Friday, April 2, 2021

The Most Interesting Man To Ever Live


Some men fly above Icarus and maintain altitude. Emulating a life that that Dos Equis fraud could only dream of. You too Chuck Norris, little bitch. Nobody flew higher than, you’ve guessed it, Steve Aoki’s Dad.

Diminishing Hiroaki Aoki’s life to just “Steve’s Dad” is of course a joke. Steve will never amount to his father’s accomplishments. It’s okay Steve, it’s a feeling I know all too well. 

Rocky Aoki could have lived out his life in Japan, comfortable and wealthy under his parents success in opening restaurants and coffee shops. Not our hero. He learned to wrestle and came to America on a scholarship. Was he any good? Well according to his 3 AAU titles and the Wrestling Hall of Fame, he was pretty good.

Rocky pursued a business degree at NYC Community College. He rented a truck and worked 7 days a week, delivering Mister Softee in Harlem. Once he saved 10k he wrote to his father to invest in a restaurant he had been wanting to open. Four tables, small joint, maybe you’ve heard of it? Benihana ring any bells? That’s right, Hiroaki started his own hibachi empire on chocolate swirl with sprinkles money.
Think he stops there? Fool! We haven’t even scratched the fucking surface! 
Rocky knew that people loved onion volcanos and flying shrimp tails. Already capitalized on that. So he thought what do people love more than sick hibachi? Sex. So he up and started his own nudie magazine, Genesis, to rival Playboy and Hustler. The magazine was still in publication until only recently. Aoki with his Genesis brand, started the Genesis Club for the high end “it crowd”. It was six stories of the Playboy Mansion. After losing a cool two million on the club he shut it down despite spending most of his time there.
It didn’t matter that the club didn’t work out. Rocky had all the money to do whatever he wanted. That’s exactly what he did. In 1979 he created his own speed boat Benihana Grand Prix, which he of course won. A hobby that later on will almost take his life. He competed in the “One Lap Around America” race in a stretch Rolls Royce. Once the ground got too boring, Rocky joined The Double Eagle V, the first balloon to ever cross the Pacific. The Double Eagle wound up crash landing in California after taking off in Japan. Despite its rough landing, the flight was held as a World Record for 34 years as longest balloon ride.
Hiroaki Aoki definitely had an andreline addiction, but that wasn’t his only hobbies. In his free time he also searched for pirate treasure and played backgammon. He invested 3.5 million in submarines so he could search the ocean floor for “bones and booty”. Once he was challenged by a Russian prince to play backgammon. Rocky had no idea how to play. Four years later, he won the world championship. 
Alas, no hero is without their flaws. Rocky’s kryptonite was mainly sex and cocaine. Go figure. Remember that speed boating accident that almost killed him? Yeah that’s how his first wife and baby momma mistress met. That would ruin most men, Rocky bragged about it in his comic of himself, Mr. Benihana. By the time of his death in 2008, he was in a lawsuit struggle with 5 of his 7 children.
But we’ve all seen Godfather 3. We know the price of success and greatness. Doesn’t take away from all his accomplishments. Plus I think most of his children speak highly of him again.
Move to another country on a wrestling scholarship, sell ice cream to start a hibachi empire, dine with Muhammad Ali and the Queen of England alike, sell your own porn, get famous racing boats, balloons, and Rolls Royces while looking for buried treasure to put next to your world championship backgammon trophy. How many fucking lifetimes would that take you? If I go grocery shopping and do laundry in the same day I want a bench commemorating the moment with my name plaqued into the top of it. 

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