Why Do Old People Hate Aliens?

Old people do dumb and annoying things all the time without realizing it. Like answering a groupchat to be polite even though the sender clearly put “Do not respond to this text”. But the dumbest and most frustrating is their disdain for anything alien. My test subject for this opinion is my mom. So, sorry old people but you are all now subject to her opinion. She speaks for all of you. 

When the news dropped that a well respected Israeli space security guard confirmed the existence of aliens and a Galactic Federation it wasn’t a surprise for many of us. The smart ones anyway. When the NY Post picked up the story it was all the ammo us chosen few needed to shove it directly in the face of non-believers. Namely, old people. Which is exactly what I did to my mom. 

When I first told her she laughed and said “Come on you’re old enough now to know aliens don’t exist.” Ok, so maybe I ran with the Santa Claus thing for longer than most, but this is different Mom. So I sat her down and showed her the map of our galaxy, The Milky Way. I explained to her that in our galaxy there is roughly 400 billion planets. Then I showed her that picture from the Hubble Telescope and told her that each one of those little dots are whole galaxies that are just as big, if not bigger than our galaxy. I told her this picture goes on forever and ever and the probability that of all the infinite planets in existence that us having the only intelligent life is pretty much 0. 

My mother, that beautiful soul, stared at me for ten seconds in silence looking like she was going to throw up. After a quick twitch and a smile she said “Did you see the pictures on Facebook of your cousin’s new baby?” 

Not today, you’re going to confront this. 

I held strong in the pocket, bobbing and weaving my way through her feinting questions. I showed her my saved Tik Toks of obvious alien activity, UFOs, etc. Until she finally snapped. “WHY DO YOU WANT THIS SO BAD?!”

Um how the fuck could you not? Mom explained that  she’s afraid that aliens could murder the shit out of everyone including her children and grandbabies, fair I guess. Her other gripe is that it doesn’t bode well on her Catholic faith. 

Ok ok, I can work with this. As far as your faith, Genesis 1:1, literally the first line of the Bible “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Says right there earth wasn’t the only pit stop. As far as the whole our brains being harvested thing goes, the way I see it there’s only two options. Either aliens will invade and kill everyone OR they’re so advanced past the idea of warfare that they just want to invite us into their avant-garde way of thinking and living. Clearly they’d be more advanced than us and maybe they can even fix grandpa’s Alzheimer’s. 

“Oh that’s a nice thought.” 

She wasn’t ready for that. The idea that we’d be better off with aliens. That’s my blueprint so far for convincing old people that we should be welcoming the aliens with open arms. Feel free to use it with your own tweaks and omissions as you see fit for your own old person. Because we need to get everyone on board, figuratively and literally.