Joel Embiid Is The Perfect 76er

Joel Embiid uses DX entrances, shirley temple jokes, and tweets at Rihanna to distract everyone from the fact that he’s 7’0”, 280 lbs. with knees like SpongeBob. The only ones he’s fooling is Sixers fans, and boy do they eat it up. 

I’m a “c word”. I was afraid to even admit that really, cause it’s such a devasting deathblow when you’re called a “casual”. Whenever I state my basketball opinion, I feel like that Jon Snow gif going against all the formals. NBA formals’ opinions are gospel, and if you disagree with them, they’ll gladly remind you how stupid you are. But you don’t exactly have to be an analyst to recognize that Sixers fans are contractually obligated to say “Embiid, when healthy” whenever they argue basketball. 

So I said the Sixers will never win anything while Embiid is doing his whole “will I, won’t I” act for his entire career. Big whoop. You would’ve thought I suggested they decapitate the Rocky statue. All I did was imply that Joel can’t stay healthy, a generally accepted fact at this point. Next thing you know, I have a Sixers fan spitting in my face, screaming about Nikola Jokic? How the fuck does that happen?

But despite his wet cardboard knees, Embiid is the perfect hero for Philly. He’s too goofy and lovable to trade and the guy puts asses in seats. And he’s good, I won’t dispute that. But the Sixers can’t get it done with a Ben and Embiid base. The best chance they had was Ben, Joel, and Jimmy Butler and they couldn’t even reach the Eastern Conference Finals.

But who cares about winning when you can constantly claim that you would have won? Embiid is the perfect built in excuse. He’s a flawed, but highly talented entertainer. Jokic wins MVP? Embiid wasn’t healthy. Hawks bounce the Sixers in the second round? Embiid wasn’t healthy. “Can you imagine if he was healthy? Who would’ve covered him on the Nets? Probably would have walked to the Finals.” And just like that, Philly UCFs an NBA Finals even though they’re about to be torched by Trae Young.