Why Did We Say Olley Olley Oxen Free?

I'm starting to realize that it's a pretty good rule of thumb not to look too deep into anything from your childhood. Freud be damned. Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe from your youth. Most people know how fucked up Ring Around The Rosie is. We just said shit because children before us said it. We never questioned it, we never broke down verses or sayings. We just ran around screaming shit until you were too tired and fell asleep drinking a Capri Sun. Olley Olley Oxen Free is no different. 

Now nobody knows what Olley Olley Oxen Free means, but you know what it means. As in you understand the implication I'm expressing when I say it, but you never realized that those four words in that order make absolutely no fucking sense. The Dictionary of Regional English believe that the phrase is derived from "all ye, all ye, outs in free!". Meaning, the games over and everyone still hiding, come on out. But children, the shitheads that they are, over decades and decades just changed the phrase to sounds that they know and use and that's how we wound up with this nonsense. Makes you wonder with all these mumble rappers if in 100 years will kids be saying "molly molly, pot is free". 

But wait there's more! There's a lot of controversy in the Olley Olley Oxen Free World on the origins of the saying. Some scholars (*mumbles Wikipedia*), believe that it may have actually derived from the German phrase 'alle alle auchs sind frie'. Which if you ask me, sounds a hell of a lot like Olley Olley Oxen Free. The meaning of the saying? All, all, all are free. Meaning "Hey everyone come out of your hiding spots! Look everyone else is free!" Now. Can you think of a time in German history when they might be screaming for people to come out of their hiding spots, and promising them their freedom? Yeah, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Say it on the count of three 1...2...3... Tearing down the Berlin Wall!

Somebody think up a new phrase to say when you reach base, I'm done with this bullshit. 

We Need To Fix Daylight Savings

Right off the bat, the mnemonic is bull shit. I can just as easily fall forward as I can fall back. I never remember which one we get to sleep more and which one we get one less hour at the bar. If my memory serves, this is one of those things they pretend Ben Franklin invented. They say he invented like this, electricity, glasses, and libraries. No way one guy invented all of that shit. Ben Franklin allegedly created daylight savings for farmers I think. Back then though, everyone was a farmer or you didn't eat. We need to go with what's good for the majority of the public. The fall clock-turn is fine, leave it the way it is. Spring however needs to stop springing forward. This is my argument for more nighttime year round.  

I propose that it gets dark at 6:00 pm throughout the whole year. What good comes from sunlight? Daytime sucks. What do you do during the day? Work? Run errands? Night time is where the fun is. It's when we go out to bars. During the summer people don't go to bars until 10:00pm because it's only been dark for like an hour. Then you're up til an ungodly hour because you only have few hours to squeeze your night in. During winter, the second the sun goes down it becomes socially acceptable to hit the bar. "But we like to day drink!" Grow up, day drinking stinks and it makes you way too sleepy. Besides, you still have until six to day drink that's plenty of time. 

Sporting events are better at night. Especially baseball games. When you're walking into a baseball stadium for a day game you say a silent prayer in the ticket line that you're in a section where the sun isn't shining. If hanging with the sun is so great, why does everybody love shade? Then there's that sweet spot in a ball game, where the sun is setting over the stadium. We can have that for almost every game!

For the homebodies this is crucial. If the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, there will always be someone to tell you to get out of the house. For whatever reason, people pretend that it isn't socially acceptable to watch tv or play video games while there's still daylight to be had. My manifesto reduces that window for people to make you feel like shit for being inside. 

Mo' sun mo' problems. I challenge anyone to give me a good reason why we should keep that thing in the air any longer than it has to be. What can you not do at night that you do during the day? Keep in mind that you still have until 6:00 to go to the beach, tan, play sports, jog, whatever it is you people do.  More fun, less sun. 

Quarantine Redecorating, Online Shopping On A Budget

I've been looking for a project to do while I'm cooped in the suburbs. I bought MLB The Show two days ago, and I'm already sick of switching back and forth between my PS4 and my Xbox. It's a new level of lazy. Xbox has my Call of Duty and shows, PS4 has literally only The Show. Each time I'm done with The Show I have to unplug the Playstation, plug the Xbox back in, and switch the HDMI cord from one system to the other. Sometimes I lay down to watch my show, realize that the Playstation is still hooked up, and I go postal. If only I had a Playstation room, so I could leave my Xbox constantly plugged into my bedroom TV. Just the ticket, my mom walked out a couple of months ago and left behind an empty bedroom, and a family. I've decided to make it my man cave. 

My brother and I already moved the old living room furniture into it. We just kind of threw it in there though. Rearrange the furniture, check. I got my old college TV from the garage, put it on an old dresser and hooked up the Playstation. Video games, check. While in the garage I found my old mini fridge and filled it with a six pack. Beer, check. I had a couch, video games, and beer. You would think the man cave was complete but it was missing something. The walls were barren. There are outlines throughout the room where family photos used to hang. It was all very depressing, kind of like that last Fresh Prince episode. Time to decorate, spice the place up a bit. 

I've seen loads of people tweeting about all the online shopping they've been doing since Coronavirus commandeered the country. Amazon seemed to be the store of choice. I went to Amazon, Amazon is fucking expensive. There's cool shit there don't get me wrong, but I'd have to remortgage my loans again to afford a spree. When I was in college we used to crush Goodwill stores. That's where I found Big Dave, who still hangs in my bedroom to this day (pictured below). 

I googled the local Goodwill on the Hail Mary that they were labeled essential, they weren't. I went to the Goodwill website to see if there was any update on when they plan to reopen, and that is when I made a discovery of Indiana Jones proportions. Goodwill has an online store of infinite treasures. I got sucked in for hours perusing around and found thousands of steals. For the sake of this blog I'll just cue you in on my decorative purchases. Most decorators will tell you to stick to a theme. Fuck that. If it looks cool, throw in the cart.

15. Signed Photo of Al Pacino $9.95 

Every MTV Cribs episode featured some sort of Scarface Art, so this seemed like a good place to start. 

14. Budweiser Metal Signs $9.99

Just in case you were wondering if I drink, bro. 

13. Tom Hanks Signed Photo $11.00

A tip of the cap to our quarantine king, Hanx. 

12. Retro Buffy The Vampire Slayer Poster $7.99

Buffy's hot, no way around it. 

11. Leo Dio Signed Photo $9.95

I'm not sure how authentic this is, but for ten dollars, I'll bite. Why would Goodwill lie? 

10. Bob Marley Painting $32.00

If you don't have Bob Marley hanging on your wall how are people supposed to know you're cool? It's a bit pricey but it comes with a sweet hand made wood frame. 

9. Wille Nelson Drawing $8.99

You might not be able to tell by the last two purchases on my list, but I honestly don't smoke weed. It's a chalk pastel though, whatever that means. Looks like someone put a lot of work into it. 

8. Budweiser Case $16.99 

I figured I could use this as a foot rest that doubles as storage for my video games. Plus it comes with a sweet pair of roller skates for no reason. 

7. Jennie Finch Signed Poster $12.99 

Because who wouldn't want a smoke gold medalist on their wall? What a find. 

6. John Wayne Drawing $29.99

This is a man cave isn't it? Who better to watch over me than Duke, the epitome of the American man. 

5. Signed Poster of Former Playmate, Petra Verkaik $6.95

The inscription reads "Richard you're a real cutie, call me in 10 years!". I don't know this Petra, but she was Miss December in 1989. I hope she's doing well. 

4. Angelina Jolie Signed Laura Croft photo $6.95

I mean, come on. If you didn't have a crush on Laura Croft, cartoon or otherwise, go shit in your hand. 

3. Picture of Old Guys Playing Poker $11.99

This piece really speaks to me. Just gents bein gents. That one miner is passing an ace of hearts to his buddy with his dirty ass foot. I'm pretty sure they're colluding against Teddy Roosevelt? 

2. Jerry Seinfeld Signed Photo $29.99

Ok this one actually comes with a certificate of authenticity. Thirty dollars is highway robbery. 

1. Lando Calrissian Cot 45 Poster $31.99

I honestly can't believe something this perfect exists. It encompasses everything you could possibly need for a man cave. Lando, beer, slave Leia, and implied adultery. 

Well there's my list ranked from least to most favorite. Comes to a grand total of $237.71. The decoration exploring took me three hours alone. Oh and by the way I didn't buy a single thing. This is quarantine life now. I spent the whole day pretending I was going to buy things for a project I'm never going to do. How was your day?  

Does It Make You Weirdo For Liking ASMR?

Time has been a mirage as of late. The numbers on the clock are no longer guidelines on when I should be asleep and when I should be awake. My sporadic naps and siestas often leave me waking up to the mid day sun and googling Snapple facts at four in the morning. Worry not, for I have found my Knight in shining armor. ASMR is here to save the day. 

I first found ASMR while I was scrolling through my sixteenth video of a Facebook video thread. Those things are black holes. Anyway, while I was watching I experienced what we in the ASMR world call 'tingles'. I would describe the sensation as a perverted ghost gently scratching the top of your head. Maybe not the best marketing for it but the feeling is extremely relaxing. Intrigued, relaxed, I googled more ASMR and discovered that it was my ultimate lullaby. 

What is ASMR you ask? ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, but I'm sure you've already guessed that. It is a relaxed state induced by the sounds of close gentle noises. ASMR was started by the Ying Yang Twins in 2005 with their groundbreaking work of "Hey lil momma let me whisper in your ear, tell ya somethin that ya might like to hear". Remarkable. Since then ASMR has taken many forms. ASMR could be the sound of rain, it could be a weird guy rubbing stuff on a microphone, a hot girl licking an ear, or chiropractors cracking joints. Cracking happens to be my cup of tea. 

The chiropractor videos worked for me for awhile. I watched enough chiropractor videos that I could become one now if I decided to pivot careers. Neck cracks, feet pulls, spine realignments, muah so satisfying. Sadly however, over time my tingles from the chiro videos began to deteriorate. Much like porn, I could no longer make that vanilla shit work for me. That's when I stumbled upon Indian barbers. 

In India it's customary to receive a head massage after your shape up. This could include oiling, massaging, and cracking your neck, back, fingers, elbows, unibrow, your fuckin ears (!), and believe it or not, amongst the pros, hair cracks! Shit is nuts. They'll actually pick out certain strands of hair, tug on them, and pop goes the weasel. If I'm watching that shit, call in the Sandman cause I'm out. There's this one youtuber, "Indian Barber" and if this dude walks into your shop, you've made it. He's like the Joe Rogan for Indian barbers. There's this one old dude, Manoj Master, who literally cried when this guy walked into his shop, which was just a shack at the time. Now Manoj drips swag, bought a new shop, and is presumably famous for his haircuts. Monoj is my favorite to fall asleep too, he's an OG, but no one is more entertaining than Asim. 

Asim barber is a natural born showman, spinkled in with a little bit of psychopath. Sometimes I get legitimately nervous that he wants to kill the person sitting in his chair. If you don't believe me, heres a couple screen grabs: 

I know he's crazy looking, but this is his art. He puts every ounce of swagger he has into each performance. Sometimes he just randomly pimps sunglasses during a video. Asim does this thing when he gets a really good crack, where he peacocks around the room staring at the poor sucker he almost just murdered. It's so intimidating but I can't look away. Asim stopped making videos for a while and eventually a video was released saying he's recovering from an injury. There was a picture of him with his face all fucked up. Wishing Asim a speedy recovery and shooting prayers across the pond, but saw this coming. Dude clearly lives life in the fast lane. It could've been anything. Car crash? Mob hit? You could tell me the Indian government tried taking him out and I'd believe it. Rest up king. I'm getting off topic. 

I don't know why I enjoy ASMR. It doesn't work for some people but that certainly isn't the case for me. Is it weird? I only watch videos with over a million views for the assurance that I'm not the only person out there who's participating in this. Still though, one time my dad came in and I launched my phone across the room like a fourteen year old who got caught watching porn. What was I supposed to tell him? I was watching an Indian guy rub another Indian guy so I could fall asleep? I have no answer for this. I do have an answer for why it works though, maybe. A google search says that your brain is being driven by neurohormone oxytocin that causes relaxation, trust, and comfort. I don't know what that means. My theory is when you're, ya know, masturbating, you watch porn right? Why? To simulate the sex that your tricking your brain into thinking your having? What if ASMR is tricking your brain into thinking your getting a massage, and that's why you become relaxed enough to fall asleep? I don't know I'm no scientist, but I think I cracked the code. Some people like watching pimples being popped, some people like being put in a sleeper hold during sex, some people like pineapple on their pizza. They know it's weird, but they can't deny the satisfaction. I just happen to like ASMR.

Types Of People From High School I Realized I Still Follow On Twitter

Everyone has been murdering screen time while being locked inside their homes. My biggest culprit, Twitter. With all this time to kill, I am carefully reading each tweet individually. Tweets that are normally scrolled right over are now coming under heavy scrutiny from yours truly. It's crazy because I didn't even realize they were there. It's like driving past that abandoned building in your hometown. Your brain doesn't even register it, you've just accepted it as part of the backdrop. You don't know how long it's been there or what it's function even used to be. Well not anymore. 

The angry jock. The angry jock is just your classic movie stereotype. His varsity peak has led him to drink too much, but instead of yelling at people in local watering holes, he terrorizes twitter. Since he was the starting shortstop he automatically knows more than every professional journalist out there. And trust me, he let's ESPN hear it. Close the yearbook, old buddy. 

The girl you had a crush on. This one plucks at the ol heart strings. Maybe she was your lab partner, maybe she giggled at your jokes, maybe she was that girl from that Bowling for Soup song. Most guys have that one girl in high school that they'd leave their current girlfriend for if given the chance. I'm glad I discovered this one, I'm not above throwing a couple favorites out there to see if I still have a shot. 

The DJ. Maybe it's our fault. You were invited to party with every single friend group. Not because you were friends with them, but because nobody wanted to leave their phone unattended plugged into the speaker. I have no opinion on how I feel when that new beat you made drops, please stop asking me. Thank you for dming me when my Nan died, but it was completely inappropriate to ask me who was DJing the repass. Even if you really were going to give me that discount. 

The stoner. Keep doing you, man.

The pyramid schemer. I hate you. Don't blame me for you buying all that shampoo. I don't care how pretty you think my girlfriend or sister is, I'm not giving you their phone number. Keep trying, I can do this all day. I will leave you on read for the rest of eternity.

The dude who still overly supports the athletic program. I know it was fun painting our faces for a football game when we were seventeen, but it's over now. You majored in Criminal Justice, why are you acting like you're being groomed for the next Athletic Director opening? Plus some of those highschoolers' stats that you're drooling over is some of our friend's baby siblings. You're freaking us out. 

The heroine addict. Yikes. You know, I thought something was up when you asked me to meet you in the Taco Bell parking lot even though we were never really friends. I know you said you only wanted a crunchwrap supreme but your innuendos were suggesting a lot more. I'm honestly glad to see that you're recovered now, but we're all getting sick of the poetry posts. 

The borderline popular girl who joined a sorority in college. We're all very happy for you for becoming treasurer at Alpha Omega, but enough is enough. Everyone misses their college friends, stop showing us your 'sisters' with the crying emoji face. And no, I will not donate to your 55th fundraiser this year even though you've graduated. I didn't do it back when we sort of knew each other, what makes you think I would donate now when we haven't spoken in eight years?

The class clown who's real serious now. It's not my fault that you tried too many drugs in college, stop depressing me. I know you're 'woke' now but you don't have to believe every single conspiracy theory ever made. You used to make moaning noises when the Business teacher's back was turned, you don't get to play Chicken Little with the economy now. Make me a bicycle clown.  

The wannabe Barstool Blogger. Give it a rest man, you're embarrassing yourself. 

A Little Insight Into Releasing Inmates From County Jail

New Jersey just recently announced it is doing a mass release of current inmates in County Jails across the state. I haven't looked into if other states are doing this or not, but I imagine a lot will follow suit, if they haven't already. The point of this blog is to give you my feelings and opinions as someone who is familiar with this world. My feelings and opinions only. I do not represent the opinions of any other agency. Everything is going to be alright, the state is not a bunch of dumb dumbs. 

First things first, for those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo of our justice system, jail is much different from prison. The inmates in jail are fulfilling municipal level sentences, probationary violations, and those awaiting trial for more serious crimes. Prison inmates have already gone to court, been found guilty, and serving their time for more serious crimes. Attorney General, Gurbir Grewal, announced the release will be only for inmates in county jail for a probationary sentence or a municipal court conviction. These are all non-violent criminals! That means your DWIs, your shoplifters, possession of CDS (controlled dangerous substance) ((Drugs)), and people who haven't been paying their fines. There's more but I'm not going to sit here and write every disorderly persons offense or else we'd be here all night. 

Now you might say "But, but, what about people being let out on simple assault? That's violent!" Fuckin not really. Simple assault is like your bar fights, or any punching, shoving, kicking with intent to cause bodily harm to another. What makes it simple and not aggravated is the that the injuries sustained by the victim are minor. So if you have ever hit, punched, kicked or shoved someone are you a violent person? Exactly, shaaat up. All of these people being released were serving a year or less sentences. They're only getting out a couple months early. 

Even though I've explained this masterfully, I'll give you a story about an actual person to make this all real for you. There was a kid, like 23 or something like that, let's say his name is Grover. Like a year prior, Grover was in an argument with a friend on the side of the street and they started shoving each other. The cops showed up and both guys were still screaming at each other. They made up once they saw the po-po, but it was very obvious that they were drinking. How obvious you say? They were walking down the street at like three in the afternoon with a bottle of Traveler's Club. There was a multitude of charges they could've been written but the cop cut them a break. The officer only wrote Grover a borough ordinance for an open container, since he was the one holding the bottle. It's a fifty dollar ticket, slap on the wrist. The cop figured Grover would cough up fifty bucks to the court and consider it a lesson learned. The kid never shows up to court, never pays the fine. A few months go by and Grover's pulled over in another town for who knows what. He gets arrested on an outstanding warrant issued by the town he never paid the ticket for. The arresting town tells him if he can come up with the fifty dollars, he doesn't have to go to jail to wait for his court hearing for the open container. Grover doesn't have the greatest support system, and can't find anyone to lend him fifty dollars. Do Not Collect $200. He goes to jail on a Thursday. Court for this particular town is normally held on Wednesdays. This upcoming Wednesday however, there's no court. So now this 23 year old kid who's never been in jail, has to wait almost two weeks locked up for a fifty dollar ticket. Time served in every jail is different, but depending on how many days you were in jail is x amount of dollars towards the fine you owe. For example, if you owe a town $200, serving time in a jail that is $50 a day, four days time served would fulfill your debt. The jail that Grover was in was fifty dollars a day for time served. Meaning, one day served would make him even stevens. Since he skipped out on his original court dates, and was now awaiting his new court hearing from jail, meant Grover had to spend an extra twelve days in jail. Now, in no way am I saying this is every case in county. Far from it. But imagine if this kid was locked up recently. The courts in New Jersey are currently all closed and without a release of inmates like this, people like Grover awaiting a new court date could have served months and months for stupid shit like walking down the street with a bottle of Traveler's Club.   

Still not convinced? Like I imagine these people aren't:

What about the corrections officers who punch that clock every day while you sit at home in your jammies doing your video conferences. With the current inmate population, proper social distancing is impossible. The close quarters the inmates are accustomed to can cause a massive outbreak. This puts the officers, nurses, and anyone else in the building at a major risk. These men and women don't get to binge Ozark on Friday and order DoorDash to the couch. They have to put on that uniform every morning and God-willing, get back safely to their families at night. If we can in any way responsively alleviate the dangers these people face day in and day out, then pull the trigger. We should all be on board. Sorry I used "God-willing", I'm not a religious person but it was appropriate.

So should you be locking your doors? No shit, it's 2020 you psychopath. As for the inmates coming out though, no need to seriously worry. They would have been out in a couple of months anyway and you would have been none the wiser. No need to hide your kids or your wife. 

Is The Gay Community The Best Equipped For A Lockdown?

In my professional opinion, the gays are the most well equipped for a nationwide lockdown. Bunker people don't count, they're aliens. Full disclosure, I am not gay. I love gay people, think they're hilarious. I dig their tune but I don't march to the beat of their drum. It's possible that I'm using my gay college roommate to make blanket statements on the community as a whole, but what did you expect? I'm a straight white male, it's kind of our thing. In this blog, I may cross lines that I don't even know I'm crossing. I'm going to try and keep my stereotypes completely complimentary. Also, I must warn you, I have a couple of gay friends so good luck trying to trip me up for this. Plus I'm listening to David Bowie while writing, so anything rude I might say is just a wash at this point. Besides, anyone who is offended by this blog probably isn't gay. In the words of the late great Ralphie May, if you can take a dick you can take a joke. 

Let's begin with the evidence. Gay people always have the house stocked the fuck up. Each pantry and cabinet is like a mini Whole Foods. Everything is so neat, organized, and labeled. Food, toiletries, and skin care were already at doomsday level inventory before the virus was ever discovered. I don't know if there is secret gay cooking classes or if they are just born at amateur chef level but damn can they chop it up. It's not just one thing either. They can make all different types of deliciously strange and ethnic dishes. One time I woke up from a mean hangover with gay buddy at the door, he'd been up for three hours already, he goes "Get up bitch I made frittatas". I go "What the fuck are frittatas." I was called an uncultured swine as I woofed it down my gullet, delicious. I finally asked him, "How do you know how to make all this shit, you're a manger at a Sherwin Williams?" He answered a question with a question, "First of all, this isn't 'shit'. Second of all, wouldn't you like to know bitch ass?"

It is very hard to get bored with a gay person. One, they're fucking hilarious and two, they love to entertain. You ever been to a gay person's house? They break out all sorts of card games and party favors on like a Tuesday night. It's around the clock bachelorette party. Gay's sense of humor can not be stressed enough. A lot of their jokes are self-deprecating which I can appreciate, and relate to. It's a wonder how their skin can be so smooth and hairless but at the same time so thick. I guess they had to have to thick skin, they've had hate throw at them most of their lives. Thick skin around friends of course, you can't just walk up and act like an asshole like 'oooh come on they have thick skin'. For example one time we were eating at a Chick-Fil-A in the middle of their We-Hate-Gays campaign. I looked at my gay friend and sarcastically said "Look, if you're uncomfortable eating here we can go someplace else." He looked me dead in the eyes, lips puckered, bobblehead engaged, sass rising and goes "I've had less dicks in my mouth than I have chicken sandwiches. So call Ellen if you need to, I don't give a fuck." Hysterical. You have to be careful what you say sometimes though. As thick as their skin is, they will disembowel you with the meanest comebacks you have ever heard in your life. Pun absolutely intended. 

Bonus paragraph on the funny point. Gay people are easily scared and it makes for unlimited entertainment. Enjoy at your own risk and don't be afraid to catch a nail across the forehead. You ever see that gay dude scream and almost drop his croissant? If you need a good laugh Google 'Ahh I could've dropped my croissant!" and 'Jackson and Nick scare'. Now the videos don't necessarily say they're gay, but I mean, I'm pretty sure. 

Gay people love fucking. Shocking, I know. Gay couples living in quarantine are probably getting after it though. They have a certain way of flaunting their sexual chemistry that makes us heteros wonder why we hate our partners so much. I wouldn't put it past em to throw on some Ricky Martin, sweat it up, and bump and grind right there in the living room. If I tried that on the ex she'd probably file for a TRO. I'd be shocked to learn that a gay man isn't getting a little ass one night just because he didn't do the dishes. What's stopping them? They may have to worry about the opinion of the Catholic Church, but they don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant. 

Final point, gay people are fucking gangsters. Gentrification, ever heard of it? They'll walk right into the hood, throw a cafe and organic food store on every corner and be like this is my block now. What the fuck?! You think these people are scared of you? They've been persecuted for generations! If shit hits the fan, I'd hope someone had the balls to try and rob my roommate. They'd be across state lines before he even finished "AWW HEEELL NO". This generation of gays do not play. They were birthed by their equal rights marching predecessors, that's why they love parades so much. 

FaceTime your gay friends. Try not to get jealous of their quarantinis, because they may just save your life during these troubling months ahead.    

My List Of Top 7 Things Bothering Me During Quaratine

If I may, this picture is hilarious. Google gives you the funniest shit sometimes. The picture is from some Georgia news article which means some fifty year old man probably made this with a chef's kiss like, "Ah this will strike fear in the hearts of the public". Fucking 1993 48 Hours ass picture. I apologize for my cabin fever making me roast everything, but it's what brings me to this blog today. I haven't had a cigarette in three years, but maybe I should start up again to curb my attitude. Here's my list of top 7 things bothering me right now. There's definitely more than that but that's the most I could think up in twenty minutes. I've been trying to write something since noon so I only gave myself twenty more minutes until writing something, afraid that I might sabotage myself again and write nothing. I'm just rambling now, maybe I should've put rambling on the list.  

7. Pushups 

Coming in at number seven because I think it only started today. Seeing people shove fitness in my face because they're 'determined enough' to exercise during a lockdown makes me hungry. I get it, you think you're better than me. It just hit my friend group this afternoon and I warned my group chat that the person who tags me in one of those is done for. Not only will I not partake, I'm going out to the front porch and sneezing in the direction of their house. What the fuck are people thinking? They made John Daly do that shit during a virus scare that targets senior citizens and respiratory systems. Yeah, take the breath away from the guy who's woke up with a cigarette in his mouth for the last thirty six years. Idiots. 

6. Student Loan Payments

New graduates tend to start off on an hourly wage. How are you getting paid if your job is shut down? Not their problem. Pay this man his money (Malkovich voice, obviously). Now this doesn't pertain to me personally because I'll still be going to work during the quarantine/lockdown, whatever you want to call it, but still. It would've been nice for the government to dish out a stack a month to offset that payment, but Dick and Harry can't play nice in Washington. Who would've thought?

5. Lists/Rankings/Brackets

There's just too many, find a new gimmick. It was cute at first with it being March and all, I get it, but now it just comes off as lazy and unoriginal. Who in their right mind would add another list to that pile of garbage right now? I don't care about your rankings of athletes I can't watch. The masses of Netflix/Hulu/FuckyFuck lists are all the same. Why does it matter who wins the bracket of TV/movie character most likely to save the world right now. It's so obviously that dude from the Da Vinci Code, it's not even close. Coronavirus pandemic is literally the plot of one of Dan Brown's books with that guy. Get a grip. 

4. Not Getting Enough Recognition For Washing My Hands For 20 Seconds

I was made to believe that I was saving the world one wash at a time. Captain Planet who? Most of the time I washed my hands it was just to run the water over them for a millisecond on the off chance somebody asked me, "Did you wash your hands?", so I could say "No shit, what do you think I'm some sort of animal?". I am now the Wayne Gretzky of washing hands. About to eat? WHAM, washed. Finished with the bathroom? BAM, washed. Sneezing/coughing, doing dishes, brushing my teeth, going outside, back inside, anywhere remotely close to a sink? WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM. Washed, washed, washed, washed, washed, aaaand washed. My rapid turnaround for the goodness of mankind should have a Spielberg movie made in it's honor. Palms should be lain beneath my feet. What have I gotten? Crickets. 

3. Debating With Myself 

I'm very good at arguing and I'm driving my opponent insane. Here are the two biggest debates so far: Frozen 2 was granted an early release to stream on Disney+. Normally, I'm all caught up on the new animated movies, helping watch my three nieces a couple of times a week. Especially Frozen, they love that shit. With my job and exposure to the public, I will most likely not be able to see the little rugrats for a couple of months. Without them, and the boys not coming over mid-pandemic to ironically watch a cartoon princess movie with me, can I make the conscious decision as an almost twenty seven year old man to watch Frozen 2 alone on my couch? Debate still open. 

The other internal argument was on drinking. I proposed to my brother that we drink tonight. I plead for us to throw on Madden simulations with actual point spreads, letting him choose whichever team he wanted, while boozing it up. I was denied. Something about it being 'his beer'. Too bad he hasn't been home all day. So am I allowed to drink by myself? On the one hand he'd probably get mad at me for drinking his beer, I haven't drank in three weeks and will probably get hammered, and my dad will definitely come downstairs to call me a drunk. On the other hand, I haven't been drunk in three weeks, I can get hammered, and free beer. What am I going to do with myself?

2. ESPN The Ocho 

Biggest sham of all time. Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Don't shove marbles in my face and tell me it's sports. I can't bet on it, I have no one to root for, I have no one to root against. I have no skin in the game. I wish I could say I'm surprised by the positive feedback ESPN received for the Ocho, but I'm not. This is like when Instagram models pose with pizza and then throw it out after the photo's been taken. You're only saying you like it because you think other people like it. I don't give a shit about belly flops, marble racing, or slippery stair racing? Ok, maybe the dodgeball with the jugglers was pretty dope, but other than that? Trash. 

1. My Dad's Whistling

Very relatable. My dad hasn't stopped whistling in five days. I never thought he'd have the pipes for it, but here we are. If I tried to explain the volume level of it you wouldn't believe me. The thing is, he only does it while he's cleaning or fixing something around the house. It's done on purpose to constantly remind me that he's the almighty productive one, and that I finished Love Is Blind and Tiger King in a forty eight hour span while just collecting weight. Today I googled how to connect my Airpods to my Xbox because I could hear the whistling one floor up, through my door, and over my TV. The worst part is, he's a really good whistler. He hits different notes and pitches, and it's always clear what song he's listening to. It only makes me want to smother him that much more in the pile of shoes he's created while cleaning out the shoe closet. 

I need to take a breath and cool down. Sorry Dad. Off to my brother's room to steal a Newport short. 

Social Media Personified During Quarantine

We are that picture of a snake eating it's own tail. Constantly opening and closing different social media outlets to pass the time. We need to keep up with the things that interest us the most, things we follow. We don't have worries like a toilet paper shortage? It's still ass eating season, hop back on your phone. I miss going out and being amongst the public. I'm the Ariel of quarantine, I want moore. I want to be, where the people are. So after closing twitter for the eleventh time today, I started to imagine my social media apps as stores that I'm visiting. 

Twitter: "What's up man, welcome back. That didn't take long lol."

Me: "Whatever. What do you have for me?"

T: "Can I interest you with how poorly Donald Trump is handling the Coronavirus?"

M: "No."

T: "Alright, how about how well President Trump is handling the China virus?"

M: "No."

T: "Cool cool cool. I got one for you. People are roasting Dark Phoenix right now! That's fun right?

M: "Never seen it."

T: "That matters? Literally everyone is destroying it as we speak. Let off some steam big guy, it's a free jab."

M: "Hardly seems appropriate."

T: "Hmmm you're a tough one to crack. Oh! Sports! You love sports! How about some old clips of really cool highlights?"

M: "Yeah actually that sounds pretty nice."

T: "I knew it, enjoy. While you're at it, here is all the professional journalists opinion on when that sport is projected to start up again!"

M: "Now why would you... on second thought, I'm out of here."

T: WAIT WAIT WAIT TAYLOR SWIFT AND KIM KARDASHIAN JUST..."

Instagram: "Hello again, welcome to Instagram." 

Me: "I don't know what pictures are going to do for me right now, but let's give it a shot."

I: "The amount of memes coming in right now is staggering. They're so funny. Like so so funny. Here take a look."

M: "No thanks. It's kind of like you've seen one, you've seen them all type of thing for me. It's really just the same joke regurgitated."

I: "Shit. We really thought you were here for the memes. Give me a minute. We're going to have to keep going for awhile. Just looking for something more suited to what you're in the mood for. Ah, here we are. Tik Toks!"

M: "Couldn't I just go to Tik Tok for that?"

I: "I mean, yeah, but you're already here right?" 

M: "What else you got?"

I: "Parents have actually been with their kids recently. You should see all the stupid shit kids do. Hilarious."

M: "Yeah, ok. Let me get that."

I: "....... Seems like you're getting a kick out of those kid videos. Told you it was funny stuff. When you're done with that, you're not going to believe what LeBron said on Instagram Live today. Bleacher Report and House of Highlights are all over it."

I: "Hello? You there?"

Snapchat: "Whattup. We got a bunch of dogs."

Me: "Finally, someone with some sense around here." 

S: "....Alright thats all the dogs we got. That chick from your Stats class four years ago is trying to cook again. Wanna see that?"

M: "No."

S: "You sure?"

M: "Ok maybe just a peak."

S: "...How was it? You want to see more people cooking? We've got tons of it."

M: "I've seen enough cooking."

S: "People are drinking with their parents."

M: "Is it funny?"

S: "Not really." 

M: "Anything else Snapchat?"

S: "Yeah you know what Mr. Attitude, there are actually people working out. Remember fitness?"

M: "Fuck you."

S: "Do you want to watch people watching movies?"

M: "Why would I want to do that?"

S: "I don't know."

M: "So..."

S: "So that's actually the end of your friends list. However, we do have these sweet 'Swipe Shows' that people seem to really..."

Tik Tok: "Sup." 

Me: "Sup?"

TT: "We've actually already tailored our content based on what everyone likes. You'll like it around here. So take a scroll and start vibin."

M: "Can you stop dancing?"

TT: "I don't think so." 

M: "Please try."

TT: "Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice instead?" 

M: "What? No?"

TT: "Fine. Here's some nurses dancing and explaining proper hygiene practices."

M: "I know how to wash my hands, thank you."

TT: "Would you rather see a hamster do it?"

M: "No?"

TT: "......."

M: "Is that a bunch of kids butt chugging off each other on spring break?"

TT: "! Learn the facts about COVID-19"

M: "What the fuck was that?"

TT: "I don't know. Here watch this girl dance!"

M: "Dude, how old is she?"

TT: "You right, watch this one dance!"

M: "Is that one even younger?"

TT: "Not sure. This dance doe..."

Facebook: "What're you doing here?!" 

Me: "No idea."

F: "Isn't there rioting in the streets?"

M: "Not last I checked."

F: "I don't know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page."

M: "I'd rather not."

F: "You need to be educating yourself on Covid-19. We're all affected by this. I mean, have you even seen your aunt's Day 7 Quarantine picture?"

M: "Nope, and I don't plan on it eith..."

F: "Here ya go."

M: "Oh what the fuck."

F: "Meme."

M: "What?"

F: "Nothing. Why don't you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the the severity of the Coronavirus?"

M: "No chance."

F: "Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!"

M: "Wait, how did you..."

F: "What... oh.. haha.. nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?"

M: "I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I'd rather not see how my 'mature' friends are doing."

F: "Ok why don't you watch....I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck kickin' it with Doc Fauc, spittin' facts on the Rona?"

M: "Oh fuck off."

Tinder: "Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!"

Me: "What is it?"

TD: "Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!"

M: "Yeah I guess that makes sense. Everyone cooped up in the house, getting lonely."

TD: "Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here that you have no likes at all?"

M: "Thanks for that."

TD: "Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you open up with a cheeky quarantine joke, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely and miserable! WOO!"

M:  "Not really my style."

TD: "What are you waiting for? Try it! WOO!"

M: "Can you stop doing that?"

TD: "Doing what?!"

M: "Forget it, I'm out of here."

TD: "WAIT for only $50 a month, we'll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!"

Me: "I give it up."

PH: "Hi baby! We missed you, welcome back to PornHub!"

We Suck At Growing Up

We had this dude Geoffrey telling us every other Nickelodeon commercial not to grow up cause we're Toys R Us kids, and we listened. I don't have any legal qualifications to psychoanalyze a whole generation but I have watched a lot of shows with psychologists so I feel pretty confident in my theory. We suck at growing up. 

The royal we, as a generation, are addicted to things that make us feel like children. Don't believe me? Lets take a look at some movies. Cinderella was made in 1950, Dumbo in 1941. Cinderella's 2015 remake made 542.4 million, and the 2019 Dumbo made 353.3 mil. The Aladdin cartoon came out in 1992 and Lion King, 1994. Their 2019 live action remakes made 1.051 billion and 1.657 billion respectively. We all went to the 90's movies to get that little bit of kid-magic back. 

There's a sense of security in replicating our feelings from when we were children. Much like me, with my adult pacifier. I Juul constantly and I can't stop. I now pay fifty dollars for two packs of mint pods at a sketchy gas station because I didn't want to get rid of my binky. It doesn't matter if my chest randomly feels like someone is wringing out the inside, it comforts me and I'm keeping it. 

Millennials find ourselves at a strange crossroads. Sometimes us giant babies are put into adult situations based solely on being in our 'twenties' and 'thirties'. Completely unfair. I have to do my taxes now? Our family friend has always done our taxes since forever. He almost died this year and I asked some of the grown ups how I should approach possibly having to do my taxes. Apparently telling the government that "My neighbor from three decades and two houses ago who handled all of this, is now dead and I'll get you guys next year", won't cut it. I'll tell you what, making fun of me for not knowing how to do taxes doesn't help. Seriously what kind of nerd would I be to be like, I think today in my free time I'll research on what are/ how do I do my taxes. I'd be stuck in a Tik Tok rabbit hole after the first seven minutes. Thank God John made a miraculous recovery. 

Some of us are even having children of our own. Mostly by accident. Your friends having kids is weird because it forces you to realize that you guys aren't on the lowest rung of the chopping block anymore. It's even more weird when he puts the toddler down for bed and then we call his parents to see how long they'll be out to make sure we can smoke weed in their backyard, just like we did when we were seventeen. Is that us acting immature? Or is it us maturing, realizing that our parents probably weren't being canonized when we went down for a snooze? Verdict is still out, but better him than me. 

Why are we all trapped in this perpetual stage of adolescence? Could it be that our adulthood was birthed by a massive amount of debt, causing us to prolong the reliance on our parents? Who knows? My student loan payment being triple the amount of my parents' first mortgage sure makes it pretty tough to move out. "Well you didn't have to go to coll.." shut the fuck up we all go to college. You guys made it that way when you structured a little thing called the hiring process. What do I know though? Older generations love saying we were never toughened by tragedy, well maybe we're about to find out. We'll be alright I think, we're ready to be all growed up. Maybe?

EDIT: Turns out we're probably not going to alright. Our research on slowing down the maturation process isn't working out so well. We took a big hit yesterday with the leaking of the news interview of spring breakers, adamantly protesting the quarantine despite the deadly ripple effect that can stem from them being a bunch of booze hounds. We, the Millennial Delegation, are now looking to fill the vacant position of Head of PR during these troubling times. Probably going to need a Head of HR too. Stay home you fucking idiots.    

If Coronavirus Doesn't Get Me, My Lack Of Survival Skills Might

Nobody is more happy than bunker people right now. Sipping on years old water, and thrashing around their mole holes blasting heavy metal with two middle fingers up. I don't know, they're weirdos, I just imagine they all listen to heavy metal. I always assumed that I could survive a zombie apocalypse on brute bravery alone. I know how to shoot pistols, assault riffles, and shotguns and pictured myself as a defensive militia leader. That's what I was bringing to the table. This apocalypse sucks. I can physically fight zombies and rival communes, I can't fight a virus. I can be the hunter, but my gathering skills stink.

Right now it's just my twenty three year old brother and I alone in our childhood home. My sister left years ago to start a new family and my mom left seven months ago to get away from her old one. I'm kidding, if she read that sentence it would make her cry for weeks. But really, she did leave. My father, not the most 'big picture' guy, literally just fucked off to Punta Cana on 24 hours notice last Sunday and we don't know if he's ever coming back. So how are me and baby bro preparing for the end of the world? He's playing Call of Duty and I'm smoking mint Juul pods and writing blogs. 

Neither of us know how to cook so we aren't big fans of the whole grocery thing. I went two days ago and bought three precooked meals for $36 and said this is bullshit I'm not ever doing that again. Plus I already ate one of the meals so not my best fallback plan. We've been keeping a close eye on the restaurant, drive-thru, and delivery news. So far, we're in the clear but nerves are very high. We're going to have to ration out the six microwaveable Benihana dinners if push comes to shove. 

After the initial inventory check, heres what we got: nine rolls of toilet paper, two rolls of paper towels, seventeen paper plates, a case and a half of Arnold Palmer cans, a case of Poland Spring, six microwaveable dinners, two precooked dinners, four boxes of tissues (two opened), three bottles of hand soap,twenty one batteries (don't know how we fucked that one up), two bottles of Axe bodywash, a family size bottle of shampoo, and a twelve ounce bottle of hand sanitizer to ride out the storm. 

That's just what was there. We're rolling the dice and not going shopping because it looks miserable. I guess I shouldn't say we didn't shop at all. When we heard PA closed their liquor stores we went out and grabbed two thirties of Bud Light and two sixers of BLP's. Also, I might have went out and grabbed two Juul mint packs from my plug, Haji. Other than that, no shopping.

Hopefully this all blows over soon. My dad comes home, our mother still loves us enough to smuggle some groceries, and sports come back on. If not, here's to hoping the coronavirus starts making zombies so I can get back in the game. 

My Live Fantasy Baseball Draft During Coronvirus

My live fantasy baseball draft was Friday night when we were just starting to realize the "oh shit" factor of Coronavirus. The NBA was suspended the night before, but that morning of I still wasn't sure if I was going to the Big East tournament or not. So we weren't in full social distancing mode yet. My co-owner cousin and I went to the local VFW where the draft was being held, grabbed a bucket of Millers and table that was the furthest away from everyone. 

I don't like this league very much. It's a spite league for me. The first year I joined was just to help my cousin split the cost of the team. We're the two youngest people in the league. It's a strange mix of guys. There's mostly old guys, one washed up Jersey fist pumper, a biggon with the highest pitched voice I ever heard in my life, couple of nice dorky dudes, and a Floridian who videos in every year tripling our draft duration. They look like a last place Church league softball team. They make jokes for the entirety of the five hour draft and none of them are funny. It's a lot of fake laughing with head nods. My first draft with these guys, they explained to me that I'm not going to really get the scoring at first because they've been doing this almost decade. "Hahaha how old are you? Don't worry you'll catch on if you stick with it". I torched that fucking league. Second draft there was a lot of beginner's luck and fluke jokes. Second year my team led the whole season in points and lost in the chip from a couple of bad timed injuries. Of course, this draft was the year they decided to respect me as their conquerer, and not let me do my draft in peace. 

I never received a handshake from these guys, which was fine. I preferred it that way. I wanted to drink with my cousin and chat some baseball. It was always a nice night for us. This year however, I was greeted by each individual owner. The commissioner came up first, elbow out, with a "Haha we're doing elbows this year". I had to stand up and reach across the table to touch elbows with this grown man or else he would have left his elbow there for probably forever. Totally humiliating. I don't know if the draft would have started if I didn't high elbow this guy. Every owner came over to make me chicken wing across my table in the middle of a pandemic. Threw my whole steeze off. 

Normally I would walk up to the board and put the little name sticker on it with my chest out, and stare down every dude on my way back to my wobbly table. Like, "Go ahead. Say somethin about that pick ya jamokes". This year I lost my fire. Every single draft I had done with them, no one wanted to talk to to me after the first five minutes of niceites. Now the year where my health depended on that, I couldn't shake these dudes. Owners were coming up to me after their picks each round with "What do you think of that pick? I might've reached but I don't think he would have been there next time around". Or "Haha you were looking at that guy weren't you? Totally stole him from you haha". Gleaking, coughing, sniffling, and asking questions. There was no where to run. 

I tried to find solace in the bathroom and that turned out to be a nightmare. It's a VFW with wood paneling walls that looks like it hasn't been renovated since the 70's. How big do you think the bathroom was? I was approached at the sink for some scuttlebutt, while trying not to get hit by the stall door that swings into my direction. I've been washing my hands better since the panic, as in I've actually been doing it, but come on, twenty five seconds is an eternity. I was about to quick wash and bounce, when I was asked while soaping up why I drafted Moncada in the eighth when I already had Bregman, Trevor Story, and Javy Baez. Afraid of the backlash of my would-have-been twelve second wash, I got baited into washing my hands for like a minute while trying to find a nice way to say to this guy, how the fuck do you let Moncada fall to the eighth round. I got smacked by the stall door, "Haha sorry buddy, little tight in here am I right?"

In hour three I went outside for a cigarette break. There's normally about twenty minutes in between my picks so I thought I'd get away from every one for a bit. Immediately, I was followed by spreadsheet guy who reached around my body to open the door for me. After my thanks, I left the standing ash tray and walked down to the street to smoke, hoping he'd get the hint. He did not. This guy was two feet from me and offered to light me, but I told him I had my own lighter. I shit you not, this guy took out a single rubber glove to put on his smoking hand so he wouldn't touch his face while smoking his cigarette. C'mon man, boagies have way more bodies on them than Rona does, have some sense of irony. Not to mention the door handle you touched to get out here and being close enough to give me a smooch. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. 

I thought about snorting the pepper on my table and having a sneezing fit, but I decided to be the bigger man. Plus, those bastards probably wouldn't have even said bless you. By chance I had unknowingly scratched a scab on my leg. I had an itch and forgot there was a cut there from a scratch I got wrestling with my pups. My grossness was pointed out by another league member that I should clean up the dried blood streak that ran from the middle of my calf down to my sock. From then on, I was avoided like the plague and crushed the back nine of the draft. 

All in all I had a terrible draft. I should have taken Carlos Santana over Moncada who will now be riding my bench. My pitching is weak and should've went Verlander in the second instead of Story with all the shortstop depth. Plus I let a guy get Aaron Judge in the sixth round, in a world where he'll probably be ready to go by Opening Day. Draft grade: C-

At Your Age Now, What Is The Latest Age You Could Beat Steph Curry?

Ok so the title sucks but it's late and I don't know how else to use the English language to pose that question. So I'll try to explain myself. I am 26 years old and I'd bet the house that I could beat a 9 year old Stephen Curry. That's just an example, not my final answer, Regis. 

It was Steph's birthday yesterday, so there was a lot of clips of him floating around on Twitter. I've always found Steph irritating. Since him and LeBron share the face of the NBA, I think Steph gets a pass a lot because LeBron is more of a blatant dork. The whole mouth guard and shimmy thing, hate it. I think Steph looks like Charlie Brown dancing when he celebrates. Anyway, happy birthday dude. ESPN posted a video of Steph on an NBA court at maybe age 10 swopping a three, doing an around the back pass, and hitting a half court shot. After the first shot my inner machismo said "I'd send that shit". Which made me think, how old is too old to beat Steph Curry. 

I'm really fat and even more out of shape. But I still run the court every once in awhile with the boys. My friends being the starting five of the winners of the Shore Conference in high school. Not to name drop, but one even went on to play college ball at Fairleigh Dickinson. Now that you know how serious I am about being able to ball, I think I can take a 16 year old Steph Curry in basketball. I don't know why they had this but businessinsider.com claims Steph was 5'7" and 130 lb his freshman year of high school. How much more could he have grown in a year? I got him sophmore year. I have grown man weight, he doesn't want to see me in the paint. I'd set the game to only 7 by 1's so I don't get gassed, and I get ball first. What is he going to do, protest? You're already going to eat some bows Steph, don't make me feed you a knuckle sandwich too. I make the rules around here pipsqueak.  

So congratulations to me: a 26 year old unathletic grown man who put a beat down on an imaginary 16 year old Steph Curry. So at your age now, you can beat a ___ year old Steph Curry? Damn, that should've been the title. Too late to change it now, takes away my whole first paragraph.      

My Millennial Drive-Thru Experience

I ordered Taco Bell for myself the other night and when I finished my order the drive thru girl said, "Thank you, you guys can drive up". You GUYS...damn. I was already having a bad day and what I heard was "Well, why don't you just eat all your problems away you fat fuck, pull on up." For the first time in my life I had decided to use my millennial super powers. I decided I was going to shame this chick into oblivion for assuming that was a two person order. I've never done this before so I was hyping myself up in my Honda. Telling myself, "You ain't getting no god damn respect out here.  How fucking dare she make assumptions. I'm big boned, and I had a salad for lunch. Who the fuck is she to fat shame me for ordering too much Taco Bell? She don't know me?" Just fired up. Doing this for twenty minutes because Taco Bell drive-thru goes backwards in time. I got this whole speech ready and finally pull up to the window and get out "Ya know..."

The employee was three times my size. I'm not shaming, I'm a biggon myself, but those were just the facts. I froze up. I imagined me delivering my speech to her about how she shouldn't fat shame people and her going "Really motherfucker? You think I'm not allowed to fat shame? You listen here you skinny little bitch gimme your card, get your food, and get the fuck out of here before I snap you like the twig you are." And now I'm imagining getting skinny shamed, which is a sentence I figured would never be formed.  I snap out of it and realize she's asked for my payment three times. By her face I can tell I'm looking at her funny, which I find fair since I just eviscerated and got eviscerated in two imaginary arguments in the last twenty minutes. I get my food and give her a head nod like somehow she knows what just went down in my head. Shame on me, for considering shaming. 

Why I'm Silent During Sex

I don't make a peep while bumping uglies. Not a moan, not an exclamation, not a word. It's the opposite of sexy, I'm aware. I don't want to come across as timid or creepy in the sack but there is nothing I can do to fix it. Quite literally, the cat has my tongue and there is one simple explanation for it: I had shitty friends growing up. 

My friends and I were all very competitive growing up in everything we did. However there was this weird clause, that as competitive as you are, you aren't allowed to show enthusiasm in anything or else you're a douchebag. Any violation of this rule was met with a shitstorm of insults and normally a comparison to a celebrity. Playing 21 in the backyard on a seven foot hoop, I once screamed "LETS GO" after dunking on two dudes. This misstep in passion was met with, "Oh shit dude look at you, you're soo good at 21. You're 16 years old and weigh 230 no shit you're going to body us in the paint." A proper roast. With my pride in my throat, I screamed through a cracked voice to check the ball up bitch. 

We were all targets at all times. During a Fifa match, my one friend scored and yelled "eat it motherfucker". The dude losing 0-3 looked him dead in the eye and said "Wow look at Ronaldinho over here. Why don't you take your shirt off and slide into the corner of the living room. Chill out, it's just a game man".  It could be anything. You could be doing something nice for someone and still catch a burn. I had a buddy one time make us a mountain of pizza rolls. Another friend there said he ate a cold one and when the cook said STFU and eat them you ungrateful fuck he got "Oh I'm so sorry Gordon Ramsay, did you not like my review? Sorry you can't even make simple fucking pizza rolls. Wasting our time biting into these ice packets." They didn't talk the rest of the night. 

We were all victims, we were all aggressors. I regret to inform you that I was the most aggressive. If there was a burn scoreboard I would have the most tallies in the burns-dished-out column. I'm terrible at art, I can barely draw letters. Sitting at our table in art class during the seventh grade, my best friend said "This is pretty fun" while impressively drawing a fruit basket that was in the center of the table. Mine sucked, so I looked at his and said "Excuuse ME Picasso, I didn't know our lives depended on this drawing. So serious. You know what, why don't you quit the basketball team and put more time into your art. Jesus Christ." He botched every art project for the rest of the year. 

Years of that shit, tormenting each other. Constantly watching what you say, making it look like you're not trying hard, or care about the outcome of anything you do. It turned us all into celery. The first time I had sex, I realized that moaning didn't really come out naturally for me. I thought about just doing it cause I knew I was supposed to. Then there was that reflex in the back of my mind, going outside of my body and picturing me moaning, and my buddy's voice going "WOW Cassanova listen to you! Yeah man, I bet she's just loving that." Yes. I heard my friends in my head when I lost my virginity. It was the first time, but it certainly wasn't the last. One time I had a girl whisper in my ear, "Talk dirty to me". I'm pretty sure I laughed. Like are you fucking insane? I don't know how thin these walls are? I immediately began to suspect her of collusion. Looked over at her phone to make sure she wasn't FaceTiming one of the boys. Like it was all some setup for me to say "you like that you dirty slut?" or something, and then I hear over speaker phone "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A REGULAR OL FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AREN'T YOU!" After my mid-love making daydream I went mute. She wasn't a repeat offender, most of them aren't. 

I thought about covering the girls' mouth during sex. I figured in their head they'll be like "oh shit he's kind of a freak" and in my head I didn't feel obligated to make noise if she couldn't. That's a slippery slope though, and I wasn't interested in catching a case. The best remedy I've found is blasting music. Your roommates will know every time you're having sex, but if you're ever feeling dangerous and let out a "damn" in your girl's ear, you don't have to worry about the homies hearing it. So to the few women who made the mistake of having sex with me, I know I looked like a joyless mime, but I swear I enjoyed it. 

Getting Coronavirus Would Be Pretty Dope

Like it says, getting coronavirus is probably pretty dope. Im going to tell you why in a second, but if at any point your feelings get hurt by this blog please see this disclaimer at the bottom*. The Rona is sweeping our nation, terrifying cities, commandeering full news stations, murdering thousands, and giving me the perfect excuse to tell my mom to piss off when she says "are you ever gunna leave this room"? Can't leave. Might get coronavirus, which would be pretty terrible ma.... or would it? 

Am I supposed to be afraid of quarantine? Because they market it like an invitation. Oh no you're going to lock me in a room with a TV, bring me food, and make sure I don't do anything but lay down all day while I presumably vomit and shit my brains out? That's just perpetual Sunday baby, sounds amazing. I'm bringing my xbox, my phone/online sportsbook, probably an extra TV, and my book. Please don't make me gamble, play video games, crush shows, and probably drop a couple pounds; how will I ever get through this?! (I don't think I nailed that semicolon but I went for it)

If you even have a sliver of funny in you, you could become a national hero. Imagine live tweeting your coronavirus experience? Instant viral sensation. Besides tweeting out my daily routine to prove I'm making this virus my bitch, here are a couple tweets I have in the chamber just in case I catch Rona: 

-"Doctor said I only have a little coronavirus in my system at the moment. I said 'Ah coronita-virus', he didn't find it funny." Gold. 

-"Worst part of coronavirus is the tube in my peehole that's more uncomfortable than Kevin Spacey." I don't know if they'd do the tube thing for this but my dad told me about catheters after his spinal surgery and I've been scared of them ever since. 

-"I brought my Xbox to the hospital and have been ironically playing Infected on Call of Duty for the last six hours." Connect with the kids, stay current.

-"I haven't been able to work since I contracted coronavirus, please check out this GoFundMe page to help my hardworking family with my Student Loan payments while I'm out of commission." I mean...

-"Told the doctor I've had this weird craving for human flesh, he said that's normal for someone with coronavirus." Classic. 

Use this blueprint and you'll be shaking hands with the president in no time. Just make sure you wash, soap and water. 

Coronavirus at first felt so distant and something I'd never have to worry about. Oh ye of little faith. The Asbury Park Press confirmed that a woman from my small hometown in NJ is infected and is being treated in the hospital two towns over. Excuse me while I head to the emergency room and start licking every handle and surface in that joint.  

*I don't mean to diminish the severity of this pandemic or the lives it has already taken. Honest thoughts and prayers to anybody affected. I only mean to suggest that if I was going to be taken out by a worldwide zombie virus I'd like to go out laughing.    

  

Baby Yoda Broke Up Me And My Girlfriend

For whatever reason the marketing world has evolved with my age group since we were children. If you need proof, here's a couple of examples from the restaurant industry: Your friendly neighborhood grill, Applebee's, who used to give out free meals if you brought in a positive report card is now nationally decimating GPAs selling $1 LITs. McDonald's went from a goofy clown and running around the "play place" to a trendy cafe where you can plug in your laptop. Little, freckled, pig tailed Wendy? She's roasting people on twitter like she's one of the homies. Molding restaurants to us wasn't all that bad but now marketing has gone too far.

I'm turning 27 this year and rumor has it is that's when people consider starting a family of their own. Girls you used to do drunk karaoke with are now scary mean witches, with a big smoking cauldron, looking at your willy like it's the last ingredient to their everlasting happiness. I guess it's better than looking at it with disappointment, but not the point. Instead of addressing the problem head on, what does Hollywood decide to do? Enable this behavior. It started out innocent enough. Baby Groot? Fucking adorable. Next came the royal baby, show off.  Then companies started to get straight up desperate.  Planters murdered an icon on national television just to shove Baby Nut down our throats. Which, by the way, ew gross. Everywhere you turn its baby this and baby that. Then came the King of them all. Baby fucking Yoda. Undeniably cute, and the final nail in all our coffins. 

I bought Disney+ literally just to watch the Mandalorian. Jon Favreau did a fantastic job with it. Unfortunately the genius idea of bringing in a main character to mirror a child version of Star War's most beloved Jedi Master did not go unpunished. Baby Yoda was whored through the streets of the internet. Memes, toys, GIFs, cartoon sketches, theories, fan accounts, instagram pages, twitter avatar's, etc. If you can think it, Baby Yoda has done it. Baby Yoda was/is everywhere. People who haven't even seen a single episode of Star Wars were flocking to Disney+ to watch the Mandalorian. I should have seen the writing on the wall. 

My girlfriend texted me, unprompted, "Hey I caught up on the Mandalorian, don't watch the rest without me". Silly me, my biggest concern at the time was thinking, "What the fuck. She's going to ask so many questions during each episode". To my surprise, we finished the season together flawlessly. I was happy with the ending, happy with the direction Favreau took the show, happy for future Star Wars shows coming to Disney+, just fucking happy staring up at the ceiling. 

That's when I hear, "Ahhhh man, when are we going to have a Baby Yoda of our own hehehe?"

I answered it practically, "Well never, since I'm a human and all. Unless you know where Yoda's people are from and plan on sleeping with one. Otherwise I don't know how we could possibly have a Baby Yoda, unless it's like a Hasbro one."

"You know what I mean, like our own baby."

"I don't know. I'm not ready to have a child around or even ready to have this talk." 

Theres probably a few things I should divulge at this point. I have a big boy job and probably give the impression that I'm ready for big boy responsibilities, but I'm not. I still describe things as being "big boy". I also once made the mistake of telling my girlfriend during a similar conversation that I'd want to be more of an adult like my sister was, when she had kids. I'm now one year older than what my sister was when she had her first kid. And the kicker? My girlfriend is 29. Anyway, this is when she hit me with the most utterly ridiculous line of reasoning I have ever heard in my life. 

"Well, Mando didn't think he'd want a kid around either! Look at them now!"

....

...

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What a low fucking blow. Like all of a sudden if I have a baby I'll be a Mandalorian bounty hunter with a force sensitive child. Are you out of your mind? We had it out with a ridiculous argument of how mature I already supposedly am, sprinkled in with some Star Wars and Disney references.  

Yeah well, I'm single now. I'm currently taking applications for a new girlfriend with only one requirement: Must love drunk karaoke.