

Roles don’t have to be mutually exclusive. People can be multiple or none. Like I’m probably both a haha slut and half empath. I feel terrible when someone gets crickets in the chat. But new roles pop up annually as how we communicate advances. Who knows what’ll be next with the Metaverse. 

My Presidential Platform

Every day there is a new story, a new policy, a new reason to further the divide this country. No matter which news station you subscribe to. One solution is to never watch the news. It works pretty well. But the best and final solution is to put me in the White House. 

I’ve given this a lot of thought. An independent who can fulfill their promises and smash both sides of the isle is exactly what this country needs. And I know just what to promise them. 

My first pledge, free streaming services provided by the US government. All of them. Hulu, HBO, Netflix, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, etc. Government contracts get passed out like tic tacs, I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t install one that invests in the betterment of every day living. Tackle the mental health crisis head on. The stress level of an entire nation would plummet overnight. Crime would rapidly decline. Who in their right mind would watch Ted Lasso and then go out and rob a bank?

My first promise is apreventative measure, but I wouldn’t want you to think I’m not tough on crime. My second move would be to make blowing your nose in restaurants an arrestable offense. Doing it at the dinner table would fall under domestic violence. Enough is enough. My meals are the most peaceful points in my day. I completely decompress while putting my anxieties on hold. Disrupting a cheesy bite of a burrito with a foreign nostril gurgle is nothing short of domestic terrorism. These criminals blantantly disregard humanity and threaten a harmonious coexistence.

Thirdly, I will implement 24 Hour college cafeteria style restaurants in every town and city in America. We will defer to the census to decide the amount of restaurants in each jurisdiction based on population. Two swipes a day for each American. We will hunger no more. Will it be gourmet? No, but we’ll do steaks on special occasions. Do you miss eating a Stromboli, lo mein, and a cheeseburger on one plate? Vote TKJ. 

These promises will be carried out diligently and in a swiftly manner. I will personally make each one of my pledges my number one priority. Unless we have to go to war or something but we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. I would never make an asinine promise I couldn’t keep. Y’know, not like building the Great Wall of America at the southern border or promising to cancel everybody’s student loans. That would be ridiculous. 

The Best Stand Up I Watched In 2021

Stand up comedy is a comfort crutch for me. The only problem is searching for it. Netflix has taken the mantle of pumping out the most specials on any streaming service but it still isn’t enough. Besides they’re a bit more quantity over quality at the moment, but it’s a step in the right direction. 

I consume all styles of specials. It’s the perfect thing to fall asleep to. It’s normally light hearted, it blocks out the scaries that keep me up at night, and it doesn’t require my eyes to be open. I even enjoy bad specials. In fact, sometimes I prefer them. I constantly have to convince myself that I’m better than people and hearing the audience laugh at jokes that aren’t funny trick me into thinking, “Hell, I could that.” 

But reality hits when you’re watching a master comedian. Some jokes are so complex that it leaves your jaw slacked. Some jokes are so geniusly (not a word) simple that it makes you angry that you didn’t think of it. These are the comedy specials that I most associate with that kind of comedian.  

First let’s knock out some honorable mentions that might piss people off. Nate Bargatze sadly didn’t make the cut. This might be because Tennessee Kid was so great that whatever followed was bound to disappoint. I could watch Nate talk about paint dry and think it was funny but this special came dangerously close to testing that theory. Bo Burnham’s Inside was also left off the list. I think he’s incredibly talented, and some of those songs were fuckin heaters, but he’s never been my thing. Plus it wasn’t a stand up special. It just wasn’t. He created a new sort of sketch genre. Go cry about it.

4. Louis CK’s “Sorry” 

This was released on Louis’ website for $15 or something. A late addition to the lineup dropping without warning in mid-December. Everything with his comedy feels so calculated yet so effortless. Walking out to a giant old timey movie “SORRY” sign with that grin on was a perfect opening. Louis is at his best when he’s so uncomfortably correct about tough issues. The beginning of his special where he does nearly fifteen minutes on pedophilia will make you squirm and crack up at the same time. I was nervous for comedians relying too heavily on Covid humor this year but Louis navigated it masterfully. First asking the audience how they’ve enjoyed living like he has the last few years and mocking the public’s obsession with counting deaths. “That’s like a 9/11 EVERY DAY!“ He then goes into measuring tragedies in terms of how many 9/11’s it is. I thought this special was going to be higher on my list after such a strong first half, but the back nine felt like he mailed it in. Funny still, but just whatever. Totally worth the buy landing in the four spot. 

Favorite joke: 

“Every solution has to be based on the reality that there will always be pedophiles.” Louis suggests that someone make realistic sex dolls for pedophiles. When the crowd loudly groans in disgusts he responds with “OK! Then let them fuck your kids forever if that’s better?!”

3. Shane Gillis Live In Austin

Shane Gillis went from no name comedian to national headlines when he was fired from SNL before performing a single episode for uncovered Asian impersonation videos. Shane doesn’t pull any punches and does a ballsy amount of jokes involving race despite his past. But watching his special he perfectly paints the difference between racist jokes and jokes about race. Shane also talks about how a Fox News Dad is a good Dad but a Fox News Mom is no good. He mocks both Trump and Biden and gives a hell of an instructional video on how to nail a Trump impression. I love how he scolds the audience for feeling uneasy as he tackles his sisters’ heroin addiction. It’s his sister, why do they have any right to insinuate that he can’t joke about his own family? Overall very impressive debut special. Shane doubled down, bet on himself, and it paid off. Plus he released it for free on YouTube. 

2. Dave Chappelle’s “The Closer”

“Careful Dave, they after you!”

“One they? Or many theys?”

When are people going to learn that if you tell Dave Chappelle he can’t do something he’s going to do that thing even harder and get more rich off of it. I remember texting friends after I saw this special urging them to watch it in fear that Netflix was going to take it down. Any comedy special that generates this much discourse and attention deserves to be high on the list. Dave’s never seen an envelope he didn’t want to shove off the table. After being heavily criticized for his jokes on the LGBTQ+ in his previous special, Dave made the group his focal point for the majority of “The Closer”. The jokes were relentless but Chappelle later reveals a story of a trans comedian whom he befriended. Sadly, they tragically passed away but she was able to educate him more on the community. The underlining message being that Chappelle isn’t fighting against the LGBTQ community but rather the censoring of comedians and the attempt to ruin their careers over a joke. Available on Netflix.

Favorite joke: 

“I’d like to start by addressing the LGBTQ community directly and I want everyone in the community to know that I come here tonight in peace. And I hope to negotiate the release of Da Baby.” 

Dave goes on to talk about how Da Baby lost his spot as the number one streaming artist after a homophonic rant on stage during a Florida concert. Chappelle even acknowledged that the rapper went too hard and that he made a mistake. 

“But a lot of the LGBTQ community doesn’t know Da Baby’s history. He’s a wild guy. He once shot a {redacted} and killed him. In a Walmart. ….Nothing bad happened to his career. Do you see where I’m going with this? In our country, you can shoot and kill a n{ope}, but you better not hurt a gay person’s feelings.” 

1. James Acaster’s “Cold Lasange Hate Myself 1999”

I think James Acaster is one of the funniest people on the planet right now. He’s quirky, unpredictable, and impossibly hilarious. He somehow has an awkwardness and a confidence that he deploys depending on whatever will make the situation funnier. I can watch clips of him on British television shows all day. Following his three part debut on Netflix’s “Repertoire”, James really seems to find his footing here. “Repertoire” was fantastic but the cleverness of the jokes were clearly based off characters created by the comedian. In his new special we get to know James Acaster as he bases his jokes off of his real life stories. “Cold Lasange Hate Myself 1999” goes into James’ hangover bomb on The Great British Bake-Off, hilariously criticizes Brexit, dives into his struggle with newfound fame, tackling his depression while fighting with his psychiatrist, and an unforgettable Mr. Bean rivalry. You have to purchase it to watch on Vimeo but it’s worth every penny. 

Favorite joke:

“She left me…uh..as is, tradition.” 

James talks about how he was living in a small apartment with a girl who was cast in a popular play. They were growing apart and he was becoming needy and paranoid. He says the worst it got was when he accused her of falling in love with Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) who was in the play.

“Still, ridiculous that I thought it to myself though. I mean, my whole life I never thought that that would be a concern of mine at any point. We’re worlds apart me and him. Universes apart, really. This is Mr. Bean we’re talking about, y’know? This is crazy right? Even more crazy…yeah that is what happened.” 

James goes into how it’s a true story and that if he made it up it wouldn’t be funny. James talks about how he wasn’t left for Rowan Atkinson but for Mr. Bean since that’s who he’s always been to him. He asks the crowd if they’ve ever been left for someone they knew their entire life. 

“Maybe looked up to and admired? Maybe the reason you’re working the job you currently work in? Ever been left for that person? Y’know, a hero and an icon. Ever been left for a hero and an icon?” 

James says how he’s the only person in the world who’s been left for Mr. Bean since Atkinson was with his wife before the character was created. Then Bean divorced from his wife and started dating his ex and they’re still together today. He explains that you have no idea how much Mr. Bean pops up on television, commercials, billboards, scrolling through Netflix until you’re girlfriend leaves you for him. He can’t escape Mr. Bean.

_____________________________________________

It was a pretty dry year as far as comedy specials go. But I guess that was to be expected given the whole two year global pandemic thing. I might have missed a special that you feel deserves to be on the list but I don’t care because it isn’t your list. It’s mine and these are the only four that I’d recommend as a “drop everything and watch it” special. 

5 Insane Ways We Used To Flirt On The Early Internet

We all remember our first crush. The embarrassment you would go through to figure out if your love was reciprocated or unrequited will stick with you forever. You’re not sure what to do with this feeling. Flirting is tough at first. That’s why we start out being mean or rocking girls in the face during dodgeball. Next thing you know, you’re calling her landline with your buddy and praying her Dad’s not on the other end. I remember in the third grade I bought my crush a key chain from Amish Country with her name on it and just left it in her desk. Horrible. When she found it and publicy asked the entire class who did it I refused to admit it was me. Horrible. Still haven’t admitted it. But, she did wind up being my first girlfriend cause a motherfucker had game. 

But what was a stagnant and traditional process for decades had a wrench thrown into it with the introduction of the internet. We were pioneering new territory. Your older cousins or siblings could no longer give you advice because they were also making it up as they went. It was a cringey learning process. 

Here is a list of methods I deployed throughout different stages of my youth. Some of them grammar school, some middle school, and others high school even. All terrible. 

5. WCW

In terms of the timeline, this was the latest addition to social media flirting. But definitely still early in terms of Instagram days. Just raw psycho behavior from a bunch of horny dudes on the internet. Every Wednesday was littered with guys losing battles to their demons. They might of well just said “Hey you know who I really wanna fuck?” on a weekly basis. And we all just shrugged and accepted it. We even liked that shit like “hell yeah man, she’s hot.” I became a local hero for a week when I WCW’d Jeter’s girlfriend and she liked it. 

4. Facebook Poking

As if Facebook was aware of how childish we all were, it allowed us to cyber poke each other without any explanation. No one knew why poking was there. Facebook never said “Hey this is how you’re supposed to utilize the poke.” The proverbial toe in the water if you would. I had a LINEUP of chicks I was Facebook poking. I shudder at the thought of people I used to poke. I mean, I was poking back and forth with girls for months that I had never even met. Or even spoken to. But it was the best notification to see pop up on your home page. Alarmingly red. It could also be used for relationship warfare. Get in your own head if someone didn’t poke you back for awhile. I remember when I was “talking to” this girl in high school we got into a fight and I didn’t poke her for weeks. The not poking turned into a bigger fight than the original argument. She hit me with a “Fine, I guess I’ll have to start poking other people then.” Poked her as soon as I got home after that. 

3. MySpace Top 8

Every MySpace user was a King Arthur and was tasked with knighting their virtual Round Table. If you bumped someone down in your rankings, you better have an accusation that’ll stick. A social deathblow if you removed them entirely. But every Top 8 had at least one girl in it. Every Arthur needs a Guinevere. If you want to know who a guy “liked”, see what girl was in his Top 8. If you wanna know how close he was to landing her, listen to the song that played on his profile.

2. The MMT Treatment

Ok, this is a method that was only used by myself and my two friends, Mike and Matt. As far as I know anyway. It’s a bit niche but it’s easily the craziest way we chased girls on the internet. I wouldn’t admit to this if it didn’t have such a high conversion rate. Alright, what we would do is pick a girl we found attractive and then bombard her with notifications. We would kamikaze either a status she put up or a picture she posted. The lead guy would first comment something that makes sense with the context. Then the other two guys would essentially start a conversation with the first guy on her post. So say I was lead man and I commented on a picture and said “cute dog” or something. Then Mike would comment on the picture and say “Oh hey TKJ”. Followed by Matt going “Oh hey TKJ and Mike”. Then we’d basically start a group chat of the three of us on her picture talking about nothing of importance. The amount of notifications this girl would receive dictated acknowledgement. Two things would happen from there. Either she’d message us individually calling us crazy and we’d apologize for our friends’ behavior OR she’d jump in on the joke and join the conversation in the comments. The amount of girls numbers we got doing this simply didn’t make any sense. We started seeing a group of girls two towns over by implementing the MMT. 

1. AIM Profiles 

AIM was the first kind of social media that the world was introduced to. Yeah there was AOL but that was pretty much just glorified emailing. It didn’t have the profiles and away messages that AIM had. All the sequels to it have been bullshit. My AIM profiles had my favorite teams listed, who my best friends were, and a song lyric ranging anywhere from Led Zepplin to the latest Ludacris bop. I don’t know if this was regional thing or who started it, but I can confirm this happened in my area. You’d hit enter a bunch of times so people had to scroll all the way down to the very bottom where it would say “i like *******”. Good luck cracking that code. Asterisking out your crush’s name was all the rage on AIM. Some psychos would even have multiple redacted names, “i like ******* or *****”. Look at Casanova over here. If your asterisks changed and you lost or gained characters, it was major news. If you were online the conversation boxes would pop up all over your desktop. If you changed it and mic dropped by signing off, people would flood your landline demanding you “Get on AIM now!” Such a rush if you’re crush had the “i like…” section of their profile. If your name didn’t line up with the amount of asterisks, you’d immediately go through the seven stages of grief. But if you did have the right amount of letters for their little code? No better feeling in the world.

_____________________________________________ 

It’s both comical and humiliating looking back at the lengths we would go for a girlfriend we were scared to talk to in real life. If I’m being honest it’s probably when I peaked. It was such a wholesome and harmless time. Even though our parents believed that putting our intimate thoughts on the internet was a death sentence. I guess that’s the way of things though. Cause I’m nervous for the kids today. I didn’t have Snapchat or Tik Tok in those formative years. What mortifying mistakes are the next generation going to make? Do they duet their crushes’ Tik Toks? Do they profess their love on Snapchat knowing it disappears? Those poor souls have no idea that these cringey pursuits for love are going to be in the back of their minds for the rest of their lives. 

Trying To Wedge Your Foot In The Door

The time has come, again, for me to scratch and claw my way into the candidate pile for the newest Barstool application. While I was able to plead an impressive case, I’m hoping this extra addition to my application will further prove my hard work and dedication to this dream. 

There is a section of the application which asks you to check off which areas you’re comfortable making content in. Now, I’m sure everyone clicked every option available. But I think it’s only in theory that they BELIEVE they can make content in these categories. Some people talk about it, others be about it. Luckily I’ve written so many blogs that I can further showcase my aptitude for covering anything I think I can make funny or interesting. 

Here are the areas I checked off and corresponding blogs that I’ve written recently for that genre. (More blog under the links. Probably the most important part actually.)

Gambling: 

12/22/21 

Should You Bet On A Team You Root For: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/should-you-bet-on-team-you-root-for.html?m=1

11/21/21

Big Bait Catches Big Rat

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/death-to-handicappers.html?m=1

NFL: 

9/20/21 

Don’t Waste Your Football Sunday At A Bar:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/09/football-sunday-is-not-for-bars.html?m=1

10/19/21 

Former Rams/Bears RB Claims NFL Is Scripted: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/10/former-ramsbears-running-back-claims.html?m=0

NCCAF: 

12/1/21 

This Week Was A Perfect Example Of Why You Should Go To A Big Football School: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/this-week-was-perfect-example-of-why.html?m=1

12/27/21 

Holiday Tide-ings: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/holiday-tide-ings.html?m=1

10/18/21 

Fuck Coach O:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/10/fuck-coach-o.html?m=1

MLB: 

11/23/21 

The Yankees Don’t Buy Players But I Wish They Would: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/the-yankees-dont-buy-players-but-i-wish.html?m=1

5/18/21 

Exclusive Video: Did David Wells Ever Consider Drinking To Throw More Perfect Games: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/05/exclusive-video-did-david-wells-ever.html?m=1

4/29/21 

Is Baseball More Fun When Your Team Is Losing?

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/04/is-baseball-more-fun-when-your-team-is.html?m=1

5/22/20 

The Only Honest Blog About Aaron Judge’s Girlfriend:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/05/the-only-honest-blog-about-judges.html?m=1

3/16/20 

My Live Fantasy Baseball Draft During Coronavirus:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/03/my-live-fantasy-baseball-draft-during.html?m=1

NBA: 

6/7/21 

Joel Embiid Is The Perfect 76er: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/06/joel-embiid-is-perfect-76er.html?m=1

4/5/20 

Asking Tony Allen About The Play Where He Kicked Chris Paul In th Face: 

https://twitter.com/tkjsucks/status/1246943395903348737?s=21

Music: 

10/11/21 

Demi Lovato Now Believes “Aliens” Is Derogatory Towards Extraterrestrials: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/10/demi-lovato-believes-aliens-is.html?m=1

Pop Culture: 

4/17/21 

The Original Influencers: NY’s “Club Kids” In The 80’s & 90’s:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/04/the-original-influencers.html?m=1

Reality TV: 

9/6/21 

Survivor Preseason Rankings Based Soley Of Internet Profiles: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/09/survivor-preseason-rankings-based-only.html?m=1

7/1/21 

Big Brother Preseason Rankings Based Soley Off Internet Profiles: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/big-brother-preseason-ranking-based-off.html?m=1

*FYI my preseason number one won

True Crime: 

11/16/21 

Robert Durst Of HBO’s Documentary “The Jinx” Sentenced For Murder: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/durst-of-hbo-documentary-jinx-sentenced.html?m=1

Movies: 

12/23/21 

Confronting My Biggest Issues With The Matrix Before Resurrections: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/confronting-my-biggest-issues-with.html?m=1

11/9/21 

Bradley Cooper Is Spearheading The Next Great Scifi Movie: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/bradley-cooper-is-spearheading-next.html?m=1

9/29/21 

Horror Characters Ranked On How Likely I Am To Survive: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/09/horror-characters-ranked-on-how-like-i.html?m=1

TV: 

Preview For The Newest Netflix Comic Book Show: Sandman:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/09/preview-for-newest-netflix-comic-book.html?m=1

Books:

 

7/27/21 

Actually Good Recommendations To Get You To Start Reading: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/actually-good-recommendations-to-get.html?m=1

Comedy: 

11/29/21

How To Stop Reliving Your Bad Drunken Night 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/how-to-stop-reliving-your-bad-drunken.html?m=1

10/8/21

Let’s All Agree To Ban Thank You Cards 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/10/lets-all-agree-to-ban-thank-you-cards.html?m=1

9/15/21

Podcasts Are The New Personality Tests 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/09/podcasts-are-new-personality-tests.html?m=1

7/18/21

No Shower Sundays

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/06/no-shower-sundays.html?m=1

7/15/21

On House Sitting Etiquette 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/on-house-sitting-etiquette.html?m=1

Dating Relationships: 

8/24/21

The Social Contract Of Dancing: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/08/the-social-contract-of-dancing.html?m=1

6/11/21 

The Dual-Anniversary Paradox: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/06/the-dual-anniversary-paradox.html?m=1

8/5/21

Worst Descriptions To Have In Your Dating Profile: 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/08/worst-descriptions-to-have-in-your.html?m=1

3/3/20

Baby Yoda Broke Up Me And My Girlfriend:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/03/baby-yoda-broke-up-me-and-my-girlfriend.html?m=1

Memes: 

12/8/21

Ukraine Memes Russia While On The Brink Of War

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/ukraine-memes-russia-while-on-brink-of.html?m=1

Streetwear: 

11/17/21 

How To Become A Holiday Shopping God

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/how-to-become-holiday-shopping-god.html?m=1

11/11/20

Confession: I Don’t Know When Sports’ Jerseys Are Ugly Or Not

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/11/confession-i-dont-know-when-sports.html?m=1

Health And Fitness: 

2/17/21

I’m Better Than The Guys Who Work At My Gym

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/02/im-better-than-guys-that-work-at-my-gym.html?m=1

Space: 

7/6/21

Do Aliens Play Sports?

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/do-aliens-play-sports.html?m=1

2/21/21

Why Do Old People Hate Aliens?

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/12/why-do-old-people-hate-aliens.html?m=1

7/14/20

Can You Shave In Space?

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/07/can-you-shave-in-space.html?m=1

Science: 

6/13/21

I Don’t Know What Lightning Is:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/i-dont-know-what-lightning-is.html?m=1

10/5/21

Meet America’s Real Life Doc Brown

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/10/meet-americas-real-life-doc-brown.html?m=1

Technology: 

2/21/21

Aging With Technology

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/02/aging-with-technology.html?m=1

Metaverse: 

12/7/21

What I’m Most Excited For Since Joining The Metaverse

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/what-im-most-excited-for-since-joining.html?m=1

Food/Eating It:

8/23/21

The Truth About McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/08/the-truth-of-mcdonalds-ice-cream.html?m=1

12/8/20

Waging War On Italian Food

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/11/waging-war-on-italian-food.html?m=1

5/29/20

Salt Bae Should Be Canceled After Coronavirus

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/05/salt-bae-should-be-canceled-after.html?m=1

12/6/20

The Porkroll/ Taylor Ham Argument Is For Losers

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/12/the-porkrolltaylor-ham-argument-is-for.html?m=1

Politics:

2/27/20 

I Don’t Vote And I Don’t Care 

 http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/02/i-dont-vote-and-i-dont-care.html?m=1

2/19/21

Prince Harry Update From An American Royals Expert

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/02/prince-harry-update-from-american.html?m=1

2/8/21

We All Need To Chill Out With Greta Thurnberg

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/02/we-all-need-to-chill-out-with-greta.html?m=1

History: 

11/2/21

The Gangster Greek Philosopher You Never Heard Of

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/the-gangster-greek-philosopher-youve.html?m=1

8/4/21

Hunter Thompson: The Last American Outlaw 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/08/hunter-thompson-last-american-outlaw.html?m=1

Travel/Concerts: 

9/1/21

Marilyn Manson Was The Wildest Concert I Ever Worked

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/08/marilyn-manson-was-wildest-concert-i.html?m=1

Travel/International: 

11/10/21

The Weirdest Competitions Around The World

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/most-mental-competitions-around-world.html?m=1

Travel/Domestic

6/6/21

6 Tips To Survive Your Jersey Shore Summer House 

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/07/6-tips-to-survive-your-jersey-shore.html?m=1

3/2/21

The Uncrowned Festival King

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-uncrowned-festival-king.html?m=1

Social Media: 

12/30/21

Facebook Community Pages Are The Best Thing On The Internet:

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/12/facebook-community-pages-are-best-thing.html?m=1

11/11/21

Is Instagram Dead?

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/11/is-instagram-dead.html?m=1

6/8/21

I Could Beat Up A Spear Weilding Mark Zuckerberg

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2021/06/i-could-beat-up-zuckerberg-with-spear.html?m=1

2/3/21

Onlyfans Ruined This Kid’s Life

http://heavyts.blogspot.com/2020/12/onlyfans-ruined-this-kids-life.html?m=1

I’d be shocked if someone read all of those in one sitting. Flattered actually. Point is, if you need a blog on Gambling, NFL, NBA, MLB, NCAAF, Music, Pop Culture, Reality TV, Movies, Television, Books, True Crime, Comedy, Dating Relationships, Memes, Space, Science, Concerts, Domestic Traveling, International Traveling, History, Food, Technology, Streetwear, Health and Fitness, Politics, Social Media, or The Metaverse, it’s there. Control F to find a recent blog I wrote on any of the categories listed in the Barstool Application. I didn’t just check boxes on the assumption that I could create content on these topics, I spent the last few years writing to prove I could. 

Which begs the question, if I’ve been writing so much, why haven’t I amassed a following? Great question, thank you for asking. I only tweet out my blogs from @TKJsucks on Twitter to Barstool employees. Anyone outside of Barstool who follows me gets blocked. It sounds counterintuitive but given the nature of my profession I will not jeopardize my coworkers because I’m trying to be funny. I love the people I work with, I won’t put them in the crosshairs for the pursuit of my dream. I’d love to clarify further and provide further understanding in person.

So I blog into the void. Never knowing if my years of work is falling on deaf eyes. Or maybe blind eyes makes more sense in this context. Blogging has always been my favorite part of Barstool. Sure, you can learn about someone from a video but reading their thoughts gives you a window into who they are and what they stand for. If given the chance, I’d blog my ass off for awhile until people knew what I was about enough to start a podcast. I have an idea for one. But blogging will always will always be my bread and butter. My first passion. 

So I’ll say a prayer. Do a ritual. Create good karma. All in the hopes that somebody is reading this. Because I’m hungry to contribute to this company I love. I promise you this, no one will outwork me because I understand how special an opportunity this would be.