Do people know that billionaires Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos are going to space this month? I feel like it’s weird that we’re not talking about this every day. Branson and Bezos are not astronauts? Does no one else find that crazy?
Branson of course is technically beating Bezos to orbit leaving on July 11th. Nine days before Bezos’ Blue Origin’s takeoff. I should back up and explain why they’re going to space. Of course besides having a shit ton of money and nothing to do.
I already mentioned Blue Origin, which is Jeff Bezos’ private spaceflight company. Which is a flex on the entire world with the exception of two people. Richard Branson being one of those exceptions. The record/airline billionaire playboy has a private spaceflight company of his own, Virgin Galactic. Both companies are striving to one day launch every day people into outer space, for a fee of course.
Even astronauts are skeptical about going into outer space. It’s a dark murder vacuum that kills you in 90 seconds if you’re exposed to it. Unless you decide to hold your breath. Then the vacuum will cause your lungs to explode and you’ll die in roughly 15 seconds. So how do you convince normal people to vacation up there for quite a substantial amount of money? You send up the billionaires first. They have literally billions of reasons why they don’t want to die, if they can risk it, so can you.
Everyone wanted Branson to win this. I’m not sure that there’s a soul on this planet that doesn’t believe that Bezos is a Bonds-esque supervillain. Bezos is most known for monopolizing your means to products by spying through on private information and treating his workforce as subhuman. While Branson is known for the best episode of MTV Cribs that consisted of sailing around an 80 million dollar private island with a scantily clad Mariah Carey. Plus he has a very trusting British accent.
Regardless of Branson saying he wasn’t racing Bezos, he moved his launch up to be before him. Bezos countered by deciding to bring up an 82 year old lady, Wally Funk, who was an astronaut hopeful like 60 years ago. It’s a good PR move but I know it’s eating at his ego. I wouldn’t trust Wally to be Bezos’ only play.
Like I said we’re talking about a supervillain here. I wouldn’t put it past Jeff to sabotage Richard’s flight resulting in a global tragedy. With the whole world in mourning, Bezos will rise from the ashes and pretend to look like he’s braving on with his mission a mere nine days later. He’d say something like “It’s what Richard would have wanted.” The whole world would hold their breath as he launched now knowing the consequences of these private launches. When all goes to plan, the public will regard Bezos for his courage, who’ll now have a monopoly on private spaceflight, and be the first one to space. Even though he murdered our beloved Richard.
Which of course by that point, Elon would have to step in and avenge Richard. Both Branson and Musk hate Bezos. Elon’s the third player in this game with his private spaceflight company, SpaceX. I think Richard and Bezos are playing checkers to Elon’s chess. They’re so worried about who will be the first one to space that they don’t realize Elon is inching his way to Mars.
Despite which one of the billionaires wins what, it’s us common folk who are the real winners. Rising tides lift all boats. To a Doctor Who nerd like myself, the real possibility of me traveling to space before I die is almost enough to make me cry. We’re that much closer to fuckin in zero-g on our honeymoons. I’ll be the first to go. The second I have 250k lying around.
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