I’ve always resented people who say they love to travel, like it’s a part of who they are. Cause like no shit? Have you ever met someone who says “nah hate traveling actually”. Loads of people are just living for their next vacation. I’m on that track.
I’m subscribed to all sorts of alert systems for cheap flights to far away lands. I even pay for one honestly. Yes I never buy any of them? I’ve realized I’ve paid for these things, not to actually travel there, but to fantasize about traveling there. It’s embarrassing really. But there’s always some bachelor party or out of state wedding that forces me to burn my time off. So I stick to pretending like I’m going to travel.
I hate islands, they’re all the same. I like cool shit and weird traditions. I’ve written about strange festivals that I want to visit around the US in a blog here. My newest obsession is wanting to see the wackiest competitions around the world. Here’s my list of my top targets.
6. International Cherry Pit Spitting
There’s cherry pit spit competitions all around the world including US, Canada, Germany, Australia, and France. The competition is exactly that the title says it is. You try and spit a cherry pit as far as you can. It’s extremely competitive. There has even been a cheating scandal at the Witzenhausen competition where a contestant was manipulating his pits by surgically placing metal pellets inside. But no one takes it more serious than my man Rick “Pellet Gun” Krause, 19 time champion and Guinness World Record for furthest cherry spit. “You gotta definitely have good lung capacity, you gotta have your tongue muscles have to be strong enough to get a really good seal around the pit,”- Pellet Gun. I really just want to meet Rick.
5. Toe Wrestling Championships
Go toe-to-toe with the best competitors of England from something straight out of Rex Ryan’s wet dreams. Intially born in Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn by a bunch of the lads who were trying to figure out something that England could dominate in. The sport is now trying to edge its way into the Olympics. Much like arm wrestling, the object of the match is to lock big toes with your opponent and pin their foot against the opposite plank. These fierce warriors have taken every measure from shaving their ass for better grip on the grass to surgically removing their toe nails for that extra edge.
4. Buzkashi
Buzkashi is a popular sport in Central Asian that centers around throwing a headless goat into a raised concrete pit. It’s four on four with both teams on horseback. This shit is wild. They knock each other off of their horses, jump off horses with the goat head-first into the concrete pit, and fall off trying to pick up the ball(goat). The gameplay is so insane that the fact that them dragging around a headless goat isn’t even the craziest part.
3. Air Sex Championships
I’m so Catholic in the bedroom that I would laugh so fucking hard watching these people pretend to have sex in front of a bunch of strangers. I get embarrassed to show how I have sex with the person I’m having sex with? I can’t imagine the stones you have to have to do this on a stage. The girl up top is going for the sneak attack reach around. Middle guy is doing what looks to be two in the stink, tongue in the pink, and moonwalk on the little man in the canoe. Look at the guy on the bottom! He’s got a purple dildo sticking out of his mouth!
2. El Colacho (Baby Jumping)
What’re you doing that for? This competition takes place in Spain on the Feast of Corpus Christi. Which is weird, because like I said, Catholic school for fourteen years and I don’t ever remember seeing this in the Bible? Is this the Church’s alternate solution to abortion? Give the baby a chance and let Jack Be Nimble settle their fate? Just so many questions. Do you have to pay a premium to put your baby at the front part of the blanket? What happens if it rains? You HAVE to postpone it. What’s going on?
1. Cooper’s Hill Cheese Roll
This one is a bit more well known than the rest of the list. Every year in Gloucester, England a massive crowd of people watch these idiots sprint down a steep hill after a wheel of cheese. I love watching people eat shit, can’t get enough of it. These people do multiple fully extended flips mid air like those snowboard accident videos. I think the only thing you actually win is the cheese at the bottom of hill and a dislocated everything?
One day. One day I’ll be able to go to all the ridiculous competitions and festivals I want. I just need to hit the lottery, get more pto, or people to stop getting married.
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