The Matrix for me was one of those franchises that I pretended to love as a kid without knowing what the hell was actually going on. All I knew was Neo was running on walls and dodging bullets in slow-mo and that shit was cool. The plot was completely lost on me, I was six when the first movie came out.
Spoilers obviously, idiot.
When I watched in my teenage years I loved it. Ultimately understanding there are three factions at war. The remaining humans fighting for survival, the AI robots clinging onto to their oppressive regime, and rogue programs fleeing deletion looking out for their own interests any where they can get it inside the Matrix. I was too enamored with my new found comprehension that it never occurred to me to question anything.
But I’m in my late twenties now. So I’m an arrogant snob who’s watched too many shows and read too many books to the point that I can only enjoy them if I pick apart everything that’s wrong. Watching the trilogy in preparation for the fourth installment left me with a list of gripes. Because I’m smarter than everyone, especially the creators themselves.
4. The Robots Were Pretty Fair
Without a doubt, the sentients are far superior in every possible way than the human race. Then humans have the gall to be like “actually we’re going to fight you to the death.” Like imagine if tomorrow penguins decided to say, you know what, Earth is our planet, we’re sick of the humans and we’re going to try and kill every one of you. How would you react? I’d tell the penguins, “Listen here you little shits, I could punt every fucking penguin into oblivion if I want to. Know your place.” But the sentients didn’t do that. Not completely anyway. Sure they need us for human batteries, but creating the Matrix where you could still live a normal life was a pretty nice gesture if you ask me.
3. Neo Using His Superpowers Outside Of The Matrix
Ok so inside the Matrix, everything is a simulation. If you can fully accept that, you can begin to bend the faux-reality to your will. No problem there. But at the end of the second movie and the entire third movie, Neo is essentially Superman in the real world with little to no explanation. Just because he had a conversation with The Architect he can now immobilize and crush sentients with his mind and see with no eyeballs. Even Superman has an origin story explaining his powers. You can’t just be like oh yeah I don’t know he can just do that now.
2. The Zionists Were Shitty And Selfish People
I get that they had to fight off the sentients to survive and that that constant fear made defeating them their sole purpose for existing, but they had zero foresight. What was their end game? Justifying the liberation of the pod humans inside the Matrix is nothing short of cruel. Apparently the saying “ignorance is bliss” has been eradicated from human language in the year 2199. Imagine working your ass off in the Matrix, coming up from nothing and becoming a successful millionaire. You live in a mansion, fine dining, endless entertainment and partying. Just to have some shitass dressed in rags wake you up naked, hairless, and cold in red goo telling you you’re free now. Oh and by the way we can’t go above ground because everything is destroyed, there’s no sun, we eat maggot porridge, we shake hands with the devil living at the center of the Earth for warmth, nothing you knew is real, and you’re now penniless and useless in a society you know nothing about, you’re welcome. Fuck right off. Give me a blue pill and put that thing right back in my skull.
1. Keanu Reeves Being 35 Years Old While Filming The First Movie
He just isn’t. 22 max.
Although I talked a whole lot of shit, I’m really excited to watch Resurrections. This movie looks like it takes place almost entirely inside the Matrix which is the strongest element of the franchise. Doesn’t matter to me if they add more issues to my list. I’m a nostalgia slut and I don’t care who knows it.
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