Friday, June 11, 2021

The Dual-Anniversary Paradox


When did dating anniversaries become a thing? I know my parents didn’t have one. Maybe they’re not the best example, but I don’t know anyone’s parents who celebrate when they became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” But now my friends are getting married. So will they have to do two anniversaries? One married and one dating?

You know what I’m talking about with dating anniversaries right? When you’re scrolling through Instagram and a couple is posting the same pictures of each other. The girl’s caption is like “4 years with my best friend. Thank you for all the laughs, snuggles, inside jokes, and being the best dog dad in the world. I love you to the moon.” And the guy’s caption is like, “4 years with this one.” 

It’s a lot of pressure that anniversary date. You have to dress up and get some fancy dinner. Maybe even buy each other gifts. Another expensive day of doing things. Then what? Once you get married you have an exact replica of that day just on a different part of the calendar? Sounds dreadful. 

It’s not like you can suggest that you only celebrate one anniversary from now on. Imagine that fight? It’s not enough that you got married, you have to keep reminding yourselves that you once dated too. 

Timing would be key here. I’ve always had terrible timing. My last girlfriend and I started dating like a little after midnight on New Years. Which is something I never would have done but she was really really mad at me. Apparently it wasn’t cool of me to call my Mom from outside the bar as the ball dropped. Then staying out there for the next twenty minutes to call my grandparents, dad, brother, sister and nieces only made things worse. It took twenty minutes into a new year for all of her friends to tell me how big of an asshole I am. I tried talking to her but she just kept on crying, and crying, and crying so I made her my girlfriend to make it all go away. Perked right up. Ten minutes later I’m on top of the world, on the dance floor doing the Carlton to a Blues Traveler song. My smile faded slowly into shock as I realized for the rest of this relationship, instead of spending New Year’s Day hungover in my bed, I’m going to have to dress up nice and buy an expensive dinner. If you couldn’t tell from this blog, it didn’t last a year for me to see how it would have played out. 

Learn from my mistakes, think this one through. If you have to celebrate two anniversaries, you have to have your wedding like six months after your dating date. Give the old wallet a break. Plus if it’s too close together you’ll have to explain to the boys you can’t play Warzone that night because it’s your anniversary and one of them will go “Didn’t you just have an anniversary?” Then you’ll get roasted. Men have memories like dogs, if it’s six months apart, they’ll think it’s been a year since your last one.

In fact, I do have a solution. But the stars would have to align. Or you’ll have to wait for them to align. Don’t propose until there’s a year where your dating anniversary is on a Friday or Saturday. Then explain how romantic it would be if you got married on the same date, “It could be our date forever.” But really, you just cut your anniversaries in half. 

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