Would I Be A Deadbeat Dad?

For years I hated deadbeat fathers. We're groomed to. Remember that asshole from Angels In The Outfield who still didn't come back to Joseph Gordon-Levitt after the Angels won the Pennant? I vowed never to become that man. But, as I come into my child wielding years, I wonder how hard it would be to keep that promise. 

I don't have any statistics on this, but I imagine most absent dads are pretty young. Picture having a one night stand in your mid twenties and then boom you have a screaming child. I'm all for her choice, but he's got options too. Are most deadbeat fathers just guys who decided to live out their twenties instead? Poopy diapers vs a twenty-something year old's nightlife isn't much of a fair fight. I'm not saying I agree, but I can see the reasoning.

It occurred to me the other night that I wouldn't stay with any girl I've had sex with. Not a single one. It's not a long list, but not a promising one either. I'm not saying I'd be absent if she followed through, but get down on one knee? No way. I don't like myself very much, and I tend to sleep with people who share that opinion. So what am I supposed to do? The right thing? Force a proposal and subject the both of us to a lifetime of hating each other? That's the right thing? That isn't fair to anyone, most of all the child. Then again, Angels In The Outfield... 

The women I've been with clearly aren't the best decision makers. They probably shouldn't be trusted with a child and neither should I. What would I do if we drew the dreaded double red line? If push came to shove, I'd probably pop the question because I don't have a backbone. I'd put my life of picking up babes on my motorcycle behind me and yield to the ideals of public opinion. Now the balls in her court, I did the right thing. Best case scenario she says no and I get every other weekend. 

My Car Is At 20% Oil And There's Nothing I Can Do About It

I don't know dick about cars. Gas and break is the full extent of my automobile knowledge. If you're one of those guys who can fix cars, a job well done from me on the copious amounts of sex you must be having. It's not just cars for me either. It's fixing anything that's considered "manly". Carpentry, electrical work, landscaping, plumbing, shit like that, none of it. Now my car is blinking that the oil is at 20% and it's just going to have to deal with it. It was dealt a shitty owner, nothing I can do about that. 

I think you can just add oil to it? But I don't know what kind of oil or where to put it. I think if you put oil in the wrong part of a car it just explodes. That's how they got De Niro in Casino. I looked it up and it says you should change your oil every 3,000 miles? You fucking wish, pal. I recognize a scam when I see one. I got this Honda as a hand-me-down in December '18 and haven't touched the oil once. Everything works just fine. At the moment. 

Do I have the option of getting an oil change? Sort of. I can't go to like a Pep Boys because I wake up and have an hour before going in to work. Everything's closed by the time I clock out so that's fucked. I do have this mechanic who's a friend of the family who would do it for next to nothing, at any hour. The only problem is he's also the mechanic for my job. 

This mechanic is a man's man. Dirty hands and dirty jokes. The other day we were shooting the shit and making inappropriate jokes when all of a sudden he got real serious. I was in his shop picking up a work vehicle and he goes, "Seriously though that car was just about out of oil. Whatever fucking idiot was driving it, tell the boss that he needs to check his oil. Could have lost the engine." I fucking ripped the guy he was talking about. Then the mechanic started making car jokes and I just laughed hysterically. Didn't understand a fucking word he was talking about. In fact, I don't even know if he was making jokes, but I laughed anyway. Behind my faux guffawing, I was just imagining all the mean shit he would say to my dad and co-workers about my lack of car maintenance.

So no Pep Boys. No family/work mechanic because I'll get publicly dragged for my incompetence. I'm just going to have to ride this one out. Quite literally. I only drive to work, which is about half a mile from my house. Every day during during my commute I'm just sitting there waiting for my engine to seize. C'est la vie. 

Future Cancel For America

If it isn't clear, it's Tar Heels. They're future canceled, UNC is fucked. I don't know why more people don't question the team name down in Chapel Hill. It's such a stupid name that we've accepted it's only possible definition as: a collegiate basketball team. But those dirty footed rednecks aren't telling the whole truth. 

The Confederacy used to refer to their North Carolina soldiers as Tar Heels. Like the slave owning Confederacy just in case there's any confusion. Tar Heels were proud that their heels stuck in to the frontline while other "oily" states would slip to the back of the fight. Like super cancel worthy. Robert E. Lee has literally been quoted saying "God Bless the Tar Heel boys". What's the hold up here?

I don't know what you do on Sundays, but 6.1 million people have gathered to listen to the story of Michael Jordan. Ever heard of him? He was a Tar Heel. Yuck. Jordan's Air Jordan brand has turned him into a $2.1 BILLION dollar man. Who does Air Jordan sponsor?


Bad visual now that you know what it means.  I doubt Jordan would ever let anything be done about it while he's still breathing though. He makes too much money selling Tar Heel merchandise. Is this what a conspiracy theory is? I've never done one.

Don't let those Carolinians feed you that they're known as the tar state either. Or that "Tar Heels" just means that they're hard workers from dirtying their feet. UNC Tar Heels literally translates to UNC Confederate Soldiers. I don't care if you pretend that it meant something before. Confederate used to mean "joined by an agreement". Who the fuck uses it like that ever? Once something becomes associated with the Civil War, then that's what it means forever.

Look, I don't really like the whole cancel culture. Hate it actually. But then I remembered I don't actually care about things unless it directly affects me. Which this doesn't. Only North Carolina, and they kill more people than any other state because of like cigarettes and stuff. So fuck em. Go Blue Devils.

Do You Poop Or Pee Out Ice Cream?

This has been bothering me all day. How does your body rid itself of the ice cream you consume? Do you poop it out or pee it out? My brain is rattled from this. I asked a few of my friends and got mixed results. 

My one friend is a new father and he says poop because "babies shit a ton and they're just getting cream basically". Makes sense because you "eat" ice cream and shit out things you eat. My other friend is an asshole and said pee because something about vitamins and salt. He kind of ruined it with his science. 

I'm in the school of peeing ice cream. When it goes into your mouth it turns into liquid so I think it adds up. Isn't pee just the liquids in your body trying to get out? I'm going to have to start sniffing my pee and see if I get a whiff of Rocky Road. Does that mean that I drink my ice cream? Like I wasn't disgusted with myself enough, I've come to the realization that I drink ice cream. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep until this is all sorted out. 

The Most Impressive Feats Involving 100

I don't know what it is about 100 that makes it such a fan favorite in the number category. There's something massive and complete about it. 100 has become synonymous with something good. We post "100" emojis on things we agree on or just things we generally like. Some people even say things like keep it one hunnit. Here is a list of some pretty impressive feats featuring 100.

• The one everybody thinks of off the top of their head is Wilt Chamberlain. In 1962, Wilt set the NBA single-game scoring record with 100 points against the NY Knickerbockers. 
• In 2019, Australian Jenny Doan hula hooped for 100 straight hours in Chicago to raise awareness for mental health. 
• In 2010, Red's pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a record game vs the Padres. Chapman pitched 25 pitches in 1.1 innings, and all 25 fastballs were over 100 mph.
• On January 6th, 2019 Saudi Arabia hosted the largest hot air balloon show with 100 hot air balloons. 
• In 2009, Usain Bolt set the men's world record for the 100 meter race, completing it in 9.58 seconds.
• In 2020, Croatian student Boris Milosic set the record for walking 100 meters underwater, smashing the previous record of 78 meters.
• In late March 2020, Britney Spears set the women's world record for the 100 meter race, completing it in 5.97 seconds.  
• On May 15th, 2016, noted Canadian Meteorologist Frankie MacDonald ate 100 hot dogs in under 2 minutes. He even filmed it, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyT0fMcZUDE

So there you have it, monumental milestones at 100. Oh would you look at that, this is my hundredth blog. Wow didn't even realize that.  

At What Point Does Following Your Dream Become Irresponsible?

Following your dreams isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's equally terrifying as it is exciting. But as human beings, we love being terrified. We built rollercoasters for Christ's sake. The only thrill from a rollercoaster is the uncertainty of making it out alive. That's why I always preferred the word delirium when referring to the pursuit of dreams. Delirium recognizes the fear in your bliss. At what point does your delirious picture of a perfect life become dangerous? 

Since I was about thirteen I knew I'd probably become a cop. It happened, sort of. I'm a Class II police officer. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it means I'm a part time cop. I'm scheduled for 30 hours a week but it normally winds up closer to 40. I carry a firearm, I drive my own car, I make my own traffic stops, I answer my own calls. You wouldn't know I was part time unless I told you. What's the difference between me and a full time cop? They make a lot more money and I don't get benefits. But I like it. It's what I majored in. I'm amongst people all day which I enjoy and no two days are ever the exact same. I really like it. 

Since I was about nine I knew I wanted to be a sports writer. Most kids said they wanted to be in the NFL or the MLB, I just said I wanted to tell stories. I used to ask my dad who we were rooting for in each game highlight on SportsCenter and then explain what was going on to my little brother. I know it's cheesy and sounds like a made up story but piss off, it isn't. As I got older, my fantasies of sports writer was shortened to just writer. It was like dropping the "the" in The Facebook. When I was in college, I used to write for fun and then Google famous author agents. I'd think up fake letters that I would never send to convince them to take me on as a client. It was the imagining that I enjoyed, I never tried to do anything about it. 

Since March, I've written 54 blogs. The imagining is back and it's such a rush. I write whatever I find funny and then I pretend that this is what I do for a living. But it isn't. I think chasing your dream is like imagining marrying your dream girl. Sure, it would be amazing to date a movie star but she has no idea who you are. Then there's that hometown girl that your parents want you to marry. You might already see how your whole life plays out, but you could still make a traditionally happy life for yourself. At some point you have to realize that Natalie Portman isn't walking through that door. Plus she's married anyway. 

What I'm trying to convey through a very poor analogy is that I believe it's important to chase your dream, but to have a fallback plan that gives you the chance at ordinary happiness. Really try though. Like cancel plans with your friends over it, go to sleep late and wake up early because of it. Then you can at least say you exhausted all options before finding a conventional career. I really like my job, I don't know if I love it, but I think that's more than most people can say. 

I have the same name as my father. I have the same job as he had for 32 years. I'm a cop in the town that I grew up in, the town he grew up in. If I stay this course, I already know my entire life and it turns out pretty good. But I crave the uncertainty. A full time police job is opening up in my town soon and even writing this can jeopardize my chances at the position. Of course I'm afraid that the people who would hire me might find these blogs, it could fuck up my whole future. I have no idea at what point it becomes irresponsible to follow your dreams because I'm probably already past that. If I find out, I'll let you know. I just haven't quite lost my delirium yet.    

My Number One Rule.

DO NOT ruin my stretch. If I'm mid-stretch, don't fuck with me, don't touch me, don't even look at me. I will go hands on. Stretches are little gifts that your body builds up over long periods of time and presents to you at the perfect moment to brighten your day. If you disrupt that, you're an asshole. 

To be clear, I'm not talking about warm-up stretches. That's for the birds. I'm talking about the stretch that makes your legs tremble. The type that makes you do a weird moan yell thing. Yawns count too, they're mouth stretches. 

I have shitty friends. I've said this multiple times. When we were younger and somebody was stretching, you most likely we're getting jumped on. If you yawned, you guaranteed a fish hook. If you don't know what a fish hook is, it's when somebody puts their disgusting finger in your mouth and pulls you by your cheek. I never took part in these shenanigans, I found it to be the most disrespectful thing you could to do to a person. 

My friends learned quick that this was one game I wouldn't partake in. Normally, that wasn't an option. I'm not a guy to easily be disrespected. I take 99.9% of insults on the chin and I volley all pranks. But if you ruin the only couple seconds of pure peace in my day, you'll regret it. It will come to fisticuffs, and it has. 

Every once in awhile someone outside of the normal crew we're with will touch me during a stretch. All my friends gasp and wait to see what I'll do. If I genuinely believe they didn't know my preexisting stance on stretch interruption, they'll be issued one final warning. Not to brag, but I have to explain this concept every time I start seeing a new girl. That's never a fun one, because they always think I'm joking and will without fail fuck around the next time I stretch. They also get one warning. Now, I'm not saying I'd fucking uppercut a girl for neutralizing my stretch, but I will walk out that second and never speak to her again. I'd rather she'd cheat on me. 

Look at that picture up top, looks like Shia LaBeouf's deadbeat cousin or something. I don't know how to wrap this up. I didn't have an underlying message to get across here. I think I just wrote this to get my warning out to more people. Don't fuck with my stretch. 

Do Presidents Use Cell Phones?

I'm sure a quick Google search could answer this but where would be the fun in that? This was one of my half-asleep random questions that popped into my head and I rolled over and threw it in my notes app. I don't know where it came from. I didn't have the TV on and I wasn't on my phone. The question just sort of appeared in my brain. 

Think about it. Have you ever seen a President on their cell phone? Strange to picture Trump as a desktop Tweeter. I guess people are always snapping pictures of them and it wouldn't be a great look if they were just scrolling and walking. It just seems weird that the person elected to represent us is left without the one tool that we all use to represent ourselves. 

I'm not an idiot, I understand the Presidential Cell Phone could create a blind spot for a security breach. That's what happened to Hilary's emails, right? Even scarier than Trump's emails being leaked would be his porn history. I'm sure that would leave a black eye on ol Lady Liberty. I hope Trump only searches porn parodies of himself. Is that a thing? It is. I just typed "Trump" into Pornhub and my goodness. I take it back.  

I hope there is a secret Air Phone One. A phone the President only uses to text his wife and ask her what she wants for takeout or some stupid shit. I doubt that's the case though. There's probably somebody in the Secret Service who's only job is to take the President's calls. That has to be a let down. Training your whole life as a badass, ready to take a bullet for the President of the United States if need be, and wind up a glorified secretary like "Mr. President, Baron's on the line he says he wants you to cancel school for the rest of the year." 

I don't know if I can live without my phone at this point. Especially knowing that these recent Presidents had a life of cell phones before entering office. How could you just give that up? If that's the price, I wouldn't pay it. I'm sure you've been wondering why I'm not the most powerful man in the free world, it's because I think I can't bring my iPhone with me. 

My Westworld-Esque Amusement Parks For The Future

I am on board for the Westworld train. I haven't been this involved in weekly discussions in between episodes since Game of Thrones went to shit. By involved I mean I just go on reddit and read theories and threads. It's hard for me to watch futuristic shows because I get extremely jealous. I won't be there for the future and it looks way better than our shitty world. So if this blog is ever uncovered in a time capsule or something, here are my suggestions for amusement parks. 

Honorable Mentions:

Thronesworld- Would a Game Of Thrones world be sweet? Tough to say after they didn't stick the landing. As far as accommodations would go, everywhere would stink. I mean literally, they used to poop everywhere and not brush their teeth. Would it be fun to kill some of the characters you didn't like? Sure. Saving characters you love would be awesome too. Like giving Ned a heads up or helping Robb reach King's Landing. Damn, I'm starting to talk myself into this making the list. But I'm sticking to my guns. There would be too many perverts. The worst would be the amount of people "ironically" using this as their wedding venue thinking they're funny.

Marvelworld- DC can piss off, they've been getting their balls kicked in since Christopher Nolan left. You might think that a superhero park would be sweet but the logistics of it wouldn't work. Westworld is possible because you're still a human after all. They can't change the guests, only the world they enter. It isn't possible to just make you into a superhero. You can't all of a sudden fly, or shoot webs and climb buildings. Opening a Marvelworld would only give you a front row ticket to a superhero comic. Still cool, but not good enough to make the list. 

Starworld- Star Wars World is just too marble mouth so I shortened it. Much like my superhero argument, not being able to use the force would just be too frustrating. Imagine hunting down Darth Vader in the park only to try and kill him without the force? You'd get force choked straight to hell. The visuals would be gorgeous, the lightsaber fights would be dope, and the nostalgia would be sweet, but I wouldn't be able to get over the lack of midi-chlorians. 

6. Jurassicworld

It's one word as to not get confused with the movie. Jurassicworld would bring Jurassic Park to life with the guarantee of surviving. The first day you arrive, the dinosaurs should be only observed like the original park intended. During your stay, all hell breaks loose and you have to figure out the best strategy to protect yourself. I never got into hunting, but if you're into that sort of thing, this would be your chance to take down a T-Rex. 

5. Adamsworld

No not like an Adam Sandlers world, that would be silly. Although....well nevermind. Adamsworld as in Douglas Adams, the British satirist who specialized in science fiction. He's been popping up quite a bit during this pandemic for his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy slogan, "Don't Panic". Since I never got in to Star Trek, and I already took Star Wars off the table, Adamsworld is my park for a chance at space exploration. Adams introduces an endless amount of worlds, cultures, and beings in his Hitchhiker's series.  Marvin, the depressed android, would probably be my favorite host in the park. He's always saying shit like, "Why should I want to make anything up? Life's bad enough as it is without wanting to invent anymore of it", a real hoot. If you want to wander amongst the stars to fight aliens, flirt with another species, and be accompanied by dark British humor, this is the park for you.

4. WWFworld

You can choose to enter any era you like but I'd imagine the Attitude Era would be the best seller. Chop it up in the ring with the legends of the most electrifying show in sports entertainment. Get People's Elbowed, ride shotgun in Stone Cold's beer truck, face off with your buddies in a TLC match, join DX, or fight for the belt in a Hell In A Cell match. You could even set your fantasy draft orders by where you placed in a Royal Rumble. If the competition isn't your scene, create storylines with Vince. Imagine the night life in this place. Walking into the bar with The Godfather, partying with King and the Divas. 

3. Wizardingworld

Based on the Harry Potter universe. This is my way around the issues I had with superheroes and Star Wars. Getting a wand would be so sick. Depending on your spells knowledge and wand technique, you could have the hosts react based on your magic comprehension. Quidditch, levitation, and shit like that would have to take a back seat. But based on how you use your wand, the world around you could still react. Compete in the Triwizard Tournament, get sorted into a Hogwarts House, play wizard's chess, become an auror (wizard FBI), or join Voldemort if you're a sick fuck. I wouldn't do that, but I'd probably be a Slytherin. The hosts would be made up of witches, wizards, dementors, centaurs, dragons, trolls, giants, hippogriffs, goblins, and a bunch of other crazy shit JK Rowling cooked up. 

2. Pokemonworld 

I had this as my number one but changed it at the last second. Pokemon is the biggest entertainment franchise in the world. It's a 92 billion dollar company. I've dreamt of this since I first entered Professor Oak's lab on my Gameboy. Becoming a Pokemon trainer, completing your Pokedex, and collecting gym badges would become the most competitive sport in the world. It would give you the perspective on a world that a screen can't deliver. Picture going for your first badge and battling a 30 ft Onix. And Legendary Pokemon? Limit them to one each just like in their world. If you catch one you're instantly famous. You'd have to worry about billionaires collecting all the legendary birds, sure. But that was basically the plot for Pokemon 2000 and Ash made that dude his little bitch boy.

1. 90'sworld

I'm aware you could do this with every decade, but this is my list so fuck you. Creating this world would possibly become like a drug. That's a risk I'm willing to take. The variations to the hosts are endless. I'm just going to rattle a bunch of ideas off in one sentence. Become best friends with The Fresh Prince, ladies take your shot at Zack Morris or Slater, guys take your chance at Kelly Kapowski, spend Halloween in the Goosebumps, celebrate Christmas making booby traps with Kevin McAllister, play baseball with the Sandlot crew, go bowling with the Big Lebowski, party at the Playboy Mansion, join Fight Club (just don't talk about it), jam out with Wayne's World, go shopping with the Clueless cast, play in a Nickelodeon gameshow, or help Lloyd and Harry hunt down Mary Swanson. Eat 3D Doritos and wash it down with Squeeze-Its or an Ecto Cooler Hi-C. If you have an itch for violence, like these parks tend to bring out in people, murder the Columbine shooters, Timothy McVeigh, or Michael Jackson. The hosts won't know why you're killing them and you could live life on the run. There are too many possibilities for this not to be number one. The 90's were the peak of human history, just ask the machines from The Matrix. 

Well, that's all folks. I'm sure I'll think of more worlds once I publish this but that's just the way it goes. What parks would you like to see created? 

I Was Tested For Covid-19

I always figured that I would spend eternity as another statistic. My money was on heart attack. When I was told to come in for covid testing I couldn't help but laugh. I get gassed if I go upstairs to my room too fast. I wouldn't stand a chance in hell if I caught this virus.

Due to the nature of my job, I came into close contact with a gentleman that later was confirmed to have coronavirus. Couple of days later, I had the hot shits, one vomit (weird, I know), a cough, and a slight fever. I figured it was the repercussions of being my father's guinea pig while he figures out how to cook. When my day off was up, I called my doctor and let him know what was going on. I didn't think I had it. My plan was to get him to verbally sign off on me going back to work. I figured if I was questioned about coming in when I didn't feel well I could say, "My doctor said it was cool". He didn't say it was cool. He told me to come in within the hour to get tested. 

I was instructed to park in the fire zone and wait for the doctor when I arrived. Apparently arson isn't of much concern during this pandemic. My doctor came out geared the fuck up. I was pretty jacked for him, he looked diesel. I like my doctor, he's kind of dick. I think he negs me to get healthy? It hasn't worked but I truly appreciate the unprofessional humor. I informed my doctor that I had a bloody nose this morning and that I didn't know if that would screw up his testing method. I had seen the nasal tests on Twitter that looked like Tarantino torture scenes. He told me he was orally testing me, what a relief. That Q-Tip went farther back than I thought possible and overstayed it's welcome by about ten seconds. I gagged like a dirty w word. Doc told me he'd call me in a day or two and left me in my car teary eyes. They never call. 

Did I write a blog titled "Getting Coronavirus Would Be Pretty Dope" on March 10th? Might've. In my defense, my argument behind it was that I could be locked in a room and just bet sports the whole time. Ah to be young and naive again. I kept up the whole making jokes about it after I was tested. I was pretty confident I didn't have it, and then I watched the news. 

If there is one thing you take away from this blog make sure it's this: Do not watch the news if you think there's any chance you've caught the virus. As ESPN has so kindly reminded us these last two days, death sells. Every statistic, every heartbreaking account, every second of the news terrifies a potential patient. The story that kicked me right in the heart balls was about a nurse who had agreed to let a wife FaceTime her comatose husband. By the time the nurse had gotten to the room the patient had died from covid complications and had to call the wife back to deliver the news. When the wife found out, she asked if she could still FaceTime her husband to say goodbye. Fuuuuuuuck. After that I started to sweat this thing. 

I'm sorry to all the families going through tragedy from this mess. Really, I am. But it won't be my family, not yet anyway. My results came back negative and I was back to work two days after being tested. Truth be told, it went to my head. I took a piss after I found out I didn't have it and didn't even was my hands. I couldn't infect anybody, so I let my hair down a bit. I'm back now though. I got a breath of freedom but I've returned to masks, sweaty gloves, and over-washing my hands. They had us in the first half I'm not gonna lie, but turns out I'm healthy as an ox. Cardiac arrest back on top at -110. 

Man, Fuck Earth Day

The title is pretty aggressive so I want to clarify something, I don't hate Earth. I just hate it's day. Earth Day used to be cool when it was just kids picking up trash and planting trees. Now it's a day spent with flooding my Twitter feed with articles yelling at me for things I don't even know I'm doing wrong. 

I'm a good recycler for the most part. I'm not great. Sometimes that tin togo container throws me off. I don't know where that or it's plastic cover goes. But like cans and glass I have on lock. I hate littering. I've been made fun of because I wouldn't let my dirtbag friends throw trash out of my car window. I'm rooting for Earth, it's easily my favorite planet. My thing is, actual scientists who study this stuff have been trying to stop global warming for decades. What the fuck do you think I can bring to the table? If you want change I can't help you, it needs to come from up top. 

If there's Girl Scout cookies in the house I'm going to eat them. I know I'm overweight but that's what I do, cause it's there. That's how I feel about saving the world from global warming. Pretty sure people said cows aren't helping because we're overbreeding them for food. Something about their farts. Ok, well, you haven't taken burgers off the menu so I'm still going to order the Angry Whopper when it comes back. Planes are putting bad things in the sky? Stop offering me travel packages then, and it's not like you'd rather I'd drive there. Cars are bad right? You still sold me a car. I can't not drive. Is this what Elon Musk is pretending to do? Is he on top of this? When his car becomes more affordable I can pitch in that way. 

Easily the worst is when people ask you, "Well don't you care about your children's children's children's children's children?". No I don't. And stop trying to trick me with that question. You don't care either and I'll prove it. You don't know the name of your great great great grandparents. Why? Because nobody gives a shit about family that far removed. Don't worry they also don't know your name because they don't care about you either. 

Your vacation pictures with the Save the Earth captions aren't liberating. You're spreading thirst, not awareness. So, thank you ladies for the bikini pics from St. Lucia but I'd put more energy into saving your globes than our own.

Join The Chinese Cause

I eat way too much Chinese food. If you cut me open I'm pretty sure I just bleed general tso's at this point. I'm working on it. Whether it's consensual or not at the moment isn't of any importance. Yesterday I figured I try to find salvation in some chicken and broccoli with lo mein but was met with damnation. All of the Chinese restaurants within a reasonable distance from my house have been closed until further notice. This has to be racism, and I won't stand for it. 

When this whole thing kicked off, I was cleaning up. The ShopRite in my town has this little Chinese takeout section near their buffet area. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I was buying reheatable combos in bulk at 30% off. The chef would smile at only me every time I walked in. The bread crumbs were there. 

I live about 400 yards from a Chinese takeout restaurant. I measure everything in estimated football metrics. I saw my boy, Bin, stapling flyers to telephone poles advertising that his restaurant is still open for takeout. I think that's how you spell his name? Holy shit is his name Ben?! I've known him for like fifteen years. Well, Bin struck up a conversation with me explaining that his family's restaurant isn't doing too hot. I was heartbroken and apologized but told him it's not like I can order Chinese every single night. He said "You're already pretty close." Touche Ben. Something needs to be done. 

Was China there for us in the beginning of this mess? No, but that doesn't mean we need to take it out on their food. This is my PSA to save your local Chinese joints. I'm aware that technically this whole shebang might have been started by Chinese food, but not really. Have you ever had an Italian sub in Italy, French Fries in France? Have you ever been baked in Alaska? It's just different on our home turf. We've bastardized these menus to fit our grotesque American pallets. We need to save OUR Chinese food. Not China's Chinese food. These small businesses are operated by our people and they deserve our support. Give me your tired, your poor, your delicious ethnic dishes. 

Most Famous Unboxings In History

Throughout human history, people have been fascinated with the contents of boxes. Where did they come from? What's inside them? The possibilities are endless. With an unboxing, a box ceases to be a box, and becomes an opportunity. How many amazing boxes are there that remained unopened? I don't know, but here are the most famous unboxings that we know of. 

8. Se7en 

"WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!" You've probably seen that memed out before. But do you know what was inside the box? It was Brad Pitt's dead pregnant wife's head. Kevin Spacey did it, cause like, no duh. Spacey's a weirdo. 

7. Houdini

Prominent Hungarian magician, Harry Houdini, became famous for putting himself in boxes. In 1912 he had police handcuff him, shackle his ankles, put him in a box and lower it into the East River. When the box resurfaced the only thing inside was Houdini's manacles. He survived that of course. He didn't survive getting punched in the stomach by a frat bro though. 

6. Roddy Rich

In late February 2020, rapper Roddy Rich busted all the bales out the box. He then hit a lick with the box. When all was said and done, Roddy Rich had to put the stick in the box. Astonishing. 

5. King Tut

The two most British names of all time Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon are credited with discovering King Tut. They searched Egypt's Valley of King's for the young pharaoh's final resting place for fifteen years before finally unboxing him in 1922. Excavati- I mean, unboxing revealed the first Egyptian royal to be untouched in nearly 3,000 years. Tut's mummified body was buried with about 150 pieces of gold. His murder autopsy was global news. The unboxer, Lord Carnarvon, died shortly after the sarcophagus was opened. Bet you thought Brendan Fraser was making all that shit up.  

4. Chaz Bono

Chaz Bono is the son of Sonny Bono and Cher. You know, I got you babe, those ones. Chaz, born Chastity Bono, originally identified as a lesbian when first outed by tabloids in the 90's. Between 2008 and 2010 Chastity unboxed and became Chaz. Bono's unboxing got a feature on Entertainment Tonight, Oprah, and it's own Sundance film. Chaz helped destroy the Hollywood taboo and paved the way for the transgender community living in the limelight. 

3. 2001 Anthrax Attacks

Not a happy one, but still very much famous. Sorry I don't make the rules. Anthrax is a gross disease that eats your skin off. This lunatic Bruce Ivins was mailing anthrax to be unboxed in major media and senator's offices. It sent the nation into a frenzy when two people died and seventeen were infected. Ivins would send the anthrax through the mail in white powder form with letters that said things like "Death to America". He was a microbiologist, vaccinologist, and biodefense researcher for the US Army Research Institute of Infectious Diseases. Ivins was basically evil Fauci. He's dead now though. Overdosed when he felt the heat coming on. 

2. Dave Portnoy

During the 2020 Covid Pandemic, millionaire founder of Barstool Sports, Dave Portnoy, started doing his beloved pizza reviews from home. In a big oopsie, his home address was leaked during one of his videos. Portnoy could've been murdered. Instead, he was boxed to death. Dave was able to convince thousands upon thousands of people to send him free shit. A stroke of genius really. The senders big pay off? Dave unboxes what they send him live. It's hilarious, it's weird, it's dangerous, and it's going to end up charitable since the philanthropist announced he will be donating the items he's received for Coronavirus relief. 

1. Jesus Of Nazareth 

When that big ass rock was rolled away and Jesus' tomb was unboxed, everybody was all "No fucking way". Jesus' unboxing is so famous that people still gather on Sundays 2,000 years later to talk about it like, "You remember that shit Jesus did?". We paint eggs and eat candy because of his unboxing. What year is it? Oh 2020? That's right it's been 2,020 years since the Jesus of Nazareth's unboxing. Iconic. 

  

Is Kim Jong Un Brain Dead?

News is flooding in from the blue check marks that Kim Jong Un is possibly brain dead due to complications from heart surgery. If it's from Covid, China's going to be in a world of shit. That's all the politics I'm going to speak on the situation because I don't know shit. I'm not quite sure what to say here. I don't think T's and P's are appropriate but I don't want to speak out against him either and wind up with acid face. He may look like he has the hair of a Tik Tok boy but this man is up to date on his shitlist. I don't plan on ending up on that list if Kimmy's pulling the ol switcheroo just to see who would talk shit. I've said "shit" so many times that I'm starting to resemble Jim Lahey. 

Besides worrying about the fallout for who would rule North Korea, the two I'm immediately worried for is that surgeon and Dennis Rodman. If the reports are true, that surgeon is the most dead person in the history of dead people. There will be songs written about his execution. Poor Rodman. This was supposed to be a happy time for him with his name back in the limelight for the Jordan documentary. I imagine he won't even be able to enjoy The Last Dance while his best friend is possibly turning into a vegetable. Honest thoughts and prayers to Dennis Rodman and the good doctor. 

Hold your breath folks because the world is about to get even worse with conflict. Or better? I don't know the inner workings of international politics but I have a feeling shit's about to get weird. 

The Perfect First Date

So you've been hitting the dating apps since you've been holed up. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, whatever tickles your fancy. Hopefully, you've tricked the opposite sex into thinking that you're actually interesting. Don't try and play dumb; you lied on your professional resume, I can only imagine what your dating profile looks like. When we break our lockdown chains, how are you going to close the deal? Dinner and a movie just doesn't cut it anymore. She can get fifty matches a day on those apps if she wants. How are you going to stand out? An Escape Room, that's how. Stick with me.

If you've ever been to an Escape Room you know how frustrating things can get trying to figure your way out of the room. Most likely, the first time you went was with someone who has done a room before. Nobody goes into these things without a teammate with some experience, that would just be weird. If you've been in an Escape Room with a group of mixed genders, then you know that one Escape veteran asshole who's better at solving the puzzles than everybody else. All the women want to mate with that guy, it's something primal.

Here's where you enact the plan. You suggest to your date that you go to an Escape Room for your first date. How unique, you cheeky bastard. Little does she know, you did the room last week alone with unlimited hints. You have the blueprint to get you and your damsel out of that damn room. Try and let her solve half of it or at least suggest things until a lightbulb goes off. If you're a good liar, you'll be her hero.

Like I said earlier it's something primal. Alpha even. With all these quarantine and end of the world vibes floating around, she'll think you're a natural protector and problem solver. You aren't of course, and odds are in an actual apocalypse you'd get both of you killed. But hey the world hasn't ended yet, has it?

Things To Get Mad At To Brighten Up Your Day

I like being angry, I can't help that. I'm not in a good mood unless I'm in a bad mood. I don't even know if that makes sense but I'm sticking to it. I think there's other people like me, so I've compiled a couple of things that pissed me off today. I hope there's other people like me? Oh, and I call mental health! Now you can't say "angry white male privilege" after reading this. Nana nana poo poo this is my therapy. Sorry, beat ya to it. 

Positive Instagram Story Person. 

This could be a number of people- pyramid scheme employee, personal trainer, or in my case, girl from college trying to start a life coach company. At least I think that's what she's trying to do. I want to be clear about something. This isn't just a nice person trying to drop a little positivity in your otherwise gloomy world. I'm talking about the people who only post annoyingly chipper tips on how to better your life. It isn't the positivity that bothers me either. It's the fact that they think they're going to get rich or famous off this. Stop lecturing me on how to be the best version of my self. You're unemployed making filtered videos from your parents' basement, worry about your own time management. Don't tell me you started a company either, you can't just declare company. Still, I watch. Just waiting for the day she realizes her dreams aren't going to cut it and posts an Instagram Live worth watching. 

Twitter Accounts Trying To Stay Relevant

We see this with ESPN accounts a lot. That Steve Buscemi GIF with the backwards hat and skateboard really fucked things up for a lot of people. Today's victim is none other than Darren Rovell. Our buddy Darren posted a picture of a Baskin Robbins sign that read NO RELATION TO CAROLE BASKIN, with the caption "Sign Of The Day". It wasn't even his joke, he was just acknowledging it. Still drove me up a wall. There's just something about picturing a business person in a suit trying to Tweet something they believe the youngsters will get a kick out of. 

F&R Auto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f8Siw28PGw

If you're too lazy to watch the video, I'll catch you up. A pizza delivery guy gets yelled at for mistaking extra money as his tip. What it sounds like is the pizza was $48 and they gave him $55. With the extra bill in the payment, the driver assumed they didn't want change and mistook the excess money as his tip. Well that wasn't flying with F&R Auto who called the establishment to complain about their delivery. Our protagonist, delivery guy, returns to the auto shop only to be berated by the employees. He basically says fuck your $7 I don't need it, and gives them back their petty cash. The F&R shitheads start threatening his job, one calls his restaurant to tattletale, and a female employee says she's going to shove her foot up his ass. Over seven dollars. This one actually has a happy ending. F&R, the big dumb dumbs, post their footage of the encounter thinking they were going to shame the pizza Robin Hood. F&R got Yelped to death and is now closed. The delivery guy, Jarrid Tinsey, made a shit ton of dough (get it?) from a GoFundMe somebody set up for him. He was flooded in $7 donations.    

See, I feel a lot better now. So much so that I'll even say something nice. I'm rooting for Positive Instagram Girl. I can relate to chasing your dream while only getting your message across to a handful of of people. We may be contrary forces but we're both fighting for the same prize. In a weird way, her post worked. She was my initial motivation for this blog. 

Do You Know What Would Be A Baller Move?

People are being furloughed left and right. The country is in a panic, and rightfully so. The companies that the people have put their heart and soul into have abandoned them in their hour of need. The working class has lost all trust in the executives of the world. Do you know what would cement a company as the public's beacon of hope? Hiring someone right now. 

Whoever hires right now is just a straight up baller. While the rest of the competition is trembling, you're making moves and betting on your future. It'd be a declaration that you aren't going anywhere. Last night I saw a Domino's commercial detailing how they're doing their part in creating jobs by hiring during the Covid pandemic. Do you know who's still doing alright? Domino's. Do you know what I ordered for dinner last night? Domino's. 

Now that I think of it, what would be a better hire than one of the people working on the frontline right now? What a heartwarming story. I could see the headlines now "Sports Company Makes The Dreams Come True For One Lucky Frontliner". Said frontliner could probably even swing both jobs until all of this is over. Man, that would be some good press, "Sports Blogger Doubles As Local Hero During Our Nation's Crisis". Damn, that would be such a baller move if a company did that. Sleep on it. Slide into the direct messages if anything has been up to par, Carpe DMs.    

My Future First Blog For Barstool?

I feel like I've just transferred into a high school mid senior year. I don't know where to sit, I ate lunch alone, and I'm terrified that everybody will make fun of me if I say the wrong thing. I normally get off on the wrong foot, first impressions aren't my strong suit. Most of my closest friends started out hating me. I'd compare myself to the old adage, that I'm like a finger in your ass. Uncomfortable at first, but you'll learn to love me. 

A little about myself, I have two speeds: angry or apprehensive. Majority of my blogs will have the tone of the aforementioned, along with my opinion on random things I find funny. I was a cop for the last two years, we can get more into this at another time. It's going to be a nightmare now that that's out. The narc jokes are going to be exhausting and I haven't pre-loaded any good comebacks yet. I think I'll just have to buy a bunch of weed and offer to smoke with every co-worker I come across. My father is going to be so ashamed. He was a DARE teacher for 20+ and my very first blog I'm suggesting drugs so people will think I'm "cool". Still gonna do it though. I'm not a good weed smoker. I just think about things that freak me out and have to keep reminding myself to smile so people don't realize the conflict going on inside my head. It can't look good  from the outside. So if you're a pothead reading this, some tips on where to get the "haha" weed and not the "who the fuck am I?" weed would be greatly appreciated.

Sports. I love sports. Ya know, now it feels like college syllabus week where you have to introduce yourself with a fun fact and all the guys just say what sports teams they like. I always used to lie during those. What were they going to do, call me out? They don't know me. One time I told the class I was a foreign exchange student from China. I was a 250 pound white dude with a full beard from New Jersey, and they just had to accept that I was Chinese. Getting off track, focus. I'm a Yankees, Alabama football (graduated '16), and Rams fan because underdogs are for losers. I guess I'm a Nets and Devils fan too. But like, whatever with them. 

That's all for now, just a little preview. Who knows, maybe everybody was nice to me today on my first day at Barstool. I wouldn't know, I'm writing this on my Notes App on 4/17/20 at 2:20 in the morning and I have work in a couple of hours. I hope the quarantine is over by the time you're reading this. Well, no nevermind, cause that would mean I'm still pretty far away from being hired then. Actually, nevermind the nevermind, I hope they find a cure tomorrow on 4/18/20 and you're reading this from a lockdown lifted America. It was nice meeting you, I'm TKJ.

I Stan No NBA King

I just finished watching the first two episodes of ESPN's Michael Jordan documentary, The Last Dance. Watching the adoring and crazed MJ fans made me realize that I was robbed of an essential childhood influence. I've never had a favorite NBA player. I spent my whole basketball fandom hating LeBron that I never took the time to love somebody else. 

I'm going to jump around a bit here because apparently explaining things in timelines that are hard to follow is the best way to get your NBA point across. I'm a Nets fan and Billy King ruined the league for me. If you don't know who Billy King is, then you most likely aren't a Nets or Celtics fan. He's the GM that traded three first round picks for a couple years of a declining Paul Pierce and KG. That was his magnum opus but he fucked things up way before then. Billy also traded Portland a first rounder for Gerald Wallace. That pick turned into Damian Lillard. He traded Derrick Favors, Devin Harris and two first rounders to the Jazz for Deron Williams. One of those picks turned into a 3rd overall pick in Enes Kanter. Since the Nets had Brook Lopez already, they probably would've taken Kemba Walker. Those three picks he traded to the Celtics? Turned into James Young, Jaylen Brown, two more first round picks, and Jayson Tatum. It was pretty difficult to pick a favorite player when the franchise you support is actively handing out their chances at a young superstar. Since my joy was stolen, I turned to resent. 

To be fair I hated LeBron before those trades and it isn't completely his fault. My best friend's favorite team is Bron. He follows him everywhere he goes because he loves him. Ironically enough, everybody loves my best friend, except me. I hate him. I'm going to call him E because I'm saying "best friend" too much and it's bothering me. People think E is a jolly, harmless old chap who just wants to have a good time, but I know better. He nukes drinking gatherings with NBA rhetoric. E isn't your casual merch wearing LeBron stan who doesn't understand the game. E's a swagless accountant and he's been a swagless accountant since we were 7. His arguments for LeBron are well thought out, thought provoking, and above all else, nauseating. Because of E, I have turned my back on my generation and refused to bend the knee to LeBron. 

As for Michael, I'd like to call him the greatest but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's fraudulent. What I remember of Jordan is Space Jam and his return to the Wizards. I was born in 1993. I was five when Jordan won his final ring. Which is why it bothers me when people my age throw parades for him. If you're from Chicago you get a pass, I guess. If you aren't, stop pretending like you're a "historian" of the game. You're full of shit is what you are. Pretend you watch the ESPN Classics all you want, nobody believes you. 

If you enjoy screaming LeBron over Jordan because you're basically saying our generation is greater than everybody else's, that's cool. I get it. For me personally, it just isn't possible. I don't have a player that I can crown and worship. All I have is hate in my heart, and it turns out that's entertaining enough for me. 

Help Women Masturbate Today

Enough is enough! It's time we men, let women masturbate! Aren't you sick and tired of hearing men telling females to quit cranking it?! For too long us oppressors have steadied the hands of our human counterparts. No more. Today, the charge is being led by the good people of Lovense. 

This morning #LovenseOrgy was trending on Twitter, I bit. Lovense, from what I gather, is a remote control vibrator. Yup, that's exactly what it is. I just checked their Twitter and two days ago they posted a video of a guy controlling his girlfriend's(?) twat tickler from his phone while in public. Today is their #LovenseOrgy, where they are capitalizing on our valiant movement in women's masturbation. No such thing as bad press I suppose. As we speak, thousands of women are being masturbated around their world. According to their Twitter 10 hours ago, 3k people are already being controlled remotely! Wow, keep fighting the good fight! 

How can you help you say? Apparently download the Lovense app and help a woman masturbate. This your chance to prove to a woman "Hey I think you guys can jerk off too. It's totally cool and definitely doesn't make me weird or uncomfortable". Death to the patriarchy! It is THEIR body and THEIR choice and today they are choosing us to choose when something vibrates inside their vahunas. Let's check in on the revolution!

Fuck.

I Changed My Tinder Location To Tel Aviv

The picture is of Tel Aviv. I couldn't think of anything funny to put into google images for this. I don't know what I was expecting changing my Tinder location to Israel. I don't know what you're expecting by opening this blog, but I can tell you that it doesn't end with, "and we lived happily ever after".

During my never-ending boredom, I accidentally opened Tinder. Alright it wasn't an accident but this next part was. A promotion popped up on the screen to change your location to anywhere in the world at no charge. I thought I hit cancel but then an interactive world map popped up. I was going to x it out but then I figured, if it's for free it's for me. It took me less than a second to zero in on my targeted country. Israel, birthplace of Natalie Portman and Gal Gadot. My undisputed number 1 and 2, in that order. That's how I came to be on the virtual prowl in Tel Aviv. 

I'm always wrong time, right place or wrong place, right time. Right now it's the latter. My Tinder stock is way up in Tel Aviv. It's always good for the ol ego to receive that "A new person likes you on Tinder" notification. I'm getting sick of them, that's how well I'd do in Israel. 

Ran into a little a problem, I don't know what the fuck they're saying. Their writing in sanskrit or whatever. If you don't know what sanskrit is, imagine Michael J Fox writing in cursive. I can make that joke because I have really shaky hands and fairly certain I'm going to have Parkinson's one day. So yeah, I might not know exactly what Yael's saying, but I have a good idea. I'm pretty sure it's something along the lines of "Wow you look very handsome in your last picture!". So I responded, "Thanks that's from when I visited the Alamo with my cousin". She hasn't responded to that yet, but it feels like a pretty strong icebreaker. Ya know, cause of the whole territorial fighting thing.  

I don't know why I open Tinder, I've never been laid from it. I've never responded more than three sentences because I just picture the first date, start laughing, and close out the app. My level of attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Maybe that's why I put myself 5k miles away. I knew I'd get the same result as if it was 2 miles away. I'll be honest, I have no idea what my end game is here. Best case scenario, I end up with a hot pen pal like I'm in the third grade. Worst case scenario, I fall in love, Euro Trip myself and get mugged in the Middle East. I'll keep you posted. 

  

Quarantining With Alzheimer's

My grandfather and I are very close. He has alzheimer's. Which is cruel because even during his best days I don't think he could ever pronounce that. Grandpa has a strong Scottish brogue. You should see his attempt at "squirrel", it's unbelievable. Of course, pronunciation isn't his only issue with the disease, Alzheimer's really sucks. He'll never admit he has it (See: Scottish^^), he only refers to his memory loss issues as "my thingmy". 

I'm going to brag about him for a bit. My grandfather met my grandmother at a dance hall in Glasgow, Scotland. She was visiting her sister from Ireland and was convinced to go out and dance, regardless of how much she hated it. When they met she denied his advances. He told her he'd meet her at a street corner the next afternoon at 12:00 for a proper date. He swore that he wouldn't stay a second later than noon. She was an hour late, he stayed. By the time he was 25, he packed up his wife, three kids, and moved to America alone and with little money in his pocket. He raised a family on a carpenter's salary, and all three of his girls came into success of their own. That's half the story of how I came to be. 

It's a shame that it took his diagnosis for me to want to learn more about him. After he got Alzheimer's, the clock ticked a little louder for me. Since his thigmy, we've spent a lot more time shooting the shit in local bars. He hasn't forgotten how to put back whiskey sours. My grandpa's recent memory is pretty much non-existent, so we just pretend that it doesn't exist and swap old stories. I don't shut the fuck up and he's my perfect audience. I love telling stories, and with Grandpa I have unlimited material. I land every punchline no matter how many times he's heard it. His stories are special though because he reaches so far back to where his memory is still near perfect. I know things about him that my mother and grandmother have never even heard. He talks about his time in the RAF (Royal Air Force), biking drunk through Loch Lomond, ex-girlfriends, and futures that could have been. After he told me the story an Australian girl that he almost married he looked at me and said "I think about her every now and then. Wonder what my life would've been if I married her. But then I look at you, and I know without a shadow of doubt in my heart, that I made the wrong choice." 

The quarantine has been rough on the old man. His routine is off. Normally him and my grandmother grab their donut and coffee and drive down to the beachfront for a stroll or to stare at the New York skyline. The beach has been packed with stupid people with no respect for social distancing. Unbeknownst to my Grandpa, I conspired against him with the help of my 'tough' aunt to restrict his trips to the beachfront. It was ok at first, but the other day he lost it. We told him there was flooding down by the beach and that he wouldn't be able to get to it. He told my grandmother he didn't believe her and was going with or without her. If he was going to expose us as liars, we would've hoped for a little bit of memory loss. He took my Grandma's car and left without her. My grandmother called me, and I texted a cop I knew was on duty to ask to look out for him, but then all of a sudden, he came back. He only went to the end of the street. Grandpa threw the keys on the table and pouted on his chair for the rest of the day. My grandmother had to deal with him being grumpy, but I know secretly she was satisfied that he caved before she did. 

It hasn't been all sad though. My mom told me a couple of weeks ago in church he went to go kiss an old friend on the cheek. We remind him of the virus, but it fucks right off after an hour or so. Apparently the look of shock and fear on this old lady's face at the prospect of my Grandpa kissing her was something out of a horror film. My mother didn't appreciate my laughter, but that didn't stop me from doing it. Then about a week ago, I drove past the beachfront and saw the oldies walking the boardwalk. I got out at a safe distance for a chat. My grandfather came over to give me a hug and a kiss. I kept backing away and telling him I can't for his own safety. He didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and thought I was fucking with him, so he kept chasing me. People might find that sad, but he was laughing from it, which made me laugh, and before you knew it we were both leaned up against the car trying to catch our breath from cackling. 

This man has taught me so much. The necessity of family, how to laugh at yourself, and that just because something seems grim, doesn't mean you can't laugh at it. But the number one trait he passed down to me is how to tell really long stories. I plan on hearing many more of those stories. So it's time to hammer home my hidden message. If something happens to my Grandpa because you fucking idiots think you're too good to stay inside and watch TV, I will lick a hospital floor, hunt you down, and sneeze in your mouth.  

I Hate The Jets And Here's How I Plan On Ruining Their Fans' Draft Night

I hate the Jets. I hate my friends because of the Jets, I hate the Jets because of my friends. Jets fans are easily the most delusional, the most arrogant, the most mindless fans in the NFL. The best months of a Jets fan's year is April-October. After the draft they start their shit talking about how they're going to go 11-5. Not this year. This is the year I make them miserable for twelve months straight. I'm going to piss on their fire before it starts. 

A little bit about myself first, I'm a Rams fan. I became a fan in 2001, Greatest Show On Turf, Super Bowl, the whole nine. I was 7. Kids in the school yard were mad when I said I wanted the Rams to win the Super Bowl vs. the Patriots cause I was a "Rams fan". Everyone and their mother in the parking lot called me a frontrunner. I wasn't. I was determined to prove I wasn't, so I stuck with them. I became a fan out of spite. I even got a Marc Bulger jersey. They lost that Super Bowl of course, and only went back to playoffs two more times in my first sixteen years of fandom. I thought that I was silently cursing the 

Rams and nobody knew it except me. But I stuck with them. 

Being a Rams fan in New Jersey was tough. Not only cause they sucked for the better part of two decades, but because I was rarely able to watch my team. In the pre-RedZone era, in the times before two TVs in the living room, dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was forced to watch Jets games with my buddies. They constantly ragged on my poor Rams to feel better about their shitty franchise. I've been through the Pennington years, Sanchize back to back AFC Championships, the rise of Geno Smith, FitzMagic, and now their new chosen one, Sam Darnold. Years behind enemy lines gave me a new perspective on the NFL. I learned to hate the Jets just as much as I loved Rams. 

Fighting with a Jets fan is rough. Arguing with them isn't based on who can make the most valid points.  Their strategy is to just get louder than you until you get sick of hearing them scream and end the argument. It takes careful preparation to trap them in their own misery any earlier than Week 7. That's seven weeks too many. It all starts with the draft. There's no accountability with this fan base. They'll watch tape for weeks on prospects they want to draft, explain to you how that prospect is going to take the Jets to the next level, and then when they draft someone else? "We're going to the Super Bowl".

Today I texted all my Jet friends individually. We've been bringing up sports scenarios ever since the NBA left us at the altar, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They never suspected my ulterior motives. I sent "For the NFL draft, give me 2 picks you'd love, 1 pick you'd be ok with, and 2 nightmare picks for the Jets". Everyone willingly gave me their best Mel Kiper impression. I now have every pick they claimed would be a nightmare for the Jets. I have the receipts, here are my findings. 

We can't have the smelly Jets draft Ceedee Lamb, Jerry Jeudy, Andrew Thomas or Tristan Wirfs. Jedrick Willis or Henry Ruggs they'd be ok with but after a week would still become insufferable. However! If the Jets draft K'Lavon Chaisson, AJ Epenesa, CJ Henderson, or anyone else, we win. Pretty much, if they select any defensive player in the first round they'll be miserable. For those of you keeping score at home, since 2010 the Jets have selected a defensive player with 10 of their 11 first round picks. Oh boy. 

The Rams don't have a first round pick this year, and I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a draft. If the Jets select a player that any of my friends called a "nightmare pick" I will bombard them with screen shots every time they start to run their mouths. Send this text to your Jets buddies if you want to feel how I'm feeling. If the Jets draft a nightmare pick, no matter how much their fans squirm, keep the pillow over their face. You've already won, Jet Down. 

My All In Challenge

It's time for me to step up. The All In Challenge was started by someone, and is a fundraiser(?) charity(?) where people donate their time to raise money for families affected by the Covid-19 Pandemic. So far Magic Johnson has offered a dinner, a game of horse in the Staples Center, and floor seats with him to see the Lakers. Eli Manning has put his Super Bowl MVP convertible up for auction, along with a nice chill sesh. Kevin Hart is giving the chance to star in his next movie with a speaking role. Justin Bieber is giving one lucky donor a private concert. Plus many more. Here is my offer. 

I'll bring you to play a game of pick up with the boys outside our old middle school on the court with double rims. We'll even make you team captain. After, we can freshen up at my place and I'll even lend you a sweatshirt if you need one. We'll pregame with a couple games of 21 Cup Pong. Then for dinner, I'll pay for Friday's Happy Hour (Half off apps and $3 LITs). From there, it's your choice for night life. We can go to our local Tiki Bar, JakeaBob's, where I used to bartend at. While the rest of the bar is waiting an eternity for their drinks, I can basically go behind the bar and serve myself. Or option B, we take the ten minute train ride to Red Bank and go to a bar of your choosing. I'll pay for your cover, no questions asked. At either bar I'll foot the bill (up to $100). When the bars close down, I'll bring you to a BYOB Strip Club. You have to pay for yourself there, but I'll still go with you. When the night comes to an end, I got the Uber home. You can crash downstairs on my couch, free of charge, with my dogs Avon and Mickey. In the morning I'll get us Pork Roll Egg and Cheese sandwiches from Gem's. We'll nurse our hangovers together with your choice of anything on Netflix, Hulu, HBOGo, or Amazon Prime. Unlimited waters and Advil, while supplies last. You may choose to leave at any point. 

God Bless our frontline Emergency Services and God Bless America. Bids start at $500. Inquire within the DMs for further Venmo information.