We live in an interesting time in human existence. With the massive boom in technology and instant communication, we’re the ones who’ll set the ground rules and etiquette for generations to come. There’s a lot of trial and error, sure. But I think most group chats operate on the same frequency. Everyone has a role to play.
Every chat needs a hype man. This is the person who rallies the troops and gets everyone out to the bars. Normally a little too animated, but somebody has to be. They’ll call people pussies who decide to hang in or go on anniversary dinners with their girlfriends instead of drinks with the boys. Besides partying, they don’t provide anything of substance. But they will be the first person to “haha” one of your jokes.
The empath is the moral compass of the group. They get you to participate in things that you don’t want to do but probably should be doing. They’re the one who asks the guy who’s moving if he needs US to help, essentially volunteering the entire chat. The empath constantly needs to feel like they’re a good person and be recognized for it. They’ll say “Happy Birthday” to someone in the chat instead of texting them individually to make it look like they beat everyone else to being a good friend.
The dark cloud is the opposite of the hype man. They have a problem with every and any plans the group makes. They’re a bit of an outcast. Most of their texts get skipped over or cause radio silence in an otherwise empty chat. They’re the “anything going on tonight?” person who gets no response. If it wasn’t for the empath the dark cloud would probably murder the rest of the chat.
The “haha” slut. Every single thing the slut says in the chat is an attempt at a joke. This varies from group to group and you pray you have a jester that sticks the landing. They’re normally the runner up for “Most Funny” in your high school year book and have been chasing the title ever since.
The sports debater. This guy spends his time searching multiple sports media socials for “build-a-lineups”, rumor mills, and what-if scenarios. They post them in the chat to purposely incite riots. Their take is always the correct one and they’ll decimate your battery defending it. The debater is the one who causes 124 new notifications when you come back to your phone after putting it down for ten minutes.
If you’re not part of a sub-chat, you’re the dark cloud. Sub-chats are made up of your closest friends inside the collective group chat. They’re essential to stay sane. You use sub-chats to talk shit about something someone said or did in the main chat. It isn’t polite to put someone on blast in front of the entire group but gossip is encouraged in the sub-chat.
The rival is the bane of your existence. Every plan you suggest they have an alternative. They’re on every opposite side of each debate you join into. They refuse to “haha” any of your jokes no matter how fire it is. They’re a jealous piece of shit and normally the person you’re closest to in the entire group. Real best friends don’t want to see their friends shine.
Roles don’t have to be mutually exclusive. People can be multiple or none. Like I’m probably both a haha slut and half empath. I feel terrible when someone gets crickets in the chat. But new roles pop up annually as how we communicate advances. Who knows what’ll be next with the Metaverse.
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