In theory I know what it is. But why is it? I normally don’t have the attention span to watch a video longer than a minute and a half. The link above me is a video of two time world champion Airistotle (get it?). It’s a six minute video and I’ve watched it three times so far .
Let’s break down the video. For starters, there is way too many people in that crowd to be making that little of noise. There’s also no way this kid has full control over his mouth. I commend him for his confidence though, seriously. I feel silly even letting people see me bowl in public. Aristotle travels to Finland with minimal sex appeal, flailing around a stage pretending to play a guitar that isn’t even there. Based off his chords there’s no chance he knows how to play physical guitar. I don’t either, but I still know that’s not it.
According to their website, USA Air Guitaring has five steps. Qualifiers, regionals, Semi-finals, national championship, and whoever wins the national goes to Finland for the World Tournament.
The rules are as follows. Each performance is a minute long, picking whatever section of the song you wish. Backup bands, real or fake, are strictly prohibited. There’s two rounds, cummalative scoring. And my absolute favorite rule, direct quote: “instrument must be invisible & must be a guitar” . I mean, if anyone’s ever broken that rule they should do immediate jail.
Scoring is based off of three categories. Technical merit, you don’t need to know how to play the guitar but you still have to sell it for a good score. Stage performance, I’ll give Airistotle this, he rocked the fuck out of that stage. Lastly, Airness. I don’t know what the fuck that means. The rule book says it’s the most difficult part to explain but the most important to scoring. Ok? “The extent of which a performance transcends the imitation of a real guitar and becomes an art form in and of itself”. That description could’ve been written in Mandarin and it would’ve made just as much sense to me.
I left one little rule out because I think it deserves a paragraph of it’s own. “Air roadies are allowed, but must leave the stage before the performance”. What the fuck goes on? Is this a problem for the AGWC? Are girls really looking at these videos like “hey little bitch boy, get over here and show me what them fingers do”?
No disrespect to Airistotle, but give me a break. Is that really their king? I did a better air guitar writing this blog going from my bed to bathroom and my AirPods in. Black Velvet, Alannah Myles. Sign me up. If I get roadies and a free trip to Finland I’ll blow those little Finns the fuck away.
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