When most people picture the lives of Ancient Greek philosophers, it’s a bit stuffy. It’s all white marble, political discourse, professional rhetoric, and dudes in togas. But there was one man, quite possibly the most brilliant of them all, who said fuck all this and went the complete opposite way.
Diogenes of Sinope was the cornerstone of the school of Cynicism. Extreme Cynicsim. Diogenes believed that we had gone too far in building societal norms and reverted back to his most natural self. Much like the well known Thoreau at his little pond. But Thoreau was a pussy compared to Diogenes. His goal was to relieve himself of all guilt, shame, and peer judgement through total self acceptance. To achieve true happiness in his eyes, he adopted the most idgaf lifestyle ever recorded.
To prove his commitment to his Cynical philosophy, Diogenes abandonded his lavish lifestyle to live on the streets. His only wordly possession was a water bowl which he threw away when he saw a child drinking from cupped hands and famously said “What the fuck do I need this thing for.” He would beg for food, live in an oversized ceramic wine jar, and shit and piss whenever and wherever he felt the need.
His most famous shit was in the middle of a theater. Although he was essentially a crazy hobo, Diogenes often found himself with a foot in both worlds. He was born to an influential father and knew the ways of the elites of Greece. Plus his intellect kept him in circles that he otherwise should have been shunned from. For example, one time a rich man invited Diogenes into his home and instructed him not to spit on the floor. So Diogenes spit in his face claiming it was the dirtiest place in the house.
Diogenes didn’t have the ego of the other philosophers of his time. While his contemporaries were building schools to download their bullshit into new crops of students, Diogenes taught through actions and stunts. He was often seen carrying a latern at night and putting it in the face of passerby’s claiming he was looking for “an honest man in Greece.”
Most didn’t agree with his methods, most notably Plato. Diogenes fucking hated Plato. He trolled him at every turn. Diogenes believed Plato to be an egomaniac who perverted the teachings of Socrates. Plato regarded Diogenes as a “Socrates gone mad.” It was popularized during this time to define man in the simplest form possible. Plato was praised for defining man as “featherless bipeds.” So Diogenes plucked a chicken and nailed it to Plato’s Academy exclaiming “Behold! Plato’s man!”
His feud with Plato wasn’t his only interaction with one of the most recognizable names in your history books. Undoubtedly, my favorite Diogenes story involves Alexander The Great. Alexander was visiting Corinth where Diogenes lived and was greeted by all sorts of statesman and philosophers. Alexander had hoped to see Diogenes since he had previously turned down his invitation to meet. When Diogenes no showed Alexander’s arrival, the King of Macedonia sought out the homeless philosopher in the streets. He found Diogenes sun bathing and told him that he wanted to grant him any wish that he desires. Alexander was flexing his power while showing respect to Diogenes. In front of the massive crowd of people Diogenes responded “I wish you would stand out of my sun.” People were killed for far less. Diogenes basically told the most powerful man to ever live to go fuck himself. His guards waited for a command as Alexander walked away but instead he said “Surely if I was not Alexander, I would wish to be Diogenes.”
Diogenes was eventually kidnapped by pirates who intended to sell him as a slave. While on the ship he and the other slaves were treated to harsh conditions and little food. Diogenes argued with the pirates that before you sell a pig you fatten them up. They were fed handsomely thereafter. He then made a mockery out of his own auction, swaying the crowd to his favor. When asked what his strengths were, Diogenes replied, “ruling men” and pointed to a man named Xeniades shouting, “Sell me to this man! He needs a master!” And Xeniades bought him to tutor his sons. Despite many friends trying to buy his freedom, Diogenes rejected the offers and lived most of the rest of his life with Xeniades and his family.
There are many theories on the death of Diogenes. Because it is believed many of his teachings and writings were destroyed for being too controversial, we rely heavily on the secondhand accounts of his life. It is widely agreed upon that he lived to the age of about 90. My favorite story of his death is that he one day decided to simply hold his breath until he died.
So while your at work this week, thinking about how much you hate it, consider Diogenes. None of these things we do is real. It’s all fabricated social norms we constructed to pass the time until we die. Be Diogenes where it permits, just don’t shit and masturbate in public.
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