Monday, June 8, 2020

My Mom's Name Is Karen And I Don't Think She Knows

Blank Starter Pack Meme - Imgflip


Parents want to protect their children from the world. Children want to protect their parents from the internet. My mom's name is Karen and she has no idea what's become of it. My mom is freakishly smart. Like was a very successful woman despite being in a male dominated field. Promotions all the time, winning trips for her sales team, annual awards, you name it. She's smart, but 90% of jokes go right over her head. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to her. 

It doesn't help that my brother and I can basically communicate telepathically. We'll burst out laughing at something we find funny, which is normally something that she said. Sometimes my mom will just commandeer the laugh and join us. When we ask her what she's laughing at, she says "I don't know, I just like laughing". My mom's a fucking saint, she really is. 

My mom has a strangely dark complexion for someone who was born in Scotland. Like all year around. So she isn't glaringly white like most Karens you find on the internet. Plus she doesn't have a racist bone in her body, which I feel like the narrative is swinging towards recently. But that isn't to say she isn't without an occasional Karen tendency. 

One time when we were kids, the Wendy's drive thru decided that they were going to charge us fifty cents per extra sauce we requested. When my mom argued that we've never had to pay that fee, the emo kid at the counter said that was the policy and if we didn't want to pay it we had to leave. Then he closed the window in her face. My siblings and I giggled cause we knew this kid had no idea how bad he just fucked up. My mom started knocking on the window which scared the absolute piss out of emo boy. I thought he was going to hiss at her. I don't want to play into stereotypes, but she kept it up until she got the manager. We got our extra sauces for free. 

That happens though, right? Just a little customer service. That isn't who she normally is. My mom is the woman who befriended the old lady who went to church alone and then got suckered into taking said lady to her doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, and any other errand the old hag could swindle out of her. My mom starts dancing if you sing a song stuck in your head around her. When you stop because she's embarrassing you, she says "Oh no why'd you stop? You have such a beautiful singing voice". My mom, despite my passionate warnings, gives rides to the guy in our town who I'm pretty sure is an Eastern-European slave. I assume his house is pretty mean to him because they make him walk to the grocery store and carry all the bags home, raining or not. I know it's nice but the man doesn't speak and I'm pretty sure he's going to murder her one day. My mom's only comebacks include "sticks and stones" and "I know you are but what am I".  My mom watches the Americans with my brother and I. She cries when the main characters, who are fucking spies, kill a random security guard. That's my mom. 

What I'm trying to say is, I know there's bad Karens out there and I 100% condemn their actions, but not all Karens are bad. And please please please, for the love of God, nobody tell her. 

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