During the weekend, my brain looks like that Galfanakis gif with all the numbers flying around. It’s hard to keep track of everything I put out. Spreads, props, and odds from four different sportsbooks are swirling around my head and as I try my best to stay above water. Then the worst person in the world comes along and asks you to place a bet for them.
This person can’t place their own bet for one of the three following reasons.
The most forgiven and acceptable is that they’re out of state. If the air space they find themselves in won’t physically allow them to place a bet, I’ll place it. Begrudgingly, but I’ll do it.
The next is the person who has gone over the limit they’ve set for themself. Don’t put me in that situation. If you have a limit that you’ve clearly gone over you most likely have a problem. If I don’t place it, you think I’m a bad friend. If I do place it, I’m enabling your addiction and definitely a bad friend.
The last person is the worst of all. The guy who needs to hide his bets from his girlfriend/fiancé/wife. She already doesn’t like me, don’t rope me into your squabbles. Either stop gambling or break up with her. Spreads or spouse, pick one.
Let me explain why this is such a shitty thing to do to a gambler. I’ve already spent the last few days researching what I like and what I’m not touching. I’ve set my lineup and I’m content with it. You asking me to place a bet puts me in a pickle.
If I fade the bet you ask me to place and it wins I’m going to be furious. I’ll see the money in the top right corner and be like, “Fucking nice, what hit?” and then sink into my couch when I realize they’re not my winnings. What a depressing venmo to have to send.
So for fear of sending that demoralizing venmo, I rode with you. Despite being spread thin, I’m now forced to place my finances on your brain. If it wins, no harm no foul. But if it loses? I’m gonna freak out. I knew it wasn’t a good bet, that’s why I didn’t have it in my own lineup. Why the fuck did I trust Kyler’s over throwing yards in a parlay against Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey in a playoff game? I’m a fucking Rams fan!
So from here on out I will not be placing other people’s bets unless one of the two conditions are met. You pay a finder’s fee on winnings, or give me enough money to place two identical bets. These are my terms, good day.
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