My Presidential Platform

Every day there is a new story, a new policy, a new reason to further the divide this country. No matter which news station you subscribe to. One solution is to never watch the news. It works pretty well. But the best and final solution is to put me in the White House. 

I’ve given this a lot of thought. An independent who can fulfill their promises and smash both sides of the isle is exactly what this country needs. And I know just what to promise them. 

My first pledge, free streaming services provided by the US government. All of them. Hulu, HBO, Netflix, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, etc. Government contracts get passed out like tic tacs, I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t install one that invests in the betterment of every day living. Tackle the mental health crisis head on. The stress level of an entire nation would plummet overnight. Crime would rapidly decline. Who in their right mind would watch Ted Lasso and then go out and rob a bank?

My first promise is apreventative measure, but I wouldn’t want you to think I’m not tough on crime. My second move would be to make blowing your nose in restaurants an arrestable offense. Doing it at the dinner table would fall under domestic violence. Enough is enough. My meals are the most peaceful points in my day. I completely decompress while putting my anxieties on hold. Disrupting a cheesy bite of a burrito with a foreign nostril gurgle is nothing short of domestic terrorism. These criminals blantantly disregard humanity and threaten a harmonious coexistence.

Thirdly, I will implement 24 Hour college cafeteria style restaurants in every town and city in America. We will defer to the census to decide the amount of restaurants in each jurisdiction based on population. Two swipes a day for each American. We will hunger no more. Will it be gourmet? No, but we’ll do steaks on special occasions. Do you miss eating a Stromboli, lo mein, and a cheeseburger on one plate? Vote TKJ. 

These promises will be carried out diligently and in a swiftly manner. I will personally make each one of my pledges my number one priority. Unless we have to go to war or something but we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. I would never make an asinine promise I couldn’t keep. Y’know, not like building the Great Wall of America at the southern border or promising to cancel everybody’s student loans. That would be ridiculous.