The Stupidest Game I Ever Created

It started with my little brother and I. Every time he would do a tiny favor for me, I’d smile and say “That’s a good little bitch.” It would make him so mad that he’d throw shit, hit me, return the drink I’d ask him to get, whatever. His reaction made me think I was on to something, so I started doing it to my friends too. 

My friends hated it just as much as my brother. They hated it so much that both them and my brother tried getting me to be their good little bitch. The problem with that was, we all stopped doing favors for each other, no matter how big or small. So if someone asked me to pass the remote, or ask for a ride, or anything, I’d say “alright as long as you don’t say it.” Thus, The Good Little Bitch Game was born. 

The gist is of the game is easy. Ask someone for a favor and when they do it, call them a good little bitch. There’s only two rules: 1) if the person you ask the favor of says “Can’t say it” then you can’t call them a GLB, 2) If someone calls you a good little bitch successfully, you can’t undo the favor. 

The more out of their way someone goes for you, the sweeter the “good little bitch” tastes coming off your tongue. Small ones are fun, “hey can you grab me a beer” is a good one and normally gets a good reaction. But the bigger fish, when someone is being a genuinely good person towards you, there’s no describing that feeling of calling them your good little bitch. You’ll feel it. Your mouth will start to water as you plead to God asking him not to let them say “can’t say it”. Your friends will start to whisper to you “Oh my God you’re going to Good Little Bitch him, aren’t you?” And then you ruin their fucking week. 

The best one I ever executed involved a friend driving me to the airport at 5:00 in the morning. He told me he couldn’t at first and I started to rattle off everything I ever did for him. I wore him down and he agreed to take home. He called his work and told them he was going to be a little late that day, they were not pleased. He woke up at 430ish and with sleep still in his eye, pulled up to my cul-de-sac around 5ish. He rolled down the window and said, “Get in, I hate you.” I sat down like I was being crowned king of the world, “That’s a good little bitch.” Woke up my whole damn neighborhood punching his steering wheel, hurtling every insult you could imagine in my direction. I just smiled and said, “Drive.”  

Thank you has been eradicated from my vocabulary. My friends traded “thank yous” for stabbing someone in the soul. It’s caught on too. I can confidently say that The Good Little Bitch Game is being played in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Colorado. Try it out the next time someone extends their humanity to you, see how it feels. Just be ready to duck. 

Best Instagram Stories Of The Week

These are real people who posted these real stories without an ounce of embarrassment. I don’t know, I have 30 first cousins so I was made fun of a lot. The insults hurt worse than the wedgies, but it gave me a strong sense of self-awareness. Every day I see Instagram Stories that make me cringe. They’re these weird quotes with artsy or all black backgrounds. I was planning on collecting these for a week, but this is just today’s haul. 

“They’re not supposed to understand you. You’re a different breed.” - Guy I know who spent three years in jail. He got out and still gets into fights at the bar at almost 30 years old. He’s right, I don’t understand him.

“‘Whats your favorite place?’ I don’t have a favorite place, I have favorite people. Wherever we go becomes my favorite place.” - Girl who didn’t understand the assignment. I hope you and your people find yourselves in a Russian prison. Have fun at your new favorite place!

“Work so hard that everyone’s biggest flex is that they know you.”- Former coworker who didn’t work hard at all. He stayed in Tuscaloosa after he graduated to be a bouncer for $11/hr. I don’t blame him, but he didn’t stay there for a bouncing career. 

“Listen. Smile. Agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” -Very on brand for girl with four kids with four different fathers. I can’t tell if she has no sense of irony or a firm grasp on it. If it’s the latter, I’d throw her number five. 

“People brag about their drinking skills like it’s something impressive. Want to impress me? Try not drinking, sitting with your feelings, and improving your life.” - Guy who brags about how much coke he can do every weekend. His selling point is telling people how much more you can drink on it. 

Do people my age not understand that these cheesy posts are the equivalent of their moms putting those cursive “Live. Laugh. Love.” stickers up in their living room? This type of shit is exactly why we’re getting torched on Tik Tok. No one finds you wise or inspirational. We think you’re weird and dramatic. Maybe it’s a “ignorance is bliss” situation and I’ve got this all wrong. But I highly doubt that. 

Wrigley Falls

I think every baseball fan rooted for the Cubs with the exception of White Sox fans and division rivals. The Cubbies and the Red Sox had pretty equal length droughts. But where the Sox were loud, red-faced, angry drunks, the Cubs had an “aww shucks” kind of attitude. But now that they won a World Series they’re not the Loveable Losers, they’re just losers. 

After a short stint in first place, the Cubs are blowing it up. If Twitters to be believed, they’ve had preliminary talks of trading Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, Kyle Hendricks, Craig Kimbrel, Javy Baez, Wilson Contreras, and Zach Davies. Plus they’ve already traded Andrew Chafin and Joc Pederson. 

I can’t say I blame them. It’s probably better to trade early than it is late. According to MLB.com, they have four prospects in the Top 100. But they’re not as attractive as the Chicago prospects of old. Like during their World Series run when they had Eloy Jiminez, Dylan Cease, Gleyber Torres, and Wilson Contreras waiting in the wings. Which of course they mostly gave up for Jose Quintana and half a season of Aroldis Chapman. 

It’s just crazy to me. Do you understand how young they were when they won a World Series? Kris Bryant 24, Anthony Rizzo 26, Javy Baez 23, Addison Russell 22, Kyle Schwarber 23, Kyle Hendricks 26. I swore that they were going to run the league for the next decade.

I’m a Yankees fan and I’m in a groupchat with a Mets and Sox fan. I know it sounds like a setup for a bad joke, but we talk baseball every day. Do you know how insufferable one of us would be if any of our teams won with a core group of guys that young? I thought we were on the precipice of witnessing baseball’s next dynasty. 

Was it all worth it? Of course, they won a World Series. To Cubs fans, I’m sorry. Try and find some solace in the old Facebook status adage, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” It just goes to show how strange baseball is. It’s sad to see it play out in real time. Reminiscent of the Thanos meme. Because for the Cubs, Rome WAS built in a day, and it lasted just as long. 

Actually Good Recommendations To Get You To Start Reading

I started reading when I was young because I was nosy and impatient. I didn’t like waiting for the next Harry Potter movie to out come to learn what happens. So I read the books. I was drunk with power. People came to me begging for spoilers, or clarifications on the Wizarding World, I became an expert. And a monster. If someone pissed me off I could end their childhood by telling them Dumbledore died before they could see it for themselves on the big screen. 

My friends made fun of me a lot for reading. We were more into sports, and girls, and lighting bags of shit on fire in front of peoples houses at the time. But I always brought a book to a sleepover. If we were doing a Madden tournament, I’d read while I waited for my game. Or I’d go to bed later or wake up earlier than everyone to get to my next chapter. I caught some flak. Luckily for me, I was bigger and much meaner than all my friends. They learned quickly to leave me alone when I’m reading. 

But not everyone had that luxury. I’m sure many of you were discouraged from reading because it was weird, or nerdy, or everyone you know is just dicks. But there’s a case to be made for reading. 

Everyone watches shows. It’s one of the first things in that you ask a stranger now to try and relate. “What shows do you watch?” Imagine someone said none? Ew. Books are just portable shows. That’s all it is. Not to sound like that prentious prick but the book is always better than the show. And rightfully so. There’s no restrictions, or time limits to tell the story. There’s less censoring. More freedom to see the world the way you picture it. With just the slightest bit of imagination you can open yourself up to the best and oldest form of entertainment. 

By my own admission, most of my friends would hate this blog. But as we get older more of them come to me for recommendations. Public transportation commutes will do that to you. If you’re one of those select few, you’re in luck.

To start you off, I’m going to only recommend SciFi/Fantasy. A genre that used to be laughed at. But all these superhero movies and Game Of Thrones have done wonders to rid that stink. Everyone watched Thrones. I’m sure you know at least five people that made you go “Wait, YOU watch Game Of Thrones?!” It opened a lot of people’s mind to accepting categories that they used to make fun of. 

It isn’t lost on me that it’s easy to get distracted while reading. Or it could sometimes feel mundane. These SciFi/ Fantasy books grab your attention right away and won’t let go. I chose books I feel like many people don’t know about or haven’t been adapted into a movie or TV show. 

Without further adieu…

6. The Fifth Season by N.K. Jeminson

In the distant future of what I assume is still Earth, the world is consumed by natural disasters. Massive earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis are constantly changing the landscape of civilizations. They rise and fall with the seasons. The more wealthy cities can maintain their power and presence with the help of orogenes. People who are born with the power of orogeney can manipulate kinetic and thermal energies to prevent seismic events. But instead of being regarded for their powers, they’re treated as less than human. 

The Fifth Season has you follow three women orogenes at vastly different stages in their lives. Damaya, a teenager who just learned of her powers and was taken from her family to be properly trained as a puppet for her society. Syenite in her twenties is being apprenticed by the most powerful orogene, who are both forced to breed with each other. And Essun, a 42 year old mother who found her four-year-old son murdered by her loving husband. Now she hunts him down in the midst of an apparent apocalypse. 

I’ll be honest I’m still reading this one, but I have a sneaky suspicion that all three women are the same person. We’ll just have to wait and see how smart I am. This book is the first of a trilogy. All three books won the Hugo Award for best sci-fi/fantasy which is unfucking heard of. 

5. Night Circus by Erin Morganstern 

In the early 1900s, two magicians from two very different schools of learning make a wager on who’s form of magic is superior. They agree to raise two children to battle each other in mystical traveling circus. 

Night Circus follows the lives of Marco and Celia, who are unaware that their lives were created for the sole purpose of a magical duel. Only the winner can come out of this alive. There’s only one issue, they fall in love. 

4. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

The most excitement in Robert Mayhew’s life is his move from Scotland to London. He’s got a boring job, a shitty boss, and a bitchy fiancé. That all changes when he stops to help a crying bloody girl on the sidewalk. 
He meets Door, royalty from London Below. Door’s family has the power to make portals appear to travel anywhere in the world. All of them have been murdered except her. Now she’s enlisted Robert to help her get her revenge while dodging her assassins through London Below. London Below, London’s secret magical underground that’s filled with mythical beast hunters, rat worshippers, and evil angels alike. Robert is just a regular ass dude and doesn’t see the part he has to play in this fantastical adventure. 
3. Three Body Problem by Liu CixinThis former Hugo Award winner caught my eye when it was described to me as the most realistic alien invasion out there. That, coupled with Obama labeling it as a must read. It made me think that the President was giving me a blueprint for what’s actually out there. It’s lengthy though, lengthier than this blog if you could believe it. 
This story takes place in flashbacks and flash forwards to modern day. During China’s Cultural Movement in the late sixties, Ye Wenjie witnesses her father being murdered by the government. Her mother and sister support the execution but Ye condemns it. She’s labeled a traitor and sent to a labor camp where she’s later recruited for a top secret assignment due to her physics expertise. She makes contact with aliens who warn her not to respond or Earth will be invaded and destroyed. She responds explicitly for that reason. 
In modern day, nanotechnologist Wang Miao is recruited by local police to help with the murders of top scientists. Wang knows somehow that this video game everyone is playing has something to do with the disappearances. Teamed up with local detective, Yang Dong, they infiltrate the secret society inviting a deadly alien invasion. The world is split between people fighting the upcoming invasion and those welcoming it. 
2. Magicians by Lev GrossmanThis book is like Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia combined. That is, if all the students were fucking, murdering, and doing a shit ton of drugs. Magicians explores the land of Fillory and a newfound young magician’s obsession with it’s lore and power. After attending Breakbills College of Magical Pedagogy, Quentin Coldwater enlists his friends to find the mythical storybook land that he read about as a child. But it isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, it’s fucking dark as shit. 
I know it’s a TV show and I said I wouldn’t do that, but I’m pretty positive no one watched it. Syfy produced it. I was obsessed with this series and I couldn’t even make it through two episodes. 
1. Hyperion by Dan SimmonsThis is probably my favorite book I ever read and I’ve never met a single person who’s heard of it. Dan Simmons creates this complex universe with intricacies that make you feel like you’ve lived there all your life. This level of world building is paralleled only to maybe George RR Martin. 
Thousands of years in the future, seven pilgrims take the journey to the planet of Hyperion because one of them has the best chance to stop the mythical Shrike. The Time Tombs that held the immortal killing godlike creature are deteriorating. Both religious prophecy and super computer confirm these random people from all walks of life have the best chance to stop the universal apocalypse. But only one will stop the Shrike and undo the tragedy in their life, the rest of them are walking to their deaths. 
The pilgrims are made up of a priest, a disgraced war hero, a drunk poet, a nature Templar, a Jewish scholar and his infant daughter, a private investigator, and a government official. Each one tells their story of why they took the journey on the way to the Time Tombs and why they risk their lives in front of the Shrike. With each passing tale, it becomes more and more difficult to figure out who you are rooting for to be the last one standing. 
Dan Simmons does an unbelievable job in painting planets with their different properties and histories. While still acknowledging “Old Earth” and where humanity stemmed from. His foresight for future technologies is genius. Houses that have portals for doors that result in each room being on a different planet. Robots that have the memories and live the lives of humanity’s most famous artists, philosophers, and leaders. Hyperion is really unmatched. 
I’ve been dying for this series to be adapted into screen. The good news is that apparently Bradley Cooper in love with the Hyperion Cantos and is determined to get it done. _____________________________________________
If you’re just starting out reading, it’s important to stay engaged. So if someone recommends a classic to you, they’re an idiot. I’ve read the Mark Twains, and the Sherlock Holmes, and the Oscar Wildes. They’re all great books, they’ve held up this long for a reason. But it’s better to work yourself up to them. Go for something more recent. 
Or maybe you’re not just starting out reading. In which case, you’re welcome for these. Thank me later. 

The Truth About Nick Saban And The NFL

During this year’s SEC Media Day, the subject of Nick Saban’s tenure as Miami Dolphins Head Coach once again came to the forefront. All because he blamed the doctor who didn’t pass Drew Brees’ physical for his departure. This is what happens when you run a perfect program, people try to make headlines out of things that happened 14 years ago. That’s fine, it’s one of my favorite drunken arguments. Nick Saban wasn’t a good NFL Head Coach, he was a great one. 

Whenever I tell people from the northeast that I went to Alabama and I’m a Tide fan their first defense mechanism is normally “Yeah well Saban sucked in the NFL.” Oh yeah? Let’s break it down. 

Under Dave Wannstedt and Jim Bates the 2004 Dolphins went 4-12. Coming off a National Championship, Nick Saban took his talents to South Beach and improved the Dolphins to 9-7 in his debut season. +5 wins with the same scrubs who just finished in last place the year prior. If that doesn’t impress you, how’s this for a fun fact: Only two NFL Coaches have the privilege of saying that they shut out Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. Nick Saban is one of them, and he did it with fucking Joey Harrington under center.

Now people are acting like Saban is some evil mastermind for blaming this poor innocent doctor. The “fall guy.” Are we fucking kidding? We’re just going to pretend like this doctor wasn’t the most wrong person of all time? Saban recruited Drew Brees, the doctor failed him, and the organization decided to go with Daunte Caulpepper instead. Culpepper lasted four games throwing 929 yards with 2 TDs and 3 INTs. Saban used Joey Harrington and Cleo Lemmon the rest of the year and still managed to go 6-10. 

Drew Brees on the other hand, went on to have his first First-Team All-Pro season. He threw for 4418 yards with 26 TDs to 11 INTs. Not to mention, he attended 12 more Pro Bowls and now dons a Super Bowl ring. As of today, he’s first all time in Passing Yards and second all time in Passing Touchdowns. So who was right? Nick Saban or the doctor who “doesn’t know his ass from a handful of sand”?

Nick Saban looked at his friend, equal, and division rival, Bill Bilichick, and saw a man who worked for an organization that put all of their faith in him. Bill had the keys to the kingdom as Head Coach/GM. That doctor’s decision made one thing very clear to Nick Saban, the Dolphin’s didn’t trust his judgement. Saban’s departure wasn’t a coaching issue, it was trust issues. He went to Alabama because they offered him the opportunity of full control, and thus, a dynasty was born. Could’ve been you Miami. And I’ll tell you what, I’ll love that dumbass, stupid ass, idiot doctor forever for it.

Bugs Bunny Murdered LeBron

To no one’s surprise, Space Jam: A New Legacy was pretty much poop. It wasn’t awful, it was just meh. The problem is, if you’re reading this, this Space Jam wasn’t meant for you. Or me. It was an attempt to give preteens the same future nostalgia that we hold for the original. Every critique I’ve seen has been a bit overkill. Yes the plugs were shameless, LeBron’s acting was atrocious, and it was a bit messy, but it’s a kid’s movie. The children’s humor is exactly where this movie redeemed itself. 

Looney Tunes always plays. It doesn’t matter what age you are, what gender, probably doesn’t even matter if you understand the language. Running into mountain paintings, TNT, and falling pianos are funny. But the looniest of all, the one who shines brightest under the lights, is Bugs Bunny. And he absolutely torched Bron. 

There will be spoilers from here on out if you haven’t watched yet. 

When LeBron first finds himself in Tune World, Bugs shows him the ropes of his new cartoon self. After they run a truck off a bridge, they find themselves in Bugs’ infamous barber chair. Bugs asks LeBron what he’s doing in Tune World. “Torn meniscus? Midlife crisis? Ran out of teams to play for?” Jesus Bugs, slow down. This man has a family. Within five seconds he cut Bron at the knees. Torn meniscus = LeBron’s fake mid season injuries to take a break. During the midlife crisis line he’s checking LeBron’s hairline in a double mirror. A hairline, mind you, that Warner Bros was more than generous about. And then the killshot, “Ran out of teams to play for?” That one is self explanatory, “…not five, not six, not seven!” 

But he didn’t stop there. LeBron met the first front office that he couldn’t control. LeBron is notorious for playing GM and creating super teams. The Server-Verse was no different. This was the team that he was planning on recruiting- Superman, King Kong, Trinity, Batman, and Iron Giant. Classic. What he got was a handful of basketball players like Foghorn Leghorn, Granny, Roadrunner, Yosemite Sam, and one hooper in Lola Bunny. When LeBron started to protest, Bugs literally said to him, “This ain’t the Miami Heat you know.” 

Without a doubt my favorite insult to LeBron came when they went recruiting in DC World. It becomes clear that when you enter a new world, you’re assigned characterization based on your true self. Like how LeBron donned Hufflepuff robes when passing Harry Potter World. But when he landed in DC, LeBron took on the roll of none other than…. Robin. After all these years, Skip Bayless was right. 

Tune Squad wins in the end. LeBron takes the winning dunk, surprise surprise. But they only draw up one play the whole game. The most clutch shot of the game that would glitch the system and rob the villain of his powers, and it went to Bugs. LeBron with the fate of the universe on the line, gave up the shot to his teammate. Bugs gave his life, to allow LeBron to take the last shot. That’s true leadership. 

Like I said, pretty much poop. It’s not going to the Oscars or anything. But it’s certainly worth watching. Go for the LeBron hate, stay for Bugs Bunny. 

Surviving Your Shore House Part 2

Unfortunately Labor Day creeps closer and closer. You have 47 days to make your memories and mistakes. Part one was a resounding success so I figured I’d release a part two to get you over the finish line as painlessly as possible. 

1. Know Your Offers And Restrictions

No matter which way you slice it, this is going to be an expensive summer. Be smart with where your money goes. Obviously everyone knows that Bar A has Beat The Clock on Tuesdays. But knowing that getting there before 8:00 saves you the $10 cover is better. With that ten bucks you just saved, you now bought yourself a free 20 beers in that first hour. Uber spikes at peak hours, everyone knows that. Knowing what the Wally is, is better. I took a Wally last weekend to and from Spring Lake to Point Pleasant. We fit 20 people comfortably and paid $7 each both ways. 

Alas, it’s not all deals and rainbows. I spoke in Part One about avoiding peeing in public at all costs. Know your surroundings. You don’t want to find yourself in the negative over stupid fines. Like I did last weekend. I was unaware that there was no parking on Ocean Ave in Spring Lake from 3am-6am. They win this time. But it’s important to spread the word to avoid your friends making the same mistake. 

2. Eat Dinner As A House

Camaraderie is an important part of the summer. You’re basically playing two reality shows at once: Jersey Shore and Survivor. Keep good with your tribe.  Pizza and chicken fingers will get you through the summer. But my house every now and then made sure to do a hibachi trip or a big homemade Italian dinner. When in Rome. It’s a simple concept but it leads to less stupid squabbles in the house. 

3. Don’t Get Hung Up On A Transplant

Transplants are people who visit for a weekend or two but don’t have a house themselves. I had a buddy of mine hit off with a roomate’s friend who was visiting from the West Village. She was taking his jokes in stride and giving them back darker than he dished them. She spent the night in his room. Despite my best efforts, he added her on Instagram the day after she left. We’ve all caught him DMing her but we don’t know for sure what the contents of the conversation are. I can’t prove it, but I know he’s asking her when she’s coming back every weekend. He’s hung up on a transplant and it’s caused him to sulk at the bars. She’s not coming back little buddy. 

4. Don’t Be Afraid To Admit You Need A Break

There’s always that one asshole who’s calling you a bitch for skipping the bars that night. I know, cause it’s normally me. Hangovers get stronger as the years go on. I could probably do a whole section on making sure you have your hangover cure each weekend. But a breather is vital for the long haul. There’s no shame in having sober fun to reset your brain. Go to a boardwalk, win a jersey, ride a rollercoaster, play some mini golf. Whatever you need to do to get back in the fight. 

5. Don’t Hookup With A Roomate

Every shore house I’ve rented has been coed. Every shore house I’ve rented had a couple blossom from being roommates. It’s a terrible idea. It immediately turns the house into a game of Battle Of The Sexes. You two will fight, that’s a guarantee. For the culture. Either someone will hit on her or him and all hell will break loose. It becomes a spite fest of who’s going out without who and sexing up a dance floor with strangers. It forces all the guys to have the guy’s back and all the girls to take the girl’s side. One of you will cry, often times it’s both. There’s no room for emotions at the Jersey Shore. 

Again, enjoy yourselves, that’s what you’re there for. There are going to be nights where you make mistakes and wake up ashamed. Don’t be discouraged, that means you’re doing it right. When all else fails, remember, there’s always next weekend. 

Things That Shouldn’t Make Me Feel Morally Superior, But Do

It’s easy to be hard on yourself in today’s world. We’ve structured a society based on likes, dislikes, and retweets. There’s a clear path to getting a big head. Every action you take can potentially be globally displayed for the entire world to condemn or applaud. Going viral works both ways. 

I’m not always the best person, I know that. I think mean things are funny and tragedy is best paired with comedy. I occasionally wonder if that’s immoral, and sometimes need reminding that I’m not a bad person. Luckily for me I’m both very persuasive and easily impressionable. Which makes talking to myself a piece of cake. 

Here is a list of five things that make me feel morally superior that probably shouldn’t. In no particular order.

1. Tipping 20% For Takeout

The workers know they don’t deserve it. They don’t do nearly as much service as say a server or bartender. But I being a merciful lord, obliged. When I walk out I stare down everyone in line, judging them for not tipping like I did. Even though I have no idea if they did or not.

2. Asking People If They Want Me To Take A Picture

This is like my corny dad training wheels. If I see a group of people taking a picture I immediately ask the person sacrificing themself as the photographer if they need me to step in. No one has ever said no, it’s too awkward at that point. I get showered in “awww thank you’s.”

3. Wearing A Condom

I walk around like a Knight at the round table when I accept the request to use a condom. I put up no fuss, no argument, no complaints. If that’s what you need m’lady, say no more. I’ll sacrifice two thirds of my pleasure meter and tack it right on to the morality one. 

4. Visiting My Gradparents

I hate myself for this one. But it’s true. I used to be a lot better at visiting my grandparents weekly. With work and stuff it’s been less frequent. But when I do go, I make them laugh, bring them coffee and doughnuts, and break up the mundane cycle of couch, meal, bedtime, couch, meal, bedtime. I have an air about me after spending a measly hour or so there. My mom can feel it when I’ve went. She knows she can’t say shit to me for at least two days. 

5. Letting People Go When I’m Driving

This could be someone looking to cross the road or possibly coming out of a side street before a traffic light. Please, before you. No allow me. Then I wave them on emphatically and put on a cheesy smile. Theres a fine line with this one though. If you don’t wave, acknowledging my kindness, my foot trembles over the gas. It’s never come to anything drastic, but I have screamed “YOU’RE WELCOME DICKHEAD!”

I still have a lot of catching up to do to tip the scales in my favor. Is this enough to get me into heaven? Probably not explicitly, but it’s a tally in the right column. 

 

Indian Doctor Buys Fake Magic Genie Lamp For 93k

I mean this with the most sincerity, I love dumb people so much. I want to meet this guy so bad to give him a hug and laugh in his face. I’d hope he’d laugh with me, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Look, I desperately wish magic was real too, but I wouldn’t put a ninety-three thousand dollar wager on it. 

Dr. Laeek Khan reported the deception to the police once he realized his three wishes for power, good fortune, and riches were never coming. I’m not sure if anyone has ever had their tail more tucked walking into a police station. You can’t just say someone stole 93k from you without explaining how they did it. There’s not enough professionalism in the world for the police to keep a straight face while taking that report. 

Poor Khan was treating what he believed to be the tricksters’ ailing mother. During his visits the sons would tell him stories of the magic lamp and have him meet with an occultist priest. During their sales pitch for the lamp, the con men appeared to make a genie ascend out of the lamp. A performance so well done, that it cost Dr. Kahn seven million rupees. 

How did they pull it off? Did they have fog machines and mirrors and strobe lights? They had to knock their mark’s socks off. How about the regular random guy who had to act like a magical genie. I can’t get over how funny that scene must’ve been. How was he dressed? Did he act like a silly genie like the one from Aladdin? Was their a musical number involved? Or was he a more stern jinn like from Islamic folklore? 

I’d pay 93k to be a fly on the wall to watch Dr. Khan trying to get the lamp to work. How many times do you think he rubbed the lamp before he gave up? Did he try different stroke techniques? Was he in a room by himself hiding it from his family? I can’t imagine his wife took the news too well. I can’t even fathom admitting defeat here. The shame that would build up would be enough to kill me. He was probably sweating realizing what he’d done. 

The lamp salesmen were arrested which is kind of bullshit. If you can convince someone to buy a magic lamp it shouldn’t be illegal. Not in this case anyway. This was a learned doctor who should have known better. Makes me a little nervous about what they’re teaching med students in Indian. My doctor is going to have some explaining to do before the next time I cough for him. 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.aljazeera.com/amp/news/2020/11/2/indian-doctor-duped-into-buying-aladdins-lamp-for-93000

No Shower Sundays

Back in ancient times, around 2014, my friends and I introduced the world to No Shower Sundays. It began as a way to watch football together without fear of judgement. It didn't matter if you showed up in last night's clothes, how you looked, or sometimes, even how you smelled. Saturdays were for the boys, but more often than not we extended the deadline. Especially during football.

No Shower Sundays has since blossomed into a creed. In many cultures Sundays are a day for reflection. NSS is now a day for us to bask in our mistakes. Feel how much of a slimeball you were over the weekend. Smell your regret. Because come Monday, you need to rinse that all away and start over. The person during the weekend is washed away by the week. Start anew. 

Today, my No Shower Sunday is really testing me. I scroll through highlights on Twitter forcing myself to confront the amount of money I lost. The burn in my throat from throwing up on the front lawn still feels fresh on the esophagus. Memories of flirting with my buddy's little sister last night flash across my brain. I'll wear that today, for the sake of Sunday. All of this in the midst of my Dad canceling his drive up to the Catskills. I made the mistake of assuming my shame would be my own today. Wrong, my dad has come into my room about seven times to tell me how ashamed he is. Still I learn, still I grow, for I know Monday, my insecurities will be lost down the shower drain. 

I don't know who came up with No Shower Sunday, but I do know that I like to take credit for it a lot. I’ve spread it to at least five different states through college visits and roomates. In all fairness, I might have created it. If you feel the need to escape the sins you made, baptize yourself in your decisions. This weekend was not a reflection of who you are as a person. Remember, cringing is only the muscles flexing on the haters.  

On House Sitting Etiquette

I’m at the age where I should have my own place, but I don’t. So people like to act like they’re doing me a favor by pimping me out to watch their dogs, water their plants, and take their mail in while they galavant on some beach. In exchange, I get to pretend like I have my own house for a week or so. I’m doing it right now. I’m writing this from a couch that doesn’t belong to me. But what are the rules?

Like the other 99% of the world, I really like dogs. What I don’t like is dogs that come with a lot of rules, or shit all over the place. The house I’m at right now comes with a dog that has anxiety issues. He’s Gen Z so it plays. If I need to leave the house, I have to load up his dish with food, CBD oil, and mix it all up with cooked bacon grease. I have to perform witchcraft just to get to my car. I didn’t do it one time. I went to a gas station literally 0.4 miles from where I’m staying. I needed cigarettes and a Gatorade, 7 minute mission tops. When I came back to the house, I smelled it immediately. The dog had literally busted down the owner’s bedroom door and shit all over their carpet. And not just like a steaming pile, no no no. It was a tornado of diarrhea. It looked like the dog was chasing its tail while it’s asshole was just a running faucet. I don’t do poop well. I ESPECIALLY don’t do poop well when I’m hungover. I tied a t-shirt around my face like a bandit and put deodorant on the cloth where my nose would be. Didn’t help, I threw up twice. Took me an hour and a half to clean up. I looked up the local dog hotel, $55 a night. If you know your dog needs 24/7 attention, do a place that can give it to them. Or atleast a place that can just hose down tile after their inevitable tantrum. 

Dog hotels can add up, I get that. That’s why you called me. But if you’re know I’m saving you money, make it up elsewhere. A gallon of iced tea and a thirty wouldn’t have broken the bank. When I tell you I have nothing where I’m at, I mean it’s barren. “Ghandi ate more than this.” Not a single drink. Not an exaggeration, I think they took them all with them. I’ve been Doordashing drinks to myself whenever I’m thirsty because the last time I went to the gas station it left too many scars. Stack the fridge. 

That’s my suggestions for the host, have a reasonable pet and fill the refrigerator. But us guests are not without fault. 

Most people asking you to watch their house will tell you right away if you can have people over or not. If you’re in your late teens/early twenties, go crazy. It’s their fault for asking you. But at my age it’s too strange to throw a banger. There’s not enough years between the owner and I for me to take advantage of them. I’m a peer, I have to at least pretend like I’m a grown up. 

With that being said, there’s an exception. Should you have sex in the house you were sworn to protect? Of course. IF I have my own place to go and IF I’ve pulled off convincing a girl to have sex with me, then the stars are too aligned for me not to pull the trigger. Fret not, I struggle with those two “ifs” more than any. But in the event that you come home and the sheets are changed, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Besides, I doubt my four minutes of missionary and two minutes of doggy is going to leave it’s mark. 

You should change the sheets anyway. If you’re a weirdo who sleeps in other peoples’ beds. I crash on the couch if I’m watching a house, I just can’t do it. Too weird. Point is, no one expects you to be a maid, but clean up after yourself. Air fryer, dishes, beds, towels, and hopefully food and drink are all at your disposal. If you use it, clean it up. It’s simple and it should go without saying, but it’ll go a long way. 

Hosts, don’t ask for too much. Guests, just don’t be a pig. And neither of you ever ask the other one questions about what happened while they were gone. If either party goes too far, just take it on the chin, both of you know you desperately need this. 

The Evolution Of Saying Happy Birthday

In my day, when someone had a birthday, you got them some Geoffrey Bucks and called it a day. Maybe your Grandma left you a song on your answering machine. Nowadays, birthdays have taken on a brownie point system and regurgitation of social media posts. 

Posting its your birthday is like saying happy birthday to yourself. To be fair, some people always have said happy birthdays themselves. Some little pricks used to bring in Dunkin Donuts munchkins to walk around the school to hand out to the other teachers. Fools, whole lot of them. Pocket the munchkins for you and your friends for lunch. But no, you had to parade around the entire school with your little ribbon so every teacher and every grade could say happy birthday to you. Instagram stories have since replaced munchkins. And instead of third graders, it’s grown men and women. 

Your friend posts a story of you for your birthday, fine, I can live with that. But this trend of reposting every single story of someone saying Happy Birthday to you is depraved. You’re siphoning other peoples’ stories to create your own mega “look how many people tell me happy birthday” story. The captions are ruthlessly cheesy. Don’t even get me started on the one friend who posts seven times in a row with one word on each picture, “Happy…Birthday…Babe…Let’s…Get…Fucking…Wasted!”

But you have to play along. Because if you don’t, it’s a whole thing. Nobody wants a whole thing. If somebody posted a story for your birthday you’ll be excommunicated for not returning the favor. 

Not that it matters but I have to defeat those mega stories whenever they pop up on my feed. 30 of those little dots on top of the screen and I tap tap tap real quick without stopping to check a single tribute. It shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does. It’ll never stop unless we all agree to pick a year to make it end. Or we all grow up, but that doesn’t seem too promising. 

I’m not saying handwrite a hallmark card, I’m not  a nutcase. All I’m saying is, there’s nothing wrong with a simple text. You don’t have to dress it up with a memory or some quip, just “happy birthday.” People have been doing it for centuries, it’ll suffice. That’s it, nothing more nothing less. Unless of course you find Geoffrey Bucks, then always send the Geoffrey Bucks. 

I Don’t Know What Lightning Is

As I was heading into work the other night, Disney’s newest marketing ploy, Hurricane Elsa, was out on full display in my little one square mile town. The sky couldn’t last more than three seconds without showing off it’s lightning skills. Normally it’s something I glance over. Brush it off as a nuisance or an excuse to stay inside. But since it was inevitable to face during my commute, I looked at the lightning, like really looked at it. That’s when I realized, I have no idea what lightning is. 

It’s easy to understand why civilizations of old created stories to explain the world’s phenomena. I got a C on every science class I ever took but I still have a better grasp on the subject than anyone from 1,000 years ago. Zeus at war with Titans, Thor wielding Mjölnir, or Raijin striking his mighty drum are just as reasonable as any interpretation I have. 

This is what I’ve got: it’s like sky electricity? How does it happen? No idea. Where does it come from? The ground I think, even though it looks like it comes from the sky. Not sure where I picked that up but I’m pretty confident about it. That’s about it, sprinkle a little something about Ben Franklin and that’s the extent of my knowledge. I’m sure somewhere along the line I learned about it in school, it didn’t stick. 

I brought it to my group chat. I knew I was being an idiot and getting roasted by my friends on my own terms keeps me grounded. Problem was, no one could give me a good answer to what it was. We have Wall Street guys, engineers, teachers, and accountants alike in my chat and no one could give me anything concrete. The best guess was “I think it’s energies colliding?” Ok but what energies, and where did this newfound energy come from? Back to square one. 

Now that I’m more awake, if I think about it, the rain probably creates some sort of static friction that then…what? Opens up the ground for homicidal electricity spears that reach the skies? I don’t know. Someone knows, and they think a lot less of me. But if you act like electric currents that shoot up to the clouds that looks really cool but also sometimes murders people when it’s shitty out is an easy concept to wrap your head around, then you’re the dickhead. I refuse to look it up. Please no one tell me. Sometimes I like to go back to my roots and let the mystery be. 

Mike Hughes Blows Chunks And Coverage

https://youtu.be/z8_zF9WRhsk

The Vikings recently traded their former 2018 first round pick, Mike Hughes, to the Chiefs for a sixth rounder. Now police dash cam footage has been released of Mike Hughes throwing up in the back seat of Jayron Kearse’s car during the middle of a DWI stop. 

Jayron bombed the field sobriety test. There’s no fooling the HGN test. That’s the “follow my finger test”. If you’ve been boozing, your eyes will vibrate back and forth while they look side to side. It’s because the muscles behind your eyeballs are loosened from the alcohol and give the impression of twitching like the second hand on a clock. It’s freaky looking, try it on your friends. So I imagine the HGN plus the abysmal heel to toe walk was enough to breathalyze Jayron. While all this is going on, you can see Mike Hughes open the back door twice to throw up. 

Hughes wasn’t driving, which is good, but still definitely a bad look. You can’t throw up in the back of your friends car and then go on to only play four games in 2020, giving up 12 receptions on 16 targets. You can’t blow chunks and coverage. 

Let he without sin cast the first stone. During my top 3 worst moments of being me, I threw up in my buddy’s car in 2014. It was the SEC championship, Alabama vs. Mizzou. My friends went into the stadium for the game and I went to a Biergarten by myself in Atlanta. In my defense, I was supposed to go out in Atlanta with my cousin but he called me drunk at 4am that morning saying “he thinks he’s sick.” Sure pal. Well I met some kindred spirits who were having an impromptu childhood reunion, who found it funny to load me up with shots and high percentage German beer. I found it funny too, my ride back to Tuscaloosa didn’t. I threw up in his car, still in Atlanta, twenty minutes into our three hour drive back. We stopped at a gas station so I could vacuum and clean up as best I could. I also threw out my pants and kicked two holes in the bottom of a garbage bag and wore it like a diaper all the way home. No one talked for the next two and half hours. 

I’d never been more embarrassed in my life. Paid $300 to get my friend’s car detailed the next day. We’re good now though, I facetimed him in Dallas today for about two hours. That’s why I’m rooting for Jayron Kearse and Mike Hughes. I’m happy for Jayron, played 11 games for the Lions last year. So it seems like he turned that around. Now I hope the Chief’s get a steal with Mike Hughes. He’s probably super embarrassed that this made it’s way to the internet. People make mistakes, but everyone deserves a shot at a second chance. Lord knows I needed it. 

Tristian Thompson Wins Libel Case Against Wannabe Baby Momma

It’s a shame that the Kardashians won’t go on an episode of Maury because the crossover might collapse the internet. In the never ending circus of the Kardashians and everyone associated with them, the newest act comes to us via Tristan Thompson successfully suing Kimberly Alexander who claims that he is the father of her six year old son. 

Alexander was fighting an uphill battle against a family who knows their way around a courtroom. But if the law wasn’t enough to take on, she declared war on science itself. After two separate negative paternity tests, Ms. Alexander overturned the results by simply refusing to accept them. A bold strategy with no precedent. Unfortunately for her, and more unfortunately for her child, the court found Tristian Thompson not to be the father. 

Khloe is also threatening to sue Kimberly for alleged faux DMs that she posted. Khloe denies any contact with her fellow Eskimo sister. Denying paternity tests and counterfeit DMs, this daddy left nothing in the tank. Call Her Baby Momma.

Tristian only won 50k with an annual 10% interest. Claiming losses from endorsements with the false reputation of a man who doesn’t take care of his children. While that probably isn’t that much money to a man of his lifestyle, it was a major win on principality. 

Anchor babies and fake paternities are a growing sociological manipulation issue. Tristian fought the good fight, and hopefully will champion as a deterrent to the next person who decides to use their child as a bargaining chip to climb the social ladder. I’ll pray for her son, but I’m not sure how much good it’ll do. I hope he’s parentally blocked from TMZ until he’s 30. 

Woman’s Police Chase Ends At McDonald’s Drive Thru

We've all had McDonald’s when we know we shouldn’t have. Work ran late and you didn’t feel like cooking. You had too much to drink and it was on the way home. OR you stole a truck, got in multiple car accidents, fled the police and decided you were craving a Big Mac. 

Johanna Gardell, 38, was finally apprehended in the mulch of a McDonald’s after leading police on low speed chase through Worcester, Massachusetts. Unfortunately for the criminal mastermind, she stole a work truck with a GPS tracker in it. Between the GPS and trail of struck vehicles Ms. Gardell left, she was easily located.

I have a working theory on this. Drugs. It was probably drugs. But if a toxicology report comes back clean, this is what I think might have happened. 

Have you ever been a little teenage asshole that tried to walk through the Drive Thru while your little teenage asshole friends giggled in the background? Yeah yeah me neither. But I’ve heard when that happens, McDonald’s shuts you down and tells you that you need a vehicle to order at the Drive Thru.

So what if, Johanna Gardell really needed some Big Ron’s. For reasons not yet known to us, the inside was closed. She walked to the drive through and got turned away by a pimple faced visor wearing smartass. So she decided to take matters into her own hands and steal a truck, get McDonald’s, then return the tuck while everyone was none the wiser. How else do you explain ending up in a McDonald’s Drive Thru in a high pressure situation like that? Is it crazy? Yeah, but the motive fits. And that Sweet and Sour sauce makes people do crazy things. 

https://abc-7.com/news/crime/2021/07/07/police-chase-ends-at-mcdonalds-drive-thru-as-woman-orders-food-in-middle-of-pursuit/

Space Balls: Branson Vs. Bezos

Do people know that billionaires Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos are going to space this month? I feel like it’s weird that we’re not talking about this every day. Branson and Bezos are not astronauts? Does no one else find that crazy?

Branson of course is technically beating Bezos to orbit leaving on July 11th. Nine days before Bezos’ Blue Origin’s takeoff. I should back up and explain why they’re going to space. Of course besides having  a shit ton of money and nothing to do. 

I already mentioned Blue Origin, which is Jeff Bezos’ private spaceflight company. Which is a flex on the entire world with the exception of two people. Richard Branson being one of those exceptions. The record/airline billionaire playboy has a private spaceflight company of his own, Virgin Galactic. Both companies are striving to one day launch every day people into outer space, for a fee of course. 

Even astronauts are skeptical about going into outer space. It’s a dark murder vacuum that kills you in 90 seconds if you’re exposed to it. Unless you decide to hold your breath. Then the vacuum will cause your lungs to explode and you’ll die in roughly 15 seconds. So how do you convince normal people to vacation up there for quite a substantial amount of money? You send up the billionaires first. They have literally billions of reasons why they don’t want to die, if they can risk it, so can you. 

Everyone wanted Branson to win this. I’m not sure that there’s a soul on this planet that doesn’t believe that Bezos is a Bonds-esque supervillain. Bezos is most known for monopolizing your means to products by spying through on private information and treating his workforce as subhuman. While Branson is known for the best episode of MTV Cribs that consisted of sailing around an 80 million dollar private island with a scantily clad Mariah Carey. Plus he has a very trusting British accent. 

Regardless of Branson saying he wasn’t racing Bezos, he moved his launch up to be before him. Bezos countered by deciding to bring up an 82 year old lady, Wally Funk, who was an astronaut hopeful like 60 years ago. It’s a good PR move but I know it’s eating at his ego. I wouldn’t trust Wally to be Bezos’ only play. 

Like I said we’re talking about a supervillain here. I wouldn’t put it past Jeff to sabotage Richard’s flight resulting in a global tragedy. With the whole world in mourning, Bezos will rise from the ashes and pretend to look like he’s braving on with his mission a mere nine days later. He’d say something like “It’s what Richard would have wanted.” The whole world would hold their breath as he launched now knowing the consequences of these private launches. When all goes to plan, the public will regard Bezos for his courage, who’ll now have a monopoly on private spaceflight, and be the first one to space. Even though he murdered our beloved Richard. 

Which of course by that point, Elon would have to step in and avenge Richard. Both Branson and Musk hate Bezos. Elon’s the third player in this game with his private spaceflight company, SpaceX. I think Richard and Bezos are playing checkers to Elon’s chess. They’re so worried about who will be the first one to space that they don’t realize Elon is inching his way to Mars. 

Despite which one of the billionaires wins what, it’s us common folk who are the real winners. Rising tides lift all boats. To a Doctor Who nerd like myself, the real possibility of me traveling to space before I die is almost enough to make me cry. We’re that much closer to fuckin in zero-g on our honeymoons. I’ll be the first to go. The second I have 250k lying around. 

Do Aliens Play Sports?

The first Olympic Games were held in Ancient Greece over a millennia ago. China used to play soccer with dead people’s heads and Mexico had that sideways basketball game they play in El Dorado. None of these empires crossed paths, yet they all had their own form of sports entertainment. So sports seems to be a natural step in the civilization process. If aliens conquered interstellar travel its fair to assume their civilized. Which means it’s fair to assume they have sports. 

I’m not a big alien invasion guy, but rather an alien intergration guy. I love sci-fi stories that show the clashing of human and alien cultures on their way to harmonizing a peaceful coexistence. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. One way we as humans all come together despite our differences in region or culture is through sports. So why can’t that ring true for interspecies relationships?

Well, there could be issues. Let’s say humans wanted to play in alien leagues. We might not have the tech-savy knowledge to keep up. Or even worse, we may not be genetically inclined enough to hold our own. If Space Jan was any precedent, Michael Jordan had to PED his teammates and literally stretch his own arm 20 feet just to avoid an ass whooping by the Monstars. 

What if the aliens wanted to join our professional leagues? We don’t know if they have telekinetic powers or super strength. Can you imagine The Predator shooting the C Gap? Quarterbacks would lose their skulls. But would it be speciest to exclude them? I don’t know. Their physical superiority could wipe out every league as we know it. 

But maybe not. They could be just like us, humanoid even. People would be skeptical of letting aliens join the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL. But maybe a hero would come along. A Jackie Robinson of aliens, to break the species barrier. And we’d all have something to talk about at the local space cantina and live happily ever after. 

More sports is always the answer if the question is ever asked. Picture how fun it would be betting on alien’s sports not knowing what the fuck is going on. Let’s just hope that colonizing planets and enslaving the inhabiting species isn’t their planetary pastime. 

6 Tips To Survive Your Jersey Shore Summer House

Even before those oily New Yorkers from MTV found their way to Seaside, getting a Shore house was a right of passage in these parts. If you plan on spending your summer on the line at Bar A or pretending you’re Italian in D’Jais, here’s a few tips to make it to Labor Day. 

1. Fill A Role 

Everyone brings something to the table. Find your niche and own it. Some people always make sure there’s alcohol, others stock up on the non alcoholic beverages. Both are equally important. There’s always one weed guy or gal. One person bring speakers and control the aux. Maybe you’re the grillmaster. Or you’re the one who brings all the backyard games. Pray to God that there’s a roommate that can help but clean. They’re going to be on your ass all summer, but lean up on the ropes and let them punch themselves out. They’re essential. If you want to be king of the house, make friends with a bouncer or bartender at your home court bar. Once you’ve worked up a good rapport, go early to get everyone bracelets. You’ll never wait in line and everyone will be indebted to you and buy you drinks all night. 

2. Don’t Piss Outside

Towns make millions on this shit every summer. You know the cops that you see in shorts or riding a bike with their little helmets? 99% of the time they're Class II Officers, meaning they’re part time. They love writing that shit. They’re trying to prove themselves, and rightfully so, to get a full time job. Those “urinating in public” tickets go straight to the town’s pockets and get them big brownie points. When they literally catch you with your pants down they got you dead to rights. Summer is expensive enough without paying $300 to take a piss. 

3. Don’t Corner Yourself With Another Group

You’re a group with a shore house, they’re a group with a shore house. Can I make it any more obvious? It’s fine to make friends just make sure they don’t get too comfortable. Before you know it, they’re at your house every night and start getting jealous of the other people you bring back to house. If you set your boundaries correctly, they’ll always be there as a solid backup plan. 

4. Give Up On Sleep

If you go into every weekend with little to no expectations on a good night’s sleep you’ll never be disappointed. There’s limited beds, and unlimited people. Buy cheap sheets that you can throw out. All sheets will either be a.) peed on b.) puked on c.) ejaculated on. Some nights you’re going to have to cut your losses and sleep on the random couch on the porch with nothing but a sweatshirt to keep you warm. Unless you’re big-boned. Then every bed is your bed if you want it to be. You’re hammered, what’re they going to do? Move you? Fuck those skinny bitches, it’s too hot for their bullshit. 

5. Don’t Be The Person Who Gets Mad At Guests

Half the reason to get a beach house is to brag to people that you have a beach house. Outside friends will come to visit. Don’t be the pissy brat who complains about roommates’ guests. The guest doesn’t have a shore house, maybe they’ll get a little too rowdy, yeah. But you need to understand that this is a sprint for them, not your marathon. There will come a night where you have a cousin or a friend or someone you met at the bar come to the house and if you’ve never complained, you can command the same courtesy. 

6. Don’t Get Upset If Someone Hooks Up With Someone You’ve Hooked Up With

This will be a tall order for some of you. It’s human nature. Remember Ronnie’s famous line “My only rule- never fall in love at the Jersey Shore”? How did breaking that rule work out for him? This causes more fights in houses than anything else. It happens, be a grown up. There’s a lot of inventory out there. Save yourself the headache and heartbreak and find someone else. Literally everyone is there to get drunk and have sex, I promise you you’ll find someone. There is going to be drama no matter what, it’s part of the experience. Try to limit it where you can. 

Enjoy yourselves, that’s what you’re there for. There are going to be nights where you make mistakes and wake up the next morning ashamed. Don’t be discouraged, that means you’re doing it right. When all else fails, remember, there’s always next weekend. 

Big Brother Preseason Ranking Based Off Only Profiles

Two years ago, three of my friends and I decided to start a Big Brother draft before each season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. I have my draft tonight so here are my power rankings. 

16. Derek Frazier, 29

I’m sorry to my big boned brother in arms, but someone had to be last. I’m hoping that Derek proves me wrong but strength only gets you so far in this game. Balance and endurance could be an issue. But then again, maybe his famous boxing father, “Smokin” Joe Frazier taught him a thing or two about both. Still rooting for you my man.

15. Sarah Steagall, 27

Sarah is a DNA scientist which would make you think she has some smarts, but her profile says otherwise. When asked what her strategy for the game was Sarah said she plans on being a floater. No place on my squad for anyone who’s already planning around being carried. Sarah said she’s most looking forward to venting in the diary room. Really? You’re playing for half a million and all you’re excited about is complaining? The DNA thing was the only thing keeping her from that last spot. 

14. Britini D’Angelo, 24 

Britini is into karate, swimming, and running. Three things that could come in handy for the challenges. She also boasts as the recipient of both the Niagara and Senior Medal. I don’t know what either of those are but it’s two more medals than I got. As a Kindergarten teacher, Britini seems like a very positive and trusting person. Which means shit in the Big Brother house. I found her Tik Tok and her overt optimism is going to get her eaten alive. She will cry before the season’s over, I guarantee it. 

13. Whitney Williams, 30

 

I apologize in advance to Whitney if I miss the mark here, but I completely based her ranking solely off looking like a reality star villain. Her teeth are smiling, but here eyes aren’t. Being a villain can be an asset in this game, but it takes mastery level deception skills. In the real world, Whitney is a make-up artist, and I just don’t know what skills she can translate from that profession into the house. 

12. Tiffany Mitchell, 40

I’m excited for Tiffany from an entertainment standpoint. She claims to have an alter ego and I can’t fucking wait for that. Either it’s going to be legit and I’m going to love it or it’s going to be so ridiculously bad that I’m going to love it even more. Like her planned winning strategy, Tiffany doesn’t really tell us much. But if past seasons have set any precedent, 40 and up don’t bode to well. 

11. Travis Long, 22

Travis might be worth a late round flyer based off his age, but other than that I really don’t like him. Coincidentally, I predict his biggest advantage (age), will ultimately be his downfall. If the shaka profile picture wasn’t douchie enough, Travis is really looking forward to being the “prank master” of the house. When asked to describe himself in three words his first word was… rambunctious. People are going to get sick of his shit, I already am. Fuck your jawline dude. 

10. Brandon “Frenchie” French, 34

I predict Frenchie is going to wind up being one of my favorite characters in the house. He just looks like he’s going to be funny. Frenchie’s a farmer and former military. Couple that with the loss of his son and he makes for the best feel good story to win. Out of everybody, I hope he wins. But from a betting standpoint, it pains me to say it but southern people rarely get taken seriously in this game. If anyone can turn that around, I’m hoping it’s Frenchie. 

9. Christie Valdiserri, 27

Christie is an interesting contestant. Her career as a professional dancer should translate well to comps. I’m not sure how well things will go for her vegan diet in the house. I doubt slop is vegan. Christie said she plans on telling everyone about her hair loss when the time is right. I love that, use every advantage you can to claw your way to the next week. I think we’re all thinking the the same thing, and let’s just hope it’s not that. 

8. Azah Awasum, 30

Azah’s grandfather was a polygamist with 47 children, giving her 300 cousins. You have to be able to handle yourself fighting against that many cousins for food and a good seat at family parties. One of Azah’s biggest attributes is that she’s a cook, which I think flies way under the radar in this game. It’s hard to vote out the person who’s keeping everyone well fed. The only knock I have on Azah is she described herself as “clumsy”. I think that shows a lack of confidence and not exactly a word I’d want attached to one of my competitors. 

7. Kyland Young, 29

I don’t know where Kyland’s at but it looks like he’s getting some American Ninja Warrior training in. Kyland cosplays at Comic Cons as a police officer and uses a fake badge to cut the lines. It’s not illegal, it’s cosplay. Love that kind of loophole thinking. The only negative I have on Kyland is that he said that he sometimes forgets there’s a cash prize in this competition. While some people may see that as “doing it for the love of the game,” it makes me think that he doesn’t have enough on the line. 

6. Hannah Chaddha, 21

Hannah describes herself as “calculated, composed, and versatile” and quite honestly scares the shit out of me. She’s most looking forward to blindsiding someone in the house. Nice to know Hannah’s not afraid to get blood on her hands. I think she’ll play older than her age, she always has. Graduated from her university at 19 and has a love for science and math. Not a nerd though, no, she’s a competive hip hop dancer. Dancing plays in comps. 

5. Alyssa Lopez, 24

Alyssa was the only one to describe herself as a superfan. A student of the game. I love Alyssa’s plan of going hard for the first HOH. A lot of people are deterred from the first competition because it makes you the first one to make enemies. But it also puts you in the best position to make the strongest alliance. I like the way she thinks, and superfans have a history of going far in this game. 

4. Brent Champagne, 28

I’ll be honest, I didn’t enjoy slotting Brent here at 4. His life’s motto of “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” isn’t a great omen. It was also the Facebook status of high school seniors like ten years ago, close the yearbook dude. But he is a former D1 athlete and I expect that alone to get him into a strong alliance of comp beasts. 

3. Derek Xiao, 24

If there were betting odds, Derek would be my favorite bet. I don’t expect him to wow people with his athleticism, but I do project him to be the most complete player. His motto is “If you laugh at yourself first, then everyone else is just laughing with you.” Love that. Good tough skin for this game. Derek is looking to fund his startup with his winnings. Skin in the game, check. He enjoys playing chess, surfing, and has completed a triathalon. All things that translate. Brains and brawn, and a face that looks like it’ll hold up in the social aspect. I trust him, don’t even know the guy. 

2. Christian Birkenberger, 23 

I don’t like using the word vibe because I don’t think I use it correctly but Christian has a certain vibe about him. Right? He’s a general contractor who enjoys wearing bucket hats. Bucket hat guys always have a strong social game, especially with that hair. I anticipate Christian to be the guy all the girls fall in love with this season. He likes doing flips on unicycles. Which shows off athleticism for comps and a neat goofy party trick for the social game. Also just a great name.

1. Xavier Prather, 27

Being an attorney in this game should be quite the advantage. Xavier’s job is literally to get people to see things his way and agree with him. Not to mention, the guys built like a brick shithouse. This is my Mccaffrey. When asked about his strategy, Xavier said he plans on not letting emotions sway his strategic decisions. Cunning, comp beast, cutthroat. 

I’m really excited for this season. It was nice to have last year’s season, but they clearly cut out the possibility of showmances due to Covid and that really put a strain on the drama aspect. One more week until the saintly Julie Chen graces our television screens.