To V Or Not To V

I had the option to get the vaccine and I didn’t pull the trigger. Talking vaccinations has become a weird thing. When you ask some people if you should get the vaccine they look at you like you just asked them their take on euthanasia. The only correct answer to that question is “why should I give a shit what you do.”

I’m not anti covid vaccinations. I guess I’m not pro either since I turned down my own. I just hate that every decision is a line in the sand now. If you choose option A that means you vote for this person, have these morals, and believe in this. If you choose option B that means you vote for that person, have these...you get it. Everything is mutually exclusive. 

I considered injecting myself with Johnson & Johnson until my sister spooked me. I thought my sister was a shoo-in for this shot. She graduated in the top 3% getting her PHD. When I asked her if she’s going to get the vaccine she told me “Eventually. This was historically expedited and I just want to make sure they work out all of the kinks first.” Which I heard as “If you get this vaccine you will die, and painfully too.” It’s probably important to stress my sister doesn’t practice medicine. But she’s like the smartest person I know so I take everything she says and carve it in stone.

Now I’m hearing crazy shit that’s making me think twice. Like if you want to travel you’ll eventually have to show proof of vaccination. That would really put a damper on the trip I was planning to Texas to see my college roommate. Even worse, there’s whispers that to go to stadiums, arenas, or any other professional sports event you’re gonna need to present your V card to get in. Now they have me by the balls.

Plus there’s all the conspiracy theories. Like they’re going to put a chip in your brain? Jokes on you that’d be a selling point for me. I WANT a chip in my brain. Be so dope. Also, stay away from anyone who uses the term “sheep” too much. Like relax dude, I believe in aliens too.

But the truth is, I’m looking for every excuse I can because I’m afraid of needles. I’m comically large to hate syringes. But if we could control the things we’re afraid of, we wouldn’t be afraid of them would we? Duh. I’ll pass out and shit. Pass out hard too. It’s weird I can see blood, but if I really think about it moving through my body it makes my heels hurt and my knees weak. Then to feel and see it getting sucked out of your body? I can’t. 

That’s the big secret. The main reason I don’t want this vaccination is because needles make me a big cry baby. It’s not some grand proclamation of what party I belong to. Every little thing you do doesn’t have to be this big stance. But I’ll tell you what, if this vaccine prevents me from seeing the Yankees play the Mets on 9/11, I’ll do it. I’ll be there first thing in the morning with a smelling salts mustache, flicking the vain in my arm.