Tuesday, April 14, 2020

I Switched Up My Porn & Tried Cam Girls

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This is uncomfortable. The number one reason guys have a lock on their phone is because they don't want you to know what kind of porn they're watching. Number two reason is they're probably cheating on you. I was getting sick of porn. A sentence I never thought I'd write. I don't have a girlfriend to go to couples' therapy with to learn how to get the excitement back. So I decided to spice things up in my porn life. I tried cam girls. 

After the decision was made, I don't want to say I was excited cause that's gross, but I felt like a teenager again about to watch porn for the first time. I don't think it's illegal, but it sure felt like it. I was taken down a peg though when I put in my card information. The second I hit 'Confirm Payment' I could feel my identity getting stolen. Well deserved. I got over that quickly enough when I realized the stakes were that much higher.  

If you don't know what cam girls are then you probably have a premium porn subscription with no ads. Essentially you pay to tell a girl, or couples what you want to see in your porn and they do it. The more extravagant and weird your request is, the more 'tokens' it will cost you. It's the "choose your own adventure" of porn if you will. 

Every guy has to make the decision of finding that sweet spot in the porn their watching for their big finale. Sometimes it happens organically. Sometimes you appreciate a scene after you've gone through the entirety of the video and have to rewind. I figured this cuts out the middle man and puts me right in the sweet spot. 

Since we're in the trust tree, no judgement quarantine zone, I said cam girls but I went to the 'Couples' tab. A girl going crazy on a vibrator just doesn't really do it for me. I clicked on my first 'room' and immediately realized I was out of my league. Dudes were paying these couples 100 tokens for handjobs... I didn't have the capital for that. I had a hundred total to work with. 

There were thousands of horny guys in these rooms all fighting for the attention of the artists. Idiots. I went to the last page and decided not to enter unless there was 19 viewers or less. I owned that market. I was able to haggle down prices over fifty percent because they were just surprised someone with money was in their room.  

When I finally pulled the trigger and paid for something I felt like screaming "Action!". I commenced, sorry, after about 35 seconds. But the couple, the professionals they are, just kept going. I was stuck. I had created this porn baby and I was not ready for that kind of responsibility. I wanted to leave but wasn't sure if they would be notified that I left. How terrible would that be. They were performing for me! I just had to lay there nodding at the screen like "good job", while my willy got smaller one wrinkle at a time. When they finished up they started having a conversation, which is something you just don't see in porn. Hit me like a brick wall. I wanted to tell them I was sorry, that I forgot they were actual people for a second. I was drowning in shame. 

In the end, all I did was pay for porn. Like a chump. I paid for something I could have just entered into the PornHub search bar. I regret what I did, but I'll tell you what. It made me appreciate what was right in front of my face the whole time, free porn. Now excuse me, I have to go apply for a new debit card. 

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