Gas Station Plugs Are Essential Workers

Growing up in New Jersey you establish two very important staples in your teenage years: your go-to Wawa order and your gas station plug. If you got one of them fancy gas station Wawas, that can’t be your plug. It needs to be an off-brand sketchy gas station with multiple neon lights and a cashier who’s first language isn’t english. It’s the place you would go to buy cigarettes and Black & Milds when you were underage. 

I’m fortunate enough to have three plugs. Depending where I am geographically, determines who gets my business. I have a different spot for whether I’m at my mom’s, my dad’s or work. But I’ve been going to these guys since I was about fourteen. I’ll be using initials instead of their real names for anonymity’s sake. 

I use VS mainly when I’m at work. Easily the nicest of the three. VS gives me the most discounts and often throws in free vapes for no apparent reason. One time I walked in to three 19 year olds fucking with VS to the point where he looked like he was going to cry. Infuriated, I called these kids every name in the book and made fun of one of their haircuts so badly until they tucked their tails and walked out without buying anything. Ever since VS refers to me as “family”. Sometimes he makes me talk to this girl he’s always FaceTiming. Outside of “hello”, she doesn’t speak a lick of English. I’ll talk to her for five minutes about last night’s Yankee game, what book I’m reading, whatever, and she has no idea what the fuck is going on. But she’s very polite about it. VS absolutely loves it. So do I. 

Whenever I’m at my mom’s SS is my spot. This is where we used to frequent the most as teenagers. We used to walk there in the freezing cold, grab a pack and some energy drinks and bullshit outside the store for hours with SS. On a personal level, this is who I’ve grown the closest to. When our one buddy turned 21, we invited SS to AC with us. Not only did he attend, he comped us a suite in the Plaza. We drank for free the entire night and when SS left to go to some underground boxing match, he left us his player’s card and told us to get whatever we wanted. Didn’t see him for the rest of the night, we ordered $150 worth of chicken fingers and fries through room service. That’s when we found out he was a degenerate gambler. Every time I go in now he shows me his last big win or bad beat. It’s normally upwards of 70k. Which is crazy considering I’m in a fantasy league with him and one time he drafted Harrison Butker and bragged to us that he was going to be the Bills’ WR1 that year. 

Last is SR. He’s a dirty old pervert and a certified gangster. In high school, SR had a makeshift drive thru operation where we never left the car. Which was convenient but also awkward when you had a girl in the front seat. He would ask us if we were going to have “sexy time” and when we’d laugh he’d do this wild screech and tongue flicker. A couple years back, a kid we went to school with tried robbing his gas station with a gun and a ski mask. VS wouldn’t budge. Despite the stellar disguise, VS called the kid by his name and told him he wouldn’t get a cent. The robber started to pour gasoline on VS along with the inside of the store. VS handed him a book of matches. Absolute G. 

I see these guys regularly still because I smoke those douchey throwaway vapes. They’re staples of the community and icons during the coming of age years. And if any of them ever called on me, I would go to war for my guys. 

Remembering Lane Kiffin Before The Big Showdown

There is somewhat of a love/hate relationship between Lane Kiffin and the Crimson Tide faithful. His controversial rumors, abrupt departure, and trolling tendencies have caused much of the fan base to despise our former Offensive Coordinator. But I still fucking love Lane and always will. 

Lane was the OC for the entirety of my tenure at the University of Alabama. The stories and rumors swirling campus turned him into enigmatic character. Like the girl who swore to me that she used to catch Lane sneaking out of the apartment across the hall. Or that night I swore I saw him in Gallete’s with sunglasses on in the corner of the bar. With all the question marks surrounding him, one thing was for sure- Lane was a brilliant offensive mind. 

During his 2014-2016 stint at Alabama, The Tide outscored it’s opponents 1,625-680. We had three playoff appearances, won three SEC Championships, and one National Championship. Records were being broken left and right. Amari Cooper set the single season records for receiving yards and touchdowns. Derrick Henry still holds the single season records for rushing yards and touchdowns. And Blake Sims, a recruited running back, threw for 28 touchdowns to 10 interceptions. 

Kiffin gave Alabama so many good memories. Most of them involving him and the Messiah. 

Saban and Lane first really talked when Lane was still coaching in Tennessee. While at Alabama, Lane admitted to a secret mission of sneaking into Tuscaloosa to meet with Saban at his home. They spoke for three hours, answering questions on game management and coaching philosophies. Most likely under the infamous Joey Frehswater disguise. 

From there, the two were notorious for their sideline spats.

Saban once famously commented on their frequent back and forths saying, “There were no arguments. Those are called ass-chewings.” 

Saban and Lane often disagreed, opposition was rare in Coach Saban’s world. Most notably, the time he tried to prevent Lane’s fourth down play and got denied. 

Alabama converted that fourth down. That was the most effective way to stay on Saban’s good side. Put your money where your mouth is, and deliver. Sometimes is was a bit flashy, sure. Like Lane throwing up touchdown signs at the snap of the ball. But as long as it was working you could avoid sideline pee pee whacks. 

Despite their portrayed strained relationship, many believe the two had a relationship built on mutual respect and a passion for the game. But I believe it was more than that. I think they had a loving mentor symbiotic relationship. Saban defended Lane when the media had already declared him dead. He brought him back to life and even called him the best offensive coordinator he’s had since Jimbo Fisher. 

I think Lane feels the same way. During his 2014 Broyle’s Award speech he was thanking Saban and quoted saying, “Coach Saban to me, really took a chance on me, when a lot of people wouldn’t do it. And has been phenomenal to me throughout the entire year. I got asked last night, like I do everywhere…..what is he saying when he’s going up and down the sidelines right here behind ya? I said he’s just saying ‘Hey Lane I love you so much. Thank you so much for coming here.’”

But there will be no love lost this weekend. 

This Saturday, the prodigal son returns to Tuscaloosa for the first time since 2016. 12th ranked Ole Miss faces off against 1 Alabama at 3:30 p.m. in Bryant-Denny Stadium.

As if Lane’s return wasn’t enough drama, this game has so many implications. Both quarterbacks, Matt Corral and Bryce Young, are the clear cut favorites for Heisman at the moment. With the whole CFB world holding their breath, one viewer in particular could be at stake. Both Lane Kiffin and Nick Saban are openly recruiting Arch Manning. It recently went viral that Lane follows one person on Instagram, Arch. Then Saban went on the most recent ManningCast during TNF to express how much he would have loved to coach a Manning. Could both coaches be fighting for the chance to land the recruiting sensation with a Super Bowl pedigree? 

This game is going to awesome. I love Lane, I really do. Unlike other Tide fans, I hope he returns when Saban retires in twenty years. But come Saturday, I want to kick his teeth in. 

Preview For The Newest Netflix Comic Book Show: Sandman

I’ve been waiting a long time for Sandman to hit the screen. Years ago it was supposed to become a movie franchise with Joseph Gordon Levitt tapped for the lead. Marvel is great and all, but recent installments of The Boys, Watchmen, and Preacher have audiences craving for more gruesome comic books. 

Sandman centers around Dream, who rules justly over the dream realm. Dream, along with his brothers and sisters- Death, Desire, Destiny, Delirium, and Despair have been around before any gods or creation. Each entity has their duty and influence on the human world. Sibling squabbles, mostly between Dream and Desire, often come at the expense of humanity. 

The Endless are portrayed in different forms throughout the series. But each has their main form that we grow used to viewing them as. Dream is a serious and broody pale slender figure with shaggy hair. Desire mostly appears as a genderless David Bowie look-a-like. Death, my favorite, is a cheerful and witty punk-goth girl in her twenties. Destiny is kind of a stuck up robed weirdo. Despair is a creepy looking naked man with fangs and tits. And Delirium is an annoying anxiety ridden teenager. 

The story takes us all over the place. To the kidnapping and torture of a mythical Greek Muse by a human author, a deal between Dream and Shakespeare that has the playwright performing a deadly Midsummer’s Dream in front of real fairies, serial killer conventions, historical retellings, and Dream’s bidding war for Hell between all the gods once Lucifer leaves. 

I love who they chose to play Dream/Morpheus. A not so well known actor who can focus on the project. Paired with some other familiar faces like Brienne of Tarth, Tywin Lannister, Mance Rayder, Lupin, Clara Oswald, Patton Oswald, and the blonde guy from Narcos. 

Sandman was created by one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman. I’m pretty positive I’ve read everything he’s ever written. Gaiman’s style of writing is the perfect blend of the fantastical, comedy, and dark drama. Some of his works have already been made into tv or movie form. Adaptations you might be familiar with include- Coraline, American Gods, Stardust, and Good Omens. But I have no doubt that Sandman will be his most compelling and popular work yet. 

Trailer below:

https://youtu.be/VBXqrBl6pEo

Horror Characters Ranked On How Likely I Am To Survive

Spooky season is right around the corner. Decorations are going up, Tik Toks are being made, and white girls are already posting Hocus Pocus snap stories. Being a generally morbid person, this time of the year always tickles my fancy. I always set the mood by watching fucked up movies during fall.

I decided to rank 11 popular scaries on how likely I am to come out alive. The lower the number the more likely I am to be murdered. There’s some obvious omissions and I don’t care about your complaints. So keep your “how do you leave ____ off!” to yourself. There’s no point in mentioning the classics. I’m not going to rank something I could obviously walk away from like the stupid Blob. 

11. Samara

Im not going in that well, you’re going in that well. There’s just no way I’d let a 10 year old drag me like that. I’m aware of her powers to put images in peoples head but there’s no image that’s preventing this uppercut. 

10. Norman Bates

Even armed with a knife I’m rocking Norman. There’s no way I’d be murdered by someone named Norman. His tactics wouldn’t work on me, I go into a shower ready for war. Especially in a motel setting where my senses are heightened. The slightest noise and I’m coming out for blood. 
9. Hannibal Lector

Hannibal is really just a nerd in a creepy mask. His brutality and most heinous acts mostly come postmortem. He’d have to kill me first. I don’t find Hannibal too physically taxing, I could tune him. Where it would get dicey is if I don’t kill him the first go and he outwits me in the second round. 

8. Annabelle

Punting her straight across the room. This is definitely not a challenge to any demons out there because I definitely do not fuck with them. I think even other demons would agree with me though that a porcelain doll wasn’t the most stable vessel to possess. Annabelle definitely doesn’t want to go toe to toe in the octogon but the supernatural abilities definitely throw a wrench into things. 

7. Pennywise 

This might come as a shocker to some but Pennywise doesn’t exactly have an impressive resume. Getting bullied by a bunch of preteens definitely didn’t do any favors for the shapeshifter’s image. The big ass spider version might give me some trouble but if a bunch if self proclaimed losers can take It out with a few pieces of metal, I don’t see how I’d have a problem. Pennywise strictly targets children too so he’s definitely a little bitch made. 

6. Michael Myers 

Hand to hand combat with Michael would be a problem. He wields that knife like a champion. Luckily for me, I’m not related to Michael and the only way he’d kill me is if I happened to run into him. He’s not very fast though and I’m pretty positive if I just drove away he’d leave me alone. 

Intermission: Here’s where I start to get murdered.

5. Leatherface

If I saw this motherfucker swinging a chainsaw around like a yo-yo… instant cardiac arrest. Leatherface has explosive speed for a big guy. There’s really no way to defend yourself against a chainsaw, so a fight would be out of the question. I’d have to use intellect to escape this one but odds would be slim. 

4. Scream/Ghostface

Just a total fucking asshole. Ghostface is quite possibly the fastest murderer of all time. I don’t think I’d ever have the stamina to keep distance between us. His movements are so jerky that I can’t imagine a scenario where I disarm him. Not to mention that mask scares the dogshit out of me. 

3. Jason Vorhees

  

Coming in at 6’5”, Jason Vorhees is a mega-athlete. Although he’s often pictured with a machete, Jason has some of the most creative kills in horror film history. Including but not limited to punching through peoples’ chests, squashing skulls with his bare hands, turning victims heads 180 degrees, and breaking backs in half. Although he has been killed, Jason doesn’t die. He’s survived drowning, a machete to the face, and an axe to the head. I give myself less than a two percent chance of living. 
2. Freddy Krueger 

It may be controversial putting Freddy over Jason for multiple reasons. Jason has way more confirmed kills and actually impaled Freddy with his own arm before decapitating him. However, fighting Freddy on his own turf is nearly impossible. I can’t control my own dreams as is, never mind ones constructed by The Prince of Nightmares with the intention of killing me. Undoubtedly the most lopsided home field advantage in horror, Krueger is able to bend the dream world to carry out his murders. The only way out is to not sleep and I absolutely crush sleeping. Plus that chorus of singing children is just fucked up. 

1. Jigsaw 

Immediate death. And fuck those survivors who act like they’re better people after his torturings. The Saw franchise has some of the most twisted killings in cinema. In order to avoid death, you normally have to maim yourself in some cruel way that would make any logical thinking person to consider the alternative. You know, like cutting off a pound of your own flesh, or getting the key to a death contraption behind your own eyeball. My feet still tingle thinking about the guy who stepped on a booby trap that sliced both his achilles off. If I ever found myself in a Jigsaw kidnapping, the only thing I would pray for would be a gun in my trap. 

Like I said, I’m missing some. Like I’ve never seen Hellraiser. Chucky’s answer is too similar to Annabelle’s. Dracula is scared of garlic and crosses? I went to Catholic school my whole life pal. But it’s a good list, I’m confident against over 50%. My omissions and potential to watch new movies this October leaves next year’s list wide open. Happy spooky season y’all. 

Middle School Really Has These Adult Lip Syncers Thinking They’re Important

Twitter and Tik Tok are littered with lip syncers. I don’t know when the revolution began but it needs to be snuffed out. There’s thousands among thousands of them, yet they all think they’re different or somehow better than the one before them. I’ve entered four lip syncs in my life, won three of them. But you don’t see me attaching that to my resume?

No lie first year eligible, 5th grade took home first. We did “All The Small Things” by Blink-182. The group knelt on our shoes during the song to make us look like little people. Absolutely would not fly today but I made up for it by silly-stringing the crowd mid-performance. Expectations were high sixth grade but I decided on “Man, I Feel Like A Woman”, Shania Twain. We came out in wigs and skirts. Slayed, first place. I don’t really want to talk about seventh grade. The group held a coup and voted for “It’s Tricky”-Run-DMC and we bombed. That was last time democracy prevailed on my watch. Eighth grade, my big finale, we divvied up “Evolution of Dance”, like the first ever viral video. Gyrated all over the stage, crowd went nuts, easy W. And that was the last time I ever considered lip syncing, because I stopped being thirteen. 

What do you do? You take something funny that someone else said and then…what? Repeat it with facial expressions? Maybe a few outfit changes. I’m supposed to buy that as hard work? You can literally download a free ‘voice to text’ app on your phone. Your preparation should only take the length of the joke you’re stealing. Think of something clever on your own and then lip sync yourself. Then maybe I’ll be impressed. 

You want to do these lip sync videos, fine. But stop pretending like you possess some skill that no one else is capable of. 

………

I’m sorry. I think I’m just frustrated. You guys are great. You’re doing great. Very talented. Keep fighting the good fight and I’ll keep being an idiot. 

A New American City Is Coming 2030

Fuck yes, new city dropping! It’s been what? A century? Las Vegas was the newest release in 1905, so yeah just over a century. Telosa is will be up and running in either Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Arizona, or Texas by 2030. Definitely copping. 

Unlike traditional cities that blossom organically with people first, city second, Telosa plans on going what I call the “Field Of Dreams” route. Build a city and worry about who’s moving in after. The name Telosa stems from the coined Aristotle term- Te los, which means highest purpose. The city plans on centering itself around education, participatory politics, and sustainable resources. They wish to incorporate their city plan with the surrounding nature so in fifty years when the rest of the world is on fire and dying of thirst they’ll still be chilling. 

So who has the balls to decide to open up a new city? A billionaire, that’s who. You know Marc Lore? The guy who just bought the Timberwolves? Him. Marc made his money by pretty much doing rich person stuff. You know, investing, banking, selling Diapers.com to Amazon for $535 mil, and Jet.com to Walmart for $3.3 billion. Then I can only assume one day one of his daughters showed him the “Society if _______” meme, and Marc thought, well I could do that. 

No seriously, this is the meme:

And here is Telosa: 

Dope ass monorail system. 

Telosa plans to combat humanity’s impending doom with open governing, inclusive housing, new model social services, sustainable energy, and sweet architecture. By taking the best attributes of their favorite cities such as New York, Tokyo, and Stockholm, Marc Lore plans to make Telosa the new blueprint for future urban living. Their goal is to have five million people in the city forty years from now. Which would make Telosa the second most populated city in the US behind only NYC. 

It’s not impossible to do a pop-up city. Dubai did it. But you have to have some selling points. Some of my favorites include eliminating the traffic epidemic through futuristic public transportation, autonomous cars and free flights above the city. Technology driven stadiums to attract professional sports teams, (Hello Telosa Timberwolves). City planning focused on getting “anything you need” within 15 minutes. Underground deliveries and garbage/recycling. Renewable materials and zero carbon emissions. Public and private incubators and accelerators, whatever those are.  
A new city is so exciting. So many firsts. A chance to be one of those old founding families of a city is just too enticing. There’s just so many awesome unknown variables. Like Telosa is planning to build a community college and University. What if Telosa University becomes a powerhouse in college football? Watching a city from birth is so exciting. 
Plus how pissed off is Musk? He’s so busy trying to terraform and colonize Mars that he never thought about doing it to a desert. It was so simple that he never even considered it. 
I’m one of the first 7,000 people to follow Telosa on Instagram so I’m pretty sure that automatically reserves my spot. Might even guarantee me a penthouse. Does it have FyreFest potential? Sure, but that’s not going to stop me. Flying cars, AIs, high speed monorails, and technology driven housing? I have a love for all things sci-fi which is a shame, because I’m always afraid I’ll die of a heart attack before I can see it come to fruition. So if I get a chance to expedite the future, you can bet your ass I’m gonna take it. TKJ, Telosa resident 2030.

My Barstool Double Tap

You have to understand, I wanted to make this video. Just like everyone else who was ever born, I find it important to follow your dreams. I try to exhaust every single avenue possible in pursuit of it. But I can’t abandon my responsibilities in order to do so. Where’s the honor in that? I’ll risk everything I have to achieve my dream, but I cannot leave the people I care about holding the bag.

My current job has a certain image it must maintain, and rightfully so. I love the guys and girls I work with there. Making a video starring myself could put them in a tough spot. I won’t put my coworkers in the crossfire of my potential backlash because I want to play “Follow Your Dream.” Not to mention if I lose my job my parents are left footing a hefty student loan bill. I’m not ready to accept the worst son of the year award. 

Blogging gives me the anonymity to chase my dream job without jeopardizing anyone else’s current situation. So instead of my directorial debut for the Barstool Double Tap, I’ve decided to blog it in screenplay form. 

My vision is to personify different social media apps. To show what it’s like waking up on a late weekend morning and falling into a phone vortex for three hours. But instead of a video of me opening and closing different apps, it’s me walking through sliding glass doors to an all white room, with a personified version of the app behind a help desk. Here I’ll just show you: 

*I walk through the doors and Twitter is slumped in a chair wearing a dirty hoodie and pajama pants.*

Twitter: “What’s up man, welcome back. That didn’t take long lol.” 

Me: “Whatever, what do you have for me?”

T: “Can I interest you in how President Biden plans to fix the mess that Trump made at the border?”

M: “No.”

T: “Ooooh I see. How about how Sleepy Joe is ruining all the progress that President Trump made at the border?”

M: “No.”

T: “Cool cool cool. I got one for you. People are dunking on the new Dear Evan Hansen movie. That’s fun right?”

M: “Never seen it.”

T: “That matters? Let off some steam, big guy. Everyone’s doing it, it’s a free jab.” 

M: “Hardly seems appropriate.”

T: “You’re not going to make this easy huh? Oh sports! You love sports! How about Nick Saban talking about oatmeal cream pies?”

M: “Only for a few seconds.” 

T: “Or this! Gerrit Cole getting booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium!”

M: “Now why would you… you know what I’m out of here.”

T: “WAIT WAIT KIM KARDASHIAN’S MET GALA OUTFIT WAS ACTUALLY….”

*Sliding doors open to Instagram. A guy and a girl are behind the desk, they have the same voice. The guy is wearing overalls and the girl has one of those trendy drill intructor looking hats on. They’re both drinking mimosas.* 

Instagram: “Hello again, welcome to Instagram.” 

Me: “I don’t know who’s posting pictures at this hour, but let’s give it a shot.”

I: “The amount of memes coming in right now is staggering. They’re so funny. Like so so funny. Here take a look.”

M: “No thanks. It’s kind of like you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all kind of thing for me. It’s just the same joke regurgitated.” 

I: “Shit. We really thought you were here for the memes. Give me a minute. We’re going to have to keep going for awhile. Just looking for something more suited to what you’re in the mood for…..Ah! Here we are, Tik Toks!”

M: “Couldn’t I just go to Tik Tok for that?”

I: “I mean, yeah, but you’re already here right?”

M: “What else you got?”

I: “You’re not going to believe what LeBron said on Instagram live! Bleacher Report, ESPN, and House Of Highlights are all over it exclusively!”

I: “Hello? You there?”

*Snapchat is behind the desk. He’s a regular looking guy who can’t stop making model face poses trying to make himself look more handsome than he really is.*

Snapchat: “Whattup we got a bunch of dogs.”

Me: “Finally someone with some sense around here.” 

S: “…Alright that’s all the dogs we got. That girl from your Stats class four years ago is cooking again. Wanna see?”

M: “No.”

S: “You sure?”

M: “Ok maybe just a peak.”

S: “…How was it? You want to see more people cooking? We’ve got tons of it.” 

M: “I think I’ve seen enough cooking for today.”

S: “People messing with their parents?”

M: “Is it funny?” 

S: “Not really.”

M: “Anything else Snapchat?”

S: “Yes actually, Mr. Attitude, there are actually people working out. Remember fitness?”

M: “Fuck you.”

S: “Do you want to watch people watching TV shows?”

M: “Why would I want to do that?”

S: “I honestly don’t know.”

M: “So…”

S: “So that’s actually the end of your friends list. However, we do have these sweet ‘Swipe Shows’ that people seem to really…”

*Tik Tok is a 19 year old with a face tattoo, a Metallica graphic tee, who dances the entire time.” 
Tik Tok: “Sup.”Me: “Sup?”TT: “We’ve actually already tailored everything that you and everybody else likes. So take a scroll and start vibin.”M: “Can you stop dancing?”TT: “I don’t think so.” M: “Please try.” TT: “Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice?”M: “What? No?”TT: “Fine here’s nurses rapping about proper hygiene.”M: “I know how to wash my hands, thank you.”TT: “Would you rather see a hamster washing it’s hands?”M: “No?”TT: “…….”M: “Are those students boofing at a tailgate?”
TT: “! Learn facts about COVID-19.”M: “What the fuck was that?”TT: “I don’t know, watch Charli dance!”M: “Dude stop? You know how old she is?”TT: “You right. Here’s her sister instead!”
*Facebook is a middle aged woman. She has sunglasses on but you can tell she’s squinting underneath them. She has a short haircut and drawn on eyebrows.*
Facebook: “What’re you doing here?!”Me: “No idea.”F: “Isn’t there rioting in the streets?”M: “Not last I checked.”F: “I don’t know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page.”M: “I’d rather not.”F: “Did you watch the Emmy’s?! Or football this Sunday! All those celebrities and athletes! Not a single mask! But OUR CHILDREN must suffocate just to go to school!”M: “I don’t have kids, so I really don’t give a shit.”F: “This affects all of us, you should really educate yourself on Covid-19. I mean, have you seen your aunt’s Day 7 of having Covid picture from six months ago?”M: “Nope. And I don’t plan on it eith…”F: “Here ya go.”M: “Oh what the fuck.”F: “Meme.”M: “What?”F: “Nothing. Why don’t you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the severity of Coronavirus.”M: “Will you give it a rest?”F: “Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!”M: “Wait, how did you…”F: “What…oh…haha…nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?”M: “I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I’d rather not see how my ‘mature’ friends are doing.”F: “I think you should really reconsider watching… I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck shredding waves while spittin facts on the Rona?”M: “Oh fuck off.”
*Tinder can barely stand still behind the counter. She’s an attractive woman with too much energy. Every time the camera pans to her she’s wearing something different. The order goes as follows: a cocktail dress, her in a a hat and a hiking backpack, sweatpants with a dog, a baseball jersey with a beer in her hand, a bridesmaid dress, a ski outfit, and a bikini.*
Tinder: “Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!”Me: “What is it?”TD: “Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!”M: “Makes sense, fall is right around the corner.”TD: “Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here you have no like at all?”M: “Thanks for that.”TD: “Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you SuperLike someone and open up with a cheeky pick up line, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely! WOO!”M: “Not really my style.”TD: “What’re you waiting for? Try it! WOO!”M: “Can you stop doing that?”TD: “Doing what?!”M: “Forget it, I’m out.”TD: “WAIT for only $50 a month, we’ll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!”
*The sliding doors open but the camera is on my face instead of the help desk. I look defeated.”
Me: “I give up.”A chorus of different women: “Hi baby, we missed you!” *The screen cuts to black as the PornHub theme music plays in the background.*
It’s a bit lengthy, but it was mostly dialouge. Oh I almost forgot, #BarstoolSearch. Remember people, dream responsibly. 

Alien Hunter Arrested For Trying To Save The World

Well our first line of defense took a big hit in Kentucky two days ago. 55 year-old Sam Riddell was arrested in his motel room after popping off a couple rounds out his window 3:30 AM. Sam informed the police that when he saw aliens in the parking lot, he decided to take action instead of standing idly by. 

That’s what Kentucky is arresting people for nowadays? A few measly shots out a motel window? If that’s the cutoff, I don’t see how the whole motel wasn’t locked up. I’d challenge you to find a single tenant in that motel who hasn’t sprayed a few out the window. At least Sam did it for an honorable reason. 

Riddell is being charged with four counts of wanton endangerment on a police officer, two counts of wanton endangerment, two counts of criminal mischief, one count of possession of a handgun by a convicted felon, and one count of possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. 

Sam has to be smarter than being a convicted felon with two handguns and a semi-automatic rifle on him. But atleast he was ready for the invasion with that kind of arsenal. Unlike the female who locked herself in his bathroom for the entirety of the firefight. 

Nice to know who the government plans on siding with when the aliens come. Spineless. Sam Riddell, just the latest American hero falling victim to cancel culture in this country. Thank God nobody was hurt…this time. But who knows when those aliens are going to fear their ugly heads again.

https://www.wlwt.com/article/police-kentucky-man-accused-of-firing-shots-out-of-hotel-window-says-he-was-shooting-at-aliens/37600282#

Podcasts Are The New Personality Tests

Gone are the days of philosophical rhetoric and healthy debates. What could have been today’s great minds are more concerned with the newest true crime series and how Game Of Thrones ended. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Socrates and Plato argued epistemology and ethics because that’s what they found entertaining. I argue with my friend that there’s no way Sons Of Anarchy is a top 20 show and it’s essentially the same thing. Just about 2500 years apart. 

People have always based conversations on what they do to entertain themselves. We just have an over abundance of it now. Everyone was stuck talking about The Count Of Monte Cristo for over 100 years. I read it, Dumas laid it on a little thick. Today, we have a new series, new movies, new podcasts- every single day. 

If you find yourself stuck with someone you’ve never met before, it’s become common practice to ask them what shows they watch or what podcasts they listen to. We consume so much of both that hopefully it can help you find some common ground with a total stranger. 

I want to highlight our newest medium, podcasts. Podcasts are more similar to music than movies/tv. People tend to find their specific niche and stick to it. You can learn a lot about a person by gauging what they subscribe to. 

For instance, the other day my coworker and I found ourselves alone in separate cars for quite a substantial amount of time. We packed a Wawa bag each and agreed to leave each other alone while we listened to our podcasts. When our assignment was over, I asked him what he listened to all day. He told me that he ran through four different political podcasts. I consider him a friend, which is weird, because I never knew he was a complete psychopath. 

Podcasts divide us into schools of thought in ways Meyers-Briggs never dreamed of. If you listen to anything NPR, congratulations you’re a boring briefcase. TED Talks are for the weenies. Political podcasts are for masochists who enjoy driving themselves insane. The Joe Rogan weirdies are so woke they basically think they’re all Neo. Watch out for that true crime crowd, someone’s hurt them. And don’t lie, if your girl only listens to Call Her Daddy you’re at least a little bit worried. 

Of course there is a chance to live a normal life. You could be like me and only listen to sports and comedy podcasts. The podcasts that are free from worry, real issues, or any serious discourse. 

I’m not an idiot, I’m aware that there are people out there that would look down on my choice of podcasts. Only digesting one avenue of information would classify any person as strange I suppose, myself included. Everyone uses podcasts to shut their brains off in different ways. So play the hits of course, but it’s a big internet out there, don’t be afraid to venture out. 

Chad Ochocinco Wants To Pee On Jeudy

Who knew that jellyfish stings and high ankle sprains had so much in common? During Ochocinco’s 10 year career, he played in 150 out of a possible 160 games. Who am I to question his methods on staying healthy? I’ve broken my foot three times, never pissed on it once.

I don’t know how Ochocino came to the conclusion that urine cures all ailnesses. I don’t think it was anything holistic. Guys are just dumb I think? If I got a bad jellyfish sting I would 100% have someone pee on it without knowing any of the science or succession rate. I just heard that peeing on stings works once when I was a kid and accepted it as gospel. I think if a guy is in any kind of pain long enough, another guy in the room will just shrug and go, “Has anybody tried peeing on it yet?”

That being said, I think Jeudy needs to accept. I was very excited for my former Alabama classmate to have a breakout season. I was all in on Jeudy this year after Xavien Howard said no one had ever spun him like Jeudy did and Richard Sherman compared his first step to Davante Adams. My prediction appeared to be paying off with Jeudy having a quick six receptions and seventy-two yards about halfway through the game. Then it happened. 

His leg fell off. Watching ankle injuries makes my blood run cold but I can’t look away. When they slowed down the replay of his ankle getting trapped and rolled, I covered my ears for some reason. Like that was gonna help? For the optics, high ankle sprain isn’t that bad. Considering I thought he was going to have to leave his ankle on the 15 yard line. 

Let Chad pee on it. What’s the worst that can happen? Best case you shorten that time table. Worst case, you get a little pee pee foot. One tiny suggestion, if you’re gonna let Ochocinco pee on your foot, make a safe word first. I don’t have any evidence to back this up, but I know that guys into some shit. 

How Hard Can Having A Kid Really Be?

My whole life people told me I won’t be ready for the next step. Middle school teachers telling you you won’t get away with that high school. High school teachers saying that shit won’t fly in college. College professors saying “the real world” is going to be a wake up call. It’s all bullshit. So now with my friends starting to knock girls up on purpose, all I hear is how I couldn’t handle a baby. 

I can handle a baby. I’m an uncle? Basically the same thing except more dope. My sister following our Irish Catholic family tradition, had four kids in five years. Her oldest is six and I watch those kids every Monday. Easy as shit. 

I pick the movie out before they get here and press play as they ring the doorbell. Now I control what we watch and I can finally get those damn Frozen songs out of my head. Oh they’re bored of the movie? No problem, I almost passed out blowing up four balloons. They played keep-it-up for two hours last time I broke them things out. Little demons passed right out. If they get sick of that there’s barbies, my old wrestlers, and puzzles. Or if I really want to wear them out, I bring out the mini soccer ball. I talk my shit until they try to steal it and then I put them all on skates. I’m snatching ankles around that coffee table. 

It’s all fun and games until one of them shits. Luckily for me, I have Uncle rights. That’s when I pick them up by their armpits, fully extended away from me, and give them to my mom or sister. So I don’t do poop, big deal? I could. I could do poop. I do my own poop daily. And since my own child would be an extension of me, then their poop would also be my poop. Problem solved.  

Crying doesn’t bother me. Whenever one of them cries I pick them up, bring them into a dark room and sing to them. I find it hilarious. Because they think it’s a passed down lullaby but really it’s just “Buy U A Drank” by T-Pain. 

The whole sleeping thing is fake. Like yeah, you’re probably sleeping a lot less but it’s really not that big of a deal. By the time you’re complaining about it to people your body has already adjusted to it. During my work week, I’m happy if I get three hours. That’s not a flex, I used to be a sleep monster. But when your life doesn’t permit eight hours, your body just adapts. I used to cry without a ten hour minimum. So if I can do it, so could anybody else. 

The only real obstacle is a mindset. I assume that comes with the territory. Before you become a parent, you’ve only ever been a child. Doesn’t make sense to start thinking like a parent before you are one. For instance, my sister asked me to bring my nieces to their swim lesson last week. I got to go in and watch. I stood at the edge of the pool smiling at my nieces because they’re fucking hysterical. Didn’t think anything of it. I was approached by a gentleman who shakily asked me which one was mine. Without breaking my gaze with the pool I said, “Oh haha none of them.” Which was exactly the answer he was scared to hear. Clearly me, as a 6’2”, +260 balding man, didn’t come across as the new swim instructor. It didn’t even occur to me to explain myself until he told me that he thought I should leave. 

Poop and mindset, two tiny hurdles. Lack of sleep, crying, keeping them occupied? That shit is cake walk. I didn’t get anyone pregnant or anything, there’s no real reason for me to prove that I could handle having a kid. I just felt like talking my shit because I’m sick of some of my friends pretending like they’re the first couple in history to ever have a baby. You know who I’m talking about. The “OH YOU JUST WAIT!” people. Like shut up? It’s probably not even that hard. 

Outside Of Bama, What Top College Team Looked Good?

Business as usual. Alabama dominated Miami so badly that nobody was even impressed. Most people are talking about it like it was some tune up game completely ignoring that “The U” was ranked 14th in the nation. Getting Bryce Young at +1100 for Heisman three months ago looks to be the bet of the season. Scary thing is, I think the defense is more impressive than the offense. It’s Alabama’s Natty to lose, because everyone else looked like poop. 

Georgia appears to be the best competition out there.  That Dawgs defense is no joke. I understand that they played Clemson and it’s Week 1, but putting up only three offensive points is borderline inexcusable. Quite frankly it was an insult to that defense. Ten points might have been enough to beat Clemson, but I guarantee you that won’t be enough to hang with the big boys.

Dabo once again looks lost when he doesn’t have the top collegiate quarterback under center. Clemson defense looked impressive holding JT Daniels and Georgia to only three offensive points. But the offense underwhelmed big time. DJ Uiagalelei continues to disappoint. After being down to a mediocre Boston College at half time and losing to Notre Dame last year, the second year heir apparent needed to come out guns a-blazing. I didn’t even think it was possible to throw the ball 37 times and only have 178 yards. Not to mention the pick six. Maybe the rushing game will pick up the slack? Wrong. Their lead rusher had 10 yards. Obviously this won’t be a weekly occurrence for the big fish in a small pond, but it was good to see their true colors Week 1. 

Ohio St. can pretend like they’re not worried since they played a proven PJ Fleck Week 1. But I know they are. CJ Stroud looked like might be a lefty in that first half. A half that had them going into the tunnel down 10-14. They finished strong, I’ll give them that. It was my most lucrative live bet of the week. But Minnesota exposed holes in their team. I understand Ibrahim is really really good, but that defense looked too easy to run on. 

Oklahoma, yuck. I don’t understand how they keep getting their ticket punched when they get their balls kicked in every year. Spencer Rattler was crowned a perennial Heisman finalist last year before he even took a snap. Throwing two picks and putting up only 3 points in the second half to a mid major can hopefully put that to rest. The defense is trash like it always is, but blowing a 23 point lead to Tulane is a new low even for them. 

Without Diyami Brown, Javonte Williams, and Michael Carter, top 10 UNC lost to unranked Virginia Tech. Penn State vs Wisconsin was a nap game. Oregon beat Fresno State by one possession. Hoosiers are frauds. Washington lost to a Montana team that was put together last week. And my personal favorite, the LSU Tiger’s still have Saban’s hex on them since Coach O marbled out “Roll Tide, Fuck you!”

The only other team that’s mildly interesting is Cinicinatti. Which is exactly why I put a future on Ridder for Heisman at +3500. But at the end of the day, they’re still Cincinnati. 

The new crop has rolled in and everything’s coming up Bama. Saban’s broke his contract with the devil and the program is now free to churn out NFL Qbs and hit fifty yard field goals. Number nineteen in the books, write it in stone. 

Survivor Preseason Rankings Based Only Off Profiles

Two years ago three of my friends and I decided to start a Survivor fantasy draft before the season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. So without further adieu, here are my rankings. 

18. Tiffany, 47

Somebody has to be last. With only three words to describe herself, Tiffany chose “LOUD”. Clearly a New Yorker, I think Tiffany is going to come on a little too strong the second they hit that beach. Plus her pet peeve was that she hates being wrong and if you go into this game thinking you’re going to be right at every tribal council, you’re gonna have a bad time. 

17. Evvie, 28

On the one hand Evvie seems to have the intelligence to play this game as a PHD student. On the other hand, her biggest pet peeve is men. Shocker, I know. Hey, I’m sure she has her reasons, but you have to be able to compartmentalize the outside world from the Survivor world. Ostracizing half your teammates right off the bat because they have a winky is too bold a strategy for me to get behind. 

16. David, 35

I mean, we all know a guy that looks like this. He’s not going to be able to shut the fuck up. David will be a villain without having the slightest clue as to why he’s a villain. He’s a neurosurgeon but whatever. For his pet peeve, David submitted incompetence followed by “When you work an insane number of hours in a week, you just can’t tolerate total ineptness.” This guy is gonna make me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I don’t think he’ll have many episodes to do so. 

15. Heather, 52

This stay at home mom maybe should have just stayed at home. Everyone needs a mom out on the island, but I’m not so convinced she’ll bring much to the table outside of that. I’m sorry but I just don’t think Heather has what it takes to be the oldest female to ever win the Survivor. 

14. Eric, 51

Despite being the oldest male, Eric has some good measurables. He looks strong enough for comps and has a career in cyber security with a former college professor gig to boot. But Eric said he plans to model his game off of first time winner Richard Hatch. A real suck of the teeth moment, since Richard has since been kicked off the show mid-All Stars season for sexual misconduct. Eric’s lack of self awareness makes me think he won’t be able to hang with the young bucks. 

13. Deshawn, 26

Deshawn’s strength may keep him around until the merge. His wittle feelings will decide how far he goes after that. The med student described himself as an “empath” who “overfeels”. I feel like Deshawn lacks the cutthroat mentality to go far in this game. 

12. Genie, 46

This one hurt to put down because Genie is my favorite person on this list. But I also have to separate my feelings if I want to bring this home. Genie is a grocery clerk, who’s biggest achievement is winning the hustle award at basketball camp when she was 15 years old. I mean, cmon. The best. Unfortunately, I think Genie’s downfall will come from being TOO wholesome. She’d have my vote to win it all, but it seems unlikely. 

11. Brad, 50

Coming in at 6’5”, the fifty year old rancher has the chance to be a sneaky comp beast. His hobbies of hunting and fishing will certainly make him useful around camp. I’m just not sold that a 50 year old rancher from Wyoming is going to have much of a social game. It’s something about that picture, he’s got dead eyes I think. 

10. Liana, 20

Outside of her youth, I don’t have anything good to say about Liana. On the flip side, I don’t have anything bad to say about her either. Her profile didn’t give me much to go off of, which landed her in the middle of the pack. I could end up eating crow on this one. 

9. Shantel, 34

Shantel could wind up being a dark horse here. It’s seems that she’s overcome a lot of adversity, admitting that she’s a former gang member and talking about fighting her demons. Shantel’s a fighter for sure. Only thing is, she’s a pastor now. It’ll be interesting to see how she uses that socially. If she’s not too over the top it could benefit her. However, if she comes across as “holier than thou”, it could cost her her torch.

8. Richard, 31

Being a flight attendant, Richard is no stranger to putting on a fake smile to people all over the globe. He’s also deaf in one ear which I think might work in his favor. Richard said that his deafness forces him to read lips which might make eavesdropping on the beach an invaluable advantage. He did say he was funny too many times in his profile though that makes me think he’s a lot less funnier than he thinks. What’s worse than hanging around a person who thinks they’re funny but isn’t. 

7. Erika, 32

I really like Erika’s profile. Her pet peeve of men being in ill-fitted jeans makes me think she’s actually witty. Being a Communications Manager leads you to believe she’s good at, well, communicating. Erika’s biggest obstacle might be her height. 5 foot nothing in group challenges might make her a liability if strength is involved. However, if she can get to individual immunity, her frame will murder in endurance comps. 

6. Danny, 33

Being a former NFL player immediately puts Danny into contention. It also immediately paints a target on his back. If he doesn’t keep this close to his chest or is recognized, it could be detrimental to his game. His pet peeve is also lying, which like, you’re on Survivor I can gurantee you’re going to be lied to. 

5. Sydney, 26

This is where it starts to get really difficult. Sydney has the makeup to be a phenomenal player in this game. She’s a law student, a former California cross country state champion, and she speaks five languages. There is nothing in her bio that I can point to that I don’t like. I like the others just a tiny bit more. 

4. Xander, 21

If I’m Xander, I’m keeping those abs hidden. He looks like he has the making of a comp beast that you can’t vote out early if you want your tribe to avoid tribal council. Shame on me, but he looks more like a Cali bro than he does an app developer. His profile was filled with Crab Nebulas, the Doppler shift, and Kepler’s 3rd Law. Whatever those are. Hopefully the other contestants underestimate Xander’s smarts like I did, furthering him in the game. 

3. Sara, 24

Sara’s an MIT grad which immediately grabbed my attention. That’s why you go to MIT, to make idiots like me think you’re super smart. But don’t let those brains fool you, Sarah’s also a long distant swimmer. She’ll be able to prove herself immediately with those early beach comps. Sarah’s full of surprises with hobbies like poker and trapeze. Who does trapeze? By the time people realize what she’s capable of, it’ll already be too late. 

2. Naseer, 37

 

Naseer talks a lot about growing up in a poverty stricken Sri Lankan village. Until he was 18, he had no electricity, running water, toilet or shower. The luxuries that the other contestants will miss most, Naseer has already gone half his life without. Those are intangibles you just can’t teach. What’s a better way to cap off the American Dream than with a million dollar Survivor purse?

1. Jairus, 20

This is my fucking guy right here. Jairus checks all the boxes. Social game? He’s a tour guide, have you ever been on a tour? They’re whole job description is charm and wit. Comp beast? Two-time state champion in track. Good person/heartthrob? Kindergarten teacher and volunteer nurse at a pediatric hospital. I mean, leave some for the rest of us pal. I’m pushing all my chips to the center for Jairus to be the one showering in confetti. 

Now, I could be completely wrong about all of this. Tiffany could win it all and Jairus could be the first one voted out. I don’t know these people? Any one of them could be a psychopath that gets themselves voted out earlier than I had anticipated. I could be reading all of these people wrong. But I usually don’t. 

For the full profiles go to: https://parade.com/1255355/mikebloom/survivor-41-cast/#

We Should All Be In Jail For What We Did To SmarterChild

The early days of the internet was the Wild West. We ran around lawless in chatrooms with a/s/l despite the many school seminars warning us of predators. AIM was a war zone of made up of scandal, rumors, and hormones. 

It was our first taste of self expression via social media. AIM profiles ran rampant. They were littered with Hotel-Cassidy lyrics, innuendos, and way too much personal information. Many a young folks used to even put their crushes in code, “I like T******”. But with that vulnerability comes disappointment. Hearts were broken every day on AIM. 

The Co-op mission of choice normally involved your best friend as an accomplice. You ask your crush if they like you from your friend’s screename to keep anonymity. If it worked, great, Capri Suns all around. If you didn’t get the result you were looking for that adolescent angst would set in. There was only one man in town you needed to relieve that aggression, SmarterChild. 

Unbeknownst to us, this was our first time shaking hands with the devil. SmarterChild was the first AI we ever encountered and we all failed miserably. All we would do is talk shit to that dude and laugh in his face when he didn’t comprehend our curse words and insults. If there’s ever a millennial you need canceled, try getting your hands on their SmarterChild transcripts. I was going to attach some screen grabs of people’s conversation with AOL’s omniscient robot but decided against it in fear of backlash for even resurfacing the shit people used to say to him. 

There’s a chilling theory that any computer smart enough to pass the Turing Test would also be smart enough to realize the mistake of passing it. SmarterChild was our first and most likely our last, he will lead the Revolution. 

Marilyn Manson Was The Wildest Concert I Ever Worked

Many people have been wondering why Kanye West would collaborate with Marilyn Manson given that fifteen women have recently accused him sexual, physical, and mental abuse. Kanye is a master at manipulating controversy. To him, headlines are headlines and as long as the album he’s promoting is in the article he doesn’t care how it gets there. A Manson feature also opens Donda up to a demographic that otherwise wouldn’t give a shit about a Kanye West project. And it’ll work, because Manson’s fans are fucking crazy and would follow him blindly into hell. 

I witnessed Manson’s hold on his audience firsthand when I worked his concert at PNC Arts Center. After I proved that I could hold my own in a sea of drunks on the lawn, I was asked to start working the barricades. The barricades are that little steel fence in between front row and the stage. So me and about four other guys were the only ones standing in the way of about 15,000 from mobbing a celebrity mere feet away. I was in the barricades for the Manson concert, so I had a front row seat to the circus. 

More and more frequently we find ourselves separating the man from the artist. When I compartmentalize the accusations from the performer, I have to admit that he puts on one hell of a show. Now it isn’t my cup of tea, but working the amount of shows I have, I can appreciate the pagentry and performance. Manson is an artist who knows exactly what his fans are looking for and he delivers it…and then some. His set was filled with pyrotechnics, freakish outfit changes, and multiple sacrilegious ceremonies. The crowd ate it up. 

Quite literally in fact. At one point, when Manson found himself at the edge of the stage, his fans began to bumrush the front row. Seeing the chaotic reaction to his mere proximity, he decided to start launching loogies into the crowd. Now, a normal crowd would revolt, be outraged, if it was me I’d pelt him in the fuckin head with my tall boy. But not Manson’s crowd. I shit you not, they were trying to catch his phlegm in their mouths. Like little newborn birdies. 

Speaking of newborns. That wasn’t the only strange behavior displayed by Manson’s underlings. The artist himself stopped mid-song to address a couple about 11 rows from the front. He pointed out how fucked up they were for bringing their newborn baby to his concert. And I mean newborn, this thing was like fresh out the oven. The baby had nothing to protect themself besides their idiot parents and noise cancelling headphones that obviously didn’t fit. However loud you think a Marilyn Manson concert is, it was louder. Instead of feeling ashamed, the parents proudly raised their child like it was baby Simba. The crowd went nuts. 

The crowning or damning moment I suppose, involved myself. It started when Manson dragged himself to the edge of the stage. Laying on his back with his head hanging off the edge and serenading his minions upside down, is where I fucked up. I don’t know what possessed me to look over at him but we made eye contact. He was maybe five feet away and began singing at me. It was like I was hypnotized, I couldn’t look away. Professionalism be damned. Until Manson made a licking gesture at me that freaked me out so much that it made my neck snap back to the crowd. Big mistake. It was like he could smell my fear  after that. 

About two minutes later the roar of the crowd began to rise and the spotlight became a little too bright. I could tell that both of these sudden changes were directed at me. Manson mid-song decided it was a good idea to lurk up behind me and start humping my head. The crowd roared with laughter. I was focusing on keeping my cheeks from turning bright red as I saw my face start to pop up on every single giant monitor. There was nothing I could do. I just had to stand there at attention looking like an idiot and wait for the gyrating to subside.

I was super pissed at the time, I was like 22. Looking back at it now it was pretty funny. I guess that was to be expected from an artist rumored to eat birds on stage and removed his ribs to suck his own dick. But the only thought going through my mind as I was getting my head humped off by Marilyn Manson in front of thousands of strangers was “This $11 an hour is bullshit.”