The best display of the pinnacle of the human experience and growing technology symbiosis can be found on your town’s community Facebook page. The smaller the town, the better the drama. Old scores are settled, new rivalries arise. A place where reasonable questions start arguments. Where you can trash the local HVAC guy and then immediately post your elderly neighbor’s obituary. Where the 21st century town crier is a coveted position. A magical place, where you’re always right.
Old people are the fuel that keep this fire burning. I’m using the term “old” loosely here, but you know the type. Their number one complaints are normally dogs. Whether they’re barking, running, or shitting, they’re not having it. They love posting fatal motor vehicle accidents to update you on traffic routes. They share information that’s way too intimate. They’ll strongly disagree with positive reviews of a family owned restaurant because their food took two minutes too long once. Holier than thou doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. They often rant or rally their personal views to the masses and are shocked, hurt, and offensive when it’s not accepted as gospel. But they’re always correct.
Worse than old people are the young people who argue with them. Again, using the term young loosely here. Mid twenties to mid thirties. Actual young people don’t waste their time on these pages, they probably don’t even know what Facebook is. This younger sub-strata of your community page are the aggressors. They defend their friends’ local businesses to a fault. They’re rude to the old peoples’ dumb questions. And if someone opposes them, they go way too far. They use terms like “keyboard warrior” and threaten to “meet up in real life”. A discussion as simple as shed removals could end with them saying things like “That’s why your son keeps getting arrested for heroin ”. But they’re always correct.
But the absolute bowels of these Facebook groups are the founders themselves. The only requirement for being a moderator or founder of a community page is you have to be the worst person in the world. There’s an interesting book by Christopher Browning called “Ordinary Men” where he explores how regular people could possibly become Nazis during WWII. How come they were able to become so evil and commit these atrocities against their own neighbors. The argument being that group pressure forces people to commit sins they didn’t know they were capable of. That power corrupts humanity. These group founders toe that line. They see themselves as judge, jury, and executioner. They believe permanent bans shake people to their cores. Their meteoric rise from high school band to power wielding Facebook Gestapo has convinced them they’re local heroes. They think they’re self-appointed politicians and walk around the grocery store with their nose pricked up a little too high in the air. But they’re always correct.
Of course the only way to navigate these cyber trenches is to mess with absolutely everyone. No discriminating, everyone can get it. I live in a square mile beach town and complained one time that there was too much sand on the walkway and that people need to learn to wipe their feet better when coming off the beach. 300 comments and unlimited dirty looks at traffic lights later and I’ve cemented myself as a certified player in this game. Disagree with things that don’t warrant an opinion. Ask questions that don’t make any sense. Accuse imaginary people of things that never happened. Have fun at everyone’s expense. Because you’re always right.
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