In my professional opinion, the gays are the most well equipped for a nationwide lockdown. Bunker people don't count, they're aliens. Full disclosure, I am not gay. I love gay people, think they're hilarious. I dig their tune but I don't march to the beat of their drum. It's possible that I'm using my gay college roommate to make blanket statements on the community as a whole, but what did you expect? I'm a straight white male, it's kind of our thing. In this blog, I may cross lines that I don't even know I'm crossing. I'm going to try and keep my stereotypes completely complimentary. Also, I must warn you, I have a couple of gay friends so good luck trying to trip me up for this. Plus I'm listening to David Bowie while writing, so anything rude I might say is just a wash at this point. Besides, anyone who is offended by this blog probably isn't gay. In the words of the late great Ralphie May, if you can take a dick you can take a joke.
Let's begin with the evidence. Gay people always have the house stocked the fuck up. Each pantry and cabinet is like a mini Whole Foods. Everything is so neat, organized, and labeled. Food, toiletries, and skin care were already at doomsday level inventory before the virus was ever discovered. I don't know if there is secret gay cooking classes or if they are just born at amateur chef level but damn can they chop it up. It's not just one thing either. They can make all different types of deliciously strange and ethnic dishes. One time I woke up from a mean hangover with gay buddy at the door, he'd been up for three hours already, he goes "Get up bitch I made frittatas". I go "What the fuck are frittatas." I was called an uncultured swine as I woofed it down my gullet, delicious. I finally asked him, "How do you know how to make all this shit, you're a manger at a Sherwin Williams?" He answered a question with a question, "First of all, this isn't 'shit'. Second of all, wouldn't you like to know bitch ass?"
It is very hard to get bored with a gay person. One, they're fucking hilarious and two, they love to entertain. You ever been to a gay person's house? They break out all sorts of card games and party favors on like a Tuesday night. It's around the clock bachelorette party. Gay's sense of humor can not be stressed enough. A lot of their jokes are self-deprecating which I can appreciate, and relate to. It's a wonder how their skin can be so smooth and hairless but at the same time so thick. I guess they had to have to thick skin, they've had hate throw at them most of their lives. Thick skin around friends of course, you can't just walk up and act like an asshole like 'oooh come on they have thick skin'. For example one time we were eating at a Chick-Fil-A in the middle of their We-Hate-Gays campaign. I looked at my gay friend and sarcastically said "Look, if you're uncomfortable eating here we can go someplace else." He looked me dead in the eyes, lips puckered, bobblehead engaged, sass rising and goes "I've had less dicks in my mouth than I have chicken sandwiches. So call Ellen if you need to, I don't give a fuck." Hysterical. You have to be careful what you say sometimes though. As thick as their skin is, they will disembowel you with the meanest comebacks you have ever heard in your life. Pun absolutely intended.
Bonus paragraph on the funny point. Gay people are easily scared and it makes for unlimited entertainment. Enjoy at your own risk and don't be afraid to catch a nail across the forehead. You ever see that gay dude scream and almost drop his croissant? If you need a good laugh Google 'Ahh I could've dropped my croissant!" and 'Jackson and Nick scare'. Now the videos don't necessarily say they're gay, but I mean, I'm pretty sure.
Gay people love fucking. Shocking, I know. Gay couples living in quarantine are probably getting after it though. They have a certain way of flaunting their sexual chemistry that makes us heteros wonder why we hate our partners so much. I wouldn't put it past em to throw on some Ricky Martin, sweat it up, and bump and grind right there in the living room. If I tried that on the ex she'd probably file for a TRO. I'd be shocked to learn that a gay man isn't getting a little ass one night just because he didn't do the dishes. What's stopping them? They may have to worry about the opinion of the Catholic Church, but they don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.
Final point, gay people are fucking gangsters. Gentrification, ever heard of it? They'll walk right into the hood, throw a cafe and organic food store on every corner and be like this is my block now. What the fuck?! You think these people are scared of you? They've been persecuted for generations! If shit hits the fan, I'd hope someone had the balls to try and rob my roommate. They'd be across state lines before he even finished "AWW HEEELL NO". This generation of gays do not play. They were birthed by their equal rights marching predecessors, that's why they love parades so much.
FaceTime your gay friends. Try not to get jealous of their quarantinis, because they may just save your life during these troubling months ahead.
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