Engagement Culture Needs To Be Stopped

I’m at the point in my life where every other weekend is an engagement, bachelor party, or wedding. In other words, I’m broke. And the powers that be are ensuring that. 

Over this past weekend I attended a “surprise” day of the engagement party. Not an Engaagement Party, a party on the day they got engaged. A Proposal Party if you would. 

First of all, none of these Proposal Parties are surprises. Every single proposal I’ve seen in the last two years has had a party after where friends and family scream as the couple walks in. All the drunken aunts hound the girl about the ring saying “Did he do good?!”. And all the hammered men think they’re being emotionally vulnerable by clasping the guy on the shoulder saying “She’s one of the good ones. I’m happy for you man.” Honestly it’d be more of a surprise if there wasn’t a party at this point. 

My party this weekend had a strict 5:30 arrival time. So we didn’t ruin the surprise. Despite all of our cars taking up the entirety of the small twelve house cul-de-sac. 5:30, because no one can propose at a reasonable time to start drinking afterwards for some reason. Now I’m the one left picking up the pieces of the consequences of me drinking for eight hours straight. 

One of my issues that stemmed from this party was that I didn’t bring a gift. I considered bringing a bottle but my friend had hired a bartender for the event. Yeah, I don’t know who he thinks he is. So if I brought a bottle would this guy just pour it out to guests? Then they’ll never even know that I brought the gift when it’s empty and in the trash. I Constanza’d myself into a corner. So I didn’t bring one. 

Now it’s true that I am Scottish, but I’ve never considered myself a cheap person. Honestly though how much do you need from me just so you two can get married? 

Now hold on. Hold on! Apparently my friends forgot the $5k+ that we just spent in Vegas for another bachelor party in April. This is a proposal party, we still have an engagement party coming, the bachelor party, and then the actual wedding itself. The wedding which I’ll have to rent a tux since I’m a groomsman, plus a hotel room, and the wedding gift. The poor women have all that plus a bridal shower! 

Four parties to announce the same thing? You’re telling me I need a gift for all of them? Why is you two being in love costing me so much money? I’m starting to understand the complaints the old people had about our “participation trophy” generation. 

Maybe we’re a snake eating it’s own tail. Everyone getting married wants reparations for all the gifts they’ve shelled out to the couples that came before them. In which case fine, I’ll even the scales. Don’t get me nothin’ but a wedding gift and I’ll promise to do the same. 

….

And pregnancies?! Count your fuckin days because you’re next. Scammers, the lot of you. Announcement party, gender reveal party, diaper party for the guys, and baby shower for the girls. I see you, and you’re not getting away with this.