The word “festival” has recently been corrupted to leave a bad taste in your mouth. Festivals are now synonymous to loud co-eds in even louder clothing grinding down so hard on the straw in their mouth that you worry they’re going to start spitting up teeth. But true festivals don’t live in the parking lots of professional stadiums, but rather in small town Americana.
I was born in a one square mile town. Visiting small towns make me feel like everything’s going to be alright. In these bubbled off towns, small problems seem so big and big outside problems seem so small. Nothing brings a community together like shutting down Main Street and celebrating some weird specific tradition.
I went down a deep internet hole of these weird traditions and festivals the other night. I haven’t been to any of these festivals yet, hence the “uncrowned” in the title. But festivals better count their fucking days because my usurpation is coming. Here are my top 5 target festivals I plan on attending in the future.
5. National Hollerin Contest, Spivey’s Corner, NC
WOO PIG SOOIE! I love the passion that comes from the hollerers. Believe it or not there are four different types of hollerin: communicative, functional, expressive, and distress. I just have so many questions. What do the judges look for in differentiating scores? How far does the prestige reach for the winner afterwards? Is hollerin something these competitors worked at or is it a natural born talent? Every single winner has come from the hosting county of Sampson...all except one. How big of a legend did the winner from the bordering Wayne County have to be to steal the title from the home turf? Do they hate the Wayne hollerer for bringing home the championship as a visitor? Or was his hollerin so beautiful that he’s still held in hollerin lore? If hollerin ain’t your thing, you can participate in contests like watermelon rollin or biggest bell pepper. This is a time machine festival.
4. Grumpy Old Men Festival, Wabasha, MN
Besides the whole getting ready to punch your ticket part, being a grumpy old man is the dream. Nobody can say shit to you. Do what you want, say what you want because everyone just chalks it up to you being a grumpy old man. For a whole weekend, this is how the people of Wabasha act. Based on the 1993 classic Grumpy Old Men, this town channels their inner Max Goldman for their festivities. The weekend is headlined by good ol fashioned drinking, ice plunging, ice fishing, and minnow racing. But you better believe I’d spend my time placing dead fish underneath various car’s passsenger seats.
3. Ullr Fest, Breckinridge, CO
Norse mytholgy has been hot in the streets for a couple years now. Between the show Vikings, Thor movies, and video games like God Of War and Valhalla, everyone fancies themselves a mini Norse historian. Ullr, the god of snow and winter is the belle of this ball in Breckinridge. They party in his honor every year. And when I say party, I mean fuckin party. Everyone’s dressed up as Vikings with a drink in their hand as they parade the streets with floats that you can ski off of. They have a shot stick made up of connected skis that’s a couple of street blocks long. Come night time, they host a MASSIVE bonfire made up of the town’s discarded Christmas trees. The fire is accompanied by more drinking and a big ass dance party. Skol.
2. Gelande Quaffing Championship, Jackson Hole, WY.
If you didn’t watch the video, do yourself a favor and go back. By far the craziest drinking game I’ve never heard of. As the legend goes, late one night while closing the bar in this small Wyoming town, the bartender slid a beer to his patron who let it fly off the bar, caught it and slugged it back. High on the moment and amongst other things probably, the boys kept the beers slinging down the end of the bar and turned it into a game. They integrated tricks and point system. It has now taken on a mind of its own in the annual championship with every one dressed like Beerfest contestants. As far as I can tell Gelande Quaffing is made up of four 60 second rounds. Teams of four in a head to head match, relay style. First round is just slide as many beers as you can, catch and chug. Second round, same thing but you have to complete a 360 spin before your catch. Third round you have to complete a through the legs catch before your chug. Last round you have to do one regular catch, one 360, one through the legs, and one freestyle move. From the videos I’ve seen, the freestyle tricks have consisted of lighting the table on fire, back flip catches, flinging beers off skis, and catching and chugging a beer upside down while two teammates hold your feet. I mean, cmon. What’s better than bullshittin with your buddies, making up a game and having it turn into a national phenomenon?
1. Frozen Dead Guy’s Day, Nederlands, CO
I love weird shit. It doesn’t get much more weird than celebrating the random dead frozen grandpa in your town. Apparently there was this old man who lived in Nederlands who decided to go the Ted Williams route. Well, unfortunately for him, his remaining family decided to fuck off back to Norway leaving him frozen and deceased in a random shed. Well the nice town of Breckinridge decided to honor the old man’s wishes and appoints a caretaker each year to keep him frozen in his shed. In honor of the frozen dead guy in their town they party their asses off each year in his memory. The events are just as strange as their predicament. There’s coffin races, where you make your own death beds and carry your teammate through an obstacle course. There’s a costume themed ice pool plunge, ice turkey bowling, frozen t-shirt contest, frozen salmon toss, and brain freeze contests. The nights are topped off with karaoke, live music and drinking. The color scheme is very 80’s ski lodge, and everybody dresses up as zombies or other dead people. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
So there you have it. My mapped out plan for sheer American festival domination. I’ll be a ruthless King. That is, once this covid stuff is over. And as long as I have the time to take off work.
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