*Editor’s note: I was unaware of the “Worst Mothers In Cinematic History” blog by Dante before writing this. Normally I actively try to avoid replicating similar blogs.
Happy Mother’s Day y’all. Or as my local lunatic florist, Dutchie, likes to put on his sign, “Happy Hot Moms Day”. Crazy ass Dutchie aside, today is a good reminder to appreciate the women who work tirelessly only for us to turn out basically mediocre. If we could only be the people our moms think we are, the world would be a better place.
While your mom might have made you soup when you were sick, showed up to all your basketball games, and cleaned up after you, some of our most beloved television heroes may have not had the same opportunities. So here’s remembering the shittiest moms in TV.
10. Rachel Greene, Friends.
During her pregnancy, Rachel kept forgetting about the child growing in her stomach. As her friends discover her positive pregnancy test in the garbage, Rachel continuously drinks champagne at Monica’s wedding. Thankfully, she gave birth to a healthy girl despite her hellbent dice roll on FAS. But as Rachel’s daughter Emma is meeting her father Ross for the very first time, she decides to accept a proposal from her baby daddy’s best friend in the delivery room. Ready to accept a very awkward family dynamic for her child right off the bat. It’s possible that we can chalk those instances up to hormones, sure. Except, when Rachel finally decides to have her first date night since the birth of her baby, what does she do? Oh that’s right, locked herself out of the apartment with her infant daughter inside.
9. Dr. Jean Millburn, Sex Education.
Having a therapist as a mom would be tough. Non stop paranoia that you’re being analyzed. Having a sex therapist mom would be a nightmare. Maybe it’s healthier to be more open about sex in a family setting, but I’ll take a hard pass. Jean condemns Otis to a carousel of nonchalant lovers who repeatedly mistake his bedroom for the bathroom while half-naked. Breakfast doesn’t make things any easier. She’s overprotective and even follows her son to a high school party where she gets caught by his classmates. She smokes weed with the school bully. Secretly tries to write a book on Otis’ puberty experience. And the kicker, her son is clearly lacking in the women department. So what does Jean do when he does finally get a girlfriend? She dates the father of said girlfriend.
8. Delia Ketchum, Pokémon.
It’s not easy being a single mother. They have so many responsibilities to handle on their own. Constant around the clock care. Unless you’re Delia Ketchum who shoo’d her son out the door at only ten years old.
Ash: “Hey mom can I go play outside?”
Delia: “What will you be doing?”
Ash: “Trying to capture and fight murderous monsters with mystical powers.”
Delia: “…And where will you be doing this?”
Ash: “Literally the entire globe. I don’t plan on coming home.”
Delia: “Make sure you pack clean underwear!”
Wtf is wrong with this woman? She should have immediately been reported to Child Services for neglect and endangerment. Delia was a better mother to Mr. Mime than she ever was to Ash.
7. Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development.
The type of alcoholism that would make Winston Churchill blush. Lucille had a unique relationship with each of her children, each of which were shit. She hated Gob and took every chance she had to remind him that he was an idiot. She constantly insulted Lindsay’s body image, undermined her marriage, and kept her adoption a secret. She was emotionally manipulative and even set up Michael in a fake car accident. Then there’s Buster. Her product of a love affair with her husband’s twin brother. More a slave/assistant than a son, Buster waited on his mother hand and foot and was rewarded with the likes of the Motherboy contest and being signed up for the army where he subsequently lost his arm.
6. Wanda Maximoff, Wandavision.
Wanda gave births to twins that don’t even exist. Talk about an identity crisis. But atleast she had the wherewithal to raise her children in a good neighborhood. By, ya know, enslaving an entire community and turning them into mindless zombies. Hundreds of families were robbed of raising their children just so Wanda could play house. Then there’s the whole murderous psychopath tendencies, but we won’t spoil the new Dr. Strange movie. Wanda’s sons will never be able to live up to her expectations. Due to like, not being alive and all.
5. Carrie Mathison, Homeland. 
You would think that having a bipolar disorder and being a badass CIA special agent would get you some kind of a pass. But there has to be a line. Running away from your responsibilities and blackmailing your way to Pakistan to get away from your daughter is one thing. But contemplating drowning her is two million steps over the line. Carrie’s love you/hate you with Brody didn’t stop after his death, but transferred to wherever he still had DNA. Carrie not only told her daughter Frannie that she can’t remember why she had her, she also almost hit her with a car, and gave her a brain dead killing machine roommate who’s lease ended when he got in a paranoid shootout with the authorities with Frannie in the house. Despite all that, Carrie decided the best life for her daughter was by her side. A custody battle ensued for Frannie between Carrie and her stable sister Maggie. It wasn’t the courtroom testimony of her daughter crying herself to sleep or nearly going mute that convinced Carrie to give it up, but rather a phone call from Saul to get back to work. Last episode *SPOILER*, the show ends with Carrie assumingly never able to see her daughter again now that she’s taken on the life as a Russian mole in Moscow.
4. Gemma Teller Morrow, Sons Of Anarchy.
Sons of Anarchy fans love pretending their smart by making the Shakespearean comparison of Hamlet to Sons. But they tend to forget Oedipus. Gemma would see red any time Jax showed even the tiniest bit of a love interest. To the point where she forced a relapse with her son’s baby mother. Gemma also murdered her son’s father and any chance at a normal life. Most mothers would shy away from their child being the head of a motorcycle gang, but Gemma bred her boy for it. Once her son accumulated that power, she wielded him to her bidding. Used him as a threat. And still consistently got her ass beat. But she handed out some beatings herself. Like the time she was incorrectly convinced that the love of her son’s life was a federal informant. So Gemma stabbed her daughter-in-law repeatedly in the back of the head and left her dead in a sink. One of the most brutal on-screen deaths that still makes my skull itch just thinking about it. When Jax figured out everything his mother had done, he went to kill her. Unable to bring himself to do it, Gemma manipulated her son one last time and convinced Jax to commit matricide.
3. Livia Soprano, The Sopranos.
Everything about Livia was the worst. Her face, her attitude, her voice, her existence. There’s being a bad mother and then there is centering your life around around destroying your son’s life. These weren’t crimes of the subconscious, Livia was actively hating her son. When Tony decided to put her in a nursing home, Livia decided to tell Uncle Junior that he was seeing a shrink knowing that it would force Junior to take him out. She put a hit on her own son. When that didn’t work, she told Artie Bucco that it was Tony that burnt down Vesuvio’s in hopes that it enraged Artie to the point of murdering Tony. Livia Soprano was a loveless succubus who’s only excuse for staying alive was to hate. But is Tony Tony if Livia wasn’t Livia?
2. Linda Stotch, South Park.
When it comes to bad South Park mothers the first thought is generally Liane Cartman. Unable to control her spoiled psychopath son and unsure who his father is due to her promiscuous lifestyle. But she’s obliviously sweet and undeniably caring with Eric. Liane doesn’t sniff Linda Stotch. Linda is addicted to grounding her son Butters. While disciplining your child doesn’t make you a bad mother, pimping Butters out to Paris Hilton for 250 million dollars where he eventually escapes near death and then punishing him for getting away certainly qualifies. Or there was the time the boys convinced Butters to fake his suicide so he could go to school dressed as a girl and infiltrate the girls’ sleepover. When Butters stood at the top of the building, his parents told him they would only ground him for a couple of weeks if he came down. When a pig carcass dressed as Butters was thrown off the roof, the Stotchs were admittedly devasted by their son’s supposed death. So much so that they decided to perform a ritual to resurrect him. When Butters returned home alive and well, since he didn’t actually kill himself, Linda Stotch chains Butters up in the basement believing him to be a zombie. If all that isn’t enough, Linda met her breaking point when Butters accidentally reveals his father had been visiting a gay bathhouse. Left deranged by the discovery, Linda decides to kill herself and murder Butters so he doesn’t have to “be raised by a pervert”. She drives a naïve Butters to a river and instructs him not to unbuckle his seatbelt or get out as she leaves and puts the car in neutral. Butters believes the whole thing to be an accident as the car is still filling up with water. Back home, Linda’s suicide note is interrupted by her husband who convinces her that he still loves her and persuaded Linda not to commit suicide. Still believing she murdered Butters, Linda and her husband tell the media their son was kidnapped by “some Puerto Rican guy.”
1. Cersei Lannister, Game Of Thrones.
How anyone could think otherwise is beyond me. All of her children are dead. All three, three separate incidents. You can’t fail more than that. Cersei’s paranoia and lust for power led to all of her children’s downfall. Joffrey was poisoned at his own wedding and Cersei had sex on his corpse before it even turned cold. Myrcella was poisoned leaving Dorne. Then after shame walking through the streets naked, Cersei decided to burn Tommen’s wife-to-be at the altar. Tommen, clearly stricken with grief, walks out of his castle window cool as a cucumber. None of Cersei’s ambitions were for her children no matter how many times she said it out loud. Cersei was out for Cersei and that was made clear when she had her youngest child’s body burned post-mortem and spread over the ashes of the Sept with the rest of her enemies. Oh, and all of her children were born out of an incestuous relationship with her brother Jamie.
And you thought you had it bad when your mom made you start doing your own laundry. Be thankful you don’t have a mother like the ladies listed above. Or maybe you do, in which case, tough break pal. But as for the rest of you, get the damn flowers and actually write something in the card.
You would think that having a bipolar disorder and being a badass CIA special agent would get you some kind of a pass. But there has to be a line. Running away from your responsibilities and blackmailing your way to Pakistan to get away from your daughter is one thing. But contemplating drowning her is two million steps over the line. Carrie’s love you/hate you with Brody didn’t stop after his death, but transferred to wherever he still had DNA. Carrie not only told her daughter Frannie that she can’t remember why she had her, she also almost hit her with a car, and gave her a brain dead killing machine roommate who’s lease ended when he got in a paranoid shootout with the authorities with Frannie in the house. Despite all that, Carrie decided the best life for her daughter was by her side. A custody battle ensued for Frannie between Carrie and her stable sister Maggie. It wasn’t the courtroom testimony of her daughter crying herself to sleep or nearly going mute that convinced Carrie to give it up, but rather a phone call from Saul to get back to work. Last episode *SPOILER*, the show ends with Carrie assumingly never able to see her daughter again now that she’s taken on the life as a Russian mole in Moscow.
4. Gemma Teller Morrow, Sons Of Anarchy.
Sons of Anarchy fans love pretending their smart by making the Shakespearean comparison of Hamlet to Sons. But they tend to forget Oedipus. Gemma would see red any time Jax showed even the tiniest bit of a love interest. To the point where she forced a relapse with her son’s baby mother. Gemma also murdered her son’s father and any chance at a normal life. Most mothers would shy away from their child being the head of a motorcycle gang, but Gemma bred her boy for it. Once her son accumulated that power, she wielded him to her bidding. Used him as a threat. And still consistently got her ass beat. But she handed out some beatings herself. Like the time she was incorrectly convinced that the love of her son’s life was a federal informant. So Gemma stabbed her daughter-in-law repeatedly in the back of the head and left her dead in a sink. One of the most brutal on-screen deaths that still makes my skull itch just thinking about it. When Jax figured out everything his mother had done, he went to kill her. Unable to bring himself to do it, Gemma manipulated her son one last time and convinced Jax to commit matricide.
3. Livia Soprano, The Sopranos.
Everything about Livia was the worst. Her face, her attitude, her voice, her existence. There’s being a bad mother and then there is centering your life around around destroying your son’s life. These weren’t crimes of the subconscious, Livia was actively hating her son. When Tony decided to put her in a nursing home, Livia decided to tell Uncle Junior that he was seeing a shrink knowing that it would force Junior to take him out. She put a hit on her own son. When that didn’t work, she told Artie Bucco that it was Tony that burnt down Vesuvio’s in hopes that it enraged Artie to the point of murdering Tony. Livia Soprano was a loveless succubus who’s only excuse for staying alive was to hate. But is Tony Tony if Livia wasn’t Livia?
2. Linda Stotch, South Park.
When it comes to bad South Park mothers the first thought is generally Liane Cartman. Unable to control her spoiled psychopath son and unsure who his father is due to her promiscuous lifestyle. But she’s obliviously sweet and undeniably caring with Eric. Liane doesn’t sniff Linda Stotch. Linda is addicted to grounding her son Butters. While disciplining your child doesn’t make you a bad mother, pimping Butters out to Paris Hilton for 250 million dollars where he eventually escapes near death and then punishing him for getting away certainly qualifies. Or there was the time the boys convinced Butters to fake his suicide so he could go to school dressed as a girl and infiltrate the girls’ sleepover. When Butters stood at the top of the building, his parents told him they would only ground him for a couple of weeks if he came down. When a pig carcass dressed as Butters was thrown off the roof, the Stotchs were admittedly devasted by their son’s supposed death. So much so that they decided to perform a ritual to resurrect him. When Butters returned home alive and well, since he didn’t actually kill himself, Linda Stotch chains Butters up in the basement believing him to be a zombie. If all that isn’t enough, Linda met her breaking point when Butters accidentally reveals his father had been visiting a gay bathhouse. Left deranged by the discovery, Linda decides to kill herself and murder Butters so he doesn’t have to “be raised by a pervert”. She drives a naïve Butters to a river and instructs him not to unbuckle his seatbelt or get out as she leaves and puts the car in neutral. Butters believes the whole thing to be an accident as the car is still filling up with water. Back home, Linda’s suicide note is interrupted by her husband who convinces her that he still loves her and persuaded Linda not to commit suicide. Still believing she murdered Butters, Linda and her husband tell the media their son was kidnapped by “some Puerto Rican guy.”
1. Cersei Lannister, Game Of Thrones.
How anyone could think otherwise is beyond me. All of her children are dead. All three, three separate incidents. You can’t fail more than that. Cersei’s paranoia and lust for power led to all of her children’s downfall. Joffrey was poisoned at his own wedding and Cersei had sex on his corpse before it even turned cold. Myrcella was poisoned leaving Dorne. Then after shame walking through the streets naked, Cersei decided to burn Tommen’s wife-to-be at the altar. Tommen, clearly stricken with grief, walks out of his castle window cool as a cucumber. None of Cersei’s ambitions were for her children no matter how many times she said it out loud. Cersei was out for Cersei and that was made clear when she had her youngest child’s body burned post-mortem and spread over the ashes of the Sept with the rest of her enemies. Oh, and all of her children were born out of an incestuous relationship with her brother Jamie.
And you thought you had it bad when your mom made you start doing your own laundry. Be thankful you don’t have a mother like the ladies listed above. Or maybe you do, in which case, tough break pal. But as for the rest of you, get the damn flowers and actually write something in the card.
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