We Suck At Growing Up

We had this dude Geoffrey telling us every other Nickelodeon commercial not to grow up cause we're Toys R Us kids, and we listened. I don't have any legal qualifications to psychoanalyze a whole generation but I have watched a lot of shows with psychologists so I feel pretty confident in my theory. We suck at growing up. 

The royal we, as a generation, are addicted to things that make us feel like children. Don't believe me? Lets take a look at some movies. Cinderella was made in 1950, Dumbo in 1941. Cinderella's 2015 remake made 542.4 million, and the 2019 Dumbo made 353.3 mil. The Aladdin cartoon came out in 1992 and Lion King, 1994. Their 2019 live action remakes made 1.051 billion and 1.657 billion respectively. We all went to the 90's movies to get that little bit of kid-magic back. 

There's a sense of security in replicating our feelings from when we were children. Much like me, with my adult pacifier. I Juul constantly and I can't stop. I now pay fifty dollars for two packs of mint pods at a sketchy gas station because I didn't want to get rid of my binky. It doesn't matter if my chest randomly feels like someone is wringing out the inside, it comforts me and I'm keeping it. 

Millennials find ourselves at a strange crossroads. Sometimes us giant babies are put into adult situations based solely on being in our 'twenties' and 'thirties'. Completely unfair. I have to do my taxes now? Our family friend has always done our taxes since forever. He almost died this year and I asked some of the grown ups how I should approach possibly having to do my taxes. Apparently telling the government that "My neighbor from three decades and two houses ago who handled all of this, is now dead and I'll get you guys next year", won't cut it. I'll tell you what, making fun of me for not knowing how to do taxes doesn't help. Seriously what kind of nerd would I be to be like, I think today in my free time I'll research on what are/ how do I do my taxes. I'd be stuck in a Tik Tok rabbit hole after the first seven minutes. Thank God John made a miraculous recovery. 

Some of us are even having children of our own. Mostly by accident. Your friends having kids is weird because it forces you to realize that you guys aren't on the lowest rung of the chopping block anymore. It's even more weird when he puts the toddler down for bed and then we call his parents to see how long they'll be out to make sure we can smoke weed in their backyard, just like we did when we were seventeen. Is that us acting immature? Or is it us maturing, realizing that our parents probably weren't being canonized when we went down for a snooze? Verdict is still out, but better him than me. 

Why are we all trapped in this perpetual stage of adolescence? Could it be that our adulthood was birthed by a massive amount of debt, causing us to prolong the reliance on our parents? Who knows? My student loan payment being triple the amount of my parents' first mortgage sure makes it pretty tough to move out. "Well you didn't have to go to coll.." shut the fuck up we all go to college. You guys made it that way when you structured a little thing called the hiring process. What do I know though? Older generations love saying we were never toughened by tragedy, well maybe we're about to find out. We'll be alright I think, we're ready to be all growed up. Maybe?

EDIT: Turns out we're probably not going to alright. Our research on slowing down the maturation process isn't working out so well. We took a big hit yesterday with the leaking of the news interview of spring breakers, adamantly protesting the quarantine despite the deadly ripple effect that can stem from them being a bunch of booze hounds. We, the Millennial Delegation, are now looking to fill the vacant position of Head of PR during these troubling times. Probably going to need a Head of HR too. Stay home you fucking idiots.