How Do You Move Out?

How do you move out of your parent's house after college? It's been four years and I'm still living in my childhood bedroom. I've done a whole college after college. My stock has plateau'd since receiving my degree. I'm getting spit-roasted by my student loans, over half of my monthly income goes into paying that. You add my phone bill, car insurance, health insurance, and I barely have enough to cover my drinking problem. How do you afford rent? 

Player posters, high school art projects, fake street signs named after sports teams, and eighteen hats held up by thumb tacks line my walls. Oh and a framed Rolling Stone cover with Jessica Simpson on it that I won on the boardwalk. I mean close the fucking yearbook, pal. The worst part is, I'm 6'2" pushing three bills and sleeping in the the same twin bed I've had since I was ten. I literally fought with myself over omitting that truth from this blog. I'm so embarrassed by my bed, that I considered lying about it to a blog that nobody reads. My hand is on the damn floor when I'm sleeping. 

It gets worse. My first girlfriend, who I haven't spoken to in like six years hit me up about a week ago. I've never slept with her. We were 17 when we were dating and I didn't have the charisma to convince her to have sex with me. I still don't.  For whatever reason she's decided to see what we were missing out on from almost 10 years ago. Don't ask me how or why, I have no idea. My ex, my first teenage love, told me she wants to drive from PA to see what I'm working with. Can you comprehend that kind of pressure? 

I don't know what to do. The only thing that's changed since the last time she's been to my house is that my Mom doesn't live here anymore. Quite frankly, bit of a downgrade.... should've been you Dad. Actually, should've been me? Anyway, the first girl that I thought I could have sex with has now given me the green light a decade later. She's driving two hours to get here and the best I have to offer is my twin bed. Not to mention, as if my love-making isn't anti-climatic enough (pun intended), I doubt having the Core Four watching you fuck from your wall is very provocative. Stop looking at me like that Jeter. 

So if anyone has any ideas on how to move out of your house in two weeks, I welcome any and all advice. Don't say the answer is getting a higher paying job. F off, obviously I would if I could.