I’ve pissed myself, I’ve shit myself, I’ve thrown up on myself in a car in Atlanta and everyone had to sit in ther car with me two hours back to Tuscaloosa. I’ve been lost for hours and been found by my friends splitting a calzone on the curb with a homeless man. Im close, but I haven’t deleted all the copies of the picture of me asleep on the toilet with shit in the bowl, puke on the floor, and my weiner flopping around. But that’s all me drunk in college. I mostly laugh at that stuff.
Years of torture from older cousins and cruel friends has conditioned me to shrug off embarrassment. There’s not much you can say to me or about me that would cause me turmoil. But where I do lose sleep is when my actions cause someone else distress. That’s the stuff that makes me to throw punches in the air when the thoughts creep in during a shower. Even decades later. Here’s my worst one.
My family is extremely close, and it was even more so during the yesteryears. My sister is four years older than me and we used to tell each other everything. On this one particular day after school, she was acting strange. Everybody noticed it except my Mom who wouldn’t be home from work until 8:00. My sister was in the seventh grade at the time, so I was in third. Eight or nine years old. I remember my Dad calling her out on her attitude that day which was weird because she was the golden child. She especially didn’t welcome the criticism on today of all days since her friend Alicia was over. It was warranted from Dad though, she was letting him have it for no reason.
Dad dispatched me out to get to the bottom of this. He instructed me to find out if a boy was picking on her, she got an ultra rare bad grade in school, or if a crush had been mean to her. Something was happening to my big sister, and I was going to fix this no matter the cost. Sleep easy Dad, I got this. Before I could even begin my inquiry, I was met with a crude “Do you EVER leave me alone?!” Real nice, good luck finding someone to play Beanie Babies with later. I reported back to Dad, who said fuck it and went back to bed. He was working midnights at the time. I wasn’t satisfied with the results so I went to the top of the stairs for a little recon eavesdropping.
I was literally keeping my ear to the ground and couldn't hear shit. There was a lot of fast whispering going on but I couldn't make anything out. I heard the downstairs bathroom door open and close. Then nothing. Not even the subtle sounds of movement from whoever should have been left in the dining room. Did they hear me eavesdropping and scurry to the bathroom for privacy? Fools! Just made it easier for me. I Mission Impossible'd the stairs without a single creak to find an empty first floor. I crept up to the bathroom door and laid my ear against it. I could hear words but none of them were making sense. They were in there for way too long fiddling around with stuff. When I heard the sink start running, I booked it back to HQ (top of the stairs).
I gave them about ten minutes of what sounded like homework and walked downstairs very nonchalantly without a word to either of them. I pretended that I was walking to the snack cabinet and then BAM beelined to the bathroom and locked the door. Time was precious, all my sister had to do was run upstairs and get the key to unlock the bathroom. Lifted the toilet seat, nothing. Checked the cabinets, under the sinks, nothing, nothing. I locked eyes with the trash bin. Unused toilet paper was clearly placed on top of the trash to cover something up. It might have gone unnoticed to the untrained eye, but I was on a mission. I looked underneath and found a wad of more toilet paper wrapped around something. This was it, I picked it up. A few weeks prior I had chased my sister with a dead bird on a dare from my older cousin, I wasn't afraid of touching a little trash.
I ran out of the bathroom with my evidence, laughing maniacally. My sister screamed bloody murder while her and her friend bum-rushed me. They paused on either side of the kitchen table thinking they had me cornered. I was just looking at my sister like "That's right woman, you've been found out. I've got whatever sketchy shit you've been up to in that bathroom". They charged from both sides of the table, idiots. Hard wood floors, I slid right underneath. Bobbing, weaving, spin moving I made my way through the house. Alicia almost had me for a second and scratched me across the face trying to grab me. She drew first blood. I cranked up the Dante Hall moves and made my way to the front door. It was over, I won. They couldn't catch me in the open field.
I took off down the neighborhood, package secured. I'm whooping it up and literally high stepping to the street corner. I'm doing touchdown celebrations and a second away from the Ickey Shuffle when I hear my full name screamed out by my father. Instant shiver down my spine. He spots me dancing on the corner and starts sprinting down the sidewalk. My dad, who I didn't even know could run, was barreling towards me at blazing speed. My brain went back into Agent Cody Banks mode: "Whatever I uncovered here must be very valuable and needs to be seen by the public. My own family is covering this up. Dad's flipped, this runs deep." I wanted to run but my legs were concreted in fear.
My father had the angriest face I had ever seen him make, he was never the disciplinarian. Through his teeth he said, "Go back inside, apologize to your sister, and put that back where you found it. After that, go up to your room and I'll be with you in a second. What the FUCK is wrong with you?" I had never heard my dad curse, nevermind saying 'fuck'. I was fricken pissed. A second ago this guy was on my team? He was running the op! Yeah, I might've gone a little rogue, but I'm the one who completed the mission! Do you not see this scratch underneath my eye? I risked everything for this. Pent up with rage, I double-timed back to the house.
I found my sister clearly distraught, being consoled by her friend. I walked up with the tissues still in hand and tried to reach out to apologize. I was genuinely sorry that I was the one who hurt my sister like this. I didn't know how I did it, but I was sorry nevertheless. My hand was slapped away by Alicia who said, "I think you should stay away from her for now". Fuck you Alicia, bitch. I jogged to the bathroom and tossed my questions back into the trash can. Fighting away tears of my own, I headed upstairs to await my punishment. Leaving my beloved sister crying on the couch.
That's how her first period went.
My father was still angry and trying his best to explain menstruation to a nine year old. It hadn't even occurred to me that my sister had girl parts and that they acted different from my own privates. I got a stern talking to on respecting people's privacy and why it's not a good idea to pick up a woman's used pad. Whatever that was. The whole mood was pretty somber and it stayed that way until I busted out crying. "Is she sick? Why won't it stop bleeding?" I thought her vagina was broken. My dad busted out laughing which only made my sister scream "None of this is funny!"
I'd like to take this time now to apologize to my sister. From time to time, that memory sneaks into my head and I have to bury my face in a pillow to ride out the cringe. Fuck, I'm sorry Laur. My sister and I are still very close to this day. She's married now with three little girls of her own and I'm godfather to the most mischievous one. She currently has a little boy on the way. Hopefully he respects his big sisters' privacy more than I was able to.
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