Hired Grinch Destroys Mother’s Christmas

I don’t know if everyone else’s FYP has been flooded with Grinch content, but I now believe he has more impersonators than Elvis. Jim Carey famously went method for his role in Whoville, and it appears his followers have taken a similar route. Unfortunately for one mother, this hired Grinch grinched her whole house up. 

The caption reads: 

“So paid £85 for a grinch visit… advertises the grinch to come in mess the kids bed have a pillow fights put toilet roll around your Christmas tree and pictures with the kids at the end (they were told to leave no pictures) VS what I got every single bit of party food expensive cupcakes threw all over the place tree decorations BROKE !!! Fairy up liquid poured on my kitchen floor eggs smashed and a full bottle of juice poured over my floor and SON !!! Kids new onesie ruined Highly highly DO NOT recommend… mailed and complained no reply 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 grinch defo came and stole Christmas 🎅 never been so disgusted in my life !!!” 

Hello the consequences of my decisions. In the words of Mayor Augustus Maywho, “INVITE THE GRINCH, DESTROY CHRISTMAS!” Grinches are gonna Grinch, what did you expect Laura? 

I mean, he fucked that shit up. 

But imagine how much fun this guy was having just wreaking havoc throughout this apartment. Not only did this Grinch know there would be no repercussions for his actions but they’d also have to PAY HIM to ruin everything. Oh I’m sorry are those cupcakes expensive? WHAP. Nice eggs you got there, be a shame if someone smashed em. Nana got you this tree decoration? SMASH. What’s that there, Fairy up liquid? Not sure what that is. Where’s your son, I’m gonna fuck him up. 

If you ask me, it was an £85 well spent. You think that kid gives a fuck about his lame ass Teddy Bear onsie? Look at that smirk on his face in the picture above. Kid had the time of his life. He got to have a full blown food fight with the Grinch in his house. And he couldn’t get in trouble for it cause Mom set it all up. This is going to be a core memory for him, which is no short accomplishment. 

Just a little extra nugget and I don’t know if I find this funnier given my heritage but this all took place in Scotland. Picturing this legend destroying a home dressed as a Grinch with a Scottish has me dying. 

But this is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. Don’t hate the playa. If you invite the Grinch, he’s gonna steal Christmas. Who’s fault is that? You saw what happened when Cindy Lou did it and you followed the same exact blueprint. Same snake bit you twice. Cleaning up was probably a bitch, but for £85, you bought yourself one hell of a story for life. 

Holiday Tide-ings

With the CFB rapidly approaching, the Alabama Football program has been a constant in the news cycle. There’s been so many little and big stories and snippets that I’ve decided to compile them into one blog. From player Twitter burns to Covid concerns, Holiday Tide-ings to you and yours. 

JAVION COHEN TAUNTS AUBURN

I pray I never reach the point where empty Bowl Games hold so much meaning for my fandom. Here is Auburn’s football team practicing for their big showdown against Houston in the TicketSmarter Bowl. The Karate Kid pose, resurrected as a celebration by this year’s wideouts, has become an Alabama rallying cry. Needless to say, Auburn barners didn’t take too kindly to Javion’s public humiliation. 176 replies of “This you?” And “Bryce got sacked 7 times.” later and you realize that Auburn has now come to believe that playing defense in the Iron Bowl means you’ve won despite the final score. Houston +3, any player worth a shit left. 

DEMARVIN LEAL EMBARRASSES HIMSELF

Not I want to go to the NFL to make generational wealth, or I want to win a National Championship, but “I dreamed of beating Alabama.” The lengths that people will go to justify their mediocrity is astonishing. Way to set the bar high little buddy. The timing of this sure is strange to me. We played A&M in early October? Would I put it past Saban to have this released for a little extra rat poison before a playoff match? Of course not, he can do anything. Can’t you picture him in the locker room screaming “PEOPLE DREAM OF BEATING YOU! GO OUT THEIR AND CRUSH THEIR FUCKING DREAMS!” Whew, gave me the chillies and I’m the one that wrote it. But the fact remains this dumb dumb still said this. Players hopped on to roast him but no one criticized him harder than the Collin County PD who arrested him the next day for marijuana possession. 

DEMARCCO HELLAMS PUBLICY EXECUTED A MAN



JONATHAN ALLEN AND DARON PAYNE FIGHT
I know Washington fans are concerned about this little scuttle between the two former Alabama champions, but I think it means they drafted correctly. You have a team that’s riddled with injuries, getting their balls kicked in weekly, playing for nothing, and your two Alabama boys still have enough fight and passion in them to come to blows on the sidelines. Allen and Daron Payne have been teammates for a long time, brothers even. You’ve never punched your brother in the face? Besides it led to this great nugget from Tim Williams telling us that Alabama players used to fight so much that Scott Cochran used to have to take the gloves away from them. 

God, Rueben Foster vs Ashawn Robinson sounds terrifying.
THE TRANSFER PORTAL ONLY MAKES THINGS EASIER FOR ALABAMA


Nick Saban was staunchly against the transfer portal. He tried telling everyone it was a bad idea. If they won’t join you, beat them at their own game. Now everyone pays the consequences. As if the portal additions of two of Alabama’s biggest stars in Jameson Williams and Henry To’oto’o weren’t evidence enough of a mistake, the transfers keep piling in. Former All-American and 5 Star recruit, Eli Ricks has already transferred from LSU and is currently in Tuscaloosa. He’ll be joined by All-ACC Georgia Tech running back , Jahmyr Gibbs who led the ACC in average all purpose yards per game. 
ALABAMA CANCELED MEDIA VIEWING 
Now this very well may be nothing. But I don’t know about you, but I feel like a Covid bombs gone off he last week. Family, friends co-workers, half of my fantasy football team all around me testing positive. In fact, I think I have it. Literally waiting on my Mom to bring me a home test as I write this. There can be any number of reasons Saban didn’t want the media at practice. But if it’s because there’s notable missing players, that’s a concern. Especially knowing that both Bill O’Brien and Doug Marrone tested positive. Saban has assured us that no players have been affected and that the team has implemented protocols that have worked in the past. But that won’t stop me from worrying. 
But Friday’s the big day. There’s another team on the tracks that get to find out once and for all of they actually Want Bama. Get your house and your juju in order. Roll Tide and (let me beat this into the ground) Good Tide-ings. 

Confronting My Biggest Issues With The Matrix Franchise Before Seeing Resurrections

The Matrix for me was one of those franchises that I pretended to love as a kid without knowing what the hell was actually going on. All I knew was Neo was running on walls and dodging bullets in slow-mo and that shit was cool. The plot was completely lost on me, I was six when the first movie came out. 

Spoilers obviously, idiot. 

When I watched in my teenage years I loved it. Ultimately understanding there are three factions at war. The remaining humans fighting for survival, the AI robots clinging onto to their oppressive regime, and rogue programs fleeing deletion looking out for their own interests any where they can get it inside the Matrix. I was too enamored with my new found comprehension that it never occurred to me to question anything. 

But I’m in my late twenties now. So I’m an arrogant snob who’s watched too many shows and read too many books to the point that I can only enjoy them if I pick apart everything that’s wrong. Watching the trilogy in preparation for the fourth installment left me with a list of gripes. Because I’m smarter than everyone, especially the creators themselves. 

4. The Robots Were Pretty Fair

Without a doubt, the sentients are far superior in every possible way than the human race. Then humans have the gall to be like “actually we’re going to fight you to the death.” Like imagine if tomorrow penguins decided to say, you know what, Earth is our planet, we’re sick of the humans and we’re going to try and kill every one of you. How would you react? I’d tell the penguins, “Listen here you little shits, I could punt every fucking penguin into oblivion if I want to. Know your place.” But the sentients didn’t do that. Not completely anyway. Sure they need us for human batteries, but creating the Matrix where you could still live a normal life was a pretty nice gesture if you ask me. 

3. Neo Using His Superpowers Outside Of The Matrix

Ok so inside the Matrix, everything is a simulation. If you can fully accept that, you can begin to bend the faux-reality to your will. No problem there. But at the end of the second movie and the entire third movie, Neo is essentially Superman in the real world with little to no explanation. Just because he had a conversation with The Architect he can now immobilize and crush sentients with his mind and see with no eyeballs. Even Superman has an origin story explaining his powers. You can’t just be like oh yeah I don’t know he can just do that now. 

2. The Zionists Were Shitty And Selfish People

I get that they had to fight off the sentients to survive and that that constant fear made defeating them their sole purpose for existing, but they had zero foresight. What was their end game? Justifying the liberation of the pod humans inside the Matrix is nothing short of cruel. Apparently the saying “ignorance is bliss” has been eradicated from human language in the year 2199. Imagine working your ass off in the Matrix, coming up from nothing and becoming a successful millionaire. You live in a mansion, fine dining, endless entertainment and partying. Just to have some shitass dressed in rags wake you up naked, hairless, and cold in red goo telling you you’re free now. Oh and by the way we can’t go above ground because everything is destroyed, there’s no sun, we eat maggot porridge, we shake hands with the devil living at the center of the Earth for warmth, nothing you knew is real, and you’re now penniless and useless in a society you know nothing about, you’re welcome. Fuck right off. Give me a blue pill and put that thing right back in my skull. 

1. Keanu Reeves Being 35 Years Old While Filming The First Movie

He just isn’t. 22 max. 

Although I talked a whole lot of shit, I’m really excited to watch Resurrections. This movie looks like it takes place almost entirely inside the Matrix which is the strongest element of the franchise. Doesn’t matter to me if they add more issues to my list. I’m a nostalgia slut and I don’t care who knows it. 

Should You Bet On The Team You Root For?

Sports gambling has taken on a whole new life in these last couple years. Especially in the states where it’s been legalized. Have you always been able to bet on sports? Duh. But now every Bill, Dick, and Harry thinks they’re a sharp. 

I am not great at any of the things I enjoy most in life. Betting is no exception. I go down, I chip away, I go up, I go down, and the pendulum swings. Like most gamblers I started by placing bets on the teams I’m a fan of. It makes sense, right? They’re the team I’m most intimately in tune with. I know what they are and aren’t capable of better than most. 

But like I said, that’s only how it started. Once it hits the lips it’s hard to turn back. You begin to branch out. You chase that same passion you have when rooting for your team by financially putting skin into random games. Prime time slots, bored in your room, or maybe it was the only game playing at the bar. You start to gamble on other teams. You begin to trust other teams and despise even more. Before you know it, you have a weekly lineup of games you like.

But I’ll tell you what, waging your wallet on a team you don’t care about is much more enjoyable than gambling your soul on a team you love. So much can go wrong betting on your own team. It makes losses sting that much more. Winnings great, sure, but it could also put you in a compromising position. Like last week, when I took Alabama Basketball -3 vs. Houston. Tide won by a point on a buzzer beating block and I screamed in an excitement that lasted all of about four seconds before I realized how much I lost. 

When you bet teams you’re not invested in, what you’re purchasing is passion for that particular game. When watching a team you’re a fan of, there’s no purchase necessary. So should you bet on your own teams? Probably not, but it’s never stopped me before. 

*Please gamble responsibly. If you or someone you know have a gambling problem please call 1-800-GAMBLER. 

Dan Haren’s Child’s Homework Difficulty Level: Harvard

We all have that core memory of your Dad sitting with you at the table yelling because you don’t understand your homework. You fight back tears as he tells you you aren’t having dinner until it’s finished. At least I hope we’ve all had the moment? Fuck. 

Regardless, I get it now. He was taking out his freustration on me, not because I didn’t understand it, but because HE didn’t understand it. So rather than admit defeat, he pretended to teach me a lesson because he was unable to give me all the answers. 

Take for instance, Dan Haren’s kid’s homework that he posted. I’m going to post the picture below and it better fucking work otherwise this blog is useless. I’ll include the link below the picture just in case. 

https://twitter.com/ithrow88/status/1470628428885884932?s=21

A four year old?! How? Who the fuck illustrated this? Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code? Impressive 15 minute finish for the former A’s pitcher. My Dad wouldn’t have stood a chance. I don’t think I stand a chance. 

Let’s try and break it down row by row. It appears you have to rhyme the first picture with another picture in it’s row. 

#1

Chicken- friend? Chicken-couple? First one’s out. Chicken-spider? Chicken-web? Nope. Chicken-duck? Goodness. Double back. Maybe it’s not a chicken. Hen-friend? It’s not the best rhyme, but it’s the best I got. 

#2

First impression isn’t great. Bed-books? No. Bed-shelf? Bed-library? First one’s a no. Bed-net? I mean probably not, but maybe? Third picture, bed-front? Bed-leader? Wtf is that. Final answer: bed-net. 

#3 

Ok, I think that’s a vet. Vet-leg? Mehhh not great but we’ve accepted worse. Vet-plane? No. Vet-red? Right? I think red’s at the top of a traffic light. This homework is breaking my brain. None of them really rhyme but I think vet-red wins. Eminem could make that rhyme. 

#4

Feeling good about #4 after first glance. Pen-friend? Maybe, but I think we can do better. Pen-ten? BOOM, open and shut case. Not even gonna go to the third picture. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I have no idea what they’re doing in the last graphic. 

#5 

Fuck. Got way too cocky after 4. Looks like a kid with melted ice cream. Is it hot? Or messy? I mean he’s got it all in his hair. Let’s go with hot. Hot-married? Hot-wedding? Hot-parents? Ok, not the first option. Hot-lion? Hot-den? Shit, no. Hot-mouse? Hot-rat? Hot-pet? What’s happening? We’re leaving this last one blank. 

There you have it. I’d hand this in with hen-friend, bed-net, vet-red, pen-ten, and blank. Literally only one of them actually rhymes. I’m confident I’d get a 25% if this were a test. This is four year old level work and I am very concerned for myself. 

Play For The Crimson Tide, Where The Boys Have Your Back

When an Alabama football player has a request, the Tide faithful are always willing to answer the call. No matter how tall the order. So when starting left guard, Javion Cohen reached out to Twitter in an effort to get the attention of this years’s Homecoming Queen the interactions flooded in. 

But this is no ordinary Homecoming Queen. This is softball phenom and Tuscaloosa’s darling, Montana Fouts. The same Montana who stole hearts and strikezones in the past two seasons for the Crimson Tide. This is 27-4, 1.61 era, 24 complete games, 349 strikeouts in the 2021 season, Montana Fouts. The two-time All-American, two-time First Team, 2019 SEC Freshman Of The Year, 2021 SEC Tourney MVP, 2021 Pitcher Of The Year winner, herself. 

Sounds like a Ric Flair introduction, but you get the idea. The support on Twitter piled up. Tag after tag of @MontanaFouts piled up in the replies. Including encouraging messages like these: 

@andrew_dunn1994: “Hey man thanks for letting me borrow the family yacht this weekend fam, we had fun”

and

@DillonMoore28: “Aye bro thanks for rescuing me and my family from that burning building in time to make the ride to Atlanta and win the Sec championship” 

Well apparently we misread the situation. Javion, always the gentleman, responded in kind with the overwhelming amount of replies with the following tweet: 

“ima shooter with no weapon”, borderline Shakespearean. We have since received an update that Montana, not one to let the Crimson Tide family down, reached out to Javion to sign something for his sister just in time for the holidays. And you better keep your mouth shut about it, don’t ruin the surprise.

Now I ask you. Does this feel like a team, a fanbase, a city, that seems worried about Cincinnati? Of course not. Merry Christmas and Roll Tide. 

Ukraine Memes Russia While On The Brink Of War

If a quick Twitter search is to be believed, Russia is flirting with the idea of invading Ukraine. @PhillyD says a 175k troop offensive is being planned by Putin and he has a blue checkmark so it must be true. Ukraine’s first line of defense? Memes.

I mean, how do you come back from that? Besides like a nuclear arsenal and the world’s top five largest active military. What’s your response when Vindogs obviously moonlighting as Ukraine’s Secretary Of Defense? Does Russia immediately turn around? Do you think Putin laughed? 

I often wonder how wars and crime and stuff still happen after the births of Twitter and Tik Tok. I don’t take anything seriously. Nobody takes anything seriously. Do you remember the night we bombed Iran? RIP, but that was one of the funniest Twitter nights of all time. The WW3 tweets and videos came out at record speed. 

As silly as it might seem, it was probably a genius move by the Ukrainian government. Have you ever been the person that takes an argument way too far and everyone’s like “WOAH chill out, man! They’re just messing around.” Instant embarrassment. You can’t win the people when you’re the only one being serious in a fight. Thanks to this Tweet, all the eyes are now on this situation. You scroll right past a CNN or FOX headline, you retweet war memes. Win the internet, win the war. 

T’s and P’s to Eastern Europe, this is obviously very serious stuff. We’ve quite possibly witnessed the highest stake meme ever tweeted. And if we’re keeping score? 1-0 Ukraine. 

What I’m Most Excited For Since Joining The Metaverse

Ok so technically the Metaverse hasn’t launched yet but I bought an Oculus Quest 2 and that’s the first step. For anyone living under a rock, The Metaverse is the next phase in the internet’s evolution. A virtual universe running parallel to our reality. Spearheaded at the moment by Facebook, the Metaverse will change the way we socialize, shop, entertain, and even work. 

We are on the ground floor. We’re at the stage that Atari was at when they invented Pong. You know, that stupid game where the rectangle goes up and down to block the ball from going in the little slot. Almost like virtual air hockey but not fun. Fast forward to today and I can play as an assassin scaling the Great Pyramid of Giza with graphics so good it tricked my Dad into thinking it was a movie. Imagine how far VR will advance in that time frame. 

Which is crazy because the floor is already insanely high. I set up my Oculus today. Set my home as a God damn spaceship orbiting some distant planet. It’s stunning. I played a game that had ninjas trying to kill me going in and out of slow motion like I was Neo in the Matrix, and watched a YouTube video that made the screen look like it was an iMax movie theater. 

I’m still exploring, but it’s easy to understand why Evil Emporer Zurg was confident in changing his universally known brand of “Facebook” to “Meta”. They have something. Where will it go from here? It’s internet 2.0. Not since the introduction of the WorldWideWeb has there been this much potential on a new frontier. Here’s what I’m most excited for in the future. 

8. VIRTUAL TRAVEL

If I had the capital, I would visit every single country in the world. Now seeing something virtually will never hold a candle to the real thing, but it’s a damn good substitute. Always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower, Great Wall of China, Christ The Redeemer? Strap on a pair of goggles and see the Wonders of the World from the comfort of your couch in real dimensions. Maybe you don’t have the cash right now. Or maybe your elderly parent/grandparent who’s no longer capable of traveling would like to see their home country again. Or maybe there’s a wedding or graduation of a loved one that you can’t attend due to finances or health. Miss nothing. The Metaverse will give you the tools to see the entire world without even having to move your feet. 

7. EXERCISE 

Just because you don’t have to leave your couch doesn’t mean you have to be dormant. For me, one of the worst parts of going for a run or to the gym is the possibility of seeing someone I know. Why would I want someone to witness me out of breath, puffy, red and sweating? With partnerships like Peleton or probably a “smart” treadmill if that’s an invention yet, you can run or ride through the streets of Tokyo or Amsterdam to get your cardio in.

6. INSTRUCTION/ WORK

During the pandemic people fell head over heels with working from home. The Metaverse will provide a space where work comes to you. Virtual meetings, everyone having an office with a view of their choosing, and your entire career comfortably at your fingertips. 

But think bigger. Like Ender’s Game bigger. You might’ve read it in school but Ender’s Game is a book where they teach children the art of warfare in space through the use of games and simulation. The Metaverse is the perfect environment to learn high stakes skills with zero responsibility for mistakes. Say for instance, flying an airplane, or being an astronaut. If you’re in a world where you can learn next level skills adapting in real time to possible problems or difficult scenarios without any risk of danger. We could all be pilots. The possibilities are endless. 

5. TEACHING

Schools as we knew them, will be dead. Possibly with good reason. Imagine a future where schools teach their children with virtual reality goggles instead of chalkboards and erasers. You could mix chemicals or conduct dissections in Science. In Math you could team up to engineer skyscrapers together. History could bring you back to walk the battlefields of World War II, explore Versailles during the reign of King Louis XIV, or participate in the Boston Tea Party. Revolution is coming. 

4. SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

This might sound like an oxymoron but it’s already taken off. That’s why people are snatching up NFTs to hang up in their non-existent virtual living rooms to impress future guests with their rare virtual art collection. The Metaverse will be social media on steroids. Augmented reality will be the next addition to the Metaverse. Quick aside, think of virtual reality as putting on goggles and seeing only that universe and augumented reality as the glasses Iron Man gives Spider-Man. See reality with technological additions. Imagine walking down the street and your group chat pops up in your glasses to vote for the restaurant you’ll eat at. Menus can pop up as you walk past restaurants with reviews and ratings. A hybrid world where we can see the imprints people leave behind for impressions, advice, or instruction. 

3. ENTERTAINMENT  

Obviously today I was watching YouTube and fighting ninjas so the entertainment aspect has already begun. But there is so much room to grow. Gaming, watching TV/movies, and sports will change forever. The first video game I ever owned was Pokémon Red on a Nintendo Gameboy. It was pixelated, glitchy, and fucking mind blowing. But imagine a Pokémon game in virtual reality, where Charizard actually looks 7ft tall and blows fire at your face. I think we’re not far away from a movie or TV show where you’re the main character and the plot goes through your POV. The Metaverse will drop you into an immersive 360° storyline where you’re the hero. No tickets to the World Series? No problem. Place a bet in the Metaverse and turn your couch into backstop seats. Sit front row and witness sports history without having to take out a home equity loan. Watching sports in the Metaverse might be expensive at first but once the novelty wears off I fully expect it to be like a cable package. Remember when we used to have like 60 channels and now basic cable comes with like 600? It’ll be the same concept. 

2. MEDICINE

Autosurgeons have long been a staple in sci-fi based literature. Imagine the greatest minds of the generation able to perform surgeries and operations from the opposite of the world. Consultations no longer require waiting rooms with year-old magazines and booger sneezing zombies. Doctors around the world could share information, theories, and new experiments with interactive maps of different organs that rotate, enlarge, and dissect. The Metaverse could save lives. Unlock the mysteries of Alzheimer’s! Find a cure to cancer! This is how humanity grows. We’ll come together to build a world where new advancements will push the boundaries of life itself. 

1. PORN

Porn. 

We kind of fucked up the first internet. We had good intentions and it shows signs of promise here and there but it’s an otherwise unhappy place. The Metaverse is our chance to hit the reset button and build a parallel universe built on morales, charity, and goodwill. 

Opening Gifts In Front Of People Should Be Illegal In All Countries

It’s the holiday season and we’re all losing our minds for that perfect gift. Will they like it? Will they get it? Is it too much? Is it too little? Buying gifts is a lot of pressure, but not nearly as much pressure as the other side. 

The old adage that it’s better to give gifts to than to receive them is 100% true. But only because you have to open all the gifts you receive. 

Christmas and birthdays can be awkward. Women are sociopaths for what they do at baby showers. Weddings are the only events who do it correctly. In tandem, in private, and with the ability to talk shit or praise appropriately. 

Given the time of year, I’ll talk Christmas since that’s what I celebrate. Im trying to think and I’m pretty confident that I can say I’ve never received a gift I didn’t like. That being said, there are definitely different categories that demand different reactions. For instance, you’re not going to react the same as opening a pair of jeans as say a PS5. 

That lower tier of presents turns you into a sub soap-opera level actor. You have to make a face that shows you appreciate the gift. But it’s not like anyone’s ever been amazed or surprised by a nice shirt. In a store you don’t change facial expressions when you see a shirt you like? You think, “oh that’s a cool shirt,” grab it and leave. But when opening a t-shirt you have to smile and do that weird thing where you unfold it and look at the back of it. Spoiler, the back of a shirt looks exactly like the front except there’s nothing on it. And then what do they guilt you with? “Oh I kept the receipt if you don’t like it.” No I fuckin like it but I’ve never seen a jacket that makes me go “FUCK YES A NEW MOTHERFUCKING JACKET!” 

Even if you get a gift you were hoping for it’s rocky terrain to navigate. This is your PS5 or new piece of jewelry or furniture or snowboard or laptop or whatever the fuck you really wanted. You know what the money shot is when you open it. Not since I was maybe seven years old have I jumped up and down in excitement. Outside of smiling and saying thank you or “this is awesome”, what can you do to truly show appreciation? I do that thing where I say they shouldn’t have and that it was too expensive but of course I’m lying. I know it and they know it. I showed interest in wanting something and it was bought for me. Why would I then recant my desire now that I go it?

It’s not that I hate gifts, I just hate myself when I receive them. 

If you have to “exchange” gifts with another person the only viable option is to get them a better gift. It’s the only way to assure that you’re not going to feel like a piece of shit. It’s probably why I’m such a good gift giver. But if you’re giving gifts to your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, family member, or friend, the best gift you can give them is privacy to open it. 

Cancer Is Weird

Cheery, I know. It’s a weird thing to talk about. It’s something so prevalent, always lurking in the shadows, we all know or have known someone with cancer. But yet, we’re all still awkward when it’s brought up. Whenever it’s talked about it’s either a rallying cry, “Beat Cancer!…Stand Up To Cancer!…Fuck Cancer!”, or very serious and somber. I don’t think I need to quote the somber bits, you’ve heard “lost their battle” before. But the truth is there are lots of bits in the middle that we need to confront. 

My Dad has cancer. I’m not the first person it’s happened to, I won’t be the last. I’m not looking for your sympathy, I just want to have an honest conversation about it. I’ve learned the hard way that when someone close to you has cancer, people tend to tip toe around the topic while still trying to poke and prod for information. 

I’ve known for months about my Dad’s diagnosis. It’s hard to explain how many people my Dad knows but it’s more than you. If you’re sitting there thinking well not more than ME, you’re wrong. More than you. To avoid him from becoming a cancer-riddled Beatle, I decided to keep my mouth shut about his disease. The amount of people that would’ve called, texted, stopped him in the street to ask him about his illness and constantly remind him the jeopardy his mortality is in would have been too much. So I kept my mouth shut, and let him tell who he wanted to tell.  

Well today he had surgery in an effort to remove the cancer. Started out hot with the surgeon being hours late because his previous surgery had “complications”. Exactly what the guy in the on-deck circle wants to hear. Surgery went flawlessly, as far as I’m told. He looks to be in good spirits, the hospital is keeping him overnight just as a precaution. Point is, his bozo friend decided to post a picture of my Dad scoffing down Perkins with the caption “Please pray for my friend who’s having an operation today.” Idiot. 

I was getting calls, texts, social media messages from friends, co-workers, family members, and even strangers. “What happened to your Dad? Why didn’t you tell me? What’s wrong with him? Is he okay? You’re Dad has cancer?! Why didn’t you say anything? Why? Why? Why?” What we’re you going to do? Cure it? It’s not like it comes up in casual conversation. Hey what’s the parlay this weekend, oh by the way my Dadbhas cancer. If I wanted to talk about it, I would have talked about it. Because you’re not important enough to know, that’s why. 

People have been very angry with me today because my Dad has cancer. 

I get it and I don’t get it. Cancer makes people act strange, but also I would never act like that. Am I just better than everyone? 

Different strokes for different folks is what I’ve learned. Take my Mom for instance. Two nights ago when my Dad was walking the dog I served up a joke for my brother to spike on my Dad when he came back inside. To which my Mother responded “Don’t you dare! What’s wrong with you? Cancer?!” Mind you, it wasn’t a joke about cancer. It was about the new car he just bought. To which I replied, “Yeah because if there’s one thing people with cancer love, it’s being treated differently.” We didn’t do the joke. 

My Dad and I are extremely close. I’m his namesake. We’ve only talked about his cancer once. It was the night after my Mom told me his diagnosis. I brought it up driving him to the bar because I knew he didn’t want to have the conversation in front of his granddaughters who didn’t know yet. 

“Mom told me.” 

“Sucks, huh.” 

“That’s one way of putting it.” 

We talked about his doctors appointments, suggestions, and what the next step was. We fought back a few tears, he shook my knee, and I asked if he wanted to talk about it more. “Nope.” I told him if that ever changes or if something ever feels wrong to call me immediately. He agreed, and then cracked a joke about a doctor shoving a finger up his ass. 

That was it. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because he’s still relatively healthy, but most of the time I forget he even has it. We’re still in that in-between. Which is good, because for him and I that means the way we’re coping with it is working for us. 

Everyone copes differently I suppose. Some people want to talk about. Some people want to be left alone. Some people want to air it out on social media to spread awareness and receive love. Some people want to joke about having a finger up their ass. But as far as I’m concerned, if anyone not in my immediate family has an issue with how I choose to deal with this, they can kindly suck my dick. 

This Week Was A Perfect Example Of Why You Should Go To A Big Football School

This blog is in no way meant to shit on small schools. I did a small stint at Scranton. I had some of the best nights of my life there with people I cherish dearly. But going to Alabama was possibly the best decision I’ve made thus far. 

First of all money wise, especially in the south, it isn’t even close. I saved nearly 70k leaving Scranton for Alabama. Of course if your in-state you might want weigh your options, but don’t. I urge everyone choosing a school to go big. My little brother was thinking that Rowan or FDU or Ramapo route. I plead with him to get out of our little part of the world for a couple years. Unconvinced, I took him on a college tour to see campuses by day and party by night. Just him and I. We did Virginia Tech, South Carolina, Florida, Florida St., Georgia, and Alabama in about a week and a half. He was a Seminole by spring. 

If you’re a sports fan already it’s an easy sell. Do you know how much I paid for my student ticket package at Alabama? $75. It included every single home game and a free first come first serve approach for away games. 

Nothing fired me up like walking to class on a Friday seeing them starting to set up the tents on the quad for Saturday’s showdown. Passing guys that I would be drafting on my fantasy team the following year on my way to sociology. And the games my goodness, there’s no describing it. Nerves despite a perfect record. Screaming your head off despite losing your voice. Losing your ever loving mind for touchdowns and turnovers. Then win or lose, we booze. Luckily in my case, we rarely lost. 

But even if you aren’t into sports, something will happen to you. Whether it’s camaraderie, protecting your investment, or just an excuse to drink, you will become a fan. The culture will swallow you up. There’s a sense of pride that you wear going to a big football school. Nobody talks shit about your small private college, there’s no reason to? But when you go to an Alabama or a Michigan or whatever, you have to constantly defend your program. You will find yourself drunk in a bar screaming at a stranger with a finger in their face over the state of your team. It’s inevitable. I had a friend who went to Alabama, didn’t give a fuck about football. Didn’t know a quarterback from an offensive lineman, told me she planned on selling all her tickets. I can still see all 5’2” of her screaming with her eyes bulging out, “BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!! KILL! KILL!”

Then you graduate, and you’re very very sad. 

Until football rolls back around. You dust off your lucky hat, throw on a jersey and socks with your school’s emblem and verbally assault a TV. It’s just like you remember it. The passion is still very much alive. 

Look at this last week. We have programs throwing parades for their newly hired messiahs. Grown adults treating an ex-coach like a terrorist for releasing a photo of him flipping the bird. Michigan snuffing Ohio St.’s dreams after a ten year losing streak. Then 100k people stormed the Big House to dance on their graves. Bedlam was, well, Bedlam and OK St. quite literally ran Lincoln Riley out of town. I had to watch the Iron Bowl with shock paddles on standby as Alabama and Auburn went to quadruple overtime. I was screaming to let me suit up. The anger and heat inside me truly convinced me believe I could plug our right side of the OLine. Thankfully, Alabama broke the streak of five home teams winning in a row to keep their playoff hopes alive. 

This shits for life. I mean, so are the loans but totally worth it. 

If you’re just graduating high school, get out there. Your hometown isn’t going anywhere. There’s no cure for a hangover quite like sweating in a stadium filled with 100k people. If you’re at a small school, leave. Coaches leave on ten minutes notice, athletes enter the transfer portal, there’s no reason engineer majors can’t pull the same stunt. If you graduated from a big school, I’ll see you in the rear view. If you graduated from a small school, you fucked up. 

Lincoln Riley Is Terrified Of The SEC

Lincoln Riley has been one of the best coaches in college football in the past five years. I have no problem giving him his flowers. He’s been courted by blue blood college programs and NFL teams every single year since his debut season. So what changed? 

Yeah yeah I know, his contract is crazy . $110 million, buyout his OU contract, buy both his homes 500k over asking price, hand him a $6 million home, and a 24/7 private jet to boot. Blah blah frickety blah. People are going nuts about this private jet. Fucking Schiano worked a private jet into his Rutgers contract and he hasn’t done shit in the last decade. You think USC is the only program that can afford this ransom? LSU’s pockets ain’t light. 

The other big rumor for Riley was to be the new Tiger King of Baton Rouge. In my opinion, what should have been the most coveted vacancy. Has another school ever been able to boast that their last three Head Coaches have won a National Championship? The school is guaranteeing you recruits, guaranteeing a giant contract, and guaranteeing you your best shot at a college football legacy with a National Championship. Ok so maybe Lincoln rathered LA over a Louisiana swamp. But I’m not buying that reasoning. Plus like, traffic… ever heard of it? 

So why not LSU? And why leave now? Lincoln Riley just signed a six year extension with OU in July of 2020. He just filed for inspection for his new home he was building in Norman this fall? What the hell changed?

The SEC is not for the weak hearted. Orgeron just got shown the door two seasons removed from a National Championship. Dan Mullen was fired after bringing Florida to the SEC championship in his third season! Gene Chizik two years after winning a Natty at Auburn, gone. Mark Richt 145-51 at Georgia, goes 1-3 against Saban, fired. Les Miles, championship winning coach, 114-34 all time goes 3-7 vs Alabama,  dead. This isn’t worrying about Iowa St and TCU mediocrity out here. Week in and week out you’re playing grown men. No one knew that better than Lincoln Riley. 

Lincoln has taken Oklahoma to the playoffs three times. All three times he lost to an SEC team. His first year he put up a fight against Georgia. The other two playoff games both Alabama and LSU put Lincoln Riley over their knee. Whenever OU played an SEC team in a must win situation, Sooners couldn’t get it done. 

I reckon when Oklahoma decided to leave the Big 12 is precisely when Lincoln Riley decided to leave Oklahoma. He saw the trail of dead bodies that Nick Saban and Kirby Smart left in their rear view and walked, no, RAN out to California. Another dead conference where he can be a a big fish in a small pond. Lincoln Riley is a little bitch boy. Terrified of the SEC, it just fucking means more. 

How To Stop Reliving Your Bad Drunken Nights

If you’re unlucky it hits you as soon as you wake up the next morning. Sometimes it comes to you in the shower. A certain phrase or word could trigger it. Even worse in a text, forcing you to face reality. But when you’ve had a bad night of drinking, the humiliation comes in one form or another. You convinced yourself it probably wasn’t that bad, but it was. 

Maybe you were embarassing. Maybe you were mean. Maybe you stroked the ego of someone you don’t even like. Maybe you agreed on topics you’re actually against or made promises you had no intention of keeping. Maybe you professed your love. Maybe you faked love. Whatever the case, the cringes toll for thee. 

When a flashback of an argument, or a heart to heart, or a failed pursuit invades your thinking space, it’s paralyzing. You cringe, suck your teeth, or maybe even groan and yell it out. So how do you make it stop?

First you need to get in the right mind set. It happened, don’t give yourself false hope by trying to convince yourself otherwise. It was just your time to pay the piper. Don’t make excuses of outside influences causing you to overdo it. It was just your turn to take one on the chin. If you haven’t made an ass of yourself while enjoying a drink, cast the first stone. Don’t feel ashamed of something everyone has done. Shame is nothing. Shame is just something the Catholics invented to force you to give them money. 

Stop the bleeding. If it was a public spectacle odds are you’re gonna catch some heat in the inbox. If your friends are like mine, you’ll most likely be burned at the stake where everyone can see, the group chat. This is where I like to take what I call, the “Varys Approach”. I am availible to all my friends, I am a trustworthy confidant, I’m accepting, and above all else, I keep receipts. I’m a group historian in a sense. If anyone tries you in the chat, send them a screen shot or an embarrassing picture of themselves. I personally have a file on all my friends. It’s not blackmail, it’s just reminding them of a time when you kept your mouth shut when they had a bad moment. Its definitely not blackmail. 

Clear your mind. The Taoist monks of China have been trying to clear their mind of thought through meditation since before JC. Their government finally released a reasonable thoughtlessness solution nearly 2,000 years later- Tik Tok. It’s my personal choice because it fills me with useless fun facts, traveling fantasies, and people getting hit in the nuts. Whatever works for you, deploy it. Netflix, video games, sports, movies, whatever it is that gets you to that point where your brain is on airplane mode. 

Indulge. This probably isn’t the best time to be rewarding yourself but fuck it. You already abandoned your morals last night, you can afford to lose the diet too. Order food you shouldn’t eat. Grab a snack. Eat the ice cream in the freezer. Give yourself something to look forward to. Time heals all and you’re in a race against a countdown til this thing you did doesn’t matter anymore. Fill the countdown with things you enjoy. 

Accept what you did but don’t forgive yourself just yet. Especially if you did something you need to apologize for. Just apologize and accept the consequence. People who ask for forgiveness have already granted it to themselves. Don’t be that person. 

If all else fails go get drunk again, you’ll be less hard on yourself. It’s a Hail Mary but it has a high conversion rate. Unless of course you were violent or committed a crime or something. If that’s the case, maybe it’s time to hang em up. 

Of course your best course of action is just don’t be a idiot when you blackout. Or don’t blackout ever. I don’t know, I’ve heard it works but haven’t tried it yet.

Everyone’s had a bad night, you’re doing fine.

Going To A Restaurant On Thanksgiving

Yesterday was the day after Thanksgiving Eve. A day of reflection spent pretending that you’re not hungover and like all of your cousins. This year was something. My dad had been reinstated to holidays since he’s started dating my mother again. My family couldn’t go to my aunt’s like normal since my grandfather won’t talk to my uncle. And I’d been ignoring all my friends texts messages because of my performance from the night before. So what did we do? Kicked a field goal down 28 in the fourth. We went to a restaurant on Thanksgiving. 

I picked up my little brother from his trailer in the late afternoon. Normally not one to miss a holiday Instagram opportunity, he walked out in a hoodie, beanie, and cigarette hanging off his lip looking like he hadn’t slept. It’s why I decided to drive him, misery loves company. We tried erasing flashbacks of the night before by chain smoking menthols and playing alternative music too loud. It didn’t work. 

Despite our 3:30 reservation, we didn’t sit until 3:15. I don’t know if you’ve been to a restaurant on Thanksgiving but it’s a sad place. It’s mostly fathers having their crack at it while their kids scroll through the phones. Or other various characters who dressed like they had been kicked out of their family. Plus all the servers look at you like it’s your fault that they’re not seeing their family today.

It took saying grace for my grandpa to bring up my uncle. No one found it as funny as I did but he gave me a wink after his rant. After my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s we took his car since he insisted he could still drive. We took it about two years ago and whenever he asks where it is we say it’s only been in the shop for a week. But it wasn’t always that easy. My uncle, who’d spent the most time with my grandpa, fell on the grenade for us. When we first took the car grandpa lashed out at all of us. My grandma and aunt took the brunt of it. So my uncle sat him down, asked him if he trusted him, told him he took the car and explained the dangers of him driving. Since my grandfather’s sick, he said my uncle stopped in the middle of the Outerbridge, dangled his keys in his face, and chucked them over the side. Now he says the next time my uncle will see him is at his wake. None of it is true of course, I actually have my grandpa’s car now and even drove it to the restaurant. 

My grandma was stressed over my grandpa. My mom was sad her sister couldn’t be there. My dad was overcompensating too much for missing the last three Thanksgivings. My brother couldn’t stop going to the bathroom. My sister’s baby, the youngest of her four, wouldn’t stop climbing on her and crying no matter what tricks we threw at him. We were the crying baby table. And my flashbacks wouldn’t stop coming. 

But do you know what? My grandma gave the funny toast she does every year. My oldest niece and I played a game where we make funny faces and the first one to laugh loses. I lost every time. My sister and I almost fell on the floor from the look my mom gave my little brother when he came out of the bathroom wiping his mouth. My nieces were so excited to ask my parents to keep going up to the buffet to make their plates. And my Grandpa had us dying when he kept having his great grandchildren recite “knock-knock” jokes that made absolutely no fucking sense. 

It wasn’t what we were used to. It wasn’t what we preferred. But any day on this side of the ground is a good day. And I was thankful that we ate together, even if it was at a depressing ass restaurant. 

The Yankees Don’t Buy Players But I Wish They Would

I’m in a three person group chat with a Sox and Mets fan so I’m often left defending myself from a two pronged attack. It’s always the same cliche throwaway insults during this time of year. “Yankees fans think they can sign everyone”, “Yankees have to buy their championships” “blah blah blah”. They hear each other say it so much that they never stopped to realize that it really isn’t true. 

Ok so there’s Gerrit Cole, I recognize that. But 300 mil is the new 200 mil, right? Plus the Mets went out and gave stinky Lindor like a gazillion dollars. So whatever. But outside of Cole, that’s pretty much it. 

Last year we signed a thirty four Corey Kluber to one year 11 million. Not exactly breaking the bank. We also initially signed a LeMahieu that nobody wanted to a two year 24 million dollar contract. 

Outside of those three players, who in the Yankees starting rotation or lineup was “bought”? No one that’s who. 

Gary Sanchez came up through the farm. Voit traded for. Rizzo traded for. Got Gleyber and Ursela in a trade. Judge drafted. Stanton traded for. Gardner drafted. Joey Gallo traded for. German came up through the farm. Jordan Montgomery and Nestor Cortes were drafted. Jameson Taillon traded for. 

But but but Yankees always buy All Stars! No they don’t. They’re much more likely to to trade for an All Star and that’s another team’s fault, not ours. So tell Stroman to shut his bitch ass up. 

But I wish we would buy all the all stars. I wanted Bryce Harper and Manny Machado. Go crazy. I was promised a fully operational Death Star and what I got was Brian Cashman with a claw machine laser pointer. In the words of Tyrion Lannister, “I wish I was the monster you think I am.” 

I reserve the right to rescind this entire blog if the Yankees sign Seager/Kershaw/Freeman/Scherzer. 

Big Bait Catches Big Rat

I read somewhere once that if people were gambling on a coin flip and there were an equal amount of people betting on heads as there is tails, the handicapper would have to change the 50/50 odds. Makes sense right? If the amount of winnings equal the amount of losses, the house can’t win. So they throw little nuggets to entice you to one side or another. Rat lines, as they’re commonly known. I know they’re manipulating me, but I ate the cheese anyway.

How the fuck do they always know? I’ve never accepted “algorithms” as an acceptable answer. That’s cheating and they know it. There’s absolutely no reason for Aaron Rodgers to throw for four touchdowns and 385 yards only to lose to Kirk Cousins and a 4-5 Vikings team. What’re you some fuckin wizard? HOW DID YOU DO KNOW THAT? 

In case you can’t tell the last three weeks have kicked my balls in. Since I was getting soo much wrong I decided to only bet heavy on one game. You guessed it, Packers. “And Eve bit the apple and suddenly knew she was naked.” It’s just.. I thought… you know, it was so low because Aaron hadn’t been playing so they were overcompensating for his drama and I would catch them slipping. I’m playing mind games with an invisible entity. 

After the Packers game I went to the 7/11 across the street to get a bag of Tostitos. I ordered Skillet Queso from Chili’s and it got delivered with dip but no chips. Imagine the state of me then. Legally I think I could fight that kitchen to the death with no repercussions. The 50 something year old guy in front of me came in only for scratch offs. He was skinny and frail looking. He had dirt in his fingernails and holes in his sweatpants. I pitied him. Scratch offs seemed suddenly cruel to promise a life of grandeur to a man who would never see it fulfilled. On the way to our cars the man lit a cigarette and I hit my vape and we both left in our respective Hondas. Fuck. 

I decided then to take a break from gambling. I vetoed my decision almost immediately when I realized Thanksgiving was this Thursday. I haven’t canceled the break, just postponed it. Might as well start ripping my sweat pants now. 

Gamble Responsibly. 

High School Reunions Have Been Rendered Useless

Hollywood would have you believe that high school reunions are magical places. A chance to settle old scores, overturn unrequited love, and prove to everyone once and for all that they were wrong about you. Romy, Michele, and the American Pie crew all had me convinced that this one going to be one of the best nights of my life. But is anyone even going to these things anymore?

I could see the entire thing in my head. The jock still in his letterman jacket whos 3/4 bald and turned town drunk. The pregnant cheerleader who’s lost a step chain smoking menthols. The nerd who got hot. The quiet kid turned millionaire. But that’s not the case, is it?

One thing you don’t think about as a senior in high school is how you’re only(!) 28 at your ten year reunion. Ten years is an enternity at that age. It’s more than half your existence. You’re going to be so different in ten years! Except none of us really are.

Sure, some people are doing great. But majority still live home with their parents paying off their student loans. Their more sophisticated pallet turned into doing cocaine on the weekends instead of buying dime bags from the kid who graduated two years ago. You got some change in your pocket now. But going from server to bartender wasn’t really the “next step” you were hoping for. We all still drink Fridays and Saturdays, except we stopped playing sports so everyone put on a couple pounds. Otherwise, ain’t shit changed, so do what’s the point of catching up?

Apparently my line of thinking seems to be the consensus since I’m not having a High School Reunion this year. Ten years have gone by and there’s no committee, no Facebook group announcement, not even a group text message. Apparently no one feels the need to relive our private school years just yet. My mother, as she’s contractually bound to do, is very upset over this despite it not concerning her whatsoever. Which developed into hearing allll about her high school reunion. 

I’ve seen pictures of my dad’s ten year high school reunion. They were much older ten years after high school than my graduating class is. Anyone in a picture with a yellow hue over it was old even when the picture was taken. They had families with three kids hanging off of them and talked about the remodel they're doing on their kitchen. I’d say less than ten people have children in my class and none of them did it on purpose. My dad’s class introduced their spouses and talked to people they hadn’t seen since high school. They wore name tags just in case they forgot each other’s names already? I know maybe three couples who got married and it was to the same person they were feeling up when the ball dropped in 2010. 

I know everything about everyone I went to high school with whether I want to or not. Social media has changed the game. I know the ones who are trying to start their own shitty company with no business model. I know the names of the babies of people who got knocked up. I know the ones who selling cable packages and won’t acknowledge the pyramid scheme they’re in. I know the ones who turned hippie and make videos on their holistic healing methods. I know what the quiet girl who sat behind me in Trig had for breakfast this morning and I’ve never even said a word to her. 

Whats there to catch up on? We’ve had impromptu reunions at DJais and Bar A every summer. I didn’t care to hear about what stocks they invested in then and I don’t care for it now. If they had anything interesting to tell me at a ten year reunion I’d reply “Oh yeah, I saw you post that,” and then the conversation would flatline. My parents needed a reunion because they got married four years after high school and never saw anyone again. I saw a kid I was in a school project with once in Belmar and smoked a cigarette with him on the porch and watched the cops write him a ticket for peeing in public. 

We’re all caught up. No ones different, nothing drastics happend, and it turns out ten years isn’t a long time. Guess we’ll have to wait til the next one. Which is fine by me. I always needed extensions in high school, and now I have til the twenty year to get my shit together. 

How To Become A Holiday Shopping God

I have an affinity for thrift stores. The possibility of getting one over on an idiot who doesn’t know what they’re selling is enough to make my mouth water. That adrenaline rush is what led me to finding my secret favorite website: shopgoodwill. 

Goodwill stores are in thirty-six states around the US. They’re a place to go shopping for used items like clothing, electronics, art, jewelry, furniture, etc. All of the items are donated, mainly from families who didn’t know what to do with all grandma’s crap when she croaked. Occasionally, you’ll find something half decent in a store but those moments are few and far between. Why? Because all the good shits on the website. 

Not many people know this, but Goodwill has online shopping. It’s an endless catalog of wonders that replenishes itself every day. It’s a bidding system that awards the highest bidder when the time runs no matter what, no extensions. There’s 30 different categories, each with thousands of items to cyber sift through. It’s easy to get lost for hours. 

The site has everything. Right now some of the most popular items are Travis Scott’s Cactus Jack Jordan’s, a WW1 helmet, a lot of 7 Nintendo Wii’s with 19 controllers, and a Christian Dior full length mink coat. The highest bid for an item at the moment is 40k for a diamond bracelet that was appraised at 119k. 

But I bob and weave all that garbage. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel for the treasure no ones found yet. To be successful you need to know where to search, good timing, and a little bit of luck. 

Keywords are crucial. Know what you’re looking for and then filter it by most bids. Let other people find do they heavy lifting, most of the time they’ll still only bid $15 dollars anyway. Then you sit and wait til the final minute when they think they’re safe and pull the rug out. I’ve gotten things like vintage Ray Bans, a Widdy dart board, and a signed Gerorge RR Martin signed GOT book doing this. 
I got so good at buying stuff for myself on shopgoodwill that I decided to do my Christmas shopping for others. Today I bought my brother a dope Camel ash try from the 90’s, a collectible Batman glass from McDonald’s that we used to drink sodas out of at our grandma’s house, and a signed headshot of Billy Zane. All that plus a Deion shirt from the Barstool store and I can cross him off the list. Four things I know he’ll love and it cost me less than $70.
Whatever someone likes, type it into the search bar. If they like Star Wars, I searched that once and found a sweet 80’s Miller High Life poster with Lando and chained up Leia looking like they were about to get it on. If they like a college program, search that for old starter jackets and old memorabilia for cheap. Want an N64? They have 29 consoles available right now. Hell if they like Brett Favre, there’s a signed photo with the certicate of authenticity currently at $9.99. Don’t believe me? 

I still have some bids out so I’m not going to tell you where are the treasured buried, but it’s out there. 
You can go the weird and obscure route like myself. Or check popular sports items and video games and shit. Just set an alarm so you don’t get sucked into a vortex. The site is your oyster. If you can think it, shopgoodwill has something for it. Come Christmas time, people will think you’re a god and you never have to tell them it barely cost you a dime.  

Robert Durst Of HBO Documentary “The Jinx” Sentenced For Murder

Obviously “true crime” has been around for eons, but I feel like The Jinx was the first time that streaming platforms realized it was a gold mine. It’s the first one I remember streaming anyway, back when HBOMax was HBOGo. Ten months after Jinx’s success, Netflix released Making A Murderer and opened the flood gates. 

The statute of limitations on spoiling The Jinx is way past due. It came out seven years ago, get a grip. So to refresh your memory, The Jinx goes into the life of Robert Durst and the suspicious deaths that seemed to follow him around the country. It started with the disappearance of his wife Kathie in 1982. To this day her body has never been recovered. Then Robert moved to California and became close friends with writer, Susan Berman. Right before Susan was set recant her alibi given for Durst to police, she was found executed in her apartment. Robert then moved to Galveston, Texas. Nearly a year after Susan’s death, the body of his neighbor and friend Morris Black was discovered dismembered in a river. Robert confessed to this murder and got off on a self defense argument. At the end of the documentary, the filmmaker provides damning evidence against Robert to his face and he excuses himself to the bathroom on a hot mic. This chilling video shows Robert talking to himself on the unsuspecting microphone saying, “There it is, your caught….What the hell did I do? Killed them all, of course.” Durst was arrested the day before the release of the documentary. 

Every where Robert Durst went, the person he was closest with wound up murdered. Now you may be wondering why law enforcement just shrugged their shoulders like yeah we’re not sure who did this shit. Robert is from an old New York family who’s built a real estate empire with unlimited money. According to Forbes, the Durst family owns more than 16 million square feet in both New York and Philadelphia in various skyscrapers and luxury housing. They even own 10% of the World Trade Center. The family is worth 8.1 billion, with a “b”. So they let little Robbie run rampant. 

It’s a shame really that saying someone “sounds like a murderer” will never hold up in court. Obviously with all this death surrounding Robert, he was looked into. The second he opened his mouth you knew he did that shit. But with unlimited lawyers and resources, prosecution was never able to get anything to stick. Until now. 

In mid October, Robert Durst was sentenced to life without parole for the murder of Susan Berman. Some of the strongest evidence came from the documentary itself. It included a letter that was written to police to locate Berman’s body which misspelled the word “Beverley” for Beverly Hills. Thefilmmakers  uncovered a previous letter from Durst to Berman where “Beverley” was misspelle and had the handwriting analyzed and matched. Robert’s bathroom confessional was also used again him. Found guilty, first-degree murder. 

Now, a grand jury has indicted Robert Durst for the murder of his wife in 1982. It might seem like beating a dead horse, but in opening this case Kathie’s family hopes to put pressure on the District Attorney to look into the possible involvement of Robert’s brother and head of the Durst Organization, Douglas in influencing the case. A possible forty year cover up hangs in the balance. 

Robert’s currently in custody in California. He’s hospitalized for bladder cancer and contracting Covid at 78 years old. His lawyer is concerned for his health. I’m not. Robert Durst got 23 and 48 more years than Susan Berman and Kathie McCormack. Rot in hell, little bitch.

Are We Now Responsible For Britney Spears?

Fine, I’ll do it.

Freeing Britney Spears is one of those rare moments where the entire internet is an agreement. We kumbaya’d, we protested, we made documentaries. And we won. Britney is free. But has anoybody stopped to wonder if we might have “unleashed” the former Princess of Pop?

Let me start by saying, I think Britney’s father is a monster. Controlling her medication, financials, and overall life while forcing her to perform is gross. He even looks like a villain. 

I truly believe that we failed Britney Spears. Her family failed her, the media failed her, and we the public failed her. She was subjected to inappropriate interviews where she was hit on, Justin Timberlake talking about her virginity, and the paparazzi’s dependency on her mental issues. She was clearly robbed of a normal childhood, and I’m glad she’s now in control of her own life. But I pray she’s capable of a being an adult. 

Have we forgotten about 2007 Britney? Some of these kids wearing #FreeBritney t-shirts were still in diapers during the star’s year long breakdown. So allow me to break down the breakdown. 
Her very public divorce from K-Fed was the genesis of Britney’s spiral. She started partying along with the queens of Hollywood. Her long nights and early morning with Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton ultimately ended with Britney checking into rehab. She wrote a letter to her fans on how she’s looking forward to coming out bigger and better than ever. A self-fulfilling prophecy of epic proportions. 
The day after she checked herself out of said rehab is when we get her famous head shave freak out. I understand it was a statement of her being in control of herself. But she reportedly did it herself after the hairdresser refused to buzz her saying, “I just don’t want anybody, anybody touching my head. I don’t want anybody touch my hair. I’m sick of people touching my hair.” Totally understandable, but maybe don’t go to hair salon? The number one place for hair touching. 
Britney checked into a rehab two days later. Checked herself out in less than a day and then returned to finish the program after her estranged husband asked for an emergency custody hearing. 
Her divorce with Federline was finalized that July and she now had to fight for custody. That August Britney was charged with a hit and run and driving without a license two weeks after a judge mandated random drug tests stating he found her to be “habitual, frequent, and continuous” user of drugs and alcohol. 
The custody battle ends in October and Britney is forced to relinquish temporary custody of her two boys to her ex-husband. A few days after it was finalized, her bodyguard, Tony Barretto, accused Britney of child abuse and sent a referral to DCFS on the grounds of “issues of nudity by Ms. Spears, drug use, and safety issues involving the children post-rehab.”
The last straw actually came in early 2008. After a visitation with her two sons, Britney refused to return her children to her ex husband. Federline’s bodyguard allegedly tried to convincing Britney, who he claims was intoxicated, to return custody of the boys. After an hour and a half the police were called. The children were returned and Britney was taken for psychiatric evaluation. That February, she’s put into conservatorship under her father. 
We know now that granting dear old dad responsibility was the wrong move. But all of the actions listed above came before the conservatorship. Who was the architect of her behavior? If you want to say that Britney shouldn’t be blamed for her actions back then due to the way she was treated, that’s fine. I actually agree with you. But the fact remains that the person who was in and out of rehab, was called a habitual drug user by a judge, was accused of child abuse, and then involved her children in a custody standoff with the police is now free of supervision. 
I believe in second chances. Even fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh chances. I think we can agree to forgive a forty year old Britney Spears for the actions of a twenty-six year old. But if she goes off the deep end again, we can no longer blame her father for her actions, and we’ve accepted that she’s not responsible. So will the FreeBritney movement take accountability? I doubt it. 
I hate to say it but how ironic would it be if the #FreeBritney movement is ultimately what lands her in jail. The world is rooting for Britney. I’m rooting for Britney. But after being on lockdown for thirteen years, she deserves to let loose a bit. I just pray that she takes every resource available to successfully transition back into freedom. Because Britney knows best, the only thing the media loves more than a redemption story is a crash and burn. Their cash cow is back. Every move she makes will be under the microscope. Don’t take the bait. Because you know that they’re fucking dying to write that “Oops She Did It Again” headline. 

Is Instagram Dead?

Way back when in 2012, when Facebook was being overrun by people with paid off mortgages, Instagram was the place to be. It was a free for all of long hashtags, fake candids, and blatant cyber flirting. No stories, no meme pages, no ads. Just people you actually knew trying to convince the world they were good looking, kind hearted, or interesting. 

Yesterday I found myself scrolling on Instagram with my brain on airplane mode when something struck me. I’d been scrolling for like three minutes and hadn’t seen a single post of anyone I actually knew. I follow 701 people, where the hell is everyone?

What I was subject to was absurd. Multiple meme pages that post identical jokes minutes apart from each other. Sports profiles that treat it like Twitter with the amount of quotes they post as pictures. Seriously, Bleacher Report should be in jail for how much they spam. And I shit you not, a sponsored advertisement of a product I don’t follow a minimum every four posts. Honestly try it. You won’t get past four real posts without an ad. How many fucking NFTs do you need Zuckerberg?

I haven’t posted a picture since July 30th, 2019. I’m aware Instagram isn’t holding it’s breath for my next post, or living or dying on my participation. But I feel like no one posts anymore unless they have a brand they need to maintain. 

Where are all the real people? Is that why Instagram shoves memes, highlights, and “posts you might like” down your throat? To distract you from the fact that out of the actual 1,000 people you follow, only 12 of them have posted something in the last three weeks? If Instagram isn’t deceased, it’s certainly on life support. 

Instagram has essentially become Facebook in that it’s initial purpose has become so diluted that you only go back to it out of habit. But you don’t stay long. I had a purge yesterday in unfollowing meme pages, sports profiles (hello? Twitter?), and celebrities. I kept a handful of the essentials of course, but otherwise I’m back to basics. I must say it’s made my mindless scrolling much more enjoyable, even if I’m still up to my neck in ads. 

The Weirdest Competitions Around The World

I’ve always resented people who say they love to travel, like it’s a part of who they are. Cause like no shit? Have you ever met someone who says “nah hate traveling actually”. Loads of people are just living for their next vacation. I’m on that track. 

I’m subscribed to all sorts of alert systems for cheap flights to far away lands. I even pay for one honestly. Yes I never buy any of them? I’ve realized I’ve paid for these things, not to actually travel there, but to fantasize about traveling there. It’s embarrassing really. But there’s always some bachelor party or out of state wedding that forces me to burn my time off. So I stick to pretending like I’m going to travel. 

I hate islands, they’re all the same. I like cool shit and weird traditions. I’ve written about strange festivals that I want to visit around the US in a blog here. My newest obsession is wanting to see the wackiest competitions around the world. Here’s my list of my top targets. 

6. International Cherry Pit Spitting 

There’s cherry pit spit competitions all around the world including US, Canada, Germany, Australia, and France. The competition is exactly that the title says it is. You try and spit a cherry pit as far as you can. It’s extremely competitive. There has even been a cheating scandal at the Witzenhausen competition where a contestant was manipulating his pits by surgically placing metal pellets inside. But no one takes it more serious than my man Rick “Pellet Gun” Krause, 19 time champion and Guinness World Record for furthest cherry spit. “You gotta definitely have good lung capacity, you gotta have your tongue muscles have to be strong enough to get a really good seal around the pit,”- Pellet Gun. I really just want to meet Rick. 

5. Toe Wrestling Championships

Go toe-to-toe with the best competitors of England from something straight out of Rex Ryan’s wet dreams. Intially born in Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn by a bunch of the lads who were trying to figure out something that England could dominate in. The sport is now trying to edge its way into the Olympics. Much like arm wrestling, the object of the match is to lock big toes with your opponent and pin their foot against the opposite plank. These fierce warriors have taken every measure from shaving their ass for better grip on the grass to surgically removing their toe nails for that extra edge. 

4. Buzkashi

Buzkashi is a popular sport in Central Asian that centers around throwing a headless goat into a raised concrete pit. It’s four on four with both teams on horseback. This shit is wild. They knock each other off of their horses, jump off horses with the goat head-first into the concrete pit, and fall off trying to pick up the ball(goat). The gameplay is so insane that the fact that them dragging around a headless goat isn’t even the craziest part. 

3. Air Sex Championships

 

I’m so Catholic in the bedroom that I would laugh so fucking hard watching these people pretend to have sex in front of a bunch of strangers. I get embarrassed to show how I have sex with the person I’m having sex with? I can’t imagine the stones you have to have to do this on a stage. The girl up top is going for the sneak attack reach around. Middle guy is doing what looks to be two in the stink, tongue in the pink, and moonwalk on the little man in the canoe. Look at the guy on the bottom! He’s got a purple dildo sticking out of his mouth! 

2. El Colacho (Baby Jumping)

What’re you doing that for? This competition takes place in Spain on the Feast of Corpus Christi. Which is weird, because like I said, Catholic school for fourteen years and I don’t ever remember seeing this in the Bible? Is this the Church’s alternate solution to abortion? Give the baby a chance and let Jack Be Nimble settle their fate? Just so many questions. Do you have to pay a premium to put your baby at the front part of the blanket? What happens if it rains? You HAVE to postpone it. What’s going on?

1. Cooper’s Hill Cheese Roll

This one is a bit more well known than the rest of the list. Every year in Gloucester, England a massive crowd of people watch these idiots sprint down a steep hill after a wheel of cheese. I love watching people eat shit, can’t get enough of it. These people do multiple fully extended flips mid air like those snowboard accident videos. I think the only thing you actually win is the cheese at the bottom of hill and a dislocated everything? 

One day. One day I’ll be able to go to all the ridiculous competitions and festivals I want. I just need to hit the lottery, get more pto, or people to stop getting married.