Even before those oily New Yorkers from MTV found their way to Seaside, getting a Shore house was a right of passage in these parts. If you plan on spending your summer on the line at Bar A or pretending you’re Italian in D’Jais, here’s a few tips to make it to Labor Day.
1. Fill A Role
Everyone brings something to the table. Find your niche and own it. Some people always make sure there’s alcohol, others stock up on the non alcoholic beverages. Both are equally important. There’s always one weed guy or gal. One person bring speakers and control the aux. Maybe you’re the grillmaster. Or you’re the one who brings all the backyard games. Pray to God that there’s a roommate that can help but clean. They’re going to be on your ass all summer, but lean up on the ropes and let them punch themselves out. They’re essential. If you want to be king of the house, make friends with a bouncer or bartender at your home court bar. Once you’ve worked up a good rapport, go early to get everyone bracelets. You’ll never wait in line and everyone will be indebted to you and buy you drinks all night.
2. Don’t Piss Outside
Towns make millions on this shit every summer. You know the cops that you see in shorts or riding a bike with their little helmets? 99% of the time they're Class II Officers, meaning they’re part time. They love writing that shit. They’re trying to prove themselves, and rightfully so, to get a full time job. Those “urinating in public” tickets go straight to the town’s pockets and get them big brownie points. When they literally catch you with your pants down they got you dead to rights. Summer is expensive enough without paying $300 to take a piss.
3. Don’t Corner Yourself With Another Group
You’re a group with a shore house, they’re a group with a shore house. Can I make it any more obvious? It’s fine to make friends just make sure they don’t get too comfortable. Before you know it, they’re at your house every night and start getting jealous of the other people you bring back to house. If you set your boundaries correctly, they’ll always be there as a solid backup plan.
4. Give Up On Sleep
If you go into every weekend with little to no expectations on a good night’s sleep you’ll never be disappointed. There’s limited beds, and unlimited people. Buy cheap sheets that you can throw out. All sheets will either be a.) peed on b.) puked on c.) ejaculated on. Some nights you’re going to have to cut your losses and sleep on the random couch on the porch with nothing but a sweatshirt to keep you warm. Unless you’re big-boned. Then every bed is your bed if you want it to be. You’re hammered, what’re they going to do? Move you? Fuck those skinny bitches, it’s too hot for their bullshit.
5. Don’t Be The Person Who Gets Mad At Guests
Half the reason to get a beach house is to brag to people that you have a beach house. Outside friends will come to visit. Don’t be the pissy brat who complains about roommates’ guests. The guest doesn’t have a shore house, maybe they’ll get a little too rowdy, yeah. But you need to understand that this is a sprint for them, not your marathon. There will come a night where you have a cousin or a friend or someone you met at the bar come to the house and if you’ve never complained, you can command the same courtesy.
6. Don’t Get Upset If Someone Hooks Up With Someone You’ve Hooked Up With
This will be a tall order for some of you. It’s human nature. Remember Ronnie’s famous line “My only rule- never fall in love at the Jersey Shore”? How did breaking that rule work out for him? This causes more fights in houses than anything else. It happens, be a grown up. There’s a lot of inventory out there. Save yourself the headache and heartbreak and find someone else. Literally everyone is there to get drunk and have sex, I promise you you’ll find someone. There is going to be drama no matter what, it’s part of the experience. Try to limit it where you can.
Enjoy yourselves, that’s what you’re there for. There are going to be nights where you make mistakes and wake up the next morning ashamed. Don’t be discouraged, that means you’re doing it right. When all else fails, remember, there’s always next weekend.
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