Wave goodbye to your PTO and lube up your checking accounts, it’s wedding season. Whether you’re a Travolta or a wallflower, nobody can actually dislike weddings. Worst case scenario, it’s free steak and booze. But in order to make it to the finish line flawlessly, there are characters at play that you might want to avoid.
The bridesmaid/groomsman who thinks they’re in charge. They maintain at defcon 1 and never come down. They critique your every move as if everything is life or death. As if you bowing at the wrong time during the mass would somehow make the priest say “That’s it! I’m not marrying them.” They’re the ones who make everyone embarass the shit out of each other while getting announced during the reception. The shopping cart and fish hook can only hold on for so long. It’s like, chill out. It’s not that serious our friends are just putting higher stakes on cheating on one another.
Old people. Avoid them at all costs. Besides the bathroom, a wedding is the most dangerous place for an old to be. I’ve seen ambulances summoned at the last three weddings I’ve been to. One for trouble breathing after walking outside to the cigar bar, another for heat exhaustion, and the last one took a tumble dancing. If no one spills on your dance floor your wedding sucks, but Nana and Pop Pop can’t navigate those waters. You don’t want to be the one standing there when they go down. Because either A. You look like the asshole who didn’t catch them or B. You’re now part of the de facto medic team who needs to save their life. But you’ve been sampling the bride and grooms specialty drinks for three hours and have no formal training.
The Tik Tokker. It’s hard enough ducking and dodging the paid videographer, now we have a two front war against guerilla producers. Can’t I just have fun without you pimping me out for twenty eight likes on your Tik Tok? Get that light out of my face. Use all the hashtags you want, no one’s algorithm includes you screaming half-correct lyrics over a shaky video of other people having fun. I don’t care what the newest trend is, you’re thirty two, put the phone down.
The couple who should already be engaged. If they’re at your table by happenstance, pray silently for a miracle. He’s dragging his feet and she’s not happy about it. All of that is going to surface tonight on your watch. If you hear “Can you settle something…” just run. Sprint away, don’t even explain yourself to anybody. And if you brought a plus one, point them out. Because somebody is about to get hurt during that bouquet toss.
The first person to say “Ain’t no laws when drinking claws.” Kick them out. They’re not getting their hotel deposit back and they’re going to try and fuck someone’s aunt or uncle. They came alone to fuck and drink, but they’ve been turned down by everyone they’ve approached. So there’s only one thing left for them to do. Ruin everything. They may trap you bumming a cigarette or attempting to impart wisdom on the drink line. That’s unavoidable. But at all costs, distance yourself by ten rows on the bus ride back to the hotel because they’re going to throw up on the shoes you rented.
So dust off those suspenders, pray somebody bombs on their speech, and get out on that dance floor. Nobody looks like an idiot during Shout, remember that. Boogie with the people trying to have a good time and skrrt skrrt the ones getting in the way of that. Let’s have ourselves a wedding season.
No comments:
Post a Comment