Getting Banned From Arenas Is Fake

Faker than fake Klay Thompson. This story was making it rounds last week during the NBA Finals when a grown man who dresses like his favorite basketball player snuck into the Warriors’ arena and put some shots up on the court. Earned himself a lifetime ban. He also casually snuck in that he paid 10k for the tickets and wants you to know he’s totally cool with it. 

Yeah 

Pinned it too for good measure. 

I have reason to believe that the real Klay Thompson was behind the decision to ban his imposter. This Big Daws dude looks NOTHING like Klay Thompson. And I know that Klay hates him for it. He dons a full Klay Thompson uniform to Warriors games - shorts and jersey. That’s where the resemblance starts and ends. If you saw this guy in street clothes at the bar and he asked you if he looked like Klay you’d say, “Nope, not at all. What do you mean? Because you also have a goatee that makes you Klay Thompson?” You know real Klay gets clowned for this dude in the locker room. Klay has to know the guy is uhgly. I’m sure his teammates have a field day calling him his twin. 

My theory is Klay had enough. Got a whiff of the latest stunt and called the owner to ensure his ban. But bad news for Klay, if Big Daws wants to end his lifetime ban from the arena all he has to do is go to a game not dressed in a full Klay Thompson jersey. 

Stadium/arena bans aren’t real. When I was still a little tyke, brandishing a fake ID that I got shipped in a shoe box from China, I got banned from the Prudential Center in Newark. It was my buddies’ fault, he was acting reckless and my ID was checked after the fact just because I was with him. We were taken into a back room, had our photos taken, and given paperwork that laid out the details of our ban. I stole our fakes back off their desk before we were escorted out  the arena by some hidden stairwell. 

Problem was, I had floor seats for a Jay-Z concert at Prudential scheduled literally the next day. I paid big bucks for them for my brother’s birthday so I said fuck it and went anyway. No one stopped me from entering, no one kicked me out of my seats, AND the same fake ID they thought they confiscated worked again less than 24 hours later. 

Why wouldn’t it? What do you think happens? You think the people who take your tickets have a list of the thousands of people banned memorized to stop you at the gates? They don’t even check your ID at the gate, you think they have every single face burned into their memory? No. Or there’s some pit boss at every stadium running facial recognition software on a wall of 100 screens to make sure anyone who’s ever been banned never steps foot in their arena again? Of course not. 

So although Big Daws, Twitter, and the rest of the internet made a big deal about the ban it’s actually the littlest deal in the world. If Daws wants to go to a Warriors game all he has to do is not look like Klay Thompson. Which shouldn’t be difficult for him whatsoever.