If you had told me a year ago that I'd be lobbying for the same job as Abella Danger I'd be wildly confused. It's a doggy dog world out here for those of us who are competing for Barstool's attention. So how do I stack up against Miss Danger?
Self-Marketing
In terms of being able to market ourselves to the masses on the internet, Abella has all the visual attributes that females could only dream of. I may have bigger boobies than her, but that's the only box I'd be able to check off. As far as Twitter followers go, Abella has 1.4 Million to my 1 follower. My only follower is Tony Allen, former shooting guard for the Celtics and Grizzlies. So I'd argue quality over quantity, but whatever. Point- Abella
Education
Abella started working right out of high school. Bit of the traditional route, if you would. However, instead of starting my career at 18, I decided to further my education by graduating from The University of Alabama. There is no way Abella is proficient in Microsoft Excel. Point- TKJ
Life Experience
I do have the argument that I'm almost four years older than Abella and thus have technically have been alive more. But there's no denying that she's lived more life. I mean partying on that boat with Roquan Smith probably beats most of my stories combined. Although I did go to New Orleans on Halloween during college. Point- Abella
Work Experience
As far as I can find, Abella has only had one job. Come on dude, get out there and contribute to society. I however, have lived many lives in the work force. I've been a bartender at a tiki bar, a backstage security guard at PNC Arts Center, a truck driver in Newark, a bouncer at a Tuscaloosa night club, and a Class II Police Officer. Point- TKJ
Accolades
Abella has won Best New Starlet, Hottest Newcomer, Best Scene (x2), Best Butt, and Best Double Penetration. Pretty impressive, I admit. But in the eighth grade I won Most Funny in my yearbook. I didn't stop there either. In high school I campaigned for Most Musical because I thought it would be funny since I couldn't sing, couldn't play an instrument, and was never in a school play. I won in a landslide. But all I had to show for it was another after school detention when the actual musical kid complained to the administration about my stolen valor. I did feel bad, I hadn't considered that. Ughh Point- Abella.
Blogs Written
I don't know if you've heard, Abella, but Barstool is first and foremost a blogging site. I have never seen Abella write a single blog. Not one. I on the other hand, have written 96 blogs since March while working minimum 40 hours a week in a full out pandemic. Sorry Abella, Point- TKJ
Video Making
Abella has 938 scenes credited scenes according to the IAFD website, according to Wikipedia. I've seen her work, there is no doubt she's talented. I'm no spring chicken either though. I created an Alabama hype video that was posted to the Barstool Bama Twitter that received a whopping 142 Retweets and 558 Likes. The video was then posted to Clint Lamb's account, editor of RollTideWire with USA Today, who said "This is the most hyped Alabama video I've seen in awhile *flame emoji*". My video gained another 217 Retweets and 649 Likes under his account. Pretty spectacular if you ask me. Point- DRAW
Let's tally up the final score here, looks like TKJ vs. Abella Danger ends in 3-3-1 Tie. Wow, lucky Barstool. Looks like they're just going to have to hire the both of us.
....Please.
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