Following your dreams isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's equally terrifying as it is exciting. But as human beings, we love being terrified. We built rollercoasters for Christ's sake. The only thrill from a rollercoaster is the uncertainty of making it out alive. That's why I always preferred the word delirium when referring to the pursuit of dreams. Delirium recognizes the fear in your bliss. At what point does your delirious picture of a perfect life become dangerous?
Since I was about thirteen I knew I'd probably become a cop. It happened, sort of. I'm a Class II police officer. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it means I'm a part time cop. I'm scheduled for 30 hours a week but it normally winds up closer to 40. I carry a firearm, I drive my own car, I make my own traffic stops, I answer my own calls. You wouldn't know I was part time unless I told you. What's the difference between me and a full time cop? They make a lot more money and I don't get benefits. But I like it. It's what I majored in. I'm amongst people all day which I enjoy and no two days are ever the exact same. I really like it.
Since I was about nine I knew I wanted to be a sports writer. Most kids said they wanted to be in the NFL or the MLB, I just said I wanted to tell stories. I used to ask my dad who we were rooting for in each game highlight on SportsCenter and then explain what was going on to my little brother. I know it's cheesy and sounds like a made up story but piss off, it isn't. As I got older, my fantasies of sports writer was shortened to just writer. It was like dropping the "the" in The Facebook. When I was in college, I used to write for fun and then Google famous author agents. I'd think up fake letters that I would never send to convince them to take me on as a client. It was the imagining that I enjoyed, I never tried to do anything about it.
Since March, I've written 54 blogs. The imagining is back and it's such a rush. I write whatever I find funny and then I pretend that this is what I do for a living. But it isn't. I think chasing your dream is like imagining marrying your dream girl. Sure, it would be amazing to date a movie star but she has no idea who you are. Then there's that hometown girl that your parents want you to marry. You might already see how your whole life plays out, but you could still make a traditionally happy life for yourself. At some point you have to realize that Natalie Portman isn't walking through that door. Plus she's married anyway.
What I'm trying to convey through a very poor analogy is that I believe it's important to chase your dream, but to have a fallback plan that gives you the chance at ordinary happiness. Really try though. Like cancel plans with your friends over it, go to sleep late and wake up early because of it. Then you can at least say you exhausted all options before finding a conventional career. I really like my job, I don't know if I love it, but I think that's more than most people can say.
I have the same name as my father. I have the same job as he had for 32 years. I'm a cop in the town that I grew up in, the town he grew up in. If I stay this course, I already know my entire life and it turns out pretty good. But I crave the uncertainty. A full time police job is opening up in my town soon and even writing this can jeopardize my chances at the position. Of course I'm afraid that the people who would hire me might find these blogs, it could fuck up my whole future. I have no idea at what point it becomes irresponsible to follow your dreams because I'm probably already past that. If I find out, I'll let you know. I just haven't quite lost my delirium yet.
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