Farts Will Always Be Funny

I’d go as far as saying everyone alive has a funny fart story. It’s impolite to fart in public and almost equally as rude to acknowledge them. Laughing when you’re not supposed to is the hardest laughter to suppress. So when someone lets it fly in an environment they’re not supposed to it makes for a good memory. 

Thanks to Camilla Parker Bowles, the future Queen of England, or Royal Consort or whatever, farting is back in the news cycle. If The Crown is to be believed, Camilla has a knack for upper-echelon gossip. Her juiciest topic of late being a presidential two-cheek squeak. 

“It was long and loud and impossible to ignore”

Joe Biden farting during Scotland’s Climate Change Conference in front of the world’s leaders and elites is impossibly funny. Just picture the petitions and powerpoints on methane emissions as the most powerful man in the world releases his own methane from the third row. Our species at stake, on the topic of global doom, and Joe’s ripping freedom right in Camilla’s face. I like to picture his facial expression being unchanged as he farted. He’s 79 years old, how do you not laugh?

It’s the seriousness of the context that makes it stick the landing. My Dad farted once in the front row of Tarzan on Broadway and I couldn’t contain myself. But the hardest I ever laughed at a fart was at a funeral. I worked at a family-owned restaurant for ten years and one of the waitresses passed away unexpectedly. We were devastated. My work friends and I found ourselves sitting behind a regular who was famous for falling asleep in the restaurant. He farted in the middle of the memorial ceremony on the hardwood pew of the church. That thing had personality, it rumbled. We put our heads down and laughed for so long that coworkers came up to rub our backs thinking we were crying. In fairness there were tears. 

I can’t even blame Joe, I myself have Scotland related farting story. My Great Aunt was coming to our little New Jersey town from Glasgow when I was about 12. My mom lost her mind. It’s her godmother, they were a proper affluential family since my Great Uncle was a Judge in Scotland’s capital. My mom legit had us running etiquette lessons in the house. We had warnings on words we could and couldn’t say. My little brother and I were going to being separated for the entire meeting. So when we went to my grandparents for the grand introduction, I gave my Great Aunt Patsy a big hug and let out a noisy rumbler right in her arms. My dad’s and brother’s laughter did not help my case. My mother dragged me into the bathroom, ignoring my pleas. She put soap right in my mouth. Liquid soap too. She threw every threat she had at me with steam coming out of her ears. When we walked out my Aunt Patsy was still laughing. 

So Biden did a little toots? Lighten up Camilla, adulterer. There’s no chance he can control his own flatulence at this point. Tread lightly with your insinuations, because I’d wager her Majesty can’t either. And there’s nothing wrong with that, honestly it’s probably even funnier.