Our National Pandemic Nightmare Is Almost Over

It’s been months and months but thankfully people are beginning to shut the fuck up about it. It sucks, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that this isn’t going anywhere. Year after year we’re probably going to have to deal with this. But the good news is, we’re in the homestretch. In a few weeks maybe, hopefully everyone will stop talking about their “allergies”.

“Allergy season” is the worst few months of the year for small talk. I put it in quotations because I know damn well that most people have no idea if they’re allergic to pollen, they just want in on the fun. But every day there is a minimum of two people who say something like “Ughhh my allergies are killing me today,” or “Yeah I always get it bad at change of seasons,” or “The pollen is crazy today! You should have seen it on my car.” I don’t care. And I certainly don’t care what kind Claritin you use, stop telling me.

You can’t even sneeze in peace this time of year. Someone, thinking that they’re comforting you over a fucking sneeze, always says something like “Oh my allergies are bad today too, are yours bad?” Every time I respond “Yeah, I don’t have allergies,” it’s met with pure disgust. Their stare conveys their message: what is wrong with you, why can’t you just play along with the rest of society. What do you think you’re too good for allergies? Yes, yes I do think that. 

What the fuck is so bad about allergies anyway? A runny nose and watery eyes? That’s what’s taking you out? I shit you not, I saw this girl I know on Instagram post herself hooked up to this machine, she looked like Darth Vader with no helmet, the caption read: ughhh gonna be one of those days. The next picture was like ten bottles of pills and vitamins. Do you want the cure for allergies, cause I’ll give it to you. Have a cup a tea and grow up. 

I looked it up, pollen allergy symptoms should start to dwindle after the first week of June. But I’ll be on the lookout for fakers during July and August. The problem is these people will be back October. But if you’re one of them, one of these allergy liars, please remember when it goes from hot to cold or cold to hot there is a strong possibility that you just have a cold and not allergies. I promise you’ll live.