I believe strongly that at their core, every person is a good person. I truly believe that in my heart of hearts. I also believe that everyone is inherently bad down to their conscience. Hence the uncomfort. Hear me out.
Nobody is religious in traffic. Have you ever been stuck on a major road like the parkway, bumper to bumper, inching up for hours. How good of a person are you then? The last time that happened to me I thought “This motherfucker better be DEAD. There better be EMTs puking in the median when I pull up. Really? You just couldn’t die northbound could you?” When I tell you the second I got up to the scene and saw bedsheets over ghoulish unseen figures I gasped and did the sign of the cross. What’s wrong with me, I was raised a good Catholic? Is this who I become at the slightest inconvenience to my day? Yes.
Have you ever gotten bad news at an inoppurtune time? Not even like terrible timing but just slightly bothersome? Like have you ever gotten terrible news while watching a sports game that you were really invested in? I was still at school in Alabama in 2015 when my mom called me to tell me my grandfather had Alzheimer’s. Mind you, she called Week 1 Sunday of the NFL, right after kickoff. I waited months for football to start up again. I was in five fantasy football leagues. My brain thought “Really? Was grandpa’s Alzheimer’s not going to be there on Monday? You just had to tell me on Sunday when you knew I’d be watching RedZone?” But what my mouth said was “Oh shit really?” without moving my eyes from the TV. By the 4:00 slot I was uncomfortable again in my own head. I’m close with my grandparents, called them twice a week when I lived down south. Was I an awful grandson for not making a bigger spectacle of his diagnosis? It’s not like me being upset or me turning off football can cure Alzheimer’s? Another shameful thought.
What kind of world would that be? If we could honestly say whatever came to our minds. Like if you could be on a bus ride commute home and could say to a bus full of strangers “Maybe this person should just hurry up and die so we could all get home at a reasonable hour.” Would we feel better for being able to honestly get things off our chest? Or would we feel worse having everyone know that we belong in hell? I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a psychiatrist or a priest.
I’m here to tell you that you’re doing just fine. Not great, but fine. You can’t stop something from entering your brain. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you mean your thoughts too. You can have horrible thoughts as long as you make yourself feel like a piece of shit for having them.
Being a good person means keeping those mean thoughts to yourself. Not acting on them no matter how true or funny they are. That’s what separates us from the sociopaths. You can be a good person who thinks bad things. I hope.
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