Charles Barkley is the last of a dying breed. A comedian’s mind in a NBA forward’s body who isn’t afraid to say whatever comes to his head. Honestly, I’m not even confident he’s capable of stopping what comes out of his mouth. Prior to the game three of the Mavs/Warriors playoff series, Charles showed up on horseback that prompted a Twitter thread with some of his best moments. I went through this for hours and I encourage you to do the same. But if you don’t have the time for that, here’s some of my favorites.
The original thread:
Charles Wages War On Women
Men have been playfully arguing the pain of child berth since the dawn of time. But most of the time we compare it to men’s flu or getting kicked in the nuts. Chuck on live television, had the stones to say “women be milkin’ that baby thing”. Saying that it can’t be as bad as playing a basketball game with a sprained ankle. We get a classic taste of Ernie trying to reel Charles in only for him to double down and say you never buy a woman a watch because there’s a clock on the stove.
Charles Clapping Back At Fans
Most celebrities ignore thecriticism thrown their way on social media. Not Charles. When TNT aired a Tweet from a fan who said “Charles would pick Krispy Kreme donuts for the first pick” Chuck did not take it lying down. He demanded that the network not cut to a commercial break until they showed the profile picture of the fan saying, “Look at your fatass too!”
Charles Bashes The Suns
Barkley is one of the most beloved Suns of all time despite only playing for the franchise for four seasons. They had some of their highest win totals with Chuck while he appeared in four All-Star games and won an MVP. Charles started on about how the fans don’t deserve their current situation. Then went on a rant that included insults like the popcorn being stale, flat soda, denying invites to games, breaking your teeth on the pretzels, the cheerleaders being ugly now, cold cheese with your nachos, but at least there’s plenty of parking. Ernie, God bless him, tried give the Suns an excuse saying their top three scorers are injured to which Chuck responded, “They were no good when they had em.”
Jonas Valanciunas Pronunciation Undefeated Against Chuck
It’s no secret that Charles struggles with pronunciation. Even Russell Westbrook gives him a run for his money. As an Alabama native, he sometimes gets that southern marble mouth that makes long names and repeated consonants a nightmare. But when he first pronounced Valanciunas as Vas-oh-eeh-awl-sauce he seemed to be speaking Martian. You can tell he even practiced towards the end too, but the poor soul could never quite get it right.
Charles’ Record Speed Quips
Just so quick with it. When Kenny said “Hakeem Olajuwon used to this to me all the time…” Charles didn’t miss a beat saying “Kenny bring me some water.” Or the time Shaq was explaining he’s offended when people mistake his identity and Ernie asked who they could possibly mistake him for. Charles had the entire TNT crew howling when he slipped in a “Shrek”.
Charles’ Poor Choice Of Words
When nearly everything you say goes viral on Twitter, you need to be careful how you word things. Charles’ lack of a filter is a double edged sword. He often finds himself getting roasted by Shaq fo saying things like “He’s just bangin and bangin and bangin…When a guy’s bangin you…”, transitioning with “Speaking of cumming..”, saying Kenny once gave him a vibrator, or while talking about Klay Thompson’s shooting saying “That boy can really stroke it right there. Ima take him to Target.”
Charles Forgets How To Count
Charles wasn’t sure how to count to two while cutting a promo. After saying “I’ve got two words for ya…” Charles went on to give the viewer eight more words: “Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV.” The icing on the cake was his two word redemption that turned out to be “Nash and Paul”, scolding the rest of the crew for counting “and” as a word.
Chuck Vs. San Antonio Women
“But they do got some big ol’ women down there.” When you think of Charles Barkley controversies, his long time rivalry with the lovely women of San Antonio probably comes first in your mind. Saying it’s a gold mine for weight watchers, “Victoria definitely a secret down there,” and attributing their weight to “whoofin’ them churros down.” But as a man of integrity, Chuck did apologize to the women when he tried a churro for the first time.
Charles Is Afraid Of Stuffed Bunnieshttps://twitter.com/itsalwayscraig/status/1528956981221941250?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Video speaks for itself. Like Ernie would throw(!) a live rabbit at Chuck on television. Pure fear the second they lock eyes. Then the way that he keeps squeezing it just to confirm that it’s not going to come alive in his hands is comedy at it’s purest form.
Charles Creating Hilarious Race Tensionshttps://twitter.com/camthomasbetta/status/1528950869898706945?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/lucaszobel/status/1529182426970439681?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/thejakechristie/status/1528886090886569987?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Chuck has the ability to go there, make everyone uncomfortable, and come out unscathed because he nails the joke every time. Whether he’s telling Sammy Sosa he won’t get in the HOF by becoming white, suggesting Ernie was absent because he was storming the Capitol, or saying during the Pistons/Mavs game in Mexico that people in Detroit are hoping they’ll build a wall so the Pistons can’t get home, Chuck lands it every time. It’s just something no one else would even consider touching any more. You can feel Ernie squirming through the screen when Charles says Abraham Lincoln is his favorite president because, “If it weren’t for him, we’d be calling Ernie boss.”
Charles’ Diaper Change Competitionhttps://twitter.com/xx_2pacaveli_xx/status/1528950467690123264?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Video speaks for itself. Like Ernie would throw(!) a live rabbit at Chuck on television. Pure fear the second they lock eyes. Then the way that he keeps squeezing it just to confirm that it’s not going to come alive in his hands is comedy at it’s purest form.
Charles Creating Hilarious Race Tensionshttps://twitter.com/camthomasbetta/status/1528950869898706945?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/lucaszobel/status/1529182426970439681?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/thejakechristie/status/1528886090886569987?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Chuck has the ability to go there, make everyone uncomfortable, and come out unscathed because he nails the joke every time. Whether he’s telling Sammy Sosa he won’t get in the HOF by becoming white, suggesting Ernie was absent because he was storming the Capitol, or saying during the Pistons/Mavs game in Mexico that people in Detroit are hoping they’ll build a wall so the Pistons can’t get home, Chuck lands it every time. It’s just something no one else would even consider touching any more. You can feel Ernie squirming through the screen when Charles says Abraham Lincoln is his favorite president because, “If it weren’t for him, we’d be calling Ernie boss.”
Charles’ Diaper Change Competitionhttps://twitter.com/xx_2pacaveli_xx/status/1528950467690123264?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
It’s what makes the show so perfect. This has nothing to do with basketball and everything to do with friends trying to one-up each other. And it created an all-time moment. While competing against Kenny in a diaper change race, the crew decided to heat up a chocolate bar to put in the doll’s diaper. The shock of seeing it literally stumbled Charles. This man is not an actor, that was genuine belief that a fake baby had shit to the point where his reality was shaken to it’s core and he almost passed out. I didn’t put these in any particular order, but I did save this one for last because it hurt my jaw at how hard I laughed at this. The seriousness in his tone when he tells Shaq, “Shaq…I feinted. I feinted for a second. It was the weirdest thing. Shaq, I feinted for a second it was crazy. It’s like someone hit me with a right cross and staggered me and I don’t even know how I kept standing up to be honest with you,” is enough evidence that Charles Barkley isn’t a real person.
I have my theories on how Chuck gets away with everything. In a world full of cancels, Charles Barkley points down and laughs at us from his impenetrable ivory tower. I’ve narrowed it down to two main components. One, Shaq’s suppressed laughter at the jokes makes people too happy to ever be offended. And two, Charles is a giggler. No matter how controversial, how turribull, something he says is, it’s impossible to be mad at someone when they deliver it with a giggle.
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