Like it says, getting coronavirus is probably pretty dope. Im going to tell you why in a second, but if at any point your feelings get hurt by this blog please see this disclaimer at the bottom*. The Rona is sweeping our nation, terrifying cities, commandeering full news stations, murdering thousands, and giving me the perfect excuse to tell my mom to piss off when she says "are you ever gunna leave this room"? Can't leave. Might get coronavirus, which would be pretty terrible ma.... or would it?
Am I supposed to be afraid of quarantine? Because they market it like an invitation. Oh no you're going to lock me in a room with a TV, bring me food, and make sure I don't do anything but lay down all day while I presumably vomit and shit my brains out? That's just perpetual Sunday baby, sounds amazing. I'm bringing my xbox, my phone/online sportsbook, probably an extra TV, and my book. Please don't make me gamble, play video games, crush shows, and probably drop a couple pounds; how will I ever get through this?! (I don't think I nailed that semicolon but I went for it)
If you even have a sliver of funny in you, you could become a national hero. Imagine live tweeting your coronavirus experience? Instant viral sensation. Besides tweeting out my daily routine to prove I'm making this virus my bitch, here are a couple tweets I have in the chamber just in case I catch Rona:
-"Doctor said I only have a little coronavirus in my system at the moment. I said 'Ah coronita-virus', he didn't find it funny." Gold.
-"Worst part of coronavirus is the tube in my peehole that's more uncomfortable than Kevin Spacey." I don't know if they'd do the tube thing for this but my dad told me about catheters after his spinal surgery and I've been scared of them ever since.
-"I brought my Xbox to the hospital and have been ironically playing Infected on Call of Duty for the last six hours." Connect with the kids, stay current.
-"I haven't been able to work since I contracted coronavirus, please check out this GoFundMe page to help my hardworking family with my Student Loan payments while I'm out of commission." I mean...
-"Told the doctor I've had this weird craving for human flesh, he said that's normal for someone with coronavirus." Classic.
Use this blueprint and you'll be shaking hands with the president in no time. Just make sure you wash, soap and water.
Coronavirus at first felt so distant and something I'd never have to worry about. Oh ye of little faith. The Asbury Park Press confirmed that a woman from my small hometown in NJ is infected and is being treated in the hospital two towns over. Excuse me while I head to the emergency room and start licking every handle and surface in that joint.
*I don't mean to diminish the severity of this pandemic or the lives it has already taken. Honest thoughts and prayers to anybody affected. I only mean to suggest that if I was going to be taken out by a worldwide zombie virus I'd like to go out laughing.
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