Social Media Personified During Quarantine

We are that picture of a snake eating it's own tail. Constantly opening and closing different social media outlets to pass the time. We need to keep up with the things that interest us the most, things we follow. We don't have worries like a toilet paper shortage? It's still ass eating season, hop back on your phone. I miss going out and being amongst the public. I'm the Ariel of quarantine, I want moore. I want to be, where the people are. So after closing twitter for the eleventh time today, I started to imagine my social media apps as stores that I'm visiting. 

Twitter: "What's up man, welcome back. That didn't take long lol."

Me: "Whatever. What do you have for me?"

T: "Can I interest you with how poorly Donald Trump is handling the Coronavirus?"

M: "No."

T: "Alright, how about how well President Trump is handling the China virus?"

M: "No."

T: "Cool cool cool. I got one for you. People are roasting Dark Phoenix right now! That's fun right?

M: "Never seen it."

T: "That matters? Literally everyone is destroying it as we speak. Let off some steam big guy, it's a free jab."

M: "Hardly seems appropriate."

T: "Hmmm you're a tough one to crack. Oh! Sports! You love sports! How about some old clips of really cool highlights?"

M: "Yeah actually that sounds pretty nice."

T: "I knew it, enjoy. While you're at it, here is all the professional journalists opinion on when that sport is projected to start up again!"

M: "Now why would you... on second thought, I'm out of here."

T: WAIT WAIT WAIT TAYLOR SWIFT AND KIM KARDASHIAN JUST..."

Instagram: "Hello again, welcome to Instagram." 

Me: "I don't know what pictures are going to do for me right now, but let's give it a shot."

I: "The amount of memes coming in right now is staggering. They're so funny. Like so so funny. Here take a look."

M: "No thanks. It's kind of like you've seen one, you've seen them all type of thing for me. It's really just the same joke regurgitated."

I: "Shit. We really thought you were here for the memes. Give me a minute. We're going to have to keep going for awhile. Just looking for something more suited to what you're in the mood for. Ah, here we are. Tik Toks!"

M: "Couldn't I just go to Tik Tok for that?"

I: "I mean, yeah, but you're already here right?" 

M: "What else you got?"

I: "Parents have actually been with their kids recently. You should see all the stupid shit kids do. Hilarious."

M: "Yeah, ok. Let me get that."

I: "....... Seems like you're getting a kick out of those kid videos. Told you it was funny stuff. When you're done with that, you're not going to believe what LeBron said on Instagram Live today. Bleacher Report and House of Highlights are all over it."

I: "Hello? You there?"

Snapchat: "Whattup. We got a bunch of dogs."

Me: "Finally, someone with some sense around here." 

S: "....Alright thats all the dogs we got. That chick from your Stats class four years ago is trying to cook again. Wanna see that?"

M: "No."

S: "You sure?"

M: "Ok maybe just a peak."

S: "...How was it? You want to see more people cooking? We've got tons of it."

M: "I've seen enough cooking."

S: "People are drinking with their parents."

M: "Is it funny?"

S: "Not really." 

M: "Anything else Snapchat?"

S: "Yeah you know what Mr. Attitude, there are actually people working out. Remember fitness?"

M: "Fuck you."

S: "Do you want to watch people watching movies?"

M: "Why would I want to do that?"

S: "I don't know."

M: "So..."

S: "So that's actually the end of your friends list. However, we do have these sweet 'Swipe Shows' that people seem to really..."

Tik Tok: "Sup." 

Me: "Sup?"

TT: "We've actually already tailored our content based on what everyone likes. You'll like it around here. So take a scroll and start vibin."

M: "Can you stop dancing?"

TT: "I don't think so." 

M: "Please try."

TT: "Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice instead?" 

M: "What? No?"

TT: "Fine. Here's some nurses dancing and explaining proper hygiene practices."

M: "I know how to wash my hands, thank you."

TT: "Would you rather see a hamster do it?"

M: "No?"

TT: "......."

M: "Is that a bunch of kids butt chugging off each other on spring break?"

TT: "! Learn the facts about COVID-19"

M: "What the fuck was that?"

TT: "I don't know. Here watch this girl dance!"

M: "Dude, how old is she?"

TT: "You right, watch this one dance!"

M: "Is that one even younger?"

TT: "Not sure. This dance doe..."

Facebook: "What're you doing here?!" 

Me: "No idea."

F: "Isn't there rioting in the streets?"

M: "Not last I checked."

F: "I don't know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page."

M: "I'd rather not."

F: "You need to be educating yourself on Covid-19. We're all affected by this. I mean, have you even seen your aunt's Day 7 Quarantine picture?"

M: "Nope, and I don't plan on it eith..."

F: "Here ya go."

M: "Oh what the fuck."

F: "Meme."

M: "What?"

F: "Nothing. Why don't you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the the severity of the Coronavirus?"

M: "No chance."

F: "Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!"

M: "Wait, how did you..."

F: "What... oh.. haha.. nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?"

M: "I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I'd rather not see how my 'mature' friends are doing."

F: "Ok why don't you watch....I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck kickin' it with Doc Fauc, spittin' facts on the Rona?"

M: "Oh fuck off."

Tinder: "Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!"

Me: "What is it?"

TD: "Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!"

M: "Yeah I guess that makes sense. Everyone cooped up in the house, getting lonely."

TD: "Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here that you have no likes at all?"

M: "Thanks for that."

TD: "Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you open up with a cheeky quarantine joke, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely and miserable! WOO!"

M:  "Not really my style."

TD: "What are you waiting for? Try it! WOO!"

M: "Can you stop doing that?"

TD: "Doing what?!"

M: "Forget it, I'm out of here."

TD: "WAIT for only $50 a month, we'll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!"

Me: "I give it up."

PH: "Hi baby! We missed you, welcome back to PornHub!"