Hired Grinch Destroys Mother’s Christmas

I don’t know if everyone else’s FYP has been flooded with Grinch content, but I now believe he has more impersonators than Elvis. Jim Carey famously went method for his role in Whoville, and it appears his followers have taken a similar route. Unfortunately for one mother, this hired Grinch grinched her whole house up. 

The caption reads: 

“So paid £85 for a grinch visit… advertises the grinch to come in mess the kids bed have a pillow fights put toilet roll around your Christmas tree and pictures with the kids at the end (they were told to leave no pictures) VS what I got every single bit of party food expensive cupcakes threw all over the place tree decorations BROKE !!! Fairy up liquid poured on my kitchen floor eggs smashed and a full bottle of juice poured over my floor and SON !!! Kids new onesie ruined Highly highly DO NOT recommend… mailed and complained no reply 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 grinch defo came and stole Christmas 🎅 never been so disgusted in my life !!!” 

Hello the consequences of my decisions. In the words of Mayor Augustus Maywho, “INVITE THE GRINCH, DESTROY CHRISTMAS!” Grinches are gonna Grinch, what did you expect Laura? 

I mean, he fucked that shit up. 

But imagine how much fun this guy was having just wreaking havoc throughout this apartment. Not only did this Grinch know there would be no repercussions for his actions but they’d also have to PAY HIM to ruin everything. Oh I’m sorry are those cupcakes expensive? WHAP. Nice eggs you got there, be a shame if someone smashed em. Nana got you this tree decoration? SMASH. What’s that there, Fairy up liquid? Not sure what that is. Where’s your son, I’m gonna fuck him up. 

If you ask me, it was an £85 well spent. You think that kid gives a fuck about his lame ass Teddy Bear onsie? Look at that smirk on his face in the picture above. Kid had the time of his life. He got to have a full blown food fight with the Grinch in his house. And he couldn’t get in trouble for it cause Mom set it all up. This is going to be a core memory for him, which is no short accomplishment. 

Just a little extra nugget and I don’t know if I find this funnier given my heritage but this all took place in Scotland. Picturing this legend destroying a home dressed as a Grinch with a Scottish has me dying. 

But this is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. Don’t hate the playa. If you invite the Grinch, he’s gonna steal Christmas. Who’s fault is that? You saw what happened when Cindy Lou did it and you followed the same exact blueprint. Same snake bit you twice. Cleaning up was probably a bitch, but for £85, you bought yourself one hell of a story for life. 

Holiday Tide-ings

With the CFB rapidly approaching, the Alabama Football program has been a constant in the news cycle. There’s been so many little and big stories and snippets that I’ve decided to compile them into one blog. From player Twitter burns to Covid concerns, Holiday Tide-ings to you and yours. 

JAVION COHEN TAUNTS AUBURN

I pray I never reach the point where empty Bowl Games hold so much meaning for my fandom. Here is Auburn’s football team practicing for their big showdown against Houston in the TicketSmarter Bowl. The Karate Kid pose, resurrected as a celebration by this year’s wideouts, has become an Alabama rallying cry. Needless to say, Auburn barners didn’t take too kindly to Javion’s public humiliation. 176 replies of “This you?” And “Bryce got sacked 7 times.” later and you realize that Auburn has now come to believe that playing defense in the Iron Bowl means you’ve won despite the final score. Houston +3, any player worth a shit left. 

DEMARVIN LEAL EMBARRASSES HIMSELF

Not I want to go to the NFL to make generational wealth, or I want to win a National Championship, but “I dreamed of beating Alabama.” The lengths that people will go to justify their mediocrity is astonishing. Way to set the bar high little buddy. The timing of this sure is strange to me. We played A&M in early October? Would I put it past Saban to have this released for a little extra rat poison before a playoff match? Of course not, he can do anything. Can’t you picture him in the locker room screaming “PEOPLE DREAM OF BEATING YOU! GO OUT THEIR AND CRUSH THEIR FUCKING DREAMS!” Whew, gave me the chillies and I’m the one that wrote it. But the fact remains this dumb dumb still said this. Players hopped on to roast him but no one criticized him harder than the Collin County PD who arrested him the next day for marijuana possession. 

DEMARCCO HELLAMS PUBLICY EXECUTED A MAN



JONATHAN ALLEN AND DARON PAYNE FIGHT
I know Washington fans are concerned about this little scuttle between the two former Alabama champions, but I think it means they drafted correctly. You have a team that’s riddled with injuries, getting their balls kicked in weekly, playing for nothing, and your two Alabama boys still have enough fight and passion in them to come to blows on the sidelines. Allen and Daron Payne have been teammates for a long time, brothers even. You’ve never punched your brother in the face? Besides it led to this great nugget from Tim Williams telling us that Alabama players used to fight so much that Scott Cochran used to have to take the gloves away from them. 

God, Rueben Foster vs Ashawn Robinson sounds terrifying.
THE TRANSFER PORTAL ONLY MAKES THINGS EASIER FOR ALABAMA


Nick Saban was staunchly against the transfer portal. He tried telling everyone it was a bad idea. If they won’t join you, beat them at their own game. Now everyone pays the consequences. As if the portal additions of two of Alabama’s biggest stars in Jameson Williams and Henry To’oto’o weren’t evidence enough of a mistake, the transfers keep piling in. Former All-American and 5 Star recruit, Eli Ricks has already transferred from LSU and is currently in Tuscaloosa. He’ll be joined by All-ACC Georgia Tech running back , Jahmyr Gibbs who led the ACC in average all purpose yards per game. 
ALABAMA CANCELED MEDIA VIEWING 
Now this very well may be nothing. But I don’t know about you, but I feel like a Covid bombs gone off he last week. Family, friends co-workers, half of my fantasy football team all around me testing positive. In fact, I think I have it. Literally waiting on my Mom to bring me a home test as I write this. There can be any number of reasons Saban didn’t want the media at practice. But if it’s because there’s notable missing players, that’s a concern. Especially knowing that both Bill O’Brien and Doug Marrone tested positive. Saban has assured us that no players have been affected and that the team has implemented protocols that have worked in the past. But that won’t stop me from worrying. 
But Friday’s the big day. There’s another team on the tracks that get to find out once and for all of they actually Want Bama. Get your house and your juju in order. Roll Tide and (let me beat this into the ground) Good Tide-ings. 

Confronting My Biggest Issues With The Matrix Franchise Before Seeing Resurrections

The Matrix for me was one of those franchises that I pretended to love as a kid without knowing what the hell was actually going on. All I knew was Neo was running on walls and dodging bullets in slow-mo and that shit was cool. The plot was completely lost on me, I was six when the first movie came out. 

Spoilers obviously, idiot. 

When I watched in my teenage years I loved it. Ultimately understanding there are three factions at war. The remaining humans fighting for survival, the AI robots clinging onto to their oppressive regime, and rogue programs fleeing deletion looking out for their own interests any where they can get it inside the Matrix. I was too enamored with my new found comprehension that it never occurred to me to question anything. 

But I’m in my late twenties now. So I’m an arrogant snob who’s watched too many shows and read too many books to the point that I can only enjoy them if I pick apart everything that’s wrong. Watching the trilogy in preparation for the fourth installment left me with a list of gripes. Because I’m smarter than everyone, especially the creators themselves. 

4. The Robots Were Pretty Fair

Without a doubt, the sentients are far superior in every possible way than the human race. Then humans have the gall to be like “actually we’re going to fight you to the death.” Like imagine if tomorrow penguins decided to say, you know what, Earth is our planet, we’re sick of the humans and we’re going to try and kill every one of you. How would you react? I’d tell the penguins, “Listen here you little shits, I could punt every fucking penguin into oblivion if I want to. Know your place.” But the sentients didn’t do that. Not completely anyway. Sure they need us for human batteries, but creating the Matrix where you could still live a normal life was a pretty nice gesture if you ask me. 

3. Neo Using His Superpowers Outside Of The Matrix

Ok so inside the Matrix, everything is a simulation. If you can fully accept that, you can begin to bend the faux-reality to your will. No problem there. But at the end of the second movie and the entire third movie, Neo is essentially Superman in the real world with little to no explanation. Just because he had a conversation with The Architect he can now immobilize and crush sentients with his mind and see with no eyeballs. Even Superman has an origin story explaining his powers. You can’t just be like oh yeah I don’t know he can just do that now. 

2. The Zionists Were Shitty And Selfish People

I get that they had to fight off the sentients to survive and that that constant fear made defeating them their sole purpose for existing, but they had zero foresight. What was their end game? Justifying the liberation of the pod humans inside the Matrix is nothing short of cruel. Apparently the saying “ignorance is bliss” has been eradicated from human language in the year 2199. Imagine working your ass off in the Matrix, coming up from nothing and becoming a successful millionaire. You live in a mansion, fine dining, endless entertainment and partying. Just to have some shitass dressed in rags wake you up naked, hairless, and cold in red goo telling you you’re free now. Oh and by the way we can’t go above ground because everything is destroyed, there’s no sun, we eat maggot porridge, we shake hands with the devil living at the center of the Earth for warmth, nothing you knew is real, and you’re now penniless and useless in a society you know nothing about, you’re welcome. Fuck right off. Give me a blue pill and put that thing right back in my skull. 

1. Keanu Reeves Being 35 Years Old While Filming The First Movie

He just isn’t. 22 max. 

Although I talked a whole lot of shit, I’m really excited to watch Resurrections. This movie looks like it takes place almost entirely inside the Matrix which is the strongest element of the franchise. Doesn’t matter to me if they add more issues to my list. I’m a nostalgia slut and I don’t care who knows it. 

Should You Bet On The Team You Root For?

Sports gambling has taken on a whole new life in these last couple years. Especially in the states where it’s been legalized. Have you always been able to bet on sports? Duh. But now every Bill, Dick, and Harry thinks they’re a sharp. 

I am not great at any of the things I enjoy most in life. Betting is no exception. I go down, I chip away, I go up, I go down, and the pendulum swings. Like most gamblers I started by placing bets on the teams I’m a fan of. It makes sense, right? They’re the team I’m most intimately in tune with. I know what they are and aren’t capable of better than most. 

But like I said, that’s only how it started. Once it hits the lips it’s hard to turn back. You begin to branch out. You chase that same passion you have when rooting for your team by financially putting skin into random games. Prime time slots, bored in your room, or maybe it was the only game playing at the bar. You start to gamble on other teams. You begin to trust other teams and despise even more. Before you know it, you have a weekly lineup of games you like.

But I’ll tell you what, waging your wallet on a team you don’t care about is much more enjoyable than gambling your soul on a team you love. So much can go wrong betting on your own team. It makes losses sting that much more. Winnings great, sure, but it could also put you in a compromising position. Like last week, when I took Alabama Basketball -3 vs. Houston. Tide won by a point on a buzzer beating block and I screamed in an excitement that lasted all of about four seconds before I realized how much I lost. 

When you bet teams you’re not invested in, what you’re purchasing is passion for that particular game. When watching a team you’re a fan of, there’s no purchase necessary. So should you bet on your own teams? Probably not, but it’s never stopped me before. 

*Please gamble responsibly. If you or someone you know have a gambling problem please call 1-800-GAMBLER. 

Dan Haren’s Child’s Homework Difficulty Level: Harvard

We all have that core memory of your Dad sitting with you at the table yelling because you don’t understand your homework. You fight back tears as he tells you you aren’t having dinner until it’s finished. At least I hope we’ve all had the moment? Fuck. 

Regardless, I get it now. He was taking out his freustration on me, not because I didn’t understand it, but because HE didn’t understand it. So rather than admit defeat, he pretended to teach me a lesson because he was unable to give me all the answers. 

Take for instance, Dan Haren’s kid’s homework that he posted. I’m going to post the picture below and it better fucking work otherwise this blog is useless. I’ll include the link below the picture just in case. 

https://twitter.com/ithrow88/status/1470628428885884932?s=21

A four year old?! How? Who the fuck illustrated this? Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code? Impressive 15 minute finish for the former A’s pitcher. My Dad wouldn’t have stood a chance. I don’t think I stand a chance. 

Let’s try and break it down row by row. It appears you have to rhyme the first picture with another picture in it’s row. 

#1

Chicken- friend? Chicken-couple? First one’s out. Chicken-spider? Chicken-web? Nope. Chicken-duck? Goodness. Double back. Maybe it’s not a chicken. Hen-friend? It’s not the best rhyme, but it’s the best I got. 

#2

First impression isn’t great. Bed-books? No. Bed-shelf? Bed-library? First one’s a no. Bed-net? I mean probably not, but maybe? Third picture, bed-front? Bed-leader? Wtf is that. Final answer: bed-net. 

#3 

Ok, I think that’s a vet. Vet-leg? Mehhh not great but we’ve accepted worse. Vet-plane? No. Vet-red? Right? I think red’s at the top of a traffic light. This homework is breaking my brain. None of them really rhyme but I think vet-red wins. Eminem could make that rhyme. 

#4

Feeling good about #4 after first glance. Pen-friend? Maybe, but I think we can do better. Pen-ten? BOOM, open and shut case. Not even gonna go to the third picture. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I have no idea what they’re doing in the last graphic. 

#5 

Fuck. Got way too cocky after 4. Looks like a kid with melted ice cream. Is it hot? Or messy? I mean he’s got it all in his hair. Let’s go with hot. Hot-married? Hot-wedding? Hot-parents? Ok, not the first option. Hot-lion? Hot-den? Shit, no. Hot-mouse? Hot-rat? Hot-pet? What’s happening? We’re leaving this last one blank. 

There you have it. I’d hand this in with hen-friend, bed-net, vet-red, pen-ten, and blank. Literally only one of them actually rhymes. I’m confident I’d get a 25% if this were a test. This is four year old level work and I am very concerned for myself. 

Play For The Crimson Tide, Where The Boys Have Your Back

When an Alabama football player has a request, the Tide faithful are always willing to answer the call. No matter how tall the order. So when starting left guard, Javion Cohen reached out to Twitter in an effort to get the attention of this years’s Homecoming Queen the interactions flooded in. 

But this is no ordinary Homecoming Queen. This is softball phenom and Tuscaloosa’s darling, Montana Fouts. The same Montana who stole hearts and strikezones in the past two seasons for the Crimson Tide. This is 27-4, 1.61 era, 24 complete games, 349 strikeouts in the 2021 season, Montana Fouts. The two-time All-American, two-time First Team, 2019 SEC Freshman Of The Year, 2021 SEC Tourney MVP, 2021 Pitcher Of The Year winner, herself. 

Sounds like a Ric Flair introduction, but you get the idea. The support on Twitter piled up. Tag after tag of @MontanaFouts piled up in the replies. Including encouraging messages like these: 

@andrew_dunn1994: “Hey man thanks for letting me borrow the family yacht this weekend fam, we had fun”

and

@DillonMoore28: “Aye bro thanks for rescuing me and my family from that burning building in time to make the ride to Atlanta and win the Sec championship” 

Well apparently we misread the situation. Javion, always the gentleman, responded in kind with the overwhelming amount of replies with the following tweet: 

“ima shooter with no weapon”, borderline Shakespearean. We have since received an update that Montana, not one to let the Crimson Tide family down, reached out to Javion to sign something for his sister just in time for the holidays. And you better keep your mouth shut about it, don’t ruin the surprise.

Now I ask you. Does this feel like a team, a fanbase, a city, that seems worried about Cincinnati? Of course not. Merry Christmas and Roll Tide. 

Ukraine Memes Russia While On The Brink Of War

If a quick Twitter search is to be believed, Russia is flirting with the idea of invading Ukraine. @PhillyD says a 175k troop offensive is being planned by Putin and he has a blue checkmark so it must be true. Ukraine’s first line of defense? Memes.

I mean, how do you come back from that? Besides like a nuclear arsenal and the world’s top five largest active military. What’s your response when Vindogs obviously moonlighting as Ukraine’s Secretary Of Defense? Does Russia immediately turn around? Do you think Putin laughed? 

I often wonder how wars and crime and stuff still happen after the births of Twitter and Tik Tok. I don’t take anything seriously. Nobody takes anything seriously. Do you remember the night we bombed Iran? RIP, but that was one of the funniest Twitter nights of all time. The WW3 tweets and videos came out at record speed. 

As silly as it might seem, it was probably a genius move by the Ukrainian government. Have you ever been the person that takes an argument way too far and everyone’s like “WOAH chill out, man! They’re just messing around.” Instant embarrassment. You can’t win the people when you’re the only one being serious in a fight. Thanks to this Tweet, all the eyes are now on this situation. You scroll right past a CNN or FOX headline, you retweet war memes. Win the internet, win the war. 

T’s and P’s to Eastern Europe, this is obviously very serious stuff. We’ve quite possibly witnessed the highest stake meme ever tweeted. And if we’re keeping score? 1-0 Ukraine. 

What I’m Most Excited For Since Joining The Metaverse

Ok so technically the Metaverse hasn’t launched yet but I bought an Oculus Quest 2 and that’s the first step. For anyone living under a rock, The Metaverse is the next phase in the internet’s evolution. A virtual universe running parallel to our reality. Spearheaded at the moment by Facebook, the Metaverse will change the way we socialize, shop, entertain, and even work. 

We are on the ground floor. We’re at the stage that Atari was at when they invented Pong. You know, that stupid game where the rectangle goes up and down to block the ball from going in the little slot. Almost like virtual air hockey but not fun. Fast forward to today and I can play as an assassin scaling the Great Pyramid of Giza with graphics so good it tricked my Dad into thinking it was a movie. Imagine how far VR will advance in that time frame. 

Which is crazy because the floor is already insanely high. I set up my Oculus today. Set my home as a God damn spaceship orbiting some distant planet. It’s stunning. I played a game that had ninjas trying to kill me going in and out of slow motion like I was Neo in the Matrix, and watched a YouTube video that made the screen look like it was an iMax movie theater. 

I’m still exploring, but it’s easy to understand why Evil Emporer Zurg was confident in changing his universally known brand of “Facebook” to “Meta”. They have something. Where will it go from here? It’s internet 2.0. Not since the introduction of the WorldWideWeb has there been this much potential on a new frontier. Here’s what I’m most excited for in the future. 

8. VIRTUAL TRAVEL

If I had the capital, I would visit every single country in the world. Now seeing something virtually will never hold a candle to the real thing, but it’s a damn good substitute. Always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower, Great Wall of China, Christ The Redeemer? Strap on a pair of goggles and see the Wonders of the World from the comfort of your couch in real dimensions. Maybe you don’t have the cash right now. Or maybe your elderly parent/grandparent who’s no longer capable of traveling would like to see their home country again. Or maybe there’s a wedding or graduation of a loved one that you can’t attend due to finances or health. Miss nothing. The Metaverse will give you the tools to see the entire world without even having to move your feet. 

7. EXERCISE 

Just because you don’t have to leave your couch doesn’t mean you have to be dormant. For me, one of the worst parts of going for a run or to the gym is the possibility of seeing someone I know. Why would I want someone to witness me out of breath, puffy, red and sweating? With partnerships like Peleton or probably a “smart” treadmill if that’s an invention yet, you can run or ride through the streets of Tokyo or Amsterdam to get your cardio in.

6. INSTRUCTION/ WORK

During the pandemic people fell head over heels with working from home. The Metaverse will provide a space where work comes to you. Virtual meetings, everyone having an office with a view of their choosing, and your entire career comfortably at your fingertips. 

But think bigger. Like Ender’s Game bigger. You might’ve read it in school but Ender’s Game is a book where they teach children the art of warfare in space through the use of games and simulation. The Metaverse is the perfect environment to learn high stakes skills with zero responsibility for mistakes. Say for instance, flying an airplane, or being an astronaut. If you’re in a world where you can learn next level skills adapting in real time to possible problems or difficult scenarios without any risk of danger. We could all be pilots. The possibilities are endless. 

5. TEACHING

Schools as we knew them, will be dead. Possibly with good reason. Imagine a future where schools teach their children with virtual reality goggles instead of chalkboards and erasers. You could mix chemicals or conduct dissections in Science. In Math you could team up to engineer skyscrapers together. History could bring you back to walk the battlefields of World War II, explore Versailles during the reign of King Louis XIV, or participate in the Boston Tea Party. Revolution is coming. 

4. SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

This might sound like an oxymoron but it’s already taken off. That’s why people are snatching up NFTs to hang up in their non-existent virtual living rooms to impress future guests with their rare virtual art collection. The Metaverse will be social media on steroids. Augmented reality will be the next addition to the Metaverse. Quick aside, think of virtual reality as putting on goggles and seeing only that universe and augumented reality as the glasses Iron Man gives Spider-Man. See reality with technological additions. Imagine walking down the street and your group chat pops up in your glasses to vote for the restaurant you’ll eat at. Menus can pop up as you walk past restaurants with reviews and ratings. A hybrid world where we can see the imprints people leave behind for impressions, advice, or instruction. 

3. ENTERTAINMENT  

Obviously today I was watching YouTube and fighting ninjas so the entertainment aspect has already begun. But there is so much room to grow. Gaming, watching TV/movies, and sports will change forever. The first video game I ever owned was Pokémon Red on a Nintendo Gameboy. It was pixelated, glitchy, and fucking mind blowing. But imagine a Pokémon game in virtual reality, where Charizard actually looks 7ft tall and blows fire at your face. I think we’re not far away from a movie or TV show where you’re the main character and the plot goes through your POV. The Metaverse will drop you into an immersive 360° storyline where you’re the hero. No tickets to the World Series? No problem. Place a bet in the Metaverse and turn your couch into backstop seats. Sit front row and witness sports history without having to take out a home equity loan. Watching sports in the Metaverse might be expensive at first but once the novelty wears off I fully expect it to be like a cable package. Remember when we used to have like 60 channels and now basic cable comes with like 600? It’ll be the same concept. 

2. MEDICINE

Autosurgeons have long been a staple in sci-fi based literature. Imagine the greatest minds of the generation able to perform surgeries and operations from the opposite of the world. Consultations no longer require waiting rooms with year-old magazines and booger sneezing zombies. Doctors around the world could share information, theories, and new experiments with interactive maps of different organs that rotate, enlarge, and dissect. The Metaverse could save lives. Unlock the mysteries of Alzheimer’s! Find a cure to cancer! This is how humanity grows. We’ll come together to build a world where new advancements will push the boundaries of life itself. 

1. PORN

Porn. 

We kind of fucked up the first internet. We had good intentions and it shows signs of promise here and there but it’s an otherwise unhappy place. The Metaverse is our chance to hit the reset button and build a parallel universe built on morales, charity, and goodwill. 

Opening Gifts In Front Of People Should Be Illegal In All Countries

It’s the holiday season and we’re all losing our minds for that perfect gift. Will they like it? Will they get it? Is it too much? Is it too little? Buying gifts is a lot of pressure, but not nearly as much pressure as the other side. 

The old adage that it’s better to give gifts to than to receive them is 100% true. But only because you have to open all the gifts you receive. 

Christmas and birthdays can be awkward. Women are sociopaths for what they do at baby showers. Weddings are the only events who do it correctly. In tandem, in private, and with the ability to talk shit or praise appropriately. 

Given the time of year, I’ll talk Christmas since that’s what I celebrate. Im trying to think and I’m pretty confident that I can say I’ve never received a gift I didn’t like. That being said, there are definitely different categories that demand different reactions. For instance, you’re not going to react the same as opening a pair of jeans as say a PS5. 

That lower tier of presents turns you into a sub soap-opera level actor. You have to make a face that shows you appreciate the gift. But it’s not like anyone’s ever been amazed or surprised by a nice shirt. In a store you don’t change facial expressions when you see a shirt you like? You think, “oh that’s a cool shirt,” grab it and leave. But when opening a t-shirt you have to smile and do that weird thing where you unfold it and look at the back of it. Spoiler, the back of a shirt looks exactly like the front except there’s nothing on it. And then what do they guilt you with? “Oh I kept the receipt if you don’t like it.” No I fuckin like it but I’ve never seen a jacket that makes me go “FUCK YES A NEW MOTHERFUCKING JACKET!” 

Even if you get a gift you were hoping for it’s rocky terrain to navigate. This is your PS5 or new piece of jewelry or furniture or snowboard or laptop or whatever the fuck you really wanted. You know what the money shot is when you open it. Not since I was maybe seven years old have I jumped up and down in excitement. Outside of smiling and saying thank you or “this is awesome”, what can you do to truly show appreciation? I do that thing where I say they shouldn’t have and that it was too expensive but of course I’m lying. I know it and they know it. I showed interest in wanting something and it was bought for me. Why would I then recant my desire now that I go it?

It’s not that I hate gifts, I just hate myself when I receive them. 

If you have to “exchange” gifts with another person the only viable option is to get them a better gift. It’s the only way to assure that you’re not going to feel like a piece of shit. It’s probably why I’m such a good gift giver. But if you’re giving gifts to your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, family member, or friend, the best gift you can give them is privacy to open it. 

Cancer Is Weird

Cheery, I know. It’s a weird thing to talk about. It’s something so prevalent, always lurking in the shadows, we all know or have known someone with cancer. But yet, we’re all still awkward when it’s brought up. Whenever it’s talked about it’s either a rallying cry, “Beat Cancer!…Stand Up To Cancer!…Fuck Cancer!”, or very serious and somber. I don’t think I need to quote the somber bits, you’ve heard “lost their battle” before. But the truth is there are lots of bits in the middle that we need to confront. 

My Dad has cancer. I’m not the first person it’s happened to, I won’t be the last. I’m not looking for your sympathy, I just want to have an honest conversation about it. I’ve learned the hard way that when someone close to you has cancer, people tend to tip toe around the topic while still trying to poke and prod for information. 

I’ve known for months about my Dad’s diagnosis. It’s hard to explain how many people my Dad knows but it’s more than you. If you’re sitting there thinking well not more than ME, you’re wrong. More than you. To avoid him from becoming a cancer-riddled Beatle, I decided to keep my mouth shut about his disease. The amount of people that would’ve called, texted, stopped him in the street to ask him about his illness and constantly remind him the jeopardy his mortality is in would have been too much. So I kept my mouth shut, and let him tell who he wanted to tell.  

Well today he had surgery in an effort to remove the cancer. Started out hot with the surgeon being hours late because his previous surgery had “complications”. Exactly what the guy in the on-deck circle wants to hear. Surgery went flawlessly, as far as I’m told. He looks to be in good spirits, the hospital is keeping him overnight just as a precaution. Point is, his bozo friend decided to post a picture of my Dad scoffing down Perkins with the caption “Please pray for my friend who’s having an operation today.” Idiot. 

I was getting calls, texts, social media messages from friends, co-workers, family members, and even strangers. “What happened to your Dad? Why didn’t you tell me? What’s wrong with him? Is he okay? You’re Dad has cancer?! Why didn’t you say anything? Why? Why? Why?” What we’re you going to do? Cure it? It’s not like it comes up in casual conversation. Hey what’s the parlay this weekend, oh by the way my Dadbhas cancer. If I wanted to talk about it, I would have talked about it. Because you’re not important enough to know, that’s why. 

People have been very angry with me today because my Dad has cancer. 

I get it and I don’t get it. Cancer makes people act strange, but also I would never act like that. Am I just better than everyone? 

Different strokes for different folks is what I’ve learned. Take my Mom for instance. Two nights ago when my Dad was walking the dog I served up a joke for my brother to spike on my Dad when he came back inside. To which my Mother responded “Don’t you dare! What’s wrong with you? Cancer?!” Mind you, it wasn’t a joke about cancer. It was about the new car he just bought. To which I replied, “Yeah because if there’s one thing people with cancer love, it’s being treated differently.” We didn’t do the joke. 

My Dad and I are extremely close. I’m his namesake. We’ve only talked about his cancer once. It was the night after my Mom told me his diagnosis. I brought it up driving him to the bar because I knew he didn’t want to have the conversation in front of his granddaughters who didn’t know yet. 

“Mom told me.” 

“Sucks, huh.” 

“That’s one way of putting it.” 

We talked about his doctors appointments, suggestions, and what the next step was. We fought back a few tears, he shook my knee, and I asked if he wanted to talk about it more. “Nope.” I told him if that ever changes or if something ever feels wrong to call me immediately. He agreed, and then cracked a joke about a doctor shoving a finger up his ass. 

That was it. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because he’s still relatively healthy, but most of the time I forget he even has it. We’re still in that in-between. Which is good, because for him and I that means the way we’re coping with it is working for us. 

Everyone copes differently I suppose. Some people want to talk about. Some people want to be left alone. Some people want to air it out on social media to spread awareness and receive love. Some people want to joke about having a finger up their ass. But as far as I’m concerned, if anyone not in my immediate family has an issue with how I choose to deal with this, they can kindly suck my dick. 

This Week Was A Perfect Example Of Why You Should Go To A Big Football School

This blog is in no way meant to shit on small schools. I did a small stint at Scranton. I had some of the best nights of my life there with people I cherish dearly. But going to Alabama was possibly the best decision I’ve made thus far. 

First of all money wise, especially in the south, it isn’t even close. I saved nearly 70k leaving Scranton for Alabama. Of course if your in-state you might want weigh your options, but don’t. I urge everyone choosing a school to go big. My little brother was thinking that Rowan or FDU or Ramapo route. I plead with him to get out of our little part of the world for a couple years. Unconvinced, I took him on a college tour to see campuses by day and party by night. Just him and I. We did Virginia Tech, South Carolina, Florida, Florida St., Georgia, and Alabama in about a week and a half. He was a Seminole by spring. 

If you’re a sports fan already it’s an easy sell. Do you know how much I paid for my student ticket package at Alabama? $75. It included every single home game and a free first come first serve approach for away games. 

Nothing fired me up like walking to class on a Friday seeing them starting to set up the tents on the quad for Saturday’s showdown. Passing guys that I would be drafting on my fantasy team the following year on my way to sociology. And the games my goodness, there’s no describing it. Nerves despite a perfect record. Screaming your head off despite losing your voice. Losing your ever loving mind for touchdowns and turnovers. Then win or lose, we booze. Luckily in my case, we rarely lost. 

But even if you aren’t into sports, something will happen to you. Whether it’s camaraderie, protecting your investment, or just an excuse to drink, you will become a fan. The culture will swallow you up. There’s a sense of pride that you wear going to a big football school. Nobody talks shit about your small private college, there’s no reason to? But when you go to an Alabama or a Michigan or whatever, you have to constantly defend your program. You will find yourself drunk in a bar screaming at a stranger with a finger in their face over the state of your team. It’s inevitable. I had a friend who went to Alabama, didn’t give a fuck about football. Didn’t know a quarterback from an offensive lineman, told me she planned on selling all her tickets. I can still see all 5’2” of her screaming with her eyes bulging out, “BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!! KILL! KILL!”

Then you graduate, and you’re very very sad. 

Until football rolls back around. You dust off your lucky hat, throw on a jersey and socks with your school’s emblem and verbally assault a TV. It’s just like you remember it. The passion is still very much alive. 

Look at this last week. We have programs throwing parades for their newly hired messiahs. Grown adults treating an ex-coach like a terrorist for releasing a photo of him flipping the bird. Michigan snuffing Ohio St.’s dreams after a ten year losing streak. Then 100k people stormed the Big House to dance on their graves. Bedlam was, well, Bedlam and OK St. quite literally ran Lincoln Riley out of town. I had to watch the Iron Bowl with shock paddles on standby as Alabama and Auburn went to quadruple overtime. I was screaming to let me suit up. The anger and heat inside me truly convinced me believe I could plug our right side of the OLine. Thankfully, Alabama broke the streak of five home teams winning in a row to keep their playoff hopes alive. 

This shits for life. I mean, so are the loans but totally worth it. 

If you’re just graduating high school, get out there. Your hometown isn’t going anywhere. There’s no cure for a hangover quite like sweating in a stadium filled with 100k people. If you’re at a small school, leave. Coaches leave on ten minutes notice, athletes enter the transfer portal, there’s no reason engineer majors can’t pull the same stunt. If you graduated from a big school, I’ll see you in the rear view. If you graduated from a small school, you fucked up.