Jersey Beach Bars Survival Guide: Vol. 1 D’Jais

There comes a time in every New Jersey native’s life when they realize they’re too old for D’Jais. I’d say that age is 22. 

If you’re not from the area and want the MTV experience of what you believe the Jersey Shore is, D’Jais is your spot. Loud incessant music, impossibly dark tans, hair gel that defy physics, and enough fist pumping to set your biceps up for the entire summer. 

If Jersey Shore was cast in 2022, they’d stay in Belmar. Bamboo and Karma are dead, D’Jais is the last man standing. But it’s all the same clientele. Greasy New Yorkers in cutoffs and obnoxious rich Jersey kids who tell people their father is in the mafia. 

This bar is prime real estate for people who hook up without needing conversation. Which hey, not a bad thing. But even if you need to tell your friend something you’ll need to text them or go for a cigarette break outside to escape the bass and constant air horns. 

Getting off the dance floor is no easy task. It attacks 4/5 senses. We’ve already established you can’t hear. But garbage cans appear to be in antiquated notion in D’Jais. Every inch of the floor is a graveyard of beer cans, plastic cups, ice cubes, straws, and liquids that never made it to peoples’ mouths. Don’t wear shoes you’re fond of. If you don’t trip and fall rendering yourself unconscious, it’s entirely possible that you’re knocked out by the cloud of seemingly the entire Macy’s cologne department. And you’re taking this all on blind. If the strobe lights don’t get you, wait five seconds for a napkin tornado to steal your vision. 

But they’re no dummies at D’Jais. You’ll hear the end of their motto, “gotta be shaking that ass” more times than you can count. To their credit, there will be a whole lot of ass shakin’. Every where you turn. The bar, the dance floor, the bathroom, the stage. That stage has seen more ass than a proctologist. But men beware. Bouncers are praying you get on that stage so they can audition their best Ray Lewis impression. 

But half-naked girls shakin’ their ass comes at a cost, and D’Jais’ price is that every single guy in there will want to fight you. You can see it in their teeth. Maybe it’s their little chain is cutting off circulation. Maybe the backwards snapback set to the last notch is cutting off oxygen to their brain. Whatever the case may be, every guy is thrown into a secret Cold War the second they pay that cover charge - and everyone’s hand is shakily hovering the nuke button. 

Believe it or not, I have enjoyed myself at D’Jais. On Sundays when all the annoying people have gone home. All the people left are there to party. The lost causes who have postponed their responsibilities or abandoned them completely. D’Jais Sunday Fundays are filled with dance contests, t-shirt giveaways, theme parties, other silly games, and a whole lot of alcohol consumption. 

It’s possible I’ve just outgrown it, sure. But it’s also kind of a running joke in the area that if you’re over 26 and still going to D’Jais you should probably be on some kind of watch list. As much as I shit on D’Jais it’s an essential part of the experience. So break out your 90’s hip hop tee, buy a pair of ripped jeans, and ask your uncle to borrow his chain… for the culture. Because the best part of D’Jais is that in a sea full of dickheads, you’re free to play the dickhead. Morals, standards, and manners be damned, you’re going to Jersey Shore BITCH!!

Popular Singapore Beer Made With Sewage Water

If you want to take a peak into the future where humanity takes drastic measures to combat water shortages, look no further than Singapore. The city-state rolled out it’s most recent line of NewBrew, comprised mainly of NeWater. Filtered water made by the people of Singapore themselves. Dookie and pee pee water. 

I immediately thought this was a product of some edgy hippie brewery. There’s two types of brewery workers. The kind that’s why too enthusiastic to explain their beer to the point where you’re like “alright calm down it’s still just beer”. Or the kind who looks disgusted that you’ve found their business. If you ask the latter a question they’ll make you feel like you’re wasting their time and don’t belong. I could see either one of these characters begging me or shaming me into trying PooBrew. 

But nope. No girl covered in tats or white dudes in thick frames and long beanies trying to sell you this IPA in front of a commissioned graffiti wall. Just Singapore. They’ve got a blonde brew, no shit. I’m assuming it’s to promote the safety of Singapore’s NeWater, which has been in circulation for nearly twenty years in response to their water shortage. With collected rainwater and imported Malaysian water only meeting 50% of their needs, the city-state started putting its sewage water through rigorous filtering to provide another outlet of safe drinking water. 

I applaud their effort, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. All these chic beers love using bragging terminology like “smells like” and “a hint of”. Can’t take that gamble. Not yet. Besides shit obviously, what’s the worst pee smell you could get a whiff of off your beer? Asparagus? Coffee? I swear when I was younger and ate Spaghettios Meatballs my piss would smell just like the Campbell’s can. 

But the customers in the video seemed to like it. The American customers too. You know, similar pallets and all. Good, gives me hope. Good to know in the future when everything literally goes to shit, we’ll still be able to throw back a couple cold ones. Nice to know our priorities are sorted. 

The Charles Barkley Thread To Cure Your Soul

Charles Barkley is the last of a dying breed. A comedian’s mind in a NBA forward’s body who isn’t afraid to say whatever comes to his head. Honestly, I’m not even confident he’s capable of stopping what comes out of his mouth. Prior to the game three of the Mavs/Warriors playoff series, Charles showed up on horseback that prompted a Twitter thread with some of his best moments. I went through this for hours and I encourage you to do the same. But if you don’t have the time for that, here’s some of my favorites. 

The original thread: 

https://twitter.com/jwimys/status/1528491334570582016?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

Charles Wages War On Women

https://twitter.com/xbanly/status/1528946780511027200?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

Men have been playfully arguing the pain of child berth since the dawn of time. But most of the time we compare it to men’s flu or getting kicked in the nuts. Chuck on live television, had the stones to say “women be milkin’ that baby thing”. Saying that it can’t be as bad as playing a basketball game with a sprained ankle. We get a classic taste of Ernie trying to reel Charles in only for him to double down and say you never buy a woman a watch because there’s a clock on the stove. 

Charles Clapping Back At Fans

https://twitter.com/dipexstef/status/1528937777693446145?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

Most celebrities ignore thecriticism thrown their way on social media. Not Charles. When TNT aired a Tweet from a fan who said “Charles would pick Krispy Kreme donuts for the first pick” Chuck did not take it lying down. He demanded that the network not cut to a commercial break until they showed the profile picture of the fan saying, “Look at your fatass too!” 

Charles Bashes The Suns

https://twitter.com/literal_analogy/status/1528998273008156672?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

Barkley is one of the most beloved Suns of all time despite only playing for the franchise for four seasons. They had some of their highest win totals with Chuck while he appeared in four All-Star games and won an MVP. Charles started on about how the fans don’t deserve their current situation. Then went on a rant that included insults like the popcorn being stale, flat soda, denying invites to games, breaking your teeth on the pretzels, the cheerleaders being ugly now, cold cheese with your nachos, but at least there’s plenty of parking. Ernie, God bless him, tried give the Suns an excuse saying their top three scorers are injured to which Chuck responded, “They were no good when they had em.” 

Jonas Valanciunas Pronunciation Undefeated Against Chuck

https://twitter.com/hellaadz/status/1528986708900884480?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

It’s no secret that Charles struggles with pronunciation. Even Russell Westbrook gives him a run for his money. As an Alabama native, he sometimes gets that southern marble mouth that makes long names and repeated consonants a nightmare. But when he first pronounced Valanciunas as Vas-oh-eeh-awl-sauce he seemed to be speaking Martian. You can tell he even practiced towards the end too, but the poor soul could never quite get it right. 

Charles’ Record Speed Quips

https://twitter.com/oldnbatweetz/status/1529119901356417024?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

Just so quick with it. When Kenny said “Hakeem Olajuwon used to this to me all the time…” Charles didn’t miss a beat saying “Kenny bring me some water.” Or the time Shaq was explaining he’s offended when people mistake his identity and Ernie asked who they could possibly mistake him for. Charles had the entire TNT crew howling when he slipped in a “Shrek”.

Charles’ Poor Choice Of Words

https://twitter.com/godkingfola/status/1528925356165668864?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

https://twitter.com/adrianewingsii/status/1529069494710173697?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

https://twitter.com/hitto92678642/status/1528999237610086400?s=21&t=iNQNsOFZ55Pe86j_cLcnXQ

https://twitter.com/ggrimology/status/1528931199183425536?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

When nearly everything you say goes viral on Twitter, you need to be careful how you word things. Charles’ lack of a filter is a double edged sword. He often finds himself getting roasted by Shaq fo saying things like “He’s just bangin and bangin and bangin…When a guy’s bangin you…”, transitioning with “Speaking of cumming..”, saying Kenny once gave him a vibrator, or while talking about Klay Thompson’s shooting saying “That boy can really stroke it right there. Ima take him to Target.” 

Charles Forgets How To Count

https://twitter.com/hellapoed/status/1528964395534995456?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

Charles wasn’t sure how to count to two while cutting a promo. After saying “I’ve got two words for ya…” Charles went on to give the viewer eight more words: “Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV.” The icing on the cake was his two word redemption that turned out to be “Nash and Paul”, scolding the rest of the crew for counting “and” as a word. 

Chuck Vs. San Antonio Women

https://twitter.com/oaxacaflame15/status/1528996201521065989?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

https://twitter.com/underratedz7/status/1528956404165484544?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

https://twitter.com/gussimane/status/1528855475701305345?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

“But they do got some big ol’ women down there.” When you think of Charles Barkley controversies, his long time rivalry with the lovely women of San Antonio probably comes first in your mind. Saying it’s a gold mine for weight watchers, “Victoria definitely a secret down there,” and attributing their weight to “whoofin’ them churros down.” But as a man of integrity, Chuck did apologize to the women when he tried a churro for the first time.

Charles Is Afraid Of Stuffed Bunnieshttps://twitter.com/itsalwayscraig/status/1528956981221941250?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Video speaks for itself. Like Ernie would throw(!) a live rabbit at Chuck on television. Pure fear the second they lock eyes. Then the way that he keeps squeezing it just to confirm that it’s not going to come alive in his hands is comedy at it’s purest form. 
Charles Creating Hilarious Race Tensionshttps://twitter.com/camthomasbetta/status/1528950869898706945?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/lucaszobel/status/1529182426970439681?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
https://twitter.com/thejakechristie/status/1528886090886569987?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw
Chuck has the ability to go there, make everyone uncomfortable, and come out unscathed because he nails the joke every time. Whether he’s telling Sammy Sosa he won’t get in the HOF by becoming white, suggesting Ernie was absent because he was storming the Capitol, or saying during the Pistons/Mavs game in Mexico that people in Detroit are hoping they’ll build a wall so the Pistons can’t get home, Chuck lands it every time. It’s just something no one else would even consider touching any more. You can feel Ernie squirming through the screen when Charles says Abraham Lincoln is his favorite president because, “If it weren’t for him, we’d be calling Ernie boss.” 
Charles’ Diaper Change Competitionhttps://twitter.com/xx_2pacaveli_xx/status/1528950467690123264?s=21&t=XaJxi3i39ilSOBlIBXLkpw

It’s what makes the show so perfect. This has nothing to do with basketball and everything to do with friends trying to one-up each other. And it created an all-time moment. While competing against Kenny in a diaper change race, the crew decided to heat up a chocolate bar to put in the doll’s diaper. The shock of seeing it literally stumbled Charles. This man is not an actor, that was genuine belief that a fake baby had shit to the point where his reality was shaken to it’s core and he almost passed out. I didn’t put these in any particular order, but I did save this one for last because it hurt my jaw at how hard I laughed at this. The seriousness in his tone when he tells Shaq, “Shaq…I feinted. I feinted for a second. It was the weirdest thing. Shaq, I feinted for a second it was crazy. It’s like someone hit me with a right cross and staggered me and I don’t even know how I kept standing up to be honest with you,” is enough evidence that Charles Barkley isn’t a real person. 

I have my theories on how Chuck gets away with everything. In a world full of cancels, Charles Barkley points down and laughs at us from his impenetrable ivory tower. I’ve narrowed it down to two main components. One, Shaq’s suppressed laughter at the jokes makes people too happy to ever be offended. And two, Charles is a giggler. No matter how controversial, how turribull, something he says is, it’s impossible to be mad at someone when they deliver it with a giggle. 

The Father Of American Science Fiction: Divine Intervention, Alien Interference, Or Certified Madman?

Philip K. Dick was born in 1928 in Chicago, Illinois. He bounced around a lot as a child. Moved to San Francisco at five years old, then to Nevada where a custody battle for him ensued. Then he received a Quaker education with his mother in Washington DC until he was ten years old, until finally settling in California. He saw much of the world at a young age and that world in turn did not repay him kindly.

He was divorced three times, struggled with paranoia, was addicted to amphetamines, and died relatively poor despite his published works. He passed from complications of a  stroke four months before the premiere of Blade Runner which was based on his novel, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sleep?. Despite all that, he wrote some of the best damn science fiction the world has ever seen. 

Science fiction is built on the allure that humanity has no idea what the fuck is going on. We don’t know if there’s any true purpose, we don’t know what’s real, we don’t know if there’s anything or anyone out there, we don’t know if this is all a simulation, we don’t know if life is just one cruel, unjust, prank. And no one explored that quite like PKD. 

Blade Runner wasn’t his only work adapted to the big screen. Philip K Dick was the mind behind some of the most beloved science fiction to date. Including Total Recall, Minority Report, The Adjustment Bureau, and Amazon’s popular original series of Man In The High Castle. His best book in my opinion, Ubik, was named in TIME’s 100 Best Novels. 

How did a boy who’s worst grade in school was for Written Composition create some of the most influential science fiction ever written? Drugs, and a shit ton of them. Dick was reported by friends to have a refrigerator full of milkshakes mixed with amphetamines. A practice I think McDonald’s  adopted in the late 90’s with their McFlurry. Although amphetamine swirls we’re his drug of choice, PKD was also a known user of meth, LSD, mescaline, sodium pentothal, and PCP. His house became a den for twisted junkies looking to find their place in the world. Which was the inspiration behind his novel A Scanner Darkly.

But what if it was more than drugs? What if Philip K Dick unlocked a human reality that we aren’t privy to. 

Following wisdom tooth surgery, Philip K Dick said he answered the door to a beautiful girl with dark hair, large eyes and a Christian fish necklace to deliver his medication. A necklace that he claims gave off a pink glimmer when the sun hit it. When the door shut, Dick claims he was blinded by a pink beam that triggered a series of visions. Visions of futuristic blueprints, ideological philosophy, and abstract images. It gave him otherworldly information in dead languages he couldn’t speak. 

During the following months of the pink beam, the author submitted to his spirit guides that had him taking better care of his health and making good business decisions. He saw impossible things, living a parallel life. Ancient Roman scenes played out in his otherwise suburban neighborhood. Nixon responsible for the deaths of Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr.. Flashes of Jesus Christ himself orchestrating a revolution of Rome in secret. Time traveling extra-terrestrials with three eyes. And the most bone-chilling of all, a warning to take his son to a doctor. Dick adhered to the beam’s advice and his son caught an early potentially dangerous diagnosis. 

When the pink beam was cut off and stopped responding to Philip K. Dick, he attempted suicide. On the night he decided to overdose on pills, he added cutting his wrists while in his running car with the garage door closed for good measure. Triple play. His wrists coagulated, he threw up the medication, and the engine stalled. 

Dick became obsessed with explaining his cosmic intervention. He himself was the first to admit that it may have been a psychotic break. Although he was still convinced that his home burglary where important documents were stolen was done by the FBI. Cops were convinced he did it to himself. He wrote 8,000 pages on the pink beam incident that he referred to as 2-3-74 in pursuit of an explanation. Besides a psychotic break, his theories included God, the KGB, the CIA, aliens, satellites, his deceased twin reaching him from a spiritual plane, himself from another universe or dimension, or a telepathic link to a first century Christian named Thomas. 

Of course he could have imagined everything. His son’s diagnosis could have been a lucky guess in the midst of psychosis. Hallucinations triggered by a drug deteriorated brain of a genius who was being paid pennies on the dollar for his creativity. Maybe he was just dealt a bad hand and this is how his mind played it.

Philip K Dick’s life may or may not have become the stuff of one his novels. Straddling the line of an insane existence or a transcendent peak behind the curtain of the universe’s secrets. We’ll never know. That’s the problem with the edge, no one knows where it is. The only ones who knew have gone over. 

Chappelle’s Attacker Explains His Actions

Isaiah Lee, or as he’s more famously known apparently, NoName_Trapper, has broken his silence and spoken with the New York Post. He pretty much confirmed all of our suspicions that he didn’t like the jokes that Chappelle was telling at his comedy show and charged him while possessing a fake gun/knife. Let’s break down a couple of my favorite quotes from the article. 

1. “…said he was ‘triggered’ by the comedian’s jokes about the LGBTQ community and homelessness- as he insisted he never wanted to hurt the funny man.”

I have a hard time imagining that someone just happens upon a Dave Chapplle show. The guy sells out arenas, you knew what he was about before your ticket was punched. Lee was “triggered” by jokes since he identifies as bisexual and is someone who has battled homelessness. Ok, then you’d think Dave Chappelle might not be your cup of tea. He knew full well what he was going to do there. 

Chappelle joke on Da Baby vs. LGBTQ

https://youtu.be/cs_1nR7h3Qk

Chappelle joke on Oscar The Grouch being homeless

https://youtu.be/aVW-FB1q8FM

2. “Isaiah Lee told The Post that Chappelle should be more ‘sensitive’ when it comes to the jokes he cracks.” 

Oh so NoName_Trapper is more the soft and sensitive type, huh? No I totally get it. Some people take things too far at comedy shows, a setting known for rash exclamations and shock value. At least it’s not in a public place where people aren’t asking to be subjected to Dave’s opinions. Ya know, like standing on a cop car and flipping everyone off. 

We should be more conscious to the people around us. Especially those in close proximity. Like maybe we should be more sensitive and not stab our roommates. Which brings me to our next quote. 

3. “He was charged on Thursday with stabbing his roommate last year. The victim in that case identified Lee as his alleged attacker when the Chappelle incident went viral, prosecutors say. 

Maybe they’ll send him to sensitivity training. 

4. “Asked about reports that he suffers from mental health issues, Lee said they were ‘wrong’ and ‘inaccurate’. His lawyer, however, has said he is receiving mental health services. 

Lee has alleged that he was sexually abused as a seventeen year old. Besides murdering a child, sexually abusing a minor is the worst crime there is. Enough to mess anyone up. You’ve been sexually abused, wrestled with homelessness, allegedly stabbed your roommate and charged Dave Chappelle on a stage while in possession of a deadly weapon. Take the mental health route my man. Your lawyer couldn’t be any clearer in telling you to shut the fuck up. 

5. “ ‘But it went from me probably only doing six months [in jail] and having to do community service and living in a transitional home - to possibly 15 years  or more in jail’….Still, he says he doesn’t regret what happened,” 

Don’t regret what happened? We all saw you on Twitter, you looked like Woody when his stiches started to come undone. Let’s be generous and say you don’t regret it seven years into that fifteen year bid you mentioned. Staring down the barrel of another eight is it possible you might start thinking, “I might’ve fucked up,”? 

I’m not sure that Chappelle will ever have another normal show again. While I highly doubt he’ll think twice before doing his often controversial jokes, I guarantee you someone will think twice before charging that stage again. One final quote. When Dave asked Isaiah why he attacked him, Lee said something along the lines of his mother and grandmother would be ashamed of Dave’s jokes that they fought for his right to do. To which the comedian responded, “Now your story will die with you, son.” Dave Chappelle is a cold motherfucker. 

The Eerie Parallels Between Aaron Judge And Robinson Cano

I can never just be happy. The Yankees have the best record in the league, the best ERA, and the hottest player in Aaron Judge. But here I sit glossing over impending doom. The life we chose. 

I scoffed at the fans in recent seasons who were clamoring for the Yankees to trade Aaron Judge. I wasn’t part of the faction that was ready to stitch a “C” on his chest, but I wasn’t far off. It is in my humble opinion, that when Aaron Judge is healthy, he’s a top 5 hitter in the MLB. I’m not even going to argue the numbers, I don’t think there’s five people playing you’d rather face less than Aaron Judge. 

This is Judge’s last year on his contract. The Yankees tried and failed to extend him before the season. Judge rejected a seven year deal for $213.5 million dollars. 30.5 million a year. Well the price just went up. 

Aaron Judge took a bet on himself that looks to be paying off so far. He’s batting .306, leads the MLB in home runs, and top five in RBIs through his first thirty-five games this season. If it wasn’t for the cheat code scam that Ohtani’s running, he’d be the early favorite for MVP. 

So why haven’t the Yankees locked up the home grown guy? Age? Injuries? Hal’s a cheap bastard? Cashman likes to get too cute? Probably all of the above. But they’ve also seen how this plays out before. 

Robinson Cano was once the young buck to come through the Yankees farm to steal the hearts of the Bronx. He was an All-Star at 23 years old who batted .343 on the season. Cano batted over .300 in seven out of nine seasons with the Yankees (.343, .306, .320, .319, .302, .313, .314) cementing himself as one of the best hitters in the league. I remember the fans calling for him to succeed Jeter. But just like Aaron Judge, his final contract year came at the age of 30. 

The Yankees were just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for the A-Rod contract. They offered Cano seven years $175 million. He turned it down and accepted the fourth highest contract in MLB history at the time. Ten years, $240 million. The fifth ever contract over the $200 mil threshold. 

Yankees fans motherfucked everyone. Cano, Cashman, the Mariners, Jay-Z. We wanted blood. Cano only batted over .300 in one full season after that. He had a power resurgence in 2016 hitting 39 home runs that ended with Robbie getting popped for PEDs. The Mets are now paying Robinson Cano 48 million dollars to not play for their team. 

Given the monstrous power of Judge and the longevity of DHs there’s an argument for his higher rate of potential success. But Cano didn’t have nearly as many injury struggles as Judge. The knock against the Yankees slugger is that he can’t stay on the field. 112 games in 2018, 102 games in 2019, and only half the 2020 shortened season. 

There are now nine players in the MLB that have signed a contract over 300 million dollars. Judge is playing his way into becoming the tenth. But these high-in-year contracts have such a low success rate. Cano, Prince Fielder, Strasburg, David Price, more recently Marcus Semien and Anthony Rendon have looked like shit. Stanton’s hot right now but he’s no where near that MVP season form. And maybe the best hitter of the generation, Albert Pujols, regressed the second pen hit paper. 

Cano didn’t give us the home town discount. Judge won’t give us the injury prone discount. I don’t think we’re going to resign him without a bargain.

I’d give him the money I don’t give a fuck. But I’m readying myself for when I see Judge in another uniform next year. I’m readying myself to be hurt. If we resign Judge, I’ll pretend I never wrote this and defend the decision to the death. But if he signs elsewhere, which past practice has shown is very much a possibility, I’ll remind everyone why it’s the right call. But I’m telling you right now, if Cashman gambles wrong on Aaron Judge, he better count his fuckin days.

The Problem With This Wisconsin Man Eat Two Big Macs A Day For Fifty Years

Who has a more unbreakable record than Wayne Gretzky, more determination than Cal Ripken Jr., and probably zero lining left in his stomach? Don Gorske. The Wisconsin man who’s eaten Big Macs every day for the last fifty years. In case you were wondering, yes that is a world record. 

As of last August, Gorske had eaten 33,420 Big Macs. Gorske says that most people told him he’d be dead before fifty years of Big Mac consumption, yet here he stands. Big Science is no match for Big Mac. If I told you to close your eyes and picture what an American would look like who’s averaged two Big Macs a day for fifty years, I promise you that you wouldn’t picture Don Gorske. 

I think the real story might lie in the choice of going bowl cut bangs with a pony tail. What are you hiding? An alternate universe Larry David who never created Seinfeld but still had an insatiable appetite for fame. 
I’ve been known to enjoy throwing back a couple Big Macs. So besides the obvious question of health, what problem do I have with Don? 
So Gorske actually has admitted that he’s missed eight days in the last fifty years. Still impossibly impressive. Plus I’m sure he made up with those Big Macs lost with extra orders when he was back up and running. But health aside, what kind of affect has this had on his life?
Don does a minimum two Big Macs a day. Lunch and dinner presumably. He’s eaten nothing but Big Macs and maybe breakfast for the last fifty years.
Has that taken a toll on his family? He has grown kids so I assume he has or at least had a wife. Did she take offense to her cooking? What about when it was his kid’s birthday? Besides presents, your ace in the hole for your birthday is choosing where to eat. Were the Gorske children forced to blow out the candles at McDonald’s? Or did Don eat his Big Macs beforehand and sit there with an empty place mat? 
What if there was a funeral? Was his family like, cmon dude give it a rest this is serious. And Ron would white knuckle the steering wheeling saying, “No, I HAVE to do this.” 
What the hell happend in those eight days that he missed? Did he get two Big Macs on 9/11? 
What if he gets sick? Were there Covid protocols? Gambling your own health with your Big Mac addiction is one thing but putting others at risk when you’re sick is another discussion entirely. What if he got Covid and lost his taste, would he shove down the Big Macs out of responsibility? 
Have they had the discussion about the money? Is he independently wealthy? Based on menu pictures from the internet, I’ve estimated how much money he’s spent through the decades based on the prices of Big Mac meals. They’re obviously not exact but they’re ballpark. And an interesting correlation to today’s inflation conversations. 1970’s: $9,5631980’s: $18,9071990’s: $33,5072000’s: $35,6972010’s: $45,9172020-2022: $17,279
Which means at the end of this year Don’s grand total will be $160,870 on Big Macs. By the end of the decade if and that’s a big IF, the price of Big Macs don’t rise, his decade total will be $57,597. Bringing his overall McDonald’s tab to $201,188. 
Is he crazy? 
How much trouble would I get in if I kidnapped Don Gorkse? Not for ransom or physical harm or anything like that. But just to see how Don would react if I withheld Big Macs from him. Sorry, I just went to dark place there. Forget I said that. 
Am I crazy?
I don’t wish bad things to happen to people. I promise I won’t kidnap anyone. But what I will say is, it would be a funny move for McDonald’s to suddenly discontinue the Big Mac. Big Ron’s vs. Big Don would be a showdown for the ages. 

Is Former Alabama Receiver Turned Texas Transfer Leaving Austin?

Since 2015 Nick Saban has seen eight wide receivers go in the first round. Amari Cooper, Calvin Ridley, Henry Ruggs III, Jerry Jeudy, Jaylen Waddle, Devonta Smith, and Jameson Williams. I’m not even counting Julio Jones. In 2020, Alabama was the first program to ever have two receivers go in the first round of the same draft. Then they doubled down and did it again in 2021. They also had the first wide receiver Heisman winner since 1991. This ain’t your Daddy’s Alabama. Tuscaloosa churns out wide receivers, and Agiye Hall was slated to be the next “guy”. 

Agiye Hall had a higher recruiting grade than the entire Alabama receiving corps coming into the 2021 season. After an impressive spring game, fans were excited that Hall was living up to the hype. Still, it’s hard to break into the rotation as a true freshman on a stacked Alabama roster.  
Hall spent the majority of the 2021 season on Alabama’s sidelines. He played in seven games but they were mostly blowouts. He finished the regular season with four receptions for seventy-two yards. Rumor around the campus was that he wasn’t happy with his playing time. 
When John Metchie III went out for the season in the SEC Championship game, Hall seemed to be the logical replacement. But come playoffs, it became clear that Iron Bowl hero Ja’Corey Brooks got the nod. Also a true freshman. The rumors Hall’s displeasure grew louder. 
Jameson Williams was well on his way to winning Alabama their 19th championship catching four balls for sixty-five yards in the first quarter. That is until his ACL got snatched. It was doom and gloom for Alabama fans, but for Agiye Hall it was opportunity calling. He took that opportunity…. and wiped his ass with it.  
Agiye Hall was abysmal in the National Championship against Georgia. Sure he had two catches for fifty-two yards. But his drops are what cemented themselves in the minds of Alabama fans. Bryce Young was still slinging the rock without his top two receivers while staring down a defense that had five 2022 first rounders on it. Hall bounced this 3rd and 11 off his chest while Alabama was threatening and still up by three points. Fans poured on the insults for Hall’s drops to the point that he made his Twitter avatar him dropping a touchdown vs. Georgia. Which is pictured below. 

Following the Championship loss, Saban was not so subtle about the young receivers that didn’t step up. He was quoted nearly a month later at the Alabama Coaches Association saying, “So now we were playing with guys that typically didn’t have to play at those positions. So the lesson to be learned was there were three guys - and I’m not calling out any names - that basically didn’t do the things they needed to throughout the season because they were frustrated with their circumstance.” 
Coach didn’t have to say any names. It was clear who the three were and Agiye Hall was the biggest culprit. In early April when Saban was asked about Agiye’s suspension and earning his way back to the team he said:

“We’ll he already had that opportunity once. So, um, I don’t know what his plans are for the future.”
Well that’s all that drunk Sarkisian needed to hear. It was confirmed two weeks later that Agiye Hall was transferring to Texas. Hall’s face was plastered all over my feed with him wearing a stupid cowboy hat confirming his transfer to UT. 


Hall went on a petty tour after that. He trashed the Alabama fan base and culture to 247 Longhorn’s insider Chip Brown. And even went on to favorite Schefter’s tweet about Jerry Jeudy’s arrest in Colorado. I couldn’t wait to see his ass on September 10th. 
But wait, not so fast. 
The internet sleuths noticed that Agiye Hall has yet to be added to Texas’ roster. While Longhorns beat writer Brian Davis pointed out that he wouldn’t have been added until the summer enrollment date of May 31st, that wasn’t nearly the most damning evidence that the grass isn’t greener in Austin. Agiye Hall has removed all Texas content and pictures from his social media platforms. Which is athlete for “fuck y’all”. 
While it could mean nothing, one thing I’ve learned with Agiye Hall is that smoke normally means fire. Xavier Worthy is the clear cut number one reciever right now for Texas. It was rumored that USC even tried to poach him for a significant NIL. And it’s been no secret that the Longhorns have been courting projected first round pick and transfer portal darling, Jordan Addison. If Sark did indeed land another big WR transfer, Agiye Hall could once again find himself taking a back seat. 
Isn’t that a shame. I truly hope it turns out to be all smoke and mirrors. I want to see him in orange on September 10th. I get that he’s still just a kid and I really wish that I could wish him all the best. But that’s just not how college football fandom works. 

Early NFL Week 1 Bets

It’s never too early to start sizing up lines. A lot can happen between now and Week 1. Holdouts, roster moves, preseason achilles explosions. But fortune favors the bold. It’s only May, but it’s time to take a look at the slate. And boy oh boy do some of those spreads jump off the page. 

1:00 p.m.

I’m taking Bengals -6.5 to the Steelers in Cincinnati. 

I’ll always trust the Steelers draft process. They never seem to miss. I expect them to be more fun to watch this year without having to cater to a dying Roethlisberger. But asking Mitch Trubisky or Kenny Pickett to challenge the AFC champions Week 1 is a tall order. Either way you slice it, it’s a quarterback in a brand new system. 

The Bengals had a meh kind of draft but they finally addressed their offensive line weakness by signing La’el Collins. Sprinkle in home field advantage and I’m taking Joe Burrow and Jamar Chase by over a touchdown. 

4:25

I’m taking Chiefs -2.5 to the Cardinals in Arizona. 

The disrespect. This is a “they don’t have Tyreek Hill anymore” line. I think all the Tyreek Hill talk is going to light a fire under Mahomes. I’m not saying a rookie is going to walk in and be Tyreek Hill, but drafting Skyy Moore was obviously an attempt to replace that speed. I think people forget that the Chiefs signed Juju Smith-Schuster. While Juju has noticeably declined over the past few seasons, so had his quarterback. Pairing him with Mahomes might just unlock a 2018 Juju who had 1,426 yards and 7 touchdowns. The Chiefs have solidified themselves as perennial Super Bowl contenders. Losing Tyreek Hill is Mahomes’ first real test, but I think he answers the call.

Plus the Cardinals are a weird team. Deandre Hopkins is out six weeks for PEDs. In a desperate Hail Mary to offset the loss Kyler’s number one receiver, the Cards traded a first rounder for Hollywood Brown. Essentially the same price the Eagles paid for AJ Brown. Arizona had some glaring holes to fill in the draft. Like edge rush for instance, after losing Chandler Jones to the Raiders. But they decided to go TE with their first draft selection even though they traded for Zach Ertz last season. Yeah the game’s in Arizona, but Kyler Murray doesn’t even like Arizona so who cares. I think the whole debacle this offseason with unfollowing the Cardinals on Instagram and then his agent writing that uncomfortable letter is going to loom over Kyler’s head. And he’s kind of a mental midget. Which is ironic because he’s also, well, you know. Chiefs by well over a field goal. 

I’m taking the Packers -1.5 to the Vikings in Minnesota.

Please for the love of God, please, someone tell Aaron Rodgers they’re only giving Kirk Cousins 1.5 points against him. I understand that the Packers lost Davante Adams, but that doesn’t give you the right. Rodgers has played fourteen seasons now, he’s lost number one receivers before. James Jones, Greg Jennings, Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, it didn’t matter. He was still Aaron Rodgers, he’ll make a new pro bowler. Plus one of those things that don’t matter but definitely make a difference in my brain is the Packers getting embarrassed by the Saints Week 1 last year 38-3. I can’t see Rodgers getting embarrassed two years in a row coming off an MVP season. 

The Vikings are the Vikings. Dalvin Cook and Justin Jefferson are fun to watch. I think their secondary could be sweet since they drafted Lewis Cine and Andrew Booth Jr. to add to Patrick Peterson and Harrison Smith. But I’m not sure that’s enough for a team that only beat three teams over .500 last year. At the end of the day you’re asking a first year coach in Kevin O’Connell to devise a plan for Kirk Cousins to beat Aaron Rodgers. I’m not buying it. 

8:20

I’m taking the Bucs -2 to the Cowboys in Dallas. 

Tom Brady has only lost four Week 1 matchups in his twenty-two year career. I just can’t see the Cowboys being number five. The Bucs have added Logan Ryan, Russell Gage, and long-time Patriots starting guard Shaq Mason. But the biggest acquisition was retaining Tom Brady who very well might make the Bucs the best team in the NFC. Brady’s going to want to come out and prove he made the right decision by extending his career. Anyone who thinks the distractions of un-retiring and the FOX deal are going hinder him is silly. If anything I think it’ll have the opposite effect. Brady loves distractions. I mean, the season the guy was suspended he went on to win a Super Bowl. 

Strangely enough, the Cowboys opened up with the Buccaneers last year. It was a close one, losing 29-31. But, BUT, Dak Prescott had to throw 58 times and  Amari Cooper had 13 receptions for 139 yards and 2 touchdowns. Amari Cooper is gone. While most people might agree with the Cowboys to trade Cooper, it puts a lot of pressure on Ceedee Lamb. How did Cowboys look to relieve that? They signed poopy James Washington who averages only 407 receiving yards A SEASON. The Cowboys aren’t even positive that Michael Gallup will be ready for Week 1. Which means they may have to start their third round rookie from South Alabama. But Dak’s troubles don’t stop at a depleted receiving corps as the Cowboys also lost their six year starter on the offensive line, La’el Collins. Dallas’ defense will be fun to watch, headlined by Trevon Diggs and Micah Parsons. But I don’t think it’ll be enough. The offense won’t be ready enough to match a Tom Brady with a chip on his shoulder. 

The lines will most likely move. It’s exhilarating to see them move in your favor. And if they don’t, just remember why you liked the original line in the first place. And if you’re so inclined: a Bengals -6.5, Chiefs -2.5, Packers -1.5, and Bucs -2 parlay is +1148. Gamble responsibly.

James Cromwell And Six Other Crazy Animal Protests

Gluing you’re hand to surfaces is very hot in the streets right now. The Timberwolves dealt with a tsunami of screaming protesters gluing themselves to the hardwood during the playoffs. Now Oscar-nominated actor James Cromwell has joined the trend like a 13 year old with a Tik Tok addiction. He’s Hollywood’s designated creepy tall guy. The actor most famous for his roles in Babe, Sucession, and the warden in the Longest Yard remake joined PETA to glue himself to a Starbucks counter to protest a vegan milk up charge. 

Fuckin PETA, they’re crazy man. Say what you want about them, they’re one of the last organizations that still has a set of balls on them. PETA has always had a flair for the dramatic. Here’s six other crazy campaigns and protests the organization has deployed. 

Gordon Ramsay’s Horseshit

The Brits love three things: cooking shows, colonialism, and Gordon Ramsay. When PETA found a stage containing 2/3 they knew they had to strike. Gordon tried to get the horse meat ball rolling on his cooking show “F-Word” by barbecuing up some ponies. Not on PETA’s watch. The organization responded to Ramsay’s foal play by backing a dump truck of horse shit up to his restaurant’s door step. 

A BIG Mistake

PETA has so much care for animals that they don’t really give a shit about humans. If you haven’t noticed by now, they don’t play by the same PC rules as the rest of us. Normally they don’t back down, but even PETA had to backtrack their “Save the Whales” billboard that pictured what appeared to be an over weight cartoon woman in a bikini. They released an apology and replaced it with an ad that read “Gone: Just Like All The Pounds Lost By People Who Go Vegetarian.” 

Monday, Bloody Monday

Ah Americana, fireworks and hot dogs on the 4th of July. But we didn’t gain our independence by eating hot dogs and flying pyrotechnics, we fought for it with blood and sweat. This lovely PETA member had to remind the American people that at Nathan’s televised Hot Dog Eating Contest. Two minutes into the competition she ran on to the stage and doused the contestants in fake blood in protest of all the little piggies slaughtered for their hot dogs. It messed some participants up so badly that they only ate like 12 hot dogs. However, Joey Chestnut ate 70 dogs right in PETA’s face despite the demonstration. 

Got Autism? 

They say you should never talk religion or politics with a stranger. I’d put children’s disabilities above both of those topics. PETA mirrored the “got milk?” slogan with a billboard that read “Has your child got autism?” TIME has since exposed the trouble with the small sample of twenty children study that PETA referred to. Needless to say people were outraged that the orginaztion would use children’s disabilities to further their agenda. 

KKK Comparisons

You ever seen someone malfunction when you tell them that you didn’t adopt your puppy? Imagine how PETA takes it. They’ve gone as far as implying you’re a Nazi if you don’t adopt. You can watch the commercial they put out where a KKK member walks into an American Kenel Club meeting stating he’s in the correct place since they’re discussing purebloods and master pedigrees. Watch it here: https://youtu.be/rxAaK0iJ2vQ

Breast Milk Based Ben And Jerry’s

Gotta hand it to them, it would create a whole lot of jobs. PETA has no shame in their game and has been known to exploit titties for their message. Half naked “chicks” in a bath of blood to protest KFC’s chickens. Playboy Playmates in lettuce bikinis to serve vegan hot dogs in DC, you name it. In a letter to the ice cream behemoth, PETA described a breast milk based ice cream that would save cows and be a “healthier” option for consumers. God, the perverts would have loved that. They’d trade a Cherry Garcia for a Katy Berry in a heart beat. 

________________________________________________

PETA is far from over. It’s a fight I don’t see ending in this century. And if you think that they’re stopping at gorilla gluing hands you haven’t been paying attention. Crazy bastards, can’t wait to see what they come up with next. 

Remembering Delonte West

Delonte West was living the dream of every young man’s life. He was a professional athlete. Traveling the world, beautiful women, being paid millions of dollars. Delonte became a millionaire doing what he loved. He was living out the fantasy of every little boy and girl who would take turnaround jumpers at the curb while a fake shot clock rang through their head. 

Delonte West was on top of the world. And so was his team. The Cavaliers had an NBA best 61 wins and a number one seed in the playoffs. Their shining star, LeBron James, was rising even higher on his way to another MVP. 

Then it happened. Delonte West fucked LeBron’s mom. 

Now I understand that they’re two consenting adults. They ran in the same circles. Delonte being on the Cavs, Gloria James being the mother of their best player. I guess these things happen. That’s love I suppose. 

But not without repercussions. 

If you remember, this was arguably the year of LeBron’s biggest playoff collapse. The Celtics/Cavs Eastern Conference Finals. The man who was averaging 29.7/7.3/8.6 was nowhere to be found. LeBron’s slackish body language was evident, he was missing open shots and layups, and his demeanor changed from a man on a mission to someone who looked like he had quit on his team. Bron averaged 18.5 points in that series loss and shot 30.2% from the field. He stormed off the court and took his jersey off before he even reached the locker room. 

You can understand how a man’s heart might not be in his craft when he has to share the court with a man who had sexual relations with someone he cares deeply about. It can affect your star’s performance when he can’t bare to look at the face of a role player. No orginaztion could possibly want that. Some men might rise above it, but you can understand how others might have the same reaction as LeBron.

But LeBron is LeBron and he turned out alright. He went on to win two more MVPs and four NBA titles. Delonte however, did not. 

That season was the last time West donned a Cavaliers uniform. LeBron was a powerful man in that organization and he had to know he did him wrong. Delonte still played in the NBA after the incident, sure. But the production wasn’t there. He only played 1.5 more seasons. It was clear that Delonte West just wasn’t that good when LeBron wasn’t on the court. 

Unfortunately, Delonte West crashed and burned from there. He sadly was rumored to have untreated mental issues. He developed a bad drug habit and allegedly even became addicted to embalming fluid. People began to spot West living homeless in the streets. Arrests became inevitable. 

Thank God for the big heart of Mark Cuban. The Mavs owner got Delonte the help he needed. Got him off the streets, put him in a program, and helped him turn his life around. Delonte West is now entering the draft pool for the Big 3. Good for him. Delonte had to work hard to get where he is. But it’s not the NBA. Where LeBron just averaged another 30 ppg season. 

Morale of the story: be careful where you put your pecker. 

BBC Taps “Sex Education” Star As New Doctor

Dr. Who is a lot like tequila. People who don’t like can’t fathom how someone could enjoy it and people who love it can’t shut the fuck up about it. Whatever the case may be, the show has been on since 1963. So they’re doing something right. 

For those who don’t know, the show is about a time traveling alien that recruits humans to carry out justice throughout human and non-human history and future. And present I suppose. The main character, The Doctor, has regenerative properties that forces the showrunners to change lead actors every three seasons or so. 

Dr. Who ran from 1963-1988 and then was resurrected in 2005 to present day. I don’t often admit it but it’s my favorite TV show. I watch a lot of shows, I mean like a fuck ton. I don’t enjoy rewatching shows because I think there’s so much out there. I’ve rewatched Dr. Who three times. It’s not an easy crush either. We’re talking over 140 hours in 13 seasons. I know, I know… but I can’t help it. 

That being said, I understand why people wouldn’t like the show. Some of the big bad villains are from the 1960’s and could come off silly if you don’t have the imagination for it. I don’t even recommend it to friends because I know they’ll flame me for it.

I think to combat that kind of opinion of the show, the showrunners have gone off the path that has worked since 2005. It lost it’s whimsical, goofy charm. The show RARELY goes off-world which were often the most creative episodes, and the new human companions are too serious. And the ratings have paid the price. At it’s height in 2009, Dr. Who reported an average of 10.70 million viewers. The current season is sitting at an average of 3.93 million viewers. 

Which is a shame because I really like the current actress Jodie Whittaker and feel like she’s getting a bad rap for her portrayal. I don’t blame Jodie for the failure of the 13th Doctor. I feel like it’s more the direction of the show that’s bringing ratings down. But just because I like Whittaker doesn’t mean the show hasn’t been shit. 

But boy oh fucking boy are we back. The first massive piece of good news that us Whovians (An embarrassing admission of the fan base’s name) received was that former showrunner Russel T. Davies will be back at the helm. RTD has averaged the highest amount of viewers during his run from 2005-2011. Davies is responsible for resurrecting the show, creating the consensus favorite: David Tenant’s Doctor, and the companion who stole all of our hearts, Rose Tyler. 

At the beginning of a Doctor’s third season, fans start to speculate who will take on the role. I was checking weekly to see if there were new rumors like it was off-season free agent moves. There were where whispers for years that the show wanted a black Doctor and even rumored Idris Elba. Then with the reintroduction of RTD people were calling for an LGBTQ Doctor with his resume of shows like “Queer As Folk” and “It’s A Sin”, which many speculated could tap breakout star Olly Alexander. Well, on the BAFTA Awards’ red carpet this past weekend, Russell T Davies announced they will be doing both*. 

Ncuti fucking Gatwa. A perfect fit. The Rwandan-Scottish actor who’s most famously known for his role as Eric Effiong in “Sex Education”. Gatwa steals every single scene he’s in. Hilarious banter, effortless vulnerability, refreshingly original, and all the sass in the world. To say fans are over the moon would be an understatement. With each new Doctor comes a new catch line, new TARDIS (spaceship) redesign, and new wardrobe that the character will use for their entire run. I won’t say “slay” because it won’t come out right, but Ncuti is going to fucking kill it. 

I couldn’t be happier. Well I could, I’ll always hold on to the pipe dream of a Michael Sheen Doctor but that’s besides the point. There was no indication that Gatwa was even in the running. Its such a pleasantly welcome surprise. Like when your team has been fucking up the draft for years that you don’t expect much out of them and then they take the guy who’s regarded as a projected first ballot HOFer. Ncuti and Davies are going to give this series the facelift that it desperately needs to get back on top. 

*Ncuti Gatwa has never confirmed his sexuality preference and I just assumed it because of his portrayal of Eric in Sex Education. That’s my bad, but jury’s still out.

Idiots Miss Out On Selling 2k Year Old Statue

I love all things antiquing. I’m the king of Goodwill’s online store, I go to estate sales when old richies croak, yard sales, auctions, you name it. Garbage picker essentially. I just love the idea of getting one over on the idiot who didn’t realize what they had. It’s not morally airtight, but there’s no room for that kind of thought in the “buying dead people’s shit” game. 

Which brings me to these morons. Laura Young, a fellow garbage picker, was perusing the Goodwill store in Austin, Texas when she came across a piece of art that peaked her interest. It was a fifty-two pound marble bust for $35. Bit pricey for a Goodwill, but why the hell not? 

After consulting with experts and auction houses, Sotheby’s confirmed the bust was a 2,000 year old Roman artifact of a military leader. The statue went missing from a German museum’s storage during World War II. Are you fucking kidding me? This is the holy grail. This is what we play for. So what does Laura do? Fumbles at the one yard line. 

There’s no talk in the article of compensation for Laura’s find. But it is currently on display in a San Antonio museum which isn’t a very good sign. The fact that we even know where this thing is means Laura probably got a $35 refund and a sturdy pat on the back. 

If I found this thing? You’d never even know. I don’t know what the black market is or where to find it but you better believe I’d find out if I had a 2,000 year old stolen Roman statue on my hands. What does that go for? 5 million dollars? I don’t know the market for stolen ancient Roman artifacts, old books are more my thing. I could be 4.5 million off, but I doubt it. 2,000 years old? Jesus Christ himself could have walked past this thing. 
The article explains that Germany “technically” still owns the bust since it was stolen. Yeah fucking right. This thing is old-old, it answers to old laws. Finders keepers takes precedent here. You think this ROMAN statue was originally found in Bavaria? They stole that shit too. Germany would have to cough up a king’s ransom to get this off of me or pry it from my cold dead hands. 
Laura wants to track down the original donater, which proved unsuccessful after a rigorous Craigslist campaign. Sweetie, it was found at a Goodwill, stolen during World War II. He’s dead. And before anyone even thinks of coming for my man for stealing this from a museum, take a second to think. Germany was notorious for stealing and destroying art during World War II. Would you rather that, or it end up in the hands of the good guys? To a man who left his family to travel half way around the world to settle a continent’s scores that he didn’t belong too. You rather that man have it, or in the hands of a meth addicted genocidal maniac. Seems like a small price to pay for liberation. How about, you’re welcome, Germany. 
So many people dropped the ball here. Not the original theif, I understand why he’d want to keep it hush-hush and or keep it. But his children giving it to Goodwill? The Goodwill that slapped a $35 price tag on it? Laura Young who was smart enough to get it appraised and dumb enough to give it away? All dumb-dumbs.
Just goes to show, if something seems too good to be true, keep your trap shut. Loose lips sink ships. If Laura Young wasn’t so excited to tell everyone what she’d found she’d probably be sipping margaritas on a beach right now. 

The Worst Mothers In Television

*Editor’s note: I was unaware of the “Worst Mothers In Cinematic History” blog by Dante before writing this. Normally I actively try to avoid replicating similar blogs. 

Happy Mother’s Day y’all. Or as my local lunatic florist, Dutchie, likes to put on his sign, “Happy Hot Moms Day”. Crazy ass Dutchie aside, today is a good reminder to appreciate the women who work tirelessly only for us to turn out basically mediocre. If we could only be the people our moms think we are, the world would be a better place. 

While your mom might have made you soup when you were sick, showed up to all your basketball games, and cleaned up after you, some of our most beloved television heroes may have not had the same opportunities. So here’s remembering the shittiest moms in TV. 

10. Rachel Greene, Friends. 

During her pregnancy, Rachel kept forgetting about the child growing in her stomach. As her friends discover her positive pregnancy test in the garbage, Rachel continuously drinks champagne at Monica’s wedding. Thankfully, she gave birth to a healthy girl despite her hellbent dice roll on FAS. But as Rachel’s daughter Emma is meeting her father Ross for the very first time, she decides to accept a proposal from her baby daddy’s best friend in the delivery room. Ready to accept a very awkward family dynamic for her child right off the bat. It’s possible that we can chalk those instances up to hormones, sure. Except, when Rachel finally decides to have her first date night since the birth of her baby, what does she do? Oh that’s right, locked herself out of the apartment with her infant daughter inside. 

9. Dr. Jean Millburn, Sex Education. 

Having a therapist as a mom would be tough. Non stop paranoia that you’re being analyzed. Having a sex therapist mom would be a nightmare. Maybe it’s healthier to be more open about sex in a family setting, but I’ll take a hard pass. Jean condemns Otis to a carousel of nonchalant lovers who repeatedly mistake his bedroom for the bathroom while half-naked. Breakfast doesn’t make things any easier. She’s overprotective and even follows her son to a high school party where she gets caught by his classmates. She smokes weed with the school bully. Secretly tries to write a book on Otis’ puberty experience. And the kicker, her son is clearly lacking in the women department. So what does Jean do when he does finally get a girlfriend? She dates the father of said girlfriend.

8. Delia Ketchum, Pokémon.

It’s not easy being a single mother. They have so many responsibilities to handle on their own. Constant around the clock care. Unless you’re Delia Ketchum who shoo’d her son out the door at only ten years old. 

Ash: “Hey mom can I go play outside?” 

Delia: “What will you be doing?” 

Ash: “Trying to capture and fight murderous monsters with mystical powers.” 

Delia: “…And where will you be doing this?” 

Ash: “Literally the entire globe. I don’t plan on coming home.” 

Delia: “Make sure you pack clean underwear!”

Wtf is wrong with this woman? She should have immediately been reported to Child Services for neglect and endangerment. Delia was a better mother to Mr. Mime than she ever was to Ash. 

7. Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development. 

The type of alcoholism that would make Winston Churchill blush. Lucille had a unique relationship with each of her children, each of which were shit. She hated Gob and took every chance she had to remind him that he was an idiot. She constantly insulted Lindsay’s body image, undermined her marriage, and kept her adoption a secret. She was emotionally manipulative and even set up Michael in a fake car accident. Then there’s Buster. Her product of a love affair with her husband’s twin brother. More a slave/assistant than a son, Buster waited on his mother hand and foot and was rewarded with the likes of the Motherboy contest and being signed up for the army where he subsequently lost his arm. 

6. Wanda Maximoff, Wandavision. 

Wanda gave births to twins that don’t even exist. Talk about an identity crisis. But atleast she had the wherewithal to raise her children in a good neighborhood. By, ya know, enslaving an entire community and turning them into mindless zombies. Hundreds of families were robbed of raising their children just so Wanda could play house. Then there’s the whole murderous psychopath tendencies, but we won’t spoil the new Dr. Strange movie. Wanda’s sons will never be able to live up to her expectations. Due to like, not being alive and all.

5. Carrie Mathison, Homeland. 
You would think that having a bipolar disorder and being a badass CIA special agent would get you some kind of a pass. But there has to be a line. Running away from your responsibilities and blackmailing your way to Pakistan to get away from your daughter is one thing. But contemplating drowning her is two million steps over the line. Carrie’s love you/hate you with Brody didn’t stop after his death, but transferred to wherever he still had DNA. Carrie not only told her daughter Frannie that she can’t remember why she had her, she also almost hit her with a car, and gave her a brain dead killing machine roommate who’s lease ended when he got in a paranoid shootout with the authorities with Frannie in the house. Despite all that, Carrie decided the best life for her daughter was by her side. A custody battle ensued for Frannie between Carrie and her stable sister Maggie. It wasn’t the courtroom testimony of her daughter crying herself to sleep or nearly going mute that convinced Carrie to give it up, but rather a phone call from Saul to get back to work. Last episode *SPOILER*, the show ends with Carrie assumingly never able to see her daughter again now that she’s taken on the life as a Russian mole in Moscow. 
4. Gemma Teller Morrow, Sons Of Anarchy.
Sons of Anarchy fans love pretending their smart by making the Shakespearean comparison of Hamlet to Sons. But they tend to forget Oedipus. Gemma would see red any time Jax showed even the tiniest bit of a love interest. To the point where she forced a relapse with her son’s baby mother. Gemma also murdered her son’s father and any chance at a normal life. Most mothers would shy away from their child being the head of a motorcycle gang, but Gemma bred her boy for it. Once her son accumulated that power, she wielded him to her bidding. Used him as a threat. And still consistently got her ass beat. But she handed out some beatings herself. Like the time she was incorrectly convinced that the love of her son’s life was a federal informant. So Gemma stabbed her daughter-in-law repeatedly in the back of the head and left her dead in a sink. One of the most brutal on-screen deaths that still makes my skull itch just thinking about it. When Jax figured out everything his mother had done, he went to kill her. Unable to bring himself to do it, Gemma manipulated her son one last time and convinced Jax to commit matricide. 
3. Livia Soprano, The Sopranos.
Everything about Livia was the worst. Her face, her attitude, her voice, her existence. There’s being a bad mother and then there is centering your life around around destroying your son’s life. These weren’t crimes of the subconscious, Livia was actively hating her son. When Tony decided to put her in a nursing home, Livia decided to tell Uncle Junior that he was seeing a shrink knowing that it would force Junior to take him out. She put a hit on her own son. When that didn’t work, she told Artie Bucco that it was Tony that burnt down Vesuvio’s in hopes that it enraged Artie to the point of murdering Tony. Livia Soprano was a loveless succubus who’s only excuse for staying alive was to hate. But is Tony Tony if Livia wasn’t Livia?
2. Linda Stotch, South Park.
When it comes to bad South Park mothers the first thought is generally Liane Cartman. Unable to control her spoiled psychopath son and unsure who his father is due to her promiscuous lifestyle. But she’s obliviously sweet and undeniably caring with Eric. Liane doesn’t sniff Linda Stotch. Linda is addicted to grounding her son Butters. While disciplining your child doesn’t make you a bad mother, pimping Butters out to Paris Hilton for 250 million dollars where he eventually escapes near death and then punishing him for getting away certainly qualifies. Or there was the time the boys convinced Butters to fake his suicide so he could go to school dressed as a girl and infiltrate the girls’ sleepover. When Butters stood at the top of the building, his parents told him they would only ground him for a couple of weeks if he came down. When a pig carcass dressed as Butters was thrown off the roof, the Stotchs were admittedly devasted by their son’s supposed death. So much so that they decided to perform a ritual to resurrect him. When Butters returned home alive and well, since he didn’t actually kill himself, Linda Stotch chains Butters up in the basement believing him to be a zombie. If all that isn’t enough, Linda met her breaking point when Butters accidentally reveals his father had been visiting a gay bathhouse. Left deranged by the discovery, Linda decides to kill herself and murder Butters so he doesn’t have to “be raised by a pervert”. She drives a naïve Butters to a river and instructs him not to unbuckle his seatbelt or get out as she leaves and puts the car in neutral. Butters believes the whole thing to be an accident as the car is still filling up with water. Back home, Linda’s suicide note is interrupted by her husband who convinces her that he still loves her and persuaded Linda not to commit suicide. Still believing she murdered Butters, Linda and her husband tell the media their son was kidnapped by “some Puerto Rican guy.” 
1. Cersei Lannister, Game Of Thrones. 
How anyone could think otherwise is beyond me. All of her children are dead. All three, three separate incidents. You can’t fail more than that. Cersei’s paranoia and lust for power led to all of her children’s downfall. Joffrey was poisoned at his own wedding and Cersei had sex on his corpse before it even turned cold. Myrcella was poisoned leaving Dorne. Then after shame walking through the streets naked, Cersei decided to burn Tommen’s wife-to-be at the altar. Tommen, clearly stricken with grief, walks out of his castle window cool as a cucumber. None of Cersei’s ambitions were for her children no matter how many times she said it out loud. Cersei was out for Cersei and that was made clear when she had her youngest child’s body burned post-mortem and spread over the ashes of the Sept with the rest of her enemies. Oh, and all of her children were born out of an incestuous relationship with her brother Jamie. 
And you thought you had it bad when your mom made you start doing your own laundry. Be thankful you don’t have a mother like the ladies listed above. Or maybe you do, in which case, tough break pal. But as for the rest of you, get the damn flowers and actually write something in the card. 
 

Was Everyone Aware That Voldemort Boinked An Flight Attendant?

I was unaware that Ralph Fiennes, most famously known for playing Voldemort in the Harry Potter franchise, was involved in a 2007 scandal for having sex with a flight attendant during a flight from Australia to Mumbai. If you’re too cool for Harry Potter, he was also in Schindler’s List, Kingsman, and The Grand Budapest Hotel. 

Fiennes also starred in the total classic, Maid In Manhattan alongside of J-Lo. This scandal pretty much follows the same plot but instead of a maid it’s a flight attendant, and instead of happily ever after, she gets fired and never sees him again. 

According to this Daily Mail article, the incident began when Lisa Robertson recognized Fiennes while offering him a mid-flight drink. Robertson fan-girled out and then quickly apologized for being unprofessional. Fiennes reassured her with a soft voice and complimenting her on her attractiveness. The two continued to eye-fuck each other across first class until it finally came to a head during Robertson’s break. 

Fiennes pushed past the curtain to find Robertson kickin’ it back. They talked about his previous movies, a accent he was working on for an upcoming role, and next thing you know, Ralph goes in for the kiss. Half-naked and on the verge of being caught, Robertson led Finnes by the hand to the plane’s bathroom to cement their mile high status. 

They were seen leaving the same bathroom by another flight attendant who told Robertson that he was going to report her. Not nearly deterred, the two lovebirds made plans to meet up after they landed. She thought he was blowing smoke, but to Robertson’s surprise, Fiennes called her thirty minutes after she checked into her hotel. 

Apparently full of surprises, Robertson said she was shocked at how gentleman-like Fiennes was. Despite answering his hotel room in only a towel, Fiennes insisted on a roof-top dinner date first. Over a couple martinis and with a Mumbai backdrop, the two held hands as Robertson requested Fiennes to reenact some of his most famous lines. 

Back at the hotel room, you know what happened. Three times, and once more in the morning. 

After the Indian soirée, it was time for Robertson to face the music. She was ultimately fired for her actions during the flight. She tried to contact Fiennes under a lawyer’s suggestion to help her corroborate an excuse of her “helping him with a contacts lens” in the bathroom. Robertson said she felt betrayed when Fiennes kept reiterating to her that “Nothing happened” and “We weren’t in the toilet”. But really, what I don’t think she understood that he was being polite by not saying “That’s the stupidest fucking idea I ever heard.” He was giving her the blueprint. Deny, deny, deny. Deny til’ you die. 

Once the British tabloids got the scoop from witnesses, the airline initially denied any inappropriate conduct. But after she was fired, and with the press breathing down her neck, Robertson decided to tell her side of the story publicly. 

There is an unreal Australian 60 Minutes interview on the scandal with Lisa Robertson that you can watch here. It’s absolutely nuts how much interviews have changed in that short period of time. 

The interviewer calls Lisa stupid to her face for what she did. He asks her straight up if she had sex in the toilet. When she tells him that she did, he prompts her into explaining how she pulled that off in such a tight space. What a piggy question. But without missing a beat, Robertson jokes about her flexibility and says arms and legs were everywhere. But his boldness didn’t end there. This interviewer goes on to point blank ask Lisa how Fiennes was as a”lover”. You’re a perve dude. 

Lisa Robertson in both the article and the television interview expressed that she doesn’t regret what she did and that she’d do it again. Hell yeah. She commented that she was making 12k as an airline attendant. Fuck that job? You pulled off the dream of banging a celebrity crush. Fiennes turned out just fine. He continued grinding out Harry Potter movies for the next four years. 

People were trying hard to to condemn Lisa Robertson for her unprofessionalism. She’s hardly the first person to get some on-duty booty. And Fiennes? He got dragged for having unprotected sex with Robertson while he was in India to raise awareness for AIDS. But what’s a little STD to a guy with seven horcruxes? 

Parole Tide Strikes Again

Former five star recruit and transfer from LSU, Elias Ricks, has been arrested in Mississippi for possesion of marijuana, speeding, and no proof of insurance. The Devil works hard, but Lane Kiffin works harder. 

The silver lining is Eli wasn’t charged with a DWI. I guess. It’s just silly living in a state where this wouldn’t have mattered. Eighteen states plus Washington DC have legalized marijuana since 2012. If he was in the right state, this would have been two traffic violations and a non story. 

Ricks transferred to the University of Alabama back in December. Despite only playing six games for the Tigers last season due to a torn labrum, there was a lot of hype following Eli’s arrival in Tuscaloosa. The junior was once regarded as the heir apparent to this year’s third overall draft pick, Derek Stingley. Posting one of the most impressive freshman seasons in recent memory, Ricks had four interceptions including two pick-six’s and nine PBUs landing him Third-Team All-American and 2020 SEC All-Freshman Team honors. Notable top mock draft analyst, Steven Cheah, had Eli Ricks going 14th overall in next year’s draft. Following the arrest, people are wondering if he’ll even be playing for the Tide come this fall. 

But Alabama fans know better. In fact, some Tide fans have even gone as far to celebrate the arrest. Why? 

Because we’re sick. We’re a sick fan base who’s tunnel vision doesn’t allow anything besides seeing Saban raise the National Championship trophy. For starters, Eli Ricks clearly looks at least 6’5” in his mugshot even though he’s listed at 6’2”. But the second reason is much more complex than that.

There is a belief amongst some of the fans, that a pre-season arrest is a sign of a good omen. Allow me to explain. 

Courtney Upshaw and his girlfriend were arrested for domestic violence following an incident at a gym. His girlfriend’s father came out on Upshaw’s behalf saying that he didn’t believe Upshaw laid a hand on her, that he was only trying to restrain her from getting hit again, and that it was probably initiated by his daughter. Tide went on to win the 2009 National Championship. 

Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones were also arrested for marijuana in their vehicle in Louisiana. Robinson who was a projected first round pick at the time, was also slapped with a felony charge of possession of a stolen fire arm. Alabama went on to win the 2017 title that year. 

Given the previous arrests there are some who believe Eli Ricks has solidified a National Championship with his possession charge. I think it’s more of a perfect example of post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy. Which is Latin for “after this, because of this”. Which means two things that most likely aren’t connected but seem connected because of the order they came in. For example, if someone hypothesizes that the ice cream man only comes around in the summer, crime rates go up in the summer, ice cream must cause crime. That’s post hoc fallacy. Ice cream doesn’t cause crime. Arrests don’t cause National Championships. 

Or who knows, maybe they do. Maybe when players are getting locked up, Saban drops the buddy-buddy act and toughens up on the team. One things for sure, I’m not worried about the character of a twenty year old kid who smokes weed and speeds. I can’t cast that stone.