Real quick, I had a rough couple of days. I swear it’s relevant. I’ve been sleeping on my couch since my Aunt came up from Florida to donate her kidney to some distant cousin of hers. After putting in a 20 hour shift at work, I said fuck the couch and got a hotel room. I wound up getting super sick and it was one of the worst nights of my life.
As I was checking in, pre-sick, the hotel employee was one of the cockiest dudes I ever dealt with. He was like mad at me for trying to stay at his hotel? He scoffed when I told him I didn’t have a reservation. My man, this is a Holiday Inn in the suburbs on a Wednesday, not Bethlehem during the census.
As I lay dying, shout out William Faulkner, the only thing I could think about was how unnecessarily cocky that conscierge was. I started compiling a list of people I find too cocky, here’s what I came up with.
Servers Who Don’t Write Down The Order:
Look, I know that you’re probably capable of handling this but my 65 year old father doesn’t. A lot of things could happen between now and the time our food hits the table. Whether it was your fault, the kitchen’s fault, or the food runners fault, you’re to be blamed now all because you want to show off your little parlor trick.
The “You Want Sum?!” British Guy:
What does this guy know that I don’t? Anything short of him being some secret Jason Bourne agent and I’m cleaning him.
Hibachi Chefs:
We’re not reinventing the wheel here. Everyone’s seen you’re little volcano, alright? Get some new material. So I couldn’t catch a little shrimp in my mouth, big deal? No need to have a little water bottle guy piss on me and have half a table of strangers laughing in my face.
The North Sentinelese:
They’re the meanest people on Earth and everyone constantly makes excuses for them. They kill and eat anyone who tries to say whatsup. Where do you get off? Anyone could blast you. I got news for you North Sentinelese, fightings changed a lot in 1000 years and if you came at me with rocks and spears I’m fucking you up.
Middle-Aged People On Facebook:
You don’t know anything, like at all. Every day you get tricked on Facebook. Every single day. Stop yelling at me to educate myself at Thanksgiving because you read 100 fake articles on Facebook. You have no idea how the internet works. You know how your parents gave up their inheritance over the telephone? Some fake social security scam where they give up all their personal information and you thought, how could they fall for that? That’s how we feel about you on Facebook.
Bob Saget:
Look, I don’t dislike Bob Saget but the man is cocky. People are out here every damn day getting canceled and he is constantly saying reckless shit. Bob was the face of family television for a lot of us. Host of AFV, Danny Tanner on Full House. Then what does he do? Writes a book called “Dirty Daddy” talking about doing whipits on set and groping the dolls they had sit in for the Olsen twins during practices.
My Best Friend Ordering A Soft Shell Crab Sandwich At An Old Diner:
It was after a Rascal Flatts concert and we were all drunk off our asses but that was still no excuse. It’s an old dirty diner. It’s meant for cheese fries, not seafood. You could tell nobody had ever ordered it. They had to blow the dust off that thing. It had probably been sitting in the freezer since 1976. I’m pretty sure the waitress said “You sure?” when he ordered it.
That’s it, the end. For now. There’s no other way to sign off on this. I know it and you know it. So if you’re thinking about criticizing my last paragraph here, don’t get too cocky.
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