Time has been a mirage as of late. The numbers on the clock are no longer guidelines on when I should be asleep and when I should be awake. My sporadic naps and siestas often leave me waking up to the mid day sun and googling Snapple facts at four in the morning. Worry not, for I have found my Knight in shining armor. ASMR is here to save the day.
I first found ASMR while I was scrolling through my sixteenth video of a Facebook video thread. Those things are black holes. Anyway, while I was watching I experienced what we in the ASMR world call 'tingles'. I would describe the sensation as a perverted ghost gently scratching the top of your head. Maybe not the best marketing for it but the feeling is extremely relaxing. Intrigued, relaxed, I googled more ASMR and discovered that it was my ultimate lullaby.
What is ASMR you ask? ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, but I'm sure you've already guessed that. It is a relaxed state induced by the sounds of close gentle noises. ASMR was started by the Ying Yang Twins in 2005 with their groundbreaking work of "Hey lil momma let me whisper in your ear, tell ya somethin that ya might like to hear". Remarkable. Since then ASMR has taken many forms. ASMR could be the sound of rain, it could be a weird guy rubbing stuff on a microphone, a hot girl licking an ear, or chiropractors cracking joints. Cracking happens to be my cup of tea.
The chiropractor videos worked for me for awhile. I watched enough chiropractor videos that I could become one now if I decided to pivot careers. Neck cracks, feet pulls, spine realignments, muah so satisfying. Sadly however, over time my tingles from the chiro videos began to deteriorate. Much like porn, I could no longer make that vanilla shit work for me. That's when I stumbled upon Indian barbers.
In India it's customary to receive a head massage after your shape up. This could include oiling, massaging, and cracking your neck, back, fingers, elbows, unibrow, your fuckin ears (!), and believe it or not, amongst the pros, hair cracks! Shit is nuts. They'll actually pick out certain strands of hair, tug on them, and pop goes the weasel. If I'm watching that shit, call in the Sandman cause I'm out. There's this one youtuber, "Indian Barber" and if this dude walks into your shop, you've made it. He's like the Joe Rogan for Indian barbers. There's this one old dude, Manoj Master, who literally cried when this guy walked into his shop, which was just a shack at the time. Now Manoj drips swag, bought a new shop, and is presumably famous for his haircuts. Monoj is my favorite to fall asleep too, he's an OG, but no one is more entertaining than Asim.
Asim barber is a natural born showman, spinkled in with a little bit of psychopath. Sometimes I get legitimately nervous that he wants to kill the person sitting in his chair. If you don't believe me, heres a couple screen grabs:
I know he's crazy looking, but this is his art. He puts every ounce of swagger he has into each performance. Sometimes he just randomly pimps sunglasses during a video. Asim does this thing when he gets a really good crack, where he peacocks around the room staring at the poor sucker he almost just murdered. It's so intimidating but I can't look away. Asim stopped making videos for a while and eventually a video was released saying he's recovering from an injury. There was a picture of him with his face all fucked up. Wishing Asim a speedy recovery and shooting prayers across the pond, but saw this coming. Dude clearly lives life in the fast lane. It could've been anything. Car crash? Mob hit? You could tell me the Indian government tried taking him out and I'd believe it. Rest up king. I'm getting off topic.
I don't know why I enjoy ASMR. It doesn't work for some people but that certainly isn't the case for me. Is it weird? I only watch videos with over a million views for the assurance that I'm not the only person out there who's participating in this. Still though, one time my dad came in and I launched my phone across the room like a fourteen year old who got caught watching porn. What was I supposed to tell him? I was watching an Indian guy rub another Indian guy so I could fall asleep? I have no answer for this. I do have an answer for why it works though, maybe. A google search says that your brain is being driven by neurohormone oxytocin that causes relaxation, trust, and comfort. I don't know what that means. My theory is when you're, ya know, masturbating, you watch porn right? Why? To simulate the sex that your tricking your brain into thinking your having? What if ASMR is tricking your brain into thinking your getting a massage, and that's why you become relaxed enough to fall asleep? I don't know I'm no scientist, but I think I cracked the code. Some people like watching pimples being popped, some people like being put in a sleeper hold during sex, some people like pineapple on their pizza. They know it's weird, but they can't deny the satisfaction. I just happen to like ASMR.
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