If I may, this picture is hilarious. Google gives you the funniest shit sometimes. The picture is from some Georgia news article which means some fifty year old man probably made this with a chef's kiss like, "Ah this will strike fear in the hearts of the public". Fucking 1993 48 Hours ass picture. I apologize for my cabin fever making me roast everything, but it's what brings me to this blog today. I haven't had a cigarette in three years, but maybe I should start up again to curb my attitude. Here's my list of top 7 things bothering me right now. There's definitely more than that but that's the most I could think up in twenty minutes. I've been trying to write something since noon so I only gave myself twenty more minutes until writing something, afraid that I might sabotage myself again and write nothing. I'm just rambling now, maybe I should've put rambling on the list.
7. Pushups
Coming in at number seven because I think it only started today. Seeing people shove fitness in my face because they're 'determined enough' to exercise during a lockdown makes me hungry. I get it, you think you're better than me. It just hit my friend group this afternoon and I warned my group chat that the person who tags me in one of those is done for. Not only will I not partake, I'm going out to the front porch and sneezing in the direction of their house. What the fuck are people thinking? They made John Daly do that shit during a virus scare that targets senior citizens and respiratory systems. Yeah, take the breath away from the guy who's woke up with a cigarette in his mouth for the last thirty six years. Idiots.
6. Student Loan Payments
New graduates tend to start off on an hourly wage. How are you getting paid if your job is shut down? Not their problem. Pay this man his money (Malkovich voice, obviously). Now this doesn't pertain to me personally because I'll still be going to work during the quarantine/lockdown, whatever you want to call it, but still. It would've been nice for the government to dish out a stack a month to offset that payment, but Dick and Harry can't play nice in Washington. Who would've thought?
5. Lists/Rankings/Brackets
There's just too many, find a new gimmick. It was cute at first with it being March and all, I get it, but now it just comes off as lazy and unoriginal. Who in their right mind would add another list to that pile of garbage right now? I don't care about your rankings of athletes I can't watch. The masses of Netflix/Hulu/FuckyFuck lists are all the same. Why does it matter who wins the bracket of TV/movie character most likely to save the world right now. It's so obviously that dude from the Da Vinci Code, it's not even close. Coronavirus pandemic is literally the plot of one of Dan Brown's books with that guy. Get a grip.
4. Not Getting Enough Recognition For Washing My Hands For 20 Seconds
I was made to believe that I was saving the world one wash at a time. Captain Planet who? Most of the time I washed my hands it was just to run the water over them for a millisecond on the off chance somebody asked me, "Did you wash your hands?", so I could say "No shit, what do you think I'm some sort of animal?". I am now the Wayne Gretzky of washing hands. About to eat? WHAM, washed. Finished with the bathroom? BAM, washed. Sneezing/coughing, doing dishes, brushing my teeth, going outside, back inside, anywhere remotely close to a sink? WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM. Washed, washed, washed, washed, washed, aaaand washed. My rapid turnaround for the goodness of mankind should have a Spielberg movie made in it's honor. Palms should be lain beneath my feet. What have I gotten? Crickets.
3. Debating With Myself
I'm very good at arguing and I'm driving my opponent insane. Here are the two biggest debates so far: Frozen 2 was granted an early release to stream on Disney+. Normally, I'm all caught up on the new animated movies, helping watch my three nieces a couple of times a week. Especially Frozen, they love that shit. With my job and exposure to the public, I will most likely not be able to see the little rugrats for a couple of months. Without them, and the boys not coming over mid-pandemic to ironically watch a cartoon princess movie with me, can I make the conscious decision as an almost twenty seven year old man to watch Frozen 2 alone on my couch? Debate still open.
The other internal argument was on drinking. I proposed to my brother that we drink tonight. I plead for us to throw on Madden simulations with actual point spreads, letting him choose whichever team he wanted, while boozing it up. I was denied. Something about it being 'his beer'. Too bad he hasn't been home all day. So am I allowed to drink by myself? On the one hand he'd probably get mad at me for drinking his beer, I haven't drank in three weeks and will probably get hammered, and my dad will definitely come downstairs to call me a drunk. On the other hand, I haven't been drunk in three weeks, I can get hammered, and free beer. What am I going to do with myself?
2. ESPN The Ocho
Biggest sham of all time. Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Don't shove marbles in my face and tell me it's sports. I can't bet on it, I have no one to root for, I have no one to root against. I have no skin in the game. I wish I could say I'm surprised by the positive feedback ESPN received for the Ocho, but I'm not. This is like when Instagram models pose with pizza and then throw it out after the photo's been taken. You're only saying you like it because you think other people like it. I don't give a shit about belly flops, marble racing, or slippery stair racing? Ok, maybe the dodgeball with the jugglers was pretty dope, but other than that? Trash.
1. My Dad's Whistling
Very relatable. My dad hasn't stopped whistling in five days. I never thought he'd have the pipes for it, but here we are. If I tried to explain the volume level of it you wouldn't believe me. The thing is, he only does it while he's cleaning or fixing something around the house. It's done on purpose to constantly remind me that he's the almighty productive one, and that I finished Love Is Blind and Tiger King in a forty eight hour span while just collecting weight. Today I googled how to connect my Airpods to my Xbox because I could hear the whistling one floor up, through my door, and over my TV. The worst part is, he's a really good whistler. He hits different notes and pitches, and it's always clear what song he's listening to. It only makes me want to smother him that much more in the pile of shoes he's created while cleaning out the shoe closet.
I need to take a breath and cool down. Sorry Dad. Off to my brother's room to steal a Newport short.
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