The Stupidest Game I Ever Created

It started with my little brother and I. Every time he would do a tiny favor for me, I’d smile and say “That’s a good little bitch.” It would make him so mad that he’d throw shit, hit me, return the drink I’d ask him to get, whatever. His reaction made me think I was on to something, so I started doing it to my friends too. 

My friends hated it just as much as my brother. They hated it so much that both them and my brother tried getting me to be their good little bitch. The problem with that was, we all stopped doing favors for each other, no matter how big or small. So if someone asked me to pass the remote, or ask for a ride, or anything, I’d say “alright as long as you don’t say it.” Thus, The Good Little Bitch Game was born. 

The gist is of the game is easy. Ask someone for a favor and when they do it, call them a good little bitch. There’s only two rules: 1) if the person you ask the favor of says “Can’t say it” then you can’t call them a GLB, 2) If someone calls you a good little bitch successfully, you can’t undo the favor. 

The more out of their way someone goes for you, the sweeter the “good little bitch” tastes coming off your tongue. Small ones are fun, “hey can you grab me a beer” is a good one and normally gets a good reaction. But the bigger fish, when someone is being a genuinely good person towards you, there’s no describing that feeling of calling them your good little bitch. You’ll feel it. Your mouth will start to water as you plead to God asking him not to let them say “can’t say it”. Your friends will start to whisper to you “Oh my God you’re going to Good Little Bitch him, aren’t you?” And then you ruin their fucking week. 

The best one I ever executed involved a friend driving me to the airport at 5:00 in the morning. He told me he couldn’t at first and I started to rattle off everything I ever did for him. I wore him down and he agreed to take home. He called his work and told them he was going to be a little late that day, they were not pleased. He woke up at 430ish and with sleep still in his eye, pulled up to my cul-de-sac around 5ish. He rolled down the window and said, “Get in, I hate you.” I sat down like I was being crowned king of the world, “That’s a good little bitch.” Woke up my whole damn neighborhood punching his steering wheel, hurtling every insult you could imagine in my direction. I just smiled and said, “Drive.”  

Thank you has been eradicated from my vocabulary. My friends traded “thank yous” for stabbing someone in the soul. It’s caught on too. I can confidently say that The Good Little Bitch Game is being played in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Colorado. Try it out the next time someone extends their humanity to you, see how it feels. Just be ready to duck.