First and foremost, I'd like to acknowledge the fallen heroes who sacrificed their lives for us to continue living our own. I don't like throwing the h-word around but that's exactly who we are memorializing today, heroes. American badasses. Not to completely flip the script here, but I'm going to talk about drinking, partying, and listening to music too loud because that's the American way.
I am done with the obnoxious bar scene. I'm 27 now, so it's kind of been a long time coming. That means no more Bar A, no Parker House, no Osprey, no Leggetts, and certainly no D'Jais. If you aren't from the tri-state area, these are know as the Jersey shore town bars. Not like that Jersey Shore, but not unlike it either.
If you haven't been to one of these bars I'll try to explain to you what it's like. You wait in a line for about forty minutes which is starting to kill your pre-game buzz. You've had to pee since five minutes before you even got in the line. You begin to weigh in your head if it's worth it to pay a peeing in public fine over possibly pissing down your pants. Sometimes when you get to the front of the line, if they don't like the way you look they'll trip up your license on a technicality and won't let you in unless you have 7 other forms of ID. If you're lucky enough to get past security you have to pay ten to twenty dollars to get in.
Once you're in, you have to do your best Moses impression to part the sea of belligerent 21 year olds to get to your predetermined spot with your friends. If you didn't choose a spot before you got in, you're going to get separated from the group and spend the rest of the night looking for each other. If you're a big guy like myself, throw comfort out the window. People are going to be shouldering you all night to get around you while sweat spots start to form through your shirt.
The drinks are over priced. It isn't that the service is slow, but there's just so many people that it takes twenty minutes every time you need to get another round. So you order too many drinks at once and start feeling it too early in the night. Now you're in the middle of a high school reunion that you otherwise wouldn't RSVP to. You say a silent prayer that one of your buddies doesn't try to fight the guy who used to sleep with his girlfriend, or his ex's current boyfriend. Either one is possible. You start talking to a kid that you weren't friends with and haven't seen in four years. He tells you about his pyramid scheme he's in where he sells cable. He dresses it up as his company that he started called Atlas. You get out of the conversation by saying you need to pee.
The estimated bathroom line is thirty five minutes and you already feel like your bladder is going to rupture. You stand in line with a stranger who tries to small talk you about literally nothing. Powerless, you watch as girls use sex appeal to cut the men's line and use our restroom. You're not happy about it either but small talk guy goes way over the top and starts calling them c-words to you, while you look around and hope nobody thinks your with him. If you're a large bearded fellow like I was, find the scrawniest looking dude at the head of the line and tell him you bounce at the bar and tonight's your night off. 9/10 times he'll let you cut him, that one's for free.
After climbing out of the zombie pit, you find your friends again and there's another shot waiting for you. You guys decide you're sick of talking to the same girls you've seen every weekend since 2008 and go on the prowl. Almost immediately you're belittled by a hot group of girls who have a lot more money than you and ditch you to go back to their VIP section. Amongst yourselves somebody suggests that they were probably lesbians and you order more shots to nurse your pride. Someone almost knocks you over on the way to the bar.
You wake up on a couch you don't recognize. Your voice is gone from screaming over house music all night. That and probably the pack of cigarettes that mysteriously wound up in your pocket. The first familiar face you see gives you a cheeky smile and asks you how you're feeling. You wipe last night out of your eyes while your friends tell you that you're the one who got everyone kicked out for starting a fight with your girlfriend's ex.
Or something like that.
This year I worked Saturday, but met my buddies late for a couple of drinks to celebrate our friend's return from Marine training. Yesterday I went to my other friend's BBQ. While they got hammered, I baby sipped a couple of High Noons and watched golf. I stopped after my third drink because I knew I had to put in my grandparents AC units today (Monday) with my little brother. I went home at nine when my friends went to another BBQ. I woke up to my brother staggering into the house at nine in the morning. He told me to wake him when I go to my grandparents house. I went to Target to buy my dad a birthday gift from the both of us. He's 62 today, the old fuck. At 3:30 I tried to wake my brother and got banshee screamed at. I did my grandparent's AC by myself and damn near threw my back out. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do for my dad's birthday dinner. My brother is still asleep. I can't wait for him to be fucked by the responsibility monster.
This was the perfect end to my MDW run. Normally this would be our first weekend in our Squan house. The lines this year would have been quadruple the size with social distancing and all. You know that employee that has spent too many years at a company? They don't want to fire them so they start hinting that they retire before someone has to make a decision they don't want to make. That was God or the Universe or whatever with me this Memorial Day Weekend. I was forced into summer bar retirement, it feels shockingly refreshing.
P.S. Drastic changes for Jersey men is very in right now. My timing as always, is impeccable. Look at this picture I just found of DJ Pauly D.
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